How to deal with tragedy.

alainax

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Just reaching out a little here. How would you deal with a tragic occurrence at your yard?

I wont go into details, it is not my place. However, I can't even begin to imagine what the people involved are going through right now. In an event which was entirely unavoidable, how would you cope at your yard? Do you just soldier on? What support could potentially be on offer to those affected? I guess I am reaching out a bit myself, in wanting to be able to be there for others, but also come to terms with the incident myself. Has anyone ever dealt with this sort of tragedy before, if so what advice do you see fit? ( Please, I wont go into details, but just presume worst case).
 

milliepops

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We had a tragedy at a yard I was on a few years ago. I think we were all pretty much devastated for a long time. We didn't really do anything as a collective other than just talk about it. I leant on my friends who were not on the yard more, as I was closer to them. It still hits me now from time to time, usually when I least expect it.

We did get together as a group to plant a memorial a while later, and the family involved attended, after the dust had settled, so to speak. It was still very raw.

I don't think there is a best way to deal with things like that. It's all so very individual. Some people are very private, some appear untouched, some want to be very public about their feelings. Hope you are OK. x
 

Magnetic Sparrow

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I am interpreting 'worst case' as a person dying.

Unless you know the bereaved person(s) well, it can be difficult to judge what is best. In my opinion a card or flowers is a good way of giving your support and letting the person/people know that they are not alone and that you are thinking of them without intruding.

On the yard, if DIY helping with jobs or just keeping an eye out for the horse(s) when those affected may not be in a position to do the work. Often people say 'if there's anything I can do, just ask' and people whose world has just turned upside down may not be able to ask for what they need. If you can say 'If it would help I could muck out Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays' for example, the people you are trying to help may be able to focus on saying yes or no.

Most important I think is not to avoid the person in trouble and to let them know you care. Good decision not to go into detail, even though your post is a bit vague as a result. Gossip is bad, I agree.
 

milliepops

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Often people say 'if there's anything I can do, just ask' and people whose world has just turned upside down may not be able to ask for what they need. If you can say 'If it would help I could muck out Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays' for example, the people you are trying to help may be able to focus on saying yes or no.

^^very good and practical advice.
 

MargotC

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I'm sorry. x

As simple (and as hard) as it sounds, I would try to maintain a routine for the sake of horses and people. Offer practical help if/when possible. Depending on how close knit or not the yard is; one person in charge should make sure everyone touched in some way gets the same information as it stops anything wrong being passed around. Take care of each other as people understandably will be shaken.
 

Equi

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All you can do is be there. If they are about try to distract them, ask them to hold your horse for a min, would they mind watching while you ride for something etc etc.
 

Michen

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Errrr if I had just had something awful happen to me and someone was trying to "distract" me like that I would be furious!

Please don't take that advice OP. Do the things for them that can help make things that bit easier, muck out, poo pick, whatever. A bag of those really nice waitrose "Cook" ready meals so they don't have to think about cooking. That sort of thing- but just carry on as best you can. X


All you can do is be there. If they are about try to distract them, ask them to hold your horse for a min, would they mind watching while you ride for something etc etc.
 

alainax

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Thank you all for the advice so far it is really appreciated, and from those who have been there before. The horse will be well looked after and in safe hands for the immediate future of that I am sure. I cant even begin to imagine what those in close proximity are going through, or what would be beneficial to them right now.
 

Luci07

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Depends on how close you are but offering to take over some of the routine chores is always helpful. The other thing is that when tragedy strikes, there sometimes is almost a party type scenario (bear with me)in the immediate aftermath. Lots of people around, support, nothing has sunk in. The real problems start a little way after the event when the affected people have to get on with their life and everyone else has moved off and gone back to their own lives.
 

Equi

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Errrr if I had just had something awful happen to me and someone was trying to "distract" me like that I would be furious!

Please don't take that advice OP. Do the things for them that can help make things that bit easier, muck out, poo pick, whatever. A bag of those really nice waitrose "Cook" ready meals so they don't have to think about cooking. That sort of thing- but just carry on as best you can. X

Well you are not the one who has had the tragedy. Many feel that distraction is better than people sitting there feeling sorry for them.

Ps i assumed a horse had died. Its kind of hard to tell!!! If the horses human has died, well its totally different.
 

milliepops

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Luci is right, but how much you are able to help in that respect does depend on how close you are to the people involved. It may not be appropriate for OP to offer direct support to them outside the yard (dunno, OP, but you can judge that for yourself). The horse is probably bottom of their list of concerns in reality, being to an extent, a problem that will take care of itself on a yard of decent people.

On the other hand, it's likely that there are other people on the yard with no direct or close connection who could do with someone to prop them up. Trauma affects us all differently.
 

MargotC

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On the other hand, it's likely that there are other people on the yard with no direct or close connection who could do with someone to prop them up. Trauma affects us all differently.

This. And also to say, it might take a while for such reactions to show up. Everyone should keep an eye on each other. x
 

alainax

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Depends on how close you are but offering to take over some of the routine chores is always helpful. The other thing is that when tragedy strikes, there sometimes is almost a party type scenario (bear with me)in the immediate aftermath. Lots of people around, support, nothing has sunk in. The real problems start a little way after the event when the affected people have to get on with their life and everyone else has moved off and gone back to their own lives.

I am not close, just a fellow livery. I am just reaching out to see if there is anything I can do to help them that I hadn't thought of at this moment. There are several staff members & friends who will all have been very closely affected by this. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. I am presuming time is needed initially, and then support through meetings, discussions, memorials etc? I fear it has not yet sunk in for many, but possibly worse - many are potentially questioning their own actions.
 

milliepops

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I am presuming time is needed initially, and then support through meetings, discussions, memorials etc? I fear it has not yet sunk in for many, but possibly worse - many are potentially questioning their own actions.

:( :( I think you come across like a sensible, caring, clear thinking person. Just go with your instinct, and don't over think it.
 

alainax

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On the other hand, it's likely that there are other people on the yard with no direct or close connection who could do with someone to prop them up. Trauma affects us all differently.

This. And also to say, it might take a while for such reactions to show up. Everyone should keep an eye on each other. x

So very true.
 

alainax

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:( :( I think you come across like a sensible, caring, clear thinking person. Just go with your instinct, and don't over think it.

Thank you, I have just never came across this before, and want to be there if at all possible, for those who may need it, and know how to - without getting in the way or over stepping my mark. It is easy to say " I will be there if you need me" but how to mean it...

You are of course right with the over thinking, it may be best if I just see how it all pans out. It is still so very very raw.
 

milliepops

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I think you can often tell just by literally being there, and watching for a reaction. I can only speak from my own experience. as you say, it's easy to say 'I'm here if you need me' then turn on your heels and walk away.

But if you pause there for a moment, just take a breath, look at the view, I dunno, sometimes you can see it in someone's face or expression that they have something bottled up that needs to come out. That's why I say go on your instinct - there's not a prescribed way to do that, and IMO THAT is the bit that helps people to come to terms with a horrible event. Solidarity, companionship? I dunno what the word is.

But also make sure you have someone YOU can lean on. You can't be the rock for the whole yard, and some people won't want you to, don't take that to heart :)
 

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Having recently lost someone myself, I can say that although I do not want go talk about it, I really appreciate the lovely words people have wrtten.

A thoughtful letter or card means a lot as does, not being too embarrassed to go up to relatives and if there are no words just let them know you care, I have never forgotten people in the village crossing the road rather than speak to us when we were all in shock when FIL died some years ago.
 

Goldenstar

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Practical help of course with the horse stuff like that.
I would send a card and write some thing suitable and perhaps consider making a meal something like an lasagne that you could just leave at their home .
It's very difficult and fear of getting things wrong is strong but don't be afraid to talk and offer help.
If it's a death from falling from a horse the obvious thing is that in the future experienced sensible people help the family deal with the horses future .
I certainly would not be asking any one closely involved to hold my horse or watch me ride I think that's a terrible idea.
 

Princess16

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Practical help of course with the horse stuff like that.
I would send a card and write some thing suitable and perhaps consider making a meal something like an lasagne that you could just leave at their home .
It's very difficult and fear of getting things wrong is strong but don't be afraid to talk and offer help.
.

^^^^ This. Just be there for them and help out where possible but 'not in your face' IYKWIM. How tragic whatever the circumstances :-(
 

Clare85

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A tragic event happened at a yard I was at a couple of years ago. It was a big shock. The yard has a very supportive atmosphere and everyone is quite close. The person who was directly affected by the tragedy really wanted to just get on with things and didn't want people moping about them - so that's what happened. Obviously everyone gave hugs and expressed how sorry they were, offered help with the ponies and things, but in the most part they just kept a close eye on the person and stepped up if they looked to be struggling. There is now an annual memorial event set up to raise money for an important local charity.
 

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What a shocking thing to have happened. OP, you have a new baby IIRC? You'll have your hands full with your own little one, so I doubt you'll have much spare time to help care for the horse, but just be as supportive as you can.

If it was an accident involving the horse, it would be very understandable if the family decide they want rid of it. It will still need to be taken care of until its future is settled, whether that's selling on or other options.

RIP person, and OP, thank you for being so caring. The shock waves from a tragic event like this spread far and wide, and linger.
 

maisie06

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Just be there , offer support with practical things, and don't be afraid to speak to then people involved. How horrible.
 

pansymouse

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I think it's important to read the people in the situation and offer support appropriate to their character. As an introvert, I would be overwhelmed and distressed by overt offers of support and then racked with guilt that I may have been offensively frosty to a well meaning person. Sometimes little things like filling water buckets or making sure there is fresh milk and biscuits in the tea room are the sort of support that people coping with aftermath of tragedy need the most from acquaintances.
 

Gloi

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As someone who lost someone very close not long ago can I say the people involved may have all the support around them at the moment but don't forget them as time passes by. Up to and around the time of the funeral I had plenty of support but after a short while everyone went back to their own lives and that was really when the support started to be needed but people were back being busy with their own stuff.
 

Joyous70

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I am interpreting 'worst case' as a person dying.

Unless you know the bereaved person(s) well, it can be difficult to judge what is best. In my opinion a card or flowers is a good way of giving your support and letting the person/people know that they are not alone and that you are thinking of them without intruding.

On the yard, if DIY helping with jobs or just keeping an eye out for the horse(s) when those affected may not be in a position to do the work. Often people say 'if there's anything I can do, just ask' and people whose world has just turned upside down may not be able to ask for what they need. If you can say 'If it would help I could muck out Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays' for example, the people you are trying to help may be able to focus on saying yes or no.

Most important I think is not to avoid the person in trouble and to let them know you care. Good decision not to go into detail, even though your post is a bit vague as a result. Gossip is bad, I agree.

Agree with this
 

sasquatch

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As many have said, if your relationship with those affected is just on the yard, then it can be hard to know what to do and what is appropriate.

I would offer to help out on the yard, and let them know you are willing to help in any way you can. I also think a card, or even the offer of a cup of tea and a chat if anyone ever needs someone to listen to and some comfort might be nice, even if no one takes you up on it.

I think something like making sure there's milk and biscuits, that horses are all fed and watered etc is a good idea. Especially if the whole yard is in shock (and I imagine you are too, OP), everyone will need as much help and support as possible, you included OP.

Deepest sympathies for you and those involved OP x
 
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