How long do you give it with a new horse?

[SEL]

What isn't working for you? I don't enjoy every single ride with my 5yo but we're a work in progress so I'm ok with that. He's being a bit of a brat at the moment too.

 

[ycbm]

Well there's that. But then the only time I over horsed myself I admitted to it and sold her to a friend. But with all others I've looked at myself for reasons why we're not bonding rather than the horse.

I'm not talking only about over-horsing though. Horses have different personalities and like different things and so do people and sometimes they are simply a mismatch.

There does seem to be a feeling amongst a lot of people that once you've bought a horse you owe it to them to make things work out, but sometimes both parties would be happler with other partners.
.

 

[doodle]

I find it interesting that most replies are about having over horsed yourself and selling/potentially selling due to that. What about the other way and you feel you are under horsed? That is valid a reason too.

 

[irishdraft]

I'm in the same situation OP, I bought a mare in September and have been struggling with her ever since, major issues travelling & incredibly spooky & stressy hacking or going anywhere new . I haven't been able to do anything much of what I had planned, so incredibly disappointing. However I really like the mare and I know there's a good horse in there if I can sort her travelling problem which is a weird one in itself. I've given myself til next September to get her where I want her, she's taken 6 months to settle at mine & I don't like the thought of her having to go through another move although it could be we are just not a good fit but I do think theres no point struggling for years if your not enjoying it.

 

[BallyRoanBaubles]

This is probably not much use to you op but I think following a horse of a lifetime is always a tough job. Especially if they are the same type of horse.
My last horse was just brilliant in every way, and I knew nothing could replace him so I didn’t try. My current horse is the complete opposite in terms of type.
Old horse was a schoolmaster ISH and my new horse was an unbroken (now broken etc) fell pony! I felt would compare a similar type to Bobby all the time, where as with my fell I have different dreams and ambitions so there is no comparison

 

[vhf]

Just one thing to add to the excellent advice you have already had.
How are You? If you're not quite yourself for any reason, then there's a good chance that will be affecting how you feel about everything, and the horse himself is virtually irrelevant. Are you of a certain age, are there other things in your life affecting your mood, energy, resilience... Add those to trying to replace the irreplaceable and you might be giving yourself and the horse an impossible task.
Or maybe, you simply don't click.

 

[Barton Bounty]

can i suggest you stop putting so much pressure on yourself and him and take your time. work with the positives - however small and have fun. it will work out. sometimes they take a long time to get to where we think (or others think) we should be at a particular point. i hope that makes sense

I agree with this too. I always loved BB even though many many times I had to bail as he was being a complete idiot, the smallest of things used to fry his brain. I appreciate though that you want something now that works for you. It took me years to get BB the way he is now and even still he can have his moments but thats just part of his personality. I wouldn’t exchange him for billions of pounds or Valegro but it is difficult not having that bond. We didnt have it properly till 2 years after I bought him

 

[Ample Prosecco]

And stop looking for a bond, he’s a horse not your bestie. I would suggest give him say 4-6 weeks of real consistent work in whatever discipline you want him to do in the main and see if he can become an enjoyable servant/conveyance/tool however you want to word it. Then decide, he will be going better for the work even if it crystallises your thinking.

I don’t think I over- sentimentalise my horses. But they are always more than a tool/conveyance/servant. I have to actually like their personality and enjoy their company. Not just the riding. And I do need a ‘bond’. Chemistry matters to me, and I have a clear type. I like them clever, bold, alert, curious and forward. Not dim, placid, timid, spooky or energy-conserving. You can educate a thick horse to make him useful. You can build the confidence of a timid horse to do a job for me. You can reduce the spookiness in a horse who’s natural instinct is to run rather than explore. You can get a horse more responsive to the leg. But you can’t change a horse’s basic nature. Horses for courses….

 

[LEC]

Do people really think this hard about it all? Being someone who gets given a lot of horses, my main criteria is, do they do the job and are they talented enough? If they are then they stay and I never worry about the personality stage as find it gets better the more you know them. I like pretty much all talented sporthorses so I am not that fussy. The one I have now was horrible at 3, vile at 4 and 5, frustrating at 6 and is now 8 and a super horse. I think people get so hung up on the magical bond which doesn’t exist apart from in humans minds. Horses are very present creatures so respond to you on the day.

 

[scats]

The horse who follows the horse of a lifetime has a difficult job .
The truth is you just have to give yourself a talking to and either get on with training him or sell him.

I feel this about poor Millie. She followed Diva, who was basically the other half of me. Everything Millie did was a disappointment to me for the first couple of years but deep down I knew there was a good horse in there.
5 years on and we are a pretty tight unit. I’d say it took 2-3 years to gel with her if I’m honest. She will never be Diva, and she’ll never be a horse of a lifetime for me, but that’s ok. We have fun together and she’s got a home for life here.

This thread is interesting for me because I was thinking just this week that neither girls are my horses of a lifetime and, I hope this doesn’t sound awful, I did sort of wish I was back in the days where I had one horse who was my everything. One horse who can go out hacking for miles alone without the inevitable meltdown, do some schooling the next day, go jumping, do a farm ride. I hope maybe I can get back to that one day. Millie is great, but there’s napping and a rear in there that frustrates me and stops her ever being my everything.

 

[Glitter's fun]

How old is he? Character isn't set in stone, could you still nudge him in small ways towards becoming your sort of horse?

What actually happens when you come back from a ride fed up? Is it fixable with lessons/schooling?

How sensitive is he? Could he be unsettled because he realizes he isn't coming up to scratch?

What is he actually for? Sounds like an odd question but I mean do you want a pet to cuddle, a supporter for your mental health, a rambling companion, a teacher, a rosette getter? Ask yourself what you pictured him being.

How saleable is he? If he would sell no bother when you did need to I'd keep him & make do until you meet a perfect one because they don't come along every day.

Edited to add a caveat - if anything you dislike about him is dangerous discard all the above & sell now!

 

[Peglo]

I didn’t always come back from a ride on my TB having particularly enjoyed it. But I did love spending time with her out of the saddle. If you don’t enjoy either then I think I would sell.

I know a couple of horses I definitely wouldn't want to own. I’ve not seen them do anything wrong but I just wouldn’t want to spend my time with them whereas other people love them.

 

[ponynutz]

I actually went through pretty similar but I was a kid so had a heck of a lot less choice.

Had a loan pony who was going to become my first pony but my parents made the decision to not take him on as the loan contract basically boiled down to we’ll let you make him a perfect kids pony then take him back. I was heartbroken (only 10 at the time mind so a bit of an overreaction but I really loved that pony).

Instead got given the ride and then bought my pony now. Rushed into it slightly as I wanted to make my parents happy and obviously wanted a pony. She was rising 5 and a good pony but for a 10 year old too much. Difficult to bring in, nappy, and fresh and just a bit mean tbh. So different from the loan pony and I always wished she were him.

I perservered and fell off almost every day for 6 months, then later the riding got better but she was a cow to deal with on the ground. I wanted to sell her many times and was really jealous of all my other friends because we just didnt get on.

Anyway, she hit about 8/9 and I was 14/15 and joined PC, she came home with us and I started to work my routine around her. She calmed down a bit, I spent time learning her ways and did a lot of groundwork. On the flip side I also started bullying her back a bit when she was being mean. Turns out she needed a stronger rider the whole time and had to wait for me to grow up into one rather than just a kid who she could bully about.

So, yes, I think you can not be right for a horse but, no, I don’t think it’s terminal. The questions you have to ask yourself is can you give horse what they need? Are you hoping they’ll fill a void rather than learning about them?

If the answer to the first is no then I’d sell. If the answer to the second is yes then only time can heal that im afraid as well as dedicating time to just spending ground time with new horse, getting to know him.

 

[Caol Ila]

I feel this about poor Millie. She followed Diva, who was basically the other half of me. Everything Millie did was a disappointment to me for the first couple of years but deep down I knew there was a good horse in there.
5 years on and we are a pretty tight unit. I’d say it took 2-3 years to gel with her if I’m honest. She will never be Diva, and she’ll never be a horse of a lifetime for me, but that’s ok. We have fun together and she’s got a home for life here.

This thread is interesting for me because I was thinking just this week that neither girls are my horses of a lifetime and, I hope this doesn’t sound awful, I did sort of wish I was back in the days where I had one horse who was my everything. One horse who can go out hacking for miles alone without the inevitable meltdown, do some schooling the next day, go jumping, do a farm ride. I hope maybe I can get back to that one day. Millie is great, but there’s napping and a rear in there that frustrates me and stops her ever being my everything.

I hear you, man. Gypsum was my everything. We could hack for miles alone, do a dressage show, pop over some jumps. I miss that.

My current two are not that. Not yet. But Fin might improve on the hacking alone if I can just figure him out, and the just-backed four-year old is a just-backed four-year old. She obviously does not have a fully formed brain yet. Sometimes, I see glimpses of the horse she could be, and that's a very cool horse, but man, the hill to get there is long and steep.

 

[Annagain]

Do people really think this hard about it all? Being someone who gets given a lot of horses, my main criteria is, do they do the job and are they talented enough? If they are then they stay and I never worry about the personality stage as find it gets better the more you know them. I like pretty much all talented sporthorses so I am not that fussy. The one I have now was horrible at 3, vile at 4 and 5, frustrating at 6 and is now 8 and a super horse. I think people get so hung up on the magical bond which doesn’t exist apart from in humans minds. Horses are very present creatures so respond to you on the day.

I think it's a lot easier if you're used to a high turnover but if you normally buy horses for life (like I know Helenback does) and only have one at a time, it's a much bigger deal if you:
a. aren't enjoying them; and
b. have to part with them.

I battled on for 18 months with an unsuitable horse because despite all our ridden woes I loved him dearly and the thought of selling him broke my heart. It wasn't ever about not bonding with him (I think the word bond is a bit overused but you do have to like each other at least!) it was us not being right for each other despite the bond and I think that's the case for a lot of single horse owners. I cried all the way to the sales livery, soaked all the paperwork I had to complete with my tears and sobbed all the way home when I took Charlie to be sold, even though it was my decision and I knew 100% it was the right one. It's bloody hard even when it's right but life's too short to not enjoy something that is meant to be your hobby. I would never have been in the "sell" camp before Charllie but now he's living his best life and I have Wiggy, I'd definitely advise others to do the same if you've reached the point of no return.

 

[Nasicus]

I recently had to sell one due to rising costs and lack of time.
I could either sell the green-broke 4 yo or the reliable 13yo.
I chose to sell the 13yo, because despite her being reliable and no real trouble at all, I just didn't have that much of a connection to her. It was a shame to have to sell her, but I wasn't particularly sad or bereft to have done so, if that makes sense?
The 4yo however, we just gel! She makes me smile, I enjoy her company and I can tell she enjoys mine. She's involved and emotive and just brings me a lot of joy. Even if we have a 'bad ride' I just think about what I could have done differently and then shake it off, as opposed to dwelling on it.

And I think, for a single horse owner who is more emotionally involved, there is no shame in wanting that, even if the horse does everything else you want it to.

 

[spacefaer]

Possibly a bit of a strained analogy but bear with me....

Going to view a horse for sale is like a blind date. It all sounds good on paper but who knows if you'll like them enough to want to see them again.
You buy the horse/ enter the relationship because you like them enough to continue seeing them.
At some point down the line, you decide that you like them enough that you don't want life without them.... In which case, you keep the horse or get married
Or you find through no fault of anyone's, that your paths in life are different, so you split up (sell horse)

I've known boyfriends who have no faults per se and technically "should have" suited me, but they just never rocked my world.
And others who I should have run a million miles in the opposite direction from

 

[HelenBack]

Erm, well I wasn't expecting to get so many replies on this post! There's too much content now to reply to everyone individually but I have read all of the comments and have found it all really helpful.

I've done some thinking and I've decided I'm going to spend a couple of months getting the horse out to clinics, lessons and competitions. If at the end of that it all comes together and I decide I really like him then he'll stay. However, my instinct is that this will be with a view to giving him a bit of a track record to help with his sale. I'm going to start window shopping in the meantime and might well keep hold of this one until I've found something else I want to buy anyway. Personality does matter to me though, my horses are my companions and aren't just there to do a job for me so we have to get on with one another. If it's not there after nearly a year then I think I will feel comfortable moving him on and hoping that he can find a better match for him too.

Possibly a bit of a strained analogy but bear with me....

Going to view a horse for sale is like a blind date. It all sounds good on paper but who knows if you'll like them enough to want to see them again.
You buy the horse/ enter the relationship because you like them enough to continue seeing them.
At some point down the line, you decide that you like them enough that you don't want life without them.... In which case, you keep the horse or get married
Or you find through no fault of anyone's, that your paths in life are different, so you split up (sell horse)

I've known boyfriends who have no faults per se and technically "should have" suited me, but they just never rocked my world.
And others who I should have run a million miles in the opposite direction from

I do actually think this is an excellent analogy. Trying to decide whether a horse is going to be suitable based on one or two brief viewings is impossible. You don't really get time to see their personality and really only have a glimmer too of what they're like to ride. It's easy with the ones that are obviously a no but there are plenty that can appear to tick all the boxes on the day but it's only when you get them home that you get to really find out about them. So it is all a lottery really and actually the two horses I've had that ended up being my favourites were both ones that I wasn't actually that fussed about when I went to see them.

 

[Annagain]

That sounds very sensible HB. Being prepared to move him on but hoping you won't have to is probably a good way of looking at it. I hope, however it works out, you both end up happy.

 

[SEL]

I love the blind date analogy!

At least horses don't get blind drunk the first time you meet them and throw up all over the place......

 

[Hormonal Filly]

I'm trying to tell myself to give him time because he's only young and bound to be an irritating kid at times. He also follows in the footsteps of my horse of a lifetime who has sadly had to be retired, so it was never going to be easy for him.

You’re in the same position I was. My horse of a lifetime had to be put to be retired (and sadly put to sleep relatively quickly after)

I tried and tried with the Welsh D. I kept saying the same, he’s young, he’ll grow on me.

I actually kept him 2 years after my horses death. We never did gel, I sold him and (this sounds awful) I wish I did it sooner. I made an advert a year prior, but felt guilty. He loves his new owner, she regularly keeps me updated and I have a much, much better bond with my new mare. She sees me as her human.

I held on to him for to long hoping things would change, It just didn’t. I’ve had bonds with all my horses which are all treated like royalty (like you, they’re my companions) but something with me and him never clicked. I was just too afraid to admit it for so long.

ETA: He was never naughty, he was fab to be ridden, although he did have ‘Welsh ways’ mainly we just didn’t have any type of bond.

Good luck with him OP. Maybe something will click! Keep us updated

 

[HelenBack]

You’re in the same position I was. My horse of a lifetime had to be put to be retired (and sadly put to sleep relatively quickly after)

I tried and tried with the Welsh D. I kept saying the same, he’s young, he’ll grow on me.

I actually kept him 2 years after my horses death. We never did gel, I sold him and (this sounds awful) I wish I did it sooner. I made an advert a year prior, but felt guilty. He loves his new owner, she regularly keeps me updated and I have a much, much better bond with my new mare. She sees me as her human.

I held on to him for to long hoping things would change, It just didn’t. I’ve had bonds with all my horses which are all treated like royalty (like you, they’re my companions) but something with me and him never clicked. I was just too afraid to admit it for so long.

ETA: He was never naughty, he was fab to be ridden, although he did have ‘Welsh ways’ mainly we just didn’t have any type of bond.

Good luck with him OP. Maybe something will click! Keep us updated

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear about your horse of a lifetime. I'm trying not to think about outcomes with mine and just take each day as it comes as it's just too hard otherwise.

I don't think you should feel bad about wishing you'd sold the Welshie sooner though. You obviously tried to make it work with all the best intentions but there's nothing wrong with reflecting back and realising it was never going to happen and it would have been better for both of you to admit that and move on. It is hard, you have to allow time to get to know one another so shouldn't give up too soon but equally I think it's probably no fun for either horse or owner carrying on in a situation that doesn't make them happy. I think my horse would make a smashing partner for somebody and everybody is so complimentary about him but if I'm honest I just don't think that somebody is me.

Maybe it will click and if it does then great, as looking at horse adverts today doesn't really inspire me! If not though then I think I should learn from your example and know when to move on for both our sakes.

 

[RachelFerd]

Do people really think this hard about it all? Being someone who gets given a lot of horses, my main criteria is, do they do the job and are they talented enough? If they are then they stay and I never worry about the personality stage as find it gets better the more you know them. I like pretty much all talented sporthorses so I am not that fussy. The one I have now was horrible at 3, vile at 4 and 5, frustrating at 6 and is now 8 and a super horse. I think people get so hung up on the magical bond which doesn’t exist apart from in humans minds. Horses are very present creatures so respond to you on the day.

Absolutely this. Magical bonds are not a thing. We are responsible for training our horses so they become ones that suit us better.

I totally get selling a horse for a variety of reasons - physical unsuitability for the job (soundness or lack of athleticism), being 'too much' horse for the rider and creating confidence issues, being too big/small for the rider ... but not so much the bond thing.

If they irritate you in some specific way (that isn't a vice or physical problem) then your job is to do more/change the training, no? At least that's how I've always thought about it. I sometimes think that I'm very lucky to have 2 such lovely, friendly, cheerful horses to deal with... and then I remember that I am, at least in part, responsible for making them that way (especially as picked them up as 3 and 4yos)

 

[HelenBack]

Maybe it depends on you as a person and what you want the horse for. I have had magical bonds with two horses now and they both happened very quickly and regardless of what was going on with riding them. Actually the first one was my teenage jumping pony and he was really difficult with his ridden work initially. Everybody wanted me to sell him but I knew he was worth persisting with and I ended up keeping for 20 years until he was PTS. The one I have now probably wasn't what I set out to buy and I was very ambivalent about him when I tried him but when he turned up and his personality came out he completely own me over and now he has a home for life too.

You can change the training but I don't think you can mould the underlying personality, just like you wouldn't try and change an unsuitable partner. But then you compete at much higher levels than me and want your horses for a job. I just want a pal I can have a nice time with and go home feeling happy after a pleasant day. I don't expect to have that intense bond with all horses and think I've been remarkably lucky to have it with those two, but all of my other horses I have at least liked them for who they fundamentally are, regardless of any intervention from me.

 

[maya2008]

If I could only have one horse, I would sell if I couldn’t bond with them. Horses are my chill-out time, and the zen feeling from the bond is part of that. I enjoy riding my husband’s cob, and he likes the same discipline I do (and is built for it) but the winter he was all I had to ride, it was most definitely not enough. So I persevere with my sweet little mare, and enjoy what she likes to do, because for me, the bond matters more.

I don’t think it’s ideal for the horse either - I had a very sweet SJ pony who was endlessly obedient, helpful and kind, but we couldn’t bond. She was happy enough in her life and I didn’t think it necessarily mattered, but when she finally bonded with my daughter she lit up from the inside, as if all her dreams had come true at once. After six months, I would expect a happy partnership.

 

[PipsqueakXy22]

I’d say a year is plenty of time. Life is too short to be riding the wrong horse. Im very much someone that believes that, like people, you aren’t going to get on with every horse, and this is coming from someone who tried for 6 years with a horse before realizing this. Sounds similar to yours in that he was never a bad horse but often id have frustrating rides where I came away in tears or thinking I was the worst rider in the world. Ended up selling him to an amazing home and i kick myself that i put us both through all that grief without doing it sooner. They honestly love him so much and do so well with him out competing. It sounds like from this forum you will have lots of different stories and opinions but i think you will know what your gut is telling you. If its saying stick at it then so be it but if its saying hes not right for you I’d trust your instincts.

 

[Boulty]

It took me a while with the Welsh idiot & I think in slightly different circumstances I might not have persevered (god knows I had enough people telling me to sell as for quite valid reasons they thought a horse who bolted from cows & wanted to kill the farrier was a bit of a liability… unsure who my market would have been at that point?!). Of course he ended up going lame anyway so I sorta ended up stuck with him. Sent him to Rockley as a last ditch effort to get him sound / stop having to risk shoes going flying past our heads & will admit I still wasn’t sure on what my plan was for afterwards if we still didn’t like each other. Anyhow had a weekend away in Devon & Cornwall where I rode 4 other horses and then sat on him unsupervised in what I will dub the “infinity school “ at Rockley on account of the view. Decided that perhaps he wasn’t so terrible an option after all and that maybe we could make it work. Not saying it was all sunshine & rainbows from that point as honestly keeping him sound & happy was one hell of a tightrope walk & we still drove each other up the wall at times but we had a string of slightly crazy adventures & he grudgingly decided I was his chosen human who could be trusted / allowed to do things that most other humans were forbidden from doing (& that I was the chief person he complained to when something wasn’t to his liking… he was definitely capable of putting on a show for me & then go back to being totally normal as soon as I turned my back!) I think the only way we did make it work is that I abandoned some of the goals I’d had & accepted him for the horse he was rather than the one I wanted him to be. Not suggesting that this would have been the right thing for most people but guess I’m just saying that you’re not going to be head over heels / have “that” feeling about every horse you own & it’s up to you if you’re ok with that or if you want to try to keep looking for a horse you click better with