How to tell your partner...

Ceifer

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Sorry this is a woe is me thread.

I lost my horse just under two months ago. I had him just over a year. If I'm honest I knew there were problems - he was nappy out hacking and had a very weak back end that never really improved with correct working. Two vets later and a diagnosis of wobblers (long story). He deteriorated very quickly and it was decided that it was the kindest thing to do.

I've been utterly bereft ever since. He was my best friend and the nicest horse you'd ever wish to meet.

The kind owners at the livery yard are letting me loan one of their daughters horses and have been utterly lovely throughout. They encourage me to treat him as my own and he's a fantastic little horse. But he's not mine.

This is the pathetic part. I can't have children and my old horse was like my baby. Yes yes I know he shouldn't have been and it's not like I mollycoddled him like a child. But he was my responsibility and I cared for him.
My partner has also been very understanding throughout the hell endured with making the decision. But he's also of the opinion that with the new horse things have slotted back into place and I can carry on as was.
I think part of his thoughts were a bit of a lack of understanding how much I did love my horse as most of the time I owned him we had problems, he wasn't a cheap horse and I'm supposed to be an experienced horsewoman who ended up choosing a 'duff' horse.
He has two grown up children from a previous relationship which works brilliantly as there's no pressure on me with regards to not being able to have kids.
I've spoken to him about it but he still doesn't really see how much it's hurting. I'm not ready for a new horse just yet and I'm contemplating saving for an Iberian (they aren't blooming well cheap) but it'll take me at least a year if not longer.

Don't really know where this is going and if you've got this far we'll done. Has any body else experienced this? Feel like a mad woman.
 
I always think there's a couple of things in life that are non negotiable as they make you happy on such a deep level. my husband wasn't impressed with me getting a horse again after other one died years ago, but it was non negotiable as far as i was concerned. so i just said i was doing it and did it. in return if he ever really wanted to do something that was important to him, he knows id understand.
If you can afford it and its not putting you under undue pressure then just go for it whenever the time arises. husbands just want an easy life . happy wife= happy life
 
I'm very sorry for your loss and understand how you feel. I also don't have children and never will. My four legged friends are my 'children'. In the last few years i lost a mare and both my elderly dogs. It broke my heart but OH was quite to the point in that they were animals and that they are gone now so don't think/upset yourself over it! I think some people just don't understand and i don't want to be sexist but maybe moreso men? I think you just have to accept that he will never understand the bond you had and the loss you feel. Needless to say my OH is no longer! I chose my new pony over him wanting to move abroad!
 
Your not pathetic, you're grieving. A new horse will be that a new horse and is not a replacement which by your post you're not ready for. Take a month or months, enjoy what you've been lucky to be offered and one morning I suspect you will be ready for your new best friend (this may be when a certain ad catches your eye) at which point we need PHOTOS
 
There are ways to get a Spanish or Portuguese horse that don't cost the crazy prices asked for them over here. PM me and I'll pass on a few contacts.
 
Hey' us blokes are also are maternal too!. My dogs, horse (and previous horses) were my extended family . . So no, your not being stupid feeling this way. Our animals take up so much time and give us so much back! . . . I personally prefer animals over people any day!
 
There are ways to get a Spanish or Portuguese horse that don't cost the crazy prices asked for them over here. PM me and I'll pass on a few contacts.

Hi Cortez

I'm a bit of a cynic with buying Iberians in the UK. I was a working pupil in Portugal and have had experience with UK sellers. They want money for tat.
 
I have had horses all my married life, and pets, but my husband was not brought up with animals and really has no connexion with them what so ever, and does not really get just being with them gives you so much pleasure.
I lost my in foal brood mare a few months ago, I'd had her since she was two, and I am now in a dilemma whether to get another. I bought a foal at the end of August, and its really cheaper and less hassle to buy them in, but...
I have been tentatively looking, but I haven't really thought what I am going to tell DH. I think though if we are grownups, we can afford it, and we are not asking the other half to look after it, why not?
Sometimes when he gets grumpy I ask him how would it make him happier if we didn't have them? The is silence. He is out gliding now.
 
Hey' us blokes are also are maternal too!. My dogs, horse (and previous horses) were my extended family . . So no, your not being stupid feeling this way. Our animals take up so much time and give us so much back! . . . I personally prefer animals over people any day!

come on ladies..form an orderly queue!
 
I told my husband that "B" would be my last horse. Unfortunately I lost "B" to colic. He was only 17 and I was 42. My husband and I also sail. We were sailing home one day and I said "we need to talk". I told hubby how I felt that my life had ended at 42. I couldn't envisage being without a horse. He wasnt that impressed as he thought we would be cruising the world without any ties. We talked he listened. That Christmas, I took ownership of my beautiful Arab, a big red ribbon around his neck. That was 8 years ago. Hubby understood, I need horses, like he needs sailing.
 
My husband doesn't get it. As a child I was desperate for a pony and could never persuade my mum, so when I could afford my first horse post uni I bought one and had horses since. I currently have horses 3 and 4 and both have been hugely problematic - 3 is unpredictable (now retired) and resulted in me breaking my hip (I came off on the road during one of her episodes). My husband dealt with it all terribly with me (my fault, my hobby was selfish etc etc) and doesn't understand now I'm back fit and healthy why I want to continue to ride. Through this all I've talked to him, explained but ultimately I've done what I want because life is too short not to follow your dreams. I love my horses, love spending time with them, we don't have kids and I need something other than my job (which can be demanding). I think we might finally be getting somewhere though, he said the other day that I might need to start looking for a new horse!!!!!
 
I haven't experienced the same thing per se, but I lost my lovely boy on the 1st December. He was my best friend and 'forever horse'. He owed me nothing and was such a special chap, and I was so angry that such a healthy and happy pony could be there one minute and cruelly gone the next.

People around me were lovely, many friends sent me kind messages and offered their horses for me to ride, but it is in no way the same. At the end of the day the most important thing in my life has gone - he was my responsibility and now I feel like I don't have anything. Although people understood my grief at first, they don't understand why I haven't 'gotten over it' now - someone even told me that I needed to stop punishing myself, which doesn't make much sense to me!

I'm sorry your hubby can't see how you're feeling, but would it be worth having a conversation about it? Telling him you feel and how the feelings aren't going to go away? Best of luck, and feeling for you x
 
Love me , love my animals.....simple !

I'm lucky, my partner treats our pets ( or as he calls them "the boys" (( no matter the sex)) ) as i would expect. He knows they are my life and he does not interfere. He would be as upset over the death of any one of my animals as I would be.

However, to be honest, while I get upset and do mourn, I do move on quite quickly , although I've only lost animals to old age, so not sure how I'd be with a sudden lost. I've usually " replaced" the old animal, before they have gone. ( in the nicest sense of the word)
 
You are not pathetic. As someone who spent over 10 years trying to have a family (and failing spectacularly) I believe owning a horse fulfils a need in me to care and nurture. The horse I had around this time was rarely sound and was very high maintenance but she was a lovely 'person' and in hindsight I think it was fate that bought us together as we needed each other at that time. Eventually I had her PTS and four months later I bought my current horse who is completely different. My current horse is low maintenance and healthy and we've done so much together. He has made me a much more confident, happy person and I owe him the world.

If you haven't already done so, try to sit down and have a proper conversation with your OH and tell him how you feel and how much owning your own horse means to you and ask him to think about it. Don't push him for answer but hopefully once he's had a chance to think about what you've said and how much it means to you he might start to come round to your way of thinking.
 
Thanks all who have replied. It's really cheered me up and I don't feel so much like a madwoman.

OH is also thinking of financial implications I guess. He gave me a 1/3 of the money for my other boy and seeing him only last for a short time has made him wary.
 
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