How can i tell someone i dont need their help without offending

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Gemgem14

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Ive been on a new yard for 4 months now and my horse is only a year on from double hind fetlock surgery so im bringing her on slow and steady shes a big unit 17h warmblood i have an amazing trainer who comes out to me as and when i need her but today a guy who rides for the yard owner literally just started teaching me without me asking and it was definately not the type of stuff me and my trainer have been working on infact it felt like he was un doing all my hard work im really mad at myself for not just stopping mid ride and telling him to FO but i really dont want to upset him as hes thw YO golden boy im not a complete novice i have ridden at medium level dressage previously so i know what he was trying to teach me was very confused on his behalf but my question is what if it happens again what do i say so as to not offend him and make my life diffcult on the yard has anyone been in this position before ??? Help ive even been scrolling thru new yards just to avoid this situation i dont handle this sort of thing very well i suffer with anexiety badly my mare is the only thing that keeps me going and i DO not want to spoil her and this did not help me at all today x
 
I feel for you! The next time golden boy offers his unsolicited advice could you thank him very much and say you really appreciate his words of advice, but as you have your own instructor you don't want to get confused between the two and sort of make a light joke if it? And then divert him onto talking about his own horse and stuff. In most cases if you are polite and respectful you can get your own way - unless the guy is a total ego driven twit. Good luck!
 
Just say 'thanks so much, but I'm just going to poodle around and do my own thing.'

And then just continue to do your own thing 🙄
 
You could say he is under strict veterinary instruction on a plan to improve his recovery so thank you but no thank you as I cannot change his routine
 
As suggested, divert him to talking about his own horse, if he's the same as the rest of us will rattle on for hours lol :-), failing that you may need to be rather straight with him.

This book is brill if your not good at this sort of thing, I have read it myself and bought a friend the book, and only this morning suggested it to another friend.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1098624.When_I_Say_No_I_Feel_Guilty
 
I like the above, but also go on (& on & on if needed) to anyone that will listen that you and your instructor are following a programme of work to rehab your horse from surgery. I do something similar and now various people who felt the need to input have got bored and disappeared off to annoy someone else.
 
A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

III: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

IV: You have the right to change your mind.

V: You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.

VI: You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

VII: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

VIII: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

IX: You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

X: You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”
 
Rumtytum said:
I feel for you! The next time golden boy offers his unsolicited advice could you thank him very much and say you really appreciate his words of advice, but as you have your own instructor you don't want to get confused between the two and sort of make a light joke if it? And then divert him onto talking about his own horse and stuff. In most cases if you are polite and respectful you can get your own way - unless the guy is a total ego driven twit. Good luck!
Click to expand...

I like this option. Nicely put.
 
Not read all the replies, but this drove me MAD.... the kindest way is to say "thankyou so much for your help...would you mind giving advice just when I ask for it ? I'm trying to learn by myself".

I'm not always as tactful, hence why I had to get off livery yards ! Good Luck.
 
windand rain said:
You could say he is under strict veterinary instruction on a plan to improve his recovery so thank you but no thank you as I cannot change his routine
Click to expand...

This. Strict exercise programme, prescribed by vet and supervised by instructor. You must not deviate from it.

Either that or tell him you can't possibly afford to pay for his expertise as you're already paying one instructor and your very strict moral code (instilled in you by an upbringing by nuns) won't allow you to waste his time without paying him. It'll be interesting to see how quickly the fact you're an orphan brought up by nuns takes to spread round the yard :D
 
I agree, why would the OP need to lie? It is the truth to say she is working a certain way with her trainer and doesn't want conflicting advice. If it was me I would have stated my experience, stated I was working a particular way due to injury and trainers advice. If I was in an bad mood i would have debated why I thought his methods were wrong too. I wouldn't be tiptoeing around him worrying about offending him - he didn't mind offending you by jumping in saying what you were doing wrong. It was arrogant of him, and unasked for. If I was being doiplomatic I would have just said 'cheers but I know what I'm doing' and trotted off.
 
Rumtytum said:
The next time golden boy offers his unsolicited advice could you thank him very much and say you really appreciate his words of advice, but as you have your own instructor you don't want to get confused between the two
Click to expand...

This^^ In a similar situation with a "helpful" YO I didn't want to offend, I had some lessons with an outside trainer and used this argument which worked really well and she backed off no trouble.
 
Just ignore him!
He can only 'teach' you if you do what he says. If he suggests e.g. a change of rein, just continue in the direction you were going, if he says trot, you walk or canter. If he suggests a longer/shorter rein, you do the opposite, etc, etc. Treat him as if he is talking to himself.
 
"Thanks for offering input, it is very kind of you, but I'm actually just working away at homework from my instructor and I need to concentrate on the advice she has given me. If I need your help in future I'll be sure to ask. Thanks so much. big smile. Ride away.
 
lol i am in no way a teacher but sometimes i can't help myself. However its usually only with those i know are lower level than me and actually need the help - id never just start telling someone i know knows what they are at to do something. But the best way to get them away is just politely say "thats not how my instructor is teaching me at the moment and i don't want to confuse my horse/do anything differently as he is recovering from an injury"
 
Pedantic said:
A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

I: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

II: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

III: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

IV: You have the right to change your mind.

V: You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.

VI: You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

VII: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

VIII: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

IX: You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

X: You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”
Click to expand...

This ^^^^^

In your situation I would head off a confrontation when you are on your horse by collaring him beforehand and asking if you can have a word. Then sugar the pill a little by saying much as you appreciate his expertise and experience, you are happy with what you and your current trainer are doing, and if you want his help you will ask for it. Assertive without aggression, and in a neutral situation where neither of you feels you have to make a point.

I had someone on my yard who insisted on "teaching" people even though her experience was lacking, and I had to take her on one side and tell her that unless people had asked her for help, or she had asked them if they minded her pointing something out, she was not to continue. One client had asked for my help and this so called "expert" undermined everything we had made progress on - it is really really annoying.
 
pansymouse said:
Get some headphones and ride with them in - if you see him just point at them, smile and carry on.
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This. Also this method works on bitchy yards. Just plug yourself in and crack on with your own thing.

I had a friend who started trying to help me once, she asked me to come down the centre line and blah blah ... So i made a point of doing something completely different and when i trotted past her i said 'sorry did you say something?' she soon got the hint, lol :)
 
Yep we have one of these people on our yard ! Why do people feel the need to interfere !!
I keep the conversation simple - don't enter into any interactive conversation ! I just say 'good idea but I'm finished now' and walk on a long rein - and ask them about their son/horse/weather.
It is annoying though because I have to stop working my horse !
 
They're being offensive why would you not want to offend? I'd be tempted to say, thank you for trying to help but I'm sorry but I don't agree with your methods, I didn't ask for your help, and I'd like to school my horse, my way, in peace. ' if this didn't work I'd tell him to 'fornicate off'. The older I get the less this kind of thing worries me.
 
I don't wish to offend anyone with this (though I'm sure I will!) but I genuinely don't understand why this sort of thing is ever a "problem" for people. Just be honest and tell them no thank you, it isn't hard?
 
blitznbobs said:
They're being offensive why would you not want to offend? I'd be tempted to say, thank you for trying to help but I'm sorry but I don't agree with your methods, I didn't ask for your help, and I'd like to school my horse, my way, in peace. ' if this didn't work I'd tell him to 'fornicate off'. The older I get the less this kind of thing worries me.
Click to expand...

I suppose ypur right i have taken offence so why should i be bothered about offending he obviously wasnt was he !!
 
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