How do you get over losing your horse

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Summer Sun

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I just wondered if anyone else was in the same boat as me. Its getting on for a year now since i lost my horse and just can't get over it.

i still have his ashes in my living room because i can't bear to bury them. i dream about him constantly and the dreams never have a happy ending. I think its guilt as he had to be PTS and thats a decision thats so horrendous.

He was my life :-(

I still ride and i still enjoy it but looking at new horses leaves me dead inside.

i think i just need to know that this will pass.
 
omg.... I'm so sorry. You sound v sad :(

I've never lost a horse so I don't know i I can really give you advice but I have lost a lot of other animals and people in my life so I can kind of imagine and I often wonder about how it's going to be when the time comes with girly (a long way off but I worry about everything!)

All I can say is I hope you have a sympathetic ear. Don't put pressure on yourself. No-one can put a timescale on grief and everyone deals with things differently. Even the fact that you've realised you're not managing is a start.
There is no shame at all in asking for help, maybe some bereavement couselling could be an option?

Poor you.... chin up :)
 
I suppose its like any bereavement,you just learn to live with it and the pain fades. I can empathise with you,I had a stillborn foal last July. Iam still not over it. I also had another PTS in February that I'd been looking after,and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I'm not in the mess I was,and am kind of able to look back fondly on the old boy,but if the truth be told,I'm still devastated about the foal. I found him you see,and I will never forgive myself for not doing more...he never took a breath.
 
:( Know exactly how you feel. I think of Herbie (broke his neck in field) nearly a year ago and I miss him so much. No other horse compares to him and it hurts like mad looking at photos still.

Having sadly lost others, I am still very raw.
Don't know when the time comes when you can remember them without the agony, or if you ever do :( {{hugs}}
 
I don't think you do get over it as such but the pain diminishes especially as you loved your horse. I lost mine too and know what you're going through.

What helped me was buying another who gave me focus.

Its never easy but I do feel for you.
 
I don't think you ever get over it to be honest, you just learn to cope with it better in time, but there is no set time.

You don't have to let go, but you have to realise they can't live forever, nothing does but in your heart they will live forever.

I still get a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes thinking about my Troy or looking at his photo or the lock of mane I have in my jewelry box, which probably upsets me more because I'm constantly being reminded that he's not here anymore, but other days I look at them it makes me smile and realise how lucky I was to have him and that he's better off where he is now.

Getting another horse is not replacing your old friend, in fact making that step into getting another will probably be the best thing you could ever do, might not feel like it right now but really another horse will help you, they will fill that empty space in your heart and keep you busy, entertained and no doubt be a pain in the ass lol at times but hey....but maybe that's the only thing that will help you to enjoy what you once had with your previous horse.

(((hugs)))
 
Time and having another horse that you have to look after, it always gets easier but as humans we have so much love to give it's a shame not to, and there are so many out there deserving of that love
 
I am so sorry. I lost my horse in 2002 and I still miss him. It was only last year that I could bear to watch the home videos we have of him. I have been lucky in that, strangely, I have never dreamed of him. That must be very hard. All I gain comfort from is firstly, I always did my best for him and he was totally adored (and I think he knew that), and secondly, I now have a rescue pony to look after. I don't think a year in life is that long and coming up to an anniversary is always harder, so give yourself time and have a huge virtual hug from me. xx
 
You aren't alone in having lost 'someone' who meant the world to you, but probably had no idea of the depth of your attachment. Not having had the ability to confirm that to them, and say goodbye and know it is understood is much to do with it I expect.

Their leaving is very much a one-sided process, in that even at the end, you understand it for what it is and they almost as surely have no idea.

Sadly, there is no answer to your question, nor a period after which it is mandatory to move on and love another.

I think you will move on when you are ready and it probably won't be a conscious decision. Looking around may 'help' - I always think of the next one out there waiting for you to find them. It would be a sad thing if you gave up altogether. But then, you have to be ready to love and lose again...

I do think the hows and whys of losing have much to do with the tone of the very last and lasting memories - and maybe why you are having such difficulty moving on?
 
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First of all have a big hug. Its horrible grieving for a lost horse.

It DOES get easier with time - I know thats hard to believe where you are now. What will help you most is realising that you did your best for him, including the final kindness.

He isn't suffering any more and I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to still be suffering.

Perhaps you could consider some form of therapy and support for yourself: I can recommend reiki & hypnotherapy out of personal experience, and I think that in particular bach flower and homeopathy might really help you. They don't work on blocking things out, supressing or burying them, but support you in coming to terms with it all yourself.

x
 
Bereavement counselling is a good idea. Also, trying to remember the numerous good times, rather than the sad ending. It is still upsetting to remember those times but it does get to the stage where you can remember them with a smile and be glad rather than tears and being sad. (Thats sounds a bit naff how I've written it :o))

For me, I had other horses and it was always the empty stable, them orning feed were the worst somehow. Missing the stable out. I used to frequent the local horse sales on behalf of a charity and ended up filling the void there - bringing home something or other in need. Gave me something to look after that really needed it and took the focus away a little. Not replaceing the lost one at all.

I have a very elderly horse atm and am dreading it.
 
I do feel for you. Been there several times over the years...

As the others have said, there's no time limit but please don't feel guilty that you had your horse pts. It is one of the hardest decisions but one of the greatest gifts you can give a horse - the bravery to look after him or her right to the end after looking after them while they're well. It takes guts, love and responsibility and you have demonstrated that you have all of those things.

You sound like a very loving person who some horse would adore to have on their side. There are so many badly treated, neglected horses out there.... why don't you think of taking on one that's had a bad times elsewhere? I'm sure your old horse would be very proud of you! :)
 
It probably isn't the same for everyone, but maybe burying his ashes would help? My pony wasn't meant to be put on a shelf, she was meant to be somewhere beautiful. For me, letting go of the ashes helped. It removed the trigger that would have driven me crazy, seeing her poor body in a box, instead I think of her out in the field, with the lovely tree I've planted for her. It's just an idea but it might be a step in the grieving process. It doesn't mean you have stopped caring. Dusty was my best friend for 16 years, no-one will replace her, but when i go to visit her Im outside, with a lovely view, the birds singing, and the sun shining and I feel closer to her.

I really feel for you, I know exactly what you mean.

I was lucky in that I had bought a new horse 6 months before so I already had a bond with him, but when my girl was PTS I couldn't bare to ride him, so I turned him away for 5 months until I felt ready.
 
I dont think you will ever get over the loss, I am in the same boat as you, I lost my boy August last year I struggle like mad to come to terms with it, he was my bestest friend we had such a huge bond, he was mummy's boy big time, we looked after each other all the time, we knew each other so so well, massive part of my heart was ripped out the day I had to say goodbye to him, but the relief of letting him go being the one that made that brave unselfish decision to end my best friends pain was just so overwhelming.

The memories I have I will take to my grave, I too have his ashes in my room with photo's of him, one of his shoes, lock of mane, I talk to him quite a bit, esp when I feel low as I dont have another horse in my life yet.

I am beginning to get back into the scene once again and will one day give another lucky horse the loving home my boy had, and that one day is getting nearer, I talk to Merls, and tell him to guide me when looking at horses...I know daft old boot that I am lol...but to me it just helps me...I sometimes feel like I too need to see someone to help me get over the pain...maybe a new love in my life will help this pain?..

Your never alone when it comes to this kind of thing, all I can say is I am glad I had the opportunity to say goodnight and that he wasnt taken suddenly.

I hope your pain soon eases also
xx
 
Kat, I think you are so right. My horse's ashes are scattered in a beautiful, secluded place, near a coastal path we used to canter along, and I can go there and talk to him, and have made a memorial stone. I think if his ashes were in a box, I would feel he was "boxed in", whereas it's easier to think of him as being free now that his ashes are where the sea breeze blows. I hope that doesn't sound silly, and I guess it's not the same for everyone.
 
Tomorrow will be the tenth anniversary of my Mickey's death. I would not be wrong in saying that not a day has gone by since he died that I havent thought of him - even all these years on, he's always in my thoughts. Crazy really - he was a rescue case having been very badly abused and neglected, and both my parents were doubtful that he was the right one for me. They were probably right, but I just fell completely in love with him, in a way like I had never known with any other horse. We had a lot of scares together - he was a total maniac under saddle (at Pony Club he was known as Mental Mickey) - and to be fair, he was not a safe ride for a pretty nervous 11 year old. But I didnt care - I loved him to bits, and all I wanted was to make his life better.

He dropped dead of a suspected heart attack in the stable on 21st May 2000. I was mucking him out at the time; as he began to stagger I was cornered in the stable, and I will never forget his screams and the crash as he hit the ground. Sometimes I wonder whether it's my love of him, or the awfulness of the way he died that haunts me still - I can still remember every moment as clear as day. He died with his head in my arms; he was only 9.

I swore afterwards that I'd never have another horse. I became what I now realise was depressed - at the time I just thought I was dealing with it, but having recently re-read some of the stuff I wrote in the weeks after his death, I've come to realise just how much I used my ability to write as an outlet for my grief. About six weeks after his death, Mum packed me off to a friend of ours who has a showjumping yard, with the intention of making me realise I could never give it up. I was reticent at first, but the plan worked - two months after Mickey's death I was ready to look for another horse.

We scoured the country - literally. In total, we looked at 23 horses, and by the middle of September I decided enough was enough; it just wasnt meant to be. I was resigning myself to a horseless future when we found Ellie - right on the doorstep, under our noses all the time. I knew instantly that she was the one, and the rest, really, is history.

I love Ellie with all my heart - my family describe her as my 'plaster', for she really did make all the pain go away (bearing in mind my Dad also walked out a couple of months after Mickey's death, which only made a bad situation worse). One of the first things I did was to ride her up to Mickey's grave, as if to thank him for what he had given me. Ellie is my horse of a lifetime, and believe me when I say I dont know what I will do when I lose her. Even if it is (and I pray every day that this is the case) another 15 years from now, I just dont know how I will cope - and the fact that I have been through it all before doesnt make me feel I will cope with it any easier. :(

I really feel for you :( I know that it helped me to have somewhere to go that helped me feel I could be with Mickey - I still visit his grave now. And I also have a special flower - friends of ours came to lay dark red peonies on his body the night he died - so whenever I see a peony (we have five in our garden!) I think of him x

I dont know if it is appropriate here, but this is the poem I wrote during the dark days after he died. Sorry if it's a bit kiddy....but I was only 12!

Rest In Peace

I can see you, crystal-clear.
From the very first time I met you,
Standing cold, nervous and neglected
In that hard, bare-floored field,
I knew that we were to become one,
That our partnership would be quite extraordinary.

When that wonderful announcement came,
I could not rest in my excitement;
The day you became mine
Was a day I’ll cherish forever.
When I led you into your new, clean stable,
Where the straw was banked up,
Crisp and sweet,
And the water buckets, so painstakingly scrubbed
Hung from the sparkling walls.
You neighed forlornly,
Your sorrow and suffering echoing
From the deepest part within you.

But in spite of your worries, and fears, and nervousness,
Your troubles were forgotten, when,
On that cold December morning
We rode together in the snow
Just you and I.
The flakes bounced off of your sleek, shiny neck,
Dripping down to become just another part
Of the icy blanket beneath us.
We galloped over the hills,
Drowning our sorrows in the cotton-wool snow
And it was then that our friendship really formed,
A partnership based on love and trust,
Nothing else.

Remember when we cleared that enormous fence?
Taking off into a graceful arc,
Black mane and tail streaming behind,
Your forelegs never even brushed the pole,
And everyone’s eyes turned green with jealousy.
We were so happy together.

Then why, why?
Why must you be taken from me?
I’ll never forget that terrible moment,
The split second when your body hit the ground,
The heavens began to fall.
As I saw you, stretched out,
Stiller than you ever were in life,
For I had never known you to do anything
But run.
And then, as you lay still,
Your eyes glazed and cloudy,
I knew that it was the end.
I first knew the terrible truth, when
You neighed desperately, frantically,
But we’ll never know why.
You were calling to someone.
But to who?
We’ll never know.

The end is unbearable,
I was unable to bring myself round,
Yet I knew, deep down I knew
It was never meant to be.

And now you are free.
Free to run with the wind.
As you lay now,
Deep inside the plentiful soil
No human can ever hurt you again.
You may be no longer visible
To the human eye,
But you shall live on for eternity
In my memory.




Am a bit weepy now :(
 
My beloved mare was pts 2 years ago tomorrow and there is not a day goes by where i don't think of her, i have my bunch of Carnations (my fav flower) tied in a ribbon the colour of her numnah (purple) and i will at 1pm lay them in the spot where she found peace and went to horsey heaven.

She was 30 years old and owed my nothing, fortunately she had a peaceful end and the decision was taken out of my hands as i was advised by my vet. I don't know how i would have coped if it had been traumatic.

Don't put any time limits on your grief, but be rest assured things do get better, i promise.
 
Time is the only thing that will help. I lost my dream horse to colic in 2001 after that I rode other peoples then took a 5 year break as it just didn't feel the same anymore.

Last year I took a horse on loan who brought back to me all the reasons I enjoyed and loved horses. Sadly she had to be retired last year so I brought an ex racer and those 2 fell in love big time !

Then a few months later she had to be pts and I think I was upset as he was. Anyway since I have had him it has been more downs than ups but I am starting to appreciate him for all that he is rather than what he isn't that my last horse was if you get what I mean ??

I still look at the horse I lost in 2001 and busrt into tears but then I do that if I look at a photo of the dog I had as well

xxx big hugsxxx
 
Thankyou all for such lovely responses. Its so nice to hear from people who understand. None horsey people with the best will in the world can't possibly fully know how it feels.

I think my problem at the moment is a recent holiday. I had two weeks to ponder and it was the first time since that i'd not been keeping busy. I also always had him as my priority for cominghome and this time he wasn't there :-(

All of your positive comments have really helped me to put it into perspective a little - though those feelings of guilt will always partially remain i think. i'm far from a person who feels they can play god. i know hes in a better place though - it was killing me to see such a big strong and beautiful animal crippled with pain.

Thankyou all - theres some lovely words in your posts.

xx
 
It will ease in time. I have lost two wonderful boys one at the age of 18 and one at the age of 12. They were such special boys in such different ways.

The intense pain does start to drift away although the tears in my opinion never do, however I look back and think when they are gone it is my time to share my love and care that they both had with another horse. And am I grateful that I had them both as they taught me just how to love another and create a fantastic quality of life for the next horse that enters my life.

The one thing I find hard is I start to forget how they sounded when they whinnied and how they smelt to me. That is the same when you lose anything, their sound disappears in my opinion But I the same as others keep my tail hair and will have a quiet 1/2 hour where I look at my photos and now smile.

And whilst a new horse never replaces your best friend, something will give one day and you will realise actually you really do love the new person in your life if there is one. Never try and compare because they are all so different.

Talk about them, laugh about them and most importantly cry about them. And when you are ready you may want to love another :)

xxxxx
 
It doesn't get better, you just cope with it. Duggan died 15 months ago and I still cry when I think of him. I'm very proud of him, what he achieved and our years together, but i'd give the world for him back. It's not going to happen so I just blub and carry on. I've tried hard to get that bond back with another horse, but i've decided it isn't going to happen, mostly because I won't let myself get so involved in one again. Horse of a lifetime isn't a big enough explanation. Just don't feel bad because you miss them, it is happening because they were so very special. Chin up, you are not alone in feeling like this. xx
 
Oh yes. I have been in your position many times. I am a one horse owner but unfortunately I have lost four horses in under seven years although I have had my current boy for nearly six years now. The last horse's death was particularly hard to get over as I was with him right at the end of his life and I had to make the decision to pts although the decision was on the basis of what the consultant at Liverpool said about his quality of life. Rommy was ten and his death was the hardest for me to cope with out of all the horses as I loved him so much. I still miss him now.
My friend sent me this poem and it really helped me to come to terms with things. Read it through and if you still don't understand the meaning or you want to PM me please do so as I am always there to talk about my experience. xx

I’ll lend you for a little while...

I’ll lend you for a little while a horse of mine, god said, For you to love while he’s alive, and mourn for when he’s dead. It may be for ten or twenty years, or maybe more than these, But will you, till I call her back, care for him, for me?

He’ll bring you joy to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You shall have his memories, and solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, for all on earth return, But there are lessons taught down there, I want this horse to learn.

I’ve looked the wide world over, in my search for teachers true, And from all the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have selected you. Will you give him all your love, and not think the labour in vain? Nor hate me when I come to call, and take him back again?

Will you shelter him with tenderness, and love him while you may? And for all the happiness you have known, forever grateful stay? But should the angels call for him, much sooner than you planned, Brave the bitter grief that comes, and please try to understand...

I fancied that I heard them say dear lord thy will be done
For all the joy this horse will bring the risk of grief we'll run
We'll shelter him with tenderness and love him whilst we may
And for the happiness we've known forever grateful stay
But should you come to call for him much sooner than we've planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand

If by our love we've managed, your wishes to acheive
In memory of him we loved, please help us whilst we grieve
Wehn our faithfull horse departs this world of grief and strife
We shall have another horse and love him all his life.
 
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