How do you (politely and without offending) get someone to stop giving 'suggestions'?

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mystiandsunny

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A friend of mine is being driven nuts by this. She's changed her shift pattern and is now at the yard at the same time as another livery. Friend is an experienced rider, who has worked with horses in the past but just has one youngster now - backed this year. Other livery (who is unable to ride own (v capable and nice) horse in an outline/jump over 2ft, that kind of person) keeps offering 'advice' constantly when friend is riding, and friend is getting increasingly annoyed by it. Friend doesn't want to be rude, but says she's going to explode soon if this woman doesn't stop telling her what to do, especially when the woman doesn't have a clue anyway!

So - any advice? What has worked for others in similar situations?
 
Say something along the lines of 'STFU, or I'll bash your head in with a brick?' Too much?:p:D

Seriously, I find saying things like 'Yep! I got it, thanks!' in an increasingly terse tone of voice normally gets the message across;)
 
If it's when she's watching her ride, I'd say, I hate it when I've got an audience at home, it really puts me off, so please don't come to watch me. If it's all the time, I'd ignore her. I mean point blank ignore her, like she hasn't even spoken!
 
Can you just politely say "Thanks, but no thanks"?

mystiandsunny said:
Other livery (who is unable to ride own (v capable and nice) horse in an outline/jump over 2ft, that kind of person)
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I don't fully understand how to ride in an outline... And I can barely jump 2ft... What does that matter? If shes an utter numpty, and can't/won't ride her horse properly or puts it at a disadvantage, then fine, but just because she seemingly can't do these things, isnt cause for criticism in that area.
 
Actually TG, it is, because you shouldnt give advice to other people unless you can do what you preach! That'd be like me giving advice to wayne rooney about how to kick a ball, or freddie flintoff about how to play cricket!

I'd just say something like, "thanks for your advice, but im going to do it my own way thanks" and then if she doesnt take the hint just say "I'm sorry, please go now, i find it offputting when people watch my when i ride".

Good luck to your friend though, sounds like an awkward sitautionxxx
 
Just say something like 'Thanks but i got it' or summet along those lines.

mystiandsunny said:
Other livery (who is unable to ride own (v capable and nice) horse in an outline/jump over 2ft, that kind of person)
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thelwell_girl said:
I don't fully understand how to ride in an outline... And I can barely jump 2ft... What does that matter? If shes an utter numpty, and can't/won't ride her horse properly or puts it at a disadvantage, then fine, but just because she seemingly can't do these things, isnt cause for criticism in that area.
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I'm with Thelwell_girl on this....I've been riding 15 years, I'm a fairly competent rider....However i don't jump anything over 2ft and very rarely ride either of my horses in an outline, though one if deff capable of it....I wasn't aware that made me anyless of a rider and am quite insulted thats what (to me) was implied. Sorry but just my opinion.
 
T_G - I get your point, but seriously, when you've been on a yard with those kinds of people.... ;) They ARE possibly -the- most annoying thing ever! There's someone on our yard who apparently knows better than the vet.... still calls him out often enough though!

I agree about just ignoring her, unless your friend does want to be a touch rude... Maybe though next time the know-it-all says something, your friend ought to ask her if she would mind demonstrating? ;) :p Might make her think twice!
 
mystiandsunny said:
A friend of mine is being driven nuts by this. She's changed her shift pattern and is now at the yard at the same time as another livery. Friend is an experienced rider, who has worked with horses in the past but just has one youngster now - backed this year. Other livery (who is unable to ride own (v capable and nice) horse in an outline/jump over 2ft, that kind of person) keeps offering 'advice' constantly when friend is riding, and friend is getting increasingly annoyed by it. Friend doesn't want to be rude, but says she's going to explode soon if this woman doesn't stop telling her what to do, especially when the woman doesn't have a clue anyway!

So - any advice? What has worked for others in similar situations?
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Stuff the politeness. Say it how it is and move on.
 
starsnrunes said:
I'm with Thelwell_girl on this....I've been riding 15 years, I'm a fairly competent rider....However i don't jump anything over 2ft and very rarely ride either of my horses in an outline, though one if deff capable of it....I wasn't aware that made me anyless of a rider and am quite insulted thats what (to me) was implied. Sorry but just my opinion.
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Yep me too! I have ridden since I was 4, I am a late 40 something now. I have seen excellent riders who rarely ride in outline and some very poor riders forcing horse into it. So please, there is so much more to riding than how high you jump and whether you insist on outline or not.
 
T_G - it matters because it is one thing to be given advice by somebody more experienced, whose riding and horseman(woman!)ship you admire and quite another to be given it by someone who is essentially, in some respects, novice. You seem to be learning to jump at the moment - would you take jumping advice from someone who had never jumped?

OP - if I were your friend I would say, in the nicest possible way, 'thank you very much for the advice, but I prefer to work my horse in my own way'. If she still can't take a hint, then use Spudlet's method hahahaha
 
mystiandsunny said:
So - any advice? What has worked for others in similar situations?
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DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY KIND OF CONVERSATION!!! ie just nod while looking the other way, say "ok thanks" if necessary and as someone else said, do it with an increasingly grumpy tone, but don't talk to her about anything other than her cats/gerbils/knicker colour.
 
Can I politely mention that the riding skills of the livery in question are only related to her giving advice to someone else who DOES want to prepare their horse for a competition environment, so DOES want them going correctly from the very beginning? Neither friend nor I could care less what she does with her own horse, other than the fact that she doesn't ride it in the way she's telling someone else to, and her advice is way off mark. My husband only hacks and is very good at it. He wouldn't tell me how to school a horse from backing into a competition prospect though.
 
mystiandsunny said:
Can I politely mention that the riding skills of the livery in question are only related to her giving advice to someone else who DOES want to prepare their horse for a competition environment, so DOES want them going correctly from the very beginning? Neither friend nor I could care less what she does with her own horse, other than the fact that she doesn't ride it in the way she's telling someone else to, and her advice is way off mark. My husband only hacks and is very good at it. He wouldn't tell me how to school a horse from backing into a competition prospect though.
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That's fair and i do agree with that.....There are people at my yard that i would never give advice to, as they are at such a higher level than me....

...But that wasn't what originally said (sorry not wanting to start an arguement) and it could have been -and was- interpreted that the fact she didn't jump a certain hight or ride in an outline make her less of a rider.
 
Ride with earphones in - they don't have to be connected to anything if you don't want,then you can ignore and say you didn't hear because you were listening to music - actually my daughter used to buy audio dressage tests when she wanted to practice them - could be a way out that may be easier than having to be rude.
 
Have had this problem before! I ended up just saying to the person that I would prefer not to be watched when schooling my horse, she took a bit of huff for a week or so, but she did stay away from the arena after that! Other thing she could say is 'I'm getting lessons from a qualified instructor, I don't need your advice as to how to work my horse.'
 
I think ignoring her is a very good idea, if she continues to lecture then simply be straight and say that you'd rather have opinions given when they're asked for, your friend can say it nicely without falling out, the danger is that she puts up with it until like you say she finally explodes, which will cause upset.
 
flamehead said:
Actually TG, it is, because you shouldnt give advice to other people unless you can do what you preach! That'd be like me giving advice to wayne rooney about how to kick a ball, or freddie flintoff about how to play cricket!
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Well, I'm certainly not going to be giving people advice on how to ride a SJ/XC course! If she offers rubbish advice, treat it as that - rubbish!

Sol said:
T_G - I get your point, but seriously, when you've been on a yard with those kinds of people.... ;) They ARE possibly -the- most annoying thing ever! There's someone on our yard who apparently knows better than the vet.... still calls him out often enough though!

I agree about just ignoring her, unless your friend does want to be a touch rude... Maybe though next time the know-it-all says something, your friend ought to ask her if she would mind demonstrating? ;) :p Might make her think twice!
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The horsey world just isn't simple... What can you do, eh? You can't let idiots spoil your time with the horses!

fadedv said:
T_G - it matters because it is one thing to be given advice by somebody more experienced, whose riding and horseman(woman!)ship you admire and quite another to be given it by someone who is essentially, in some respects, novice.
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Just ignore it. I know its easier said then done, but in the end, what else is there to do?

fadedv said:
You seem to be learning to jump at the moment - would you take jumping advice from someone who had never jumped?
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Tbh, If I knew them, I would probably just take their 'advice' with a pinch of salt, and get on with riding.
 
I find an Ipod/MP3 player does the trick.
Mine comes to the yard periodically if I just can't be pooped listening to people spout at me :)
 
Ask the annoying one to demonstrate what she means on her own horse as you find visual learning easier...when she can't do it on her own horse, maybe she'll shut up?
 
T_G - I think you've missed the point a bit. I'm sure you can imagine that things are different if you have your own horse and are at the yard every day and you are being offered their 'pearls of wisdom' every time you ride or do anything with your horse..! And idiots CAN spoil your time with the horses, look at the number of threads on here about problems at livery yards. I'm lucky in that there are plenty of knowledgable (and nice) people at my yard. But then again, I'm pretty forthright and have told the annoying people that their 'advice' is unwanted and they don't tend to offer it again..!
 
fadedv said:
T_G - I think you've missed the point a bit. I'm sure you can imagine that things are different if you have your own horse and are at the yard every day and you are being offered their 'pearls of wisdom' every time you ride or do anything with your horse..! And idiots CAN spoil your time with the horses, look at the number of threads on here about problems at livery yards. I'm lucky in that there are plenty of knowledgable (and nice) people at my yard. But then again, I'm pretty forthright and have told the annoying people that their 'advice' is unwanted and they don't tend to offer it again..!
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Obviously things are different when you have your own horse, and go to the yard every day!

I'm lucky in that my RS yard is quite harmonious, but there have been times when I've told people to just b*gger off!
 
I know exactly where you are coming from. Oblivious to their inadequacies, yet think they are good enough to advise.

T_G the horse can do it but the rider can't. Therefore they should be concentrating on getting their own to go better, rather than dishing out advice which frankly, when tied in to their own inability to get a tune out of a perfectly easy animal, isn't going to be worth much. I have been riding for forty years and know my way round a set of fences, a dressage arena and hunting field. I wouldn't dream of dishing out unsolicited advice or even suggestions unless someone asked, what do you think? Even then I'd probably begin with 'About what?' and continue with, 'OK, I'll have a look (for what it's worth) but what do you think is going wrong?

No disrespect T_G but there's no point standing up for someone just because they aren't knowledgeable. We can all learn, there's no question, but we should be allowed to choose our own trainers!

And if this person were callous, and as grumpy as I can be on a bad day, Spudlet isn't far out regarding what I'd say with her first suggestion! I wouldn't actually hit them. A glare from me usually suffices. I think they are going about it sensitively and are getting some great suggestions.
 
TG im sorry but riding schools are very diff to livery. And you also will have no idea what goes on behind the scenes, Ive been at many rs where on the surface everyone gets on fabulously, behind the surface there has been sleeping with each others boyfriends, physical fights, you name it.
 
reminds me of a girl on my last yard 6 months ago... I had "how to put up a haynet",right thru to "how I was wrong for letting my baby look at anything" when I was breaking him when lorries and other horses were passing the school within a few metres.

Yet this girl had three horses, two youngsters and mare, which she simply could not handle, just chucked out in the field, failed to worm.....could go on, but I just think it's funny now. Except that she has horses at all :rolleyes:

Ignore, ignore, ignore, but with a wry knowing smile. Then ask back why they don't do this or that, in all innocence, and offer to help them.....

sm x
 
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Oooo my sympathies. I've had a bit of this recently when my horse was on box rest. I'll be honest and say eventually the person in question took it too far and I snapped at her but generally I just blank her out. Her comments usually start with "did they never tell you to ....." followed by something insane. At which point I either ignore it or if I'm in the mood for a bit of sport give a full and frank answer as to why I think "they" are wrong. It's usually something so old school that even the oldest, wildest old school person you know would admit that maybe it's not "done" these days for good reason!!

You could have a bit of fun by:

a) telling her you are going for a hack and then going in the school and vice versa
b) inviting her to get on the horse and show you what she means
c) saying "when did you get your qualifications, you are so knowledgable I assume you have some"
 
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