How to tell someone they're a pain in the butt?

J

JenHunt

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... as the title really.

There's someone that is part of a brass band who seems to spend their entire life stirring the proverbial and trying to use the influence they think they have to blackmail the other people into letting them have their own way.

I have the distinct feeling that this evening it will come to a head, and when asked for my opinion I'd like to tell them that their bullying, childish tactics are likely to cost the band half its players, that their persistent nit-picking and nagging and all-hours-of-the-day phone calls are causing someone else to show the early signs of stress and a nervous breakdown, that the way they carry on is enough to make half the band dislike them, that their family is not one jot the bunch of superior musicians they think they are, that other people have feelings, thoughts, rights and opinions too that shouldn't be over-ridden, and that I think they are a piece of work that shouldn't darken the bandroom's doorstep ever again.

how can i say this without sounding like someone who's on a high horse or who's just:mad: jumping on a bandwagon? don't get me wrong, I really dislike the person and the harm they are causing, but I'm not someone who boils over and rants (well, not in person anyway ;)), quite the opposite, I tend to go into my shell and keep my mouth shut.
 
As a Yorkshire lass myself, I have a feeling you'll find the words:D maybe not the right ones but you'll get your message across.
"Some people have tact, others tell the truth"
 
Try to have a word with them tactfully before it boils over and you end up losing your rag... but just watch it doesnt come back negatively on you.
 
I always find in these situations that it is best to try to keep comments impersonal, so that no one person can really feel offended. So if you can, get the whole band to draw up a list of 'rules' about how/when to have discussions about band matters. Point out that every-one has stresses in all areas of their lives and really doesn't need their leisure/hobby to cause any more. You can always say that phonecalls etc give the impression, 'even if this is unintended' of trying to manipulate the decison-making process, while openness is best for every-one.
It sounds as though a tactful person like yourself is needed for this occasion. It would probably be worth writing down what you want to say, not to read it out but to get it straight in your own mind. Good luck.
 
thanks guys, I'm sorry I didn't reply last night, I got back late from band (sorting all of this out mostly!)

The person in question did indeed come to practice last night, with their 2 duaghters. Not one of the 3 of them said a single word, not even a hello or good bye. They're normally really gregarious (read slightly irritatingly so) people.
The conductor always has a few words with band at the practice following a performance so last night was no different (we'd been on Saltburn Bandstand on sunday). But he made a point after all th praises and thank yous of saying how proud he was of the band for pulling together, working as a team, for putting personal differences aside to produce a brilliant performance that earnt us the title of best of season (to date!) at the bandstand.

The person wouldn't make eye contact with the conductor.

The conductor went on to say that he'd like to ask the band as a whole to congratulate each other, and thank each person for their contribution. He also said that he'd like the band members to refrain from drinking until after the band finish playing as he felt it led to a reduced performance (and the subtitles read "and bad behaviour, and more agro for everyone!") which lets us down.

Anyway, we went on to have an awesome practice, and all but the three went home with a great smile on their faces. The conductor is still on the verge of resigning, but we've (the committee) managed to persuade him to keep going after the response he got from the band tonight.

so, it went better than I'd thought it might, but I'm still prepared to tell this person my thoughts if necessary. :D

teas and biccies if you got this far! ;)
 
It sounds as though you might not need to say anything just yet. This family have obviously got 'the vibes' that their behaviour is annoying other people. Of course, they will probably rear their ugly heads again after a while. I'd be tempted in that case, unless you feel that you can control them, to ask them to leave the band, rather than letting them jeopardise the future of the whole band. Congratulations on your brilliant performance!
 
tbh P, that is what we're hoping. This is the umpteenth time they've tried to use thier behaviour to get their own way, and we said after the last time that that was it, again and they'd be going.

I for one am hoping that they just get the hint and leave without a fuss. I have a feeling that if we have to ask them they will turn round and kick us in the guts and cause all sorts
 
Sounds like your conductor has a brilliant and discreet way with words and has handled the situation in a fair and firm way - worth hanging on to him - tie him to the bandstand so that he can't run off !!!!
 
abina said:
Sounds like your conductor has a brilliant and discreet way with words and has handled the situation in a fair and firm way - worth hanging on to him - tie him to the bandstand so that he can't run off !!!!
Click to expand...

it's funny, I've known DP (conductor) for years. He's not a patient man, and has quite a short fuse until you put him in front of the band and he turns into the most patient careful guy on the planet! You couldn't ask for a conductor who care's more about their band than DP. He says there's only one thing that stops him thinking about band and that's not repeatable on here!;):D
 
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