How to get someone's confidence up?

[Chinchilla]

As title says really. What would you suggest to help a rider whose confidence is at rock bottom and who is as such considering giving up? Asking for someone I know - she has totally over horsed herself - she was previously riding a school masterly pony and has now bought herself a bigger, very green horse and isn't coping. She is considering giving up but I basically don't want to lose my hacking buddy! Nothing wrong with the horse per se it's just enthusiastic and young. Very kind sweet horse on the ground. But fairly forward going under saddle and rider isn't used to that.
Thank you, I really feel for this poor girl, she was so enthusiastic to get her first 'proper horse' but now seems more nervous than I have ever known her and I'm not sure how to help.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Really she needs to sell this horse on and buy one more suited to her but if that's not an option for some reason, does she have lessons with a recommended local instructor? Could you help her if the RI gave her homework to practise between lessons?

 

[Pinkvboots]

If she is not having lessons I would recommend she get someone to help, I helped someone who was scared to hack their horse some years back I used to hack with her with a couple of safe horses I could trust, for months we just walked then slowly introduced some trot and eventually canter it did take about 8 months and she was also having 2 lessons a week, but within the year she was a different person and so was the pony and she was at a point where she would hack alone and be happy at any pace, I also hacked the pony for her at times with someone else and I never had any trouble and that alone I think helped her see that he wasn't dangerous.

 

[Equi]

Get rid of the horse for a start.

 

[Auslander]

She needs to sell the horse that is, through no fault of his own, wrecking her confidence. He sounds lovely, but he needs to go and be lovely for someone else, and she needs to find something in between him and her schoolmaster.

She isn't going to improve herself, or the horse, if she is frightened.

 

[Sukistokes2]

Talking as someone who has had a confidence issues , I echo what the others have said , move the horse on and get something more suitable. I took too long to do this with my lad. He wasn't even naughty, just a bit cheeky and because he was small and I felt too big for him, I never settled to riding him. My confidence just ebbed away. I found him the right loan home and he morphed into a fantastic horse. I was holding him back, he was holding me back. If he was bigger I would be happy to ride him now, he is a star.
As for regaining confidence, its a slow process but slowly slowly catchee monkey.
As with anything you want to do better, you have to actually have to do it, in order to build your confidence. I would start with doing small steps,staying within her comfort zone, on a suitable horse. Even if she just gets led around the school twice the first time, its a start. Over time just push gently , doing a little more. When I first got Kevin I just walked him out until I was comfortable , then trotted ( I was having lessons) I went out on my own, just walking short distances and increasing them until one day I just wandered in the woods and pushed into a canter. After that i just really didn't think about it, I just made massive leaps forward. Even now after my fall and Kev's injury I still jumped up, rode him out and cantered him, the professional riding my other horse was gob smacked, she hadn't even cantered him, but he was offering it and felt right, so off we went.
As the person offering help you need to learn the difference between the person saying no in fear and needing a nudge and really not being ready, difficult I know. Be ready to help and keep stuff behind your teeth. Often I get fed up with me being a wimp at times, let alone how annoying it must be for my instructor.
My last piece of advice is do something every day, esp if some thing goes wrong the day before, don't let her stew and blow things out of proportion inside her head.

 

[Goldenstar]

Wrong horse just get her to sell him and find another .

 

[shanti]

Please encourage her to sell the horse. She will not only end up with shattered confidence but she will ruin the horse in the process.

 

[Dawny]

Depends on her circumstances. Is she a good enough rider for the horse and is just being held back by confidence issues, or is she genuinely not capable of riding it? No shame in admitting the latter.
If only confidence came as quickly as it went.
As others have said, I'd recommend she takes a fair amount of lessons with a kind trainer. Emphasis on the kind, because while tough trainers can be great to whip you into shape, a situation like this may be better with a few kind words. I'd also suggest she rides other horses than just her own. Maybe a steadier riding school horse? Something less young/green? It might let her regain her composure, which is usually one of the things to out the window along with confidence.
Another really important thing is for her to ride as often as possible- the longer spent staying away because you're 'just not up for it today' the longer she has for her brain to blow things out of proportion.
If it really gets that bad, then consider either selling the horse, or loaning him out until she feels better. Sometimes it just takes a while to click with a new horse, but it wouldn't be fair on her or her horse to stay together if both are getting negatively impacted by it. That being said, I hope everything turn out well

 

[Chinchilla]

Depends on her circumstances. Is she a good enough rider for the horse and is just being held back by confidence issues, or is she genuinely not capable of riding it? No shame in admitting the latter.
If only confidence came as quickly as it went.
As others have said, I'd recommend she takes a fair amount of lessons with a kind trainer. Emphasis on the kind, because while tough trainers can be great to whip you into shape, a situation like this may be better with a few kind words. I'd also suggest she rides other horses than just her own. Maybe a steadier riding school horse? Something less young/green? It might let her regain her composure, which is usually one of the things to out the window along with confidence.
Another really important thing is for her to ride as often as possible- the longer spent staying away because you're 'just not up for it today' the longer she has for her brain to blow things out of proportion.
If it really gets that bad, then consider either selling the horse, or loaning him out until she feels better. Sometimes it just takes a while to click with a new horse, but it wouldn't be fair on her or her horse to stay together if both are getting negatively impacted by it. That being said, I hope everything turn out well

I think she would be capable of riding the horse is only she believed in herself! Ok so they aren't going to be the next charlotte dujardin and valegro but they could absolutely go out and do a bit of everything and just have fun if only the woman had a bit more confidence!!
Sorry it sounds a tad aggressive but I suggested loaning him out and she absolutely bit my head off!

 

[be positive]

I think she would be capable of riding the horse is only she believed in herself! Ok so they aren't going to be the next charlotte dujardin and valegro but they could absolutely go out and do a bit of everything and just have fun if only the woman had a bit more confidence!!
Sorry it sounds a tad aggressive but I suggested loaning him out and she absolutely bit my head off!

Loaning him out will not help with her confidence unless it is to someone capable of bringing him on properly who is then happy to hand him back but it will make no real difference to her situation as she will have nothing to ride if he went, if she lacks confidence she doesn't need suggestions that are not going to help her so I am not surprised she reacted badly.
She needs to either sell and replace with something ready to go which she probably doesn't want to do or spend some money on having lessons and getting him schooled on for her, if she finds the right person to help it may be all she needs to make the partnership work, you cannot force someone to be confident but you can strongly suggest she gets a good pro involved.

 

[Red-1]

I help many people with their confidence. Sometimes it is a 'quick fix' where there is just a misunderstanding or something missing from training. I love those, very gratifying when things are soon FAB and everyone is happy, sometimes after just one lesson and some practice at home.

More often there is a problem with soundness or saddle fit. Horses don't feel safe to ride when they are twitchy and unhappy. Happy owners are those who look into the issue, and have it resolved. Unhappy owners are those who don't believe it is a pain response and plod on, but I don't stay with those.

Sometimes it is just that the horse is not a match. I also love it when the owner takes action and swaps the horse for something more suitable. I know all too well how horrid it is to sell and then have to find and buy another. The great ones though are where the owner was previously nervous and not enjoying themselves, but with a new horse is instantly at ease, whizzing around laughing out loud at the thrill.

Yes, some owners do go from being nervous to enjoying their horse. IME though, it is a long job, and rarely as satisfying as simply finding that horse that makes you laugh at the world. Instant fun.

 

[Chinchilla]

Loaning him out will not help with her confidence unless it is to someone capable of bringing him on properly who is then happy to hand him back but it will make no real difference to her situation as she will have nothing to ride if he went, if she lacks confidence she doesn't need suggestions that are not going to help her so I am not surprised she reacted badly.
She needs to either sell and replace with something ready to go which she probably doesn't want to do or spend some money on having lessons and getting him schooled on for her, if she finds the right person to help it may be all she needs to make the partnership work, you cannot force someone to be confident but you can strongly suggest she gets a good pro involved.

I offered to find someone to school him for her but she doesn't want anyone else to work with the horse, apparently she just really wanted to bring on and school her own horse. I think she will feel she had 'failed' of she gets anyone else to help if that makes sense??? On a more positive note she is having a riding lesson on Sunday on a nice quiet Cob.

 

[Gerry-Boy]

I sort of did the same, over-horsed myself. Thought I bought a nice, well schooled horse and found out it's inexperienced and a nutter. I had confidence issues before I got him and after he'd chucked me off my confidence was completely gone.

I did what people suggested here, got myself a nice, lovely little cob. He's not a total plod, he's opinionated but he's not nasty and I feel that I'm actually becoming a better rider with him.
I have a wonderful instructor who works with me and understood my confidence crisis.
It was very hard in the beginning, I was even afraid to just sit on him, felt like an epic failure and didn't know if I'd ever get over this.
Now I'm happily cantering and jumping him and want to take him out to his first show in a couple of weeks.

I've still got the nutter as he's a difficult horse with a horrible past, I don't want him passed around. I've found him a very good and experienced rider who enjoys that kind of horse - may they be happy together