Husband hates me having a horse and wants rid!

[sarah0307]

I am sooooo fed up of my husband causing me grief and moaning over my horse. I bought him last year- he is my first horse and he came along after.

I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy. Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

I absolutely do not want to get rid of my horse and refuse to. But I can’t keep having the same arguement all the time. The arguement tonight was that in selfish for spending so much money on something that’s for me when it should be for family holidays etc.

Am I being unreasonable?

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy.

Children that are his I assume? Who looks after them during the day? Who cooks their dinner, gets them ready for bed etc. Assuming you do your fair share then there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having sole responsibility of HIS children for a few hours.

I think having separate hobbies away from each other is one of the best things for a healthy relationship. As you say, you pay your share for the house and for the horse so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Re the holiday fund, do you not go on holidays at all or is he implying you could afford more/better if it weren’t for the horse?

 

[sarah0307]

Yes- his children. Two go to school during the day and I have our 8 month old baby. He cooks dinner- I clean the house.

we do go on holidays but he’s implying that we no longer will as I now have a horse and thinks I won’t be able to put in my share. He’s said if I didn’t have the horse we could pay for a holiday home abroad

 

[AmyMay]

Tricky. Especially for him it seems having to look after his own kids ??‍

But, jesting aside, I think it can be very hard for others to be on the sidelines to horse ownership. And to a degree I think that both parties have to be on board because of the impact it can have on family life (which I don’t think can be underestimated).

Are your kids involved too?

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Did you discuss buying the horse with husband, prior to the purchase? What did husband say about the purchase then? I must admit that all this 'his' and 'hers' division of money sounds very odd to me. I would say that you are not being unreasonable, as most parents need something for themselves, away from the children, unless you bought the horse without discussing the concept and getting his agreement (not permission) first.

 

[meleeka]

Sorry I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not a debate you will be having. He sounds like a brat.

 

[sarah0307]

Tricky. Especially for him it seems having to look after his own kids ??‍

But, jesting aside, I think it can be very hard for others to be on the sidelines to horse ownership. And to a degree I think that both parties have to be on board because of the impact it can have on family life (which I don’t think can be underestimated).

Are your kids involved too?

He most definitely isn’t on board and I don’t think he ever will be. He says I choose the horse over him. I have four kids. 3 boys and a girl. The eldest isn’t interested (17) middle boy (10) couldn’t care less, youngest son (5) loves coming with me but has adhd and runs behind them etc so isn’t safe, baby girl (8 months) too young.

 

[sarah0307]

Sorry I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s not a debate you will be having. He sounds like a brat.

Mmmm thats why we’ve had an immense argument. I’m selfish and he’s losing his patience with “this situation”

 

[sarah0307]

Did you discuss buying the horse with husband, prior to the purchase? What did husband say about the purchase then? I must admit that all this 'his' and 'hers' division of money sounds very odd to me. I would say that you are not being unreasonable, as mot parents need something for themselves, away from the children, unless you bought the horse without discussing the concept and getting his agreement (not permission) first.

yes I did. He didn’t really want me to get him in the first place but knew this was a life long dream since I was a little girl. He said he didn’t realise how much time it was going to take up.
The money thing- we were always “what’s mine is yours” and everything was “ours”. THEN- we broke up after he made some bad choices and I had to solely rely on my income and fend for ourselves. From then- I have vowed to be independent and never rely on him financially ever again

 

[AmyMay]

Going to go against the grain here. But sometimes we can’t have what we want, when we want it. For a multitude of reasons.

I would normally be in the ‘tell him to jog on’ camp. But in this particular situation I do have some sympathy for him.

Sorry

 

[Amun]

I don't want to be judgy from a few posts but.... He went to the pub every day for 7 years. He feels it's not fair he should take care about his own kids. You pay everything half and half because you had a bad experience with him and you wish to be independent financially. He says you will never go on holiday because of your horse and that you should use your own money (as you keep finances separate) on something he wants, like this holiday home abroad. Horse doesn't sound like the problem here... No you are not unreasonable.

 

[dogatemysalad]

I actually do sympathise with the partners of horse owners. Horses take up an enormous amount of time and money.
Successful relationships, particularly where children are involved, depend on compromise and goodwill.
Have a conversation with your husband and look for a solution that doesn't leave him or you feeling like a victim. Your children are learning about relationships from you two.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

yes I did. He didn’t really want me to get him in the first place but knew this was a life long dream since I was a little girl. He said he didn’t realise how much time it was going to take up.
The money thing- we were always “what’s mine is yours” and everything was “ours”. THEN- we broke up after he made some bad choices and I had to solely rely on my income and fend for ourselves. From then- I have vowed to be independent and never rely on him financially ever again

Ah, right, so was buying the horse a condition of you getting back together? Could it be that he thinks you are still making him pay for his past mistakes?

Is there any way that you can adjust your horse management so that you are at home more in the evenings?

 

[Carmen6]

Sounds like narcissistic controling behaviour to me (having grown up with this behaviour from parent and sibling). The horse wont be the problem, just a symptom of larger issues.

 

[sarah0307]

Going to go against the grain here. But sometimes we can’t have what we want, when we want it. For a multitude of reasons.

I would normally be in the ‘tell him to jog on’ camp. But in this particular situation I do have some sympathy for him.

Sorry

What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?

 

[sarah0307]

Ah, right, so was buying the horse a condition of you getting back together? Could it be that he thinks you are still making him pay for his past mistakes?

Is there any way that you can adjust your horse management so that you are at home more in the evenings?

No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!

 

[AmyMay]

What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?

I think under the circumstances I wouldn’t have bought one in the first place, and would have looked for a share instead.

But of course, we’re all different. Sadly I don’t think any of us have the answers your looking for.

 

[brighteyes]

Just kill him until he is dead. Enjoy your horse.

 

[PurBee]

No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!

He wants you to mirror him. From his point of view He’s given up 7 yrs of drinking daily with his mates and hasn’t found a hobby outside of family (?), so because he’s given up his ‘hobby’, he wants you to too.
If it was JUST the horse he moaned about i could understand his POV somewhat from a time/money perspective...not necessarily agree - but as youve said he wanted you to give up the gym too....im afraid he wants you to be without a hobby, like him, and focus just on family.

Freedom in relationships make them last....conditions and control crumble them permanently.
When we have family and animals to care for, sometimes we forget ourselves too. So you both should have your hobby/ies, you both should enjoy togetherness with all the kids, you both should have individual focuses aswell as combined focuses.
If there’s just one ‘view/focus’ being ‘allowed’ in this ...thats the root problem, not the horse or kids....

Can you think of a hobby he’s mentioned over the years and encourage him to develop it? If he’s got his ‘own thing’, he might not feel so bothered about yours..?

 

[BatHorse]

What’s your reason for thinking that? What would you do? Get rid of your horse?

I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?

 

[ycbm]

How much time are you actually spending with the horse?
.

 

[Upthecreek]

I’ve been married for a long time to the most amazing man who has supported me and our three children in everything we have wanted to do. Two out of three are horsey, so he takes our son to football training and matches (he loves rugby), whilst I play ponies with the girls. I accommodate his fishing trips. Being in a loving relationship is about compromise, acceptance and doing what you can to make the other person happy without guilt tripping them. Any joy to be found in our ‘hobbies’ is quickly cancelled out by this kind of behaviour.

 

[meleeka]

No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!

This rings alarm bells. I don’t think it’s really about the horse. It’s about you having your own life.
If you can find a small compromise, say full livery for part of the week, would he be ok with that? My guess is he’d find something else to complain about but it could be worth exploring.
I’ve managed to bring up two kids, with a husband who works long hours. We made it work because we respected each other’s right to do things that we enjoyed (he does mountain biking) Being a parent is hard, so time to yourself is even more important I think.

 

[SO1]

Maybe it is jealousy, you are out in the evenings enjoying your horse whilst he feels stuck at home with the kids and he can't go and do what he wants to do which it sounds like is going to the pub with his mates if that is what he did every evening for 7 years.

Maybe he is not enjoying his life and seeing you out enjoying yourself reminds of this. It does not sound like he was enjoying time at home if he was choosing to go to the pub every evening. Tricky as he is partially responsible for the kids but at the same time needs to have some pleasure in his life and maybe the holiday home is something he feels the whole family can enjoy together, whereas the horse is for you and it means he has to spend more time on his own with the kids which he might not enjoy. Could you perhaps look at getting a babysitter or paying your 17 year old to look after the younger children a couple of evenings a week so he can go out with his mates to the pub and you can see your horse.

 

[Goldenstar]

I dont think you will change him so have a long hard think about the rest of your life .

 

[honetpot]

I have been married to my husband for a long time, and when the kids were small I did everything, because he worked long hours and was knackered at the weekends. I also worked and had a horse and later the children had ponies.
He has no interest in animals, and sometimes he thinks they are a tie and can be really quite shitty about them. I pin him down, hard. What is it that makes him unhappy, and how would me not having them make him happier, and why should my happiness be subservient to his? There is usually no answer, because our lifestyle comes as a package, which he likes as a whole and the animals are part of it. My animals keep me sane, give me an interest in life and I have paid for them, when I could have sat at home. I never stop him from doing anything, when he had no hobby I encouraged him to have one.
You have to decide what life you want, he may feel insecure because you can cope without him, you are independent, but really that is what you should want for your partner, and eventually your children. He should really see that you chose to make a family with him, when you could have managed without him, who would want to be with someone because they had to?
You can not make someone else happy, I could not change my husband, and he has had to accept he can not change me. I could not make him take up a hobby, but by the same token he could not make me give up mine. I sort of try and make it as easy as possible for him, but there is a line in the sand. So if you want to make, and 'us' pot of money, or some other joint gesture, but it has to be joint. You should never have to give up something you love to make someone else happy.
The last row we had he brought up 'my sheds', even though his shed is much smarter, and we have spent far more money on them, at my suggestion, and he has no use for, 'my sheds'. Forty years, and we are arguing over sheds, bonkers.

 

[tallyho!]

Who's allowed to go on holidays exactly? We are in the middle of a pandemic.

It's so important as a woman and a mother to be able to have your own outlet. You deserve it! You work, you've brought up 4 children and sadly you've happened to have a 5th. What you do with your money is your prerogative as long as it's not affecting your ability to provide enough for the children you're winning.

If you really must, get the calculator out and divvy it all up 50/50 with him if that's the justification he needs. Don't forget to add in what it cost you to go it alone while he flounced off like some sort of primadonna toddler. Tot up the pub spend aswell. This is the reality of a negotiative relationship. Work out if there's any love there whilst you've got the books out.

The way I see this going unfortunately though is that you either reduce time with the horse somehow or become 100% independent. You may have to pay a babysitter while you see to the horse but oh the weight that will have been lifted will be blissful...

 

[asmp]

Not much to add as, like someone posted above, my horse keeps me sane, especially in this horrible year.

Instead of full livery, would it be possible to do part livery a few nights a week, perhaps even paying a fellow livery to do it? I agree that you shouldn’t have to do this but again, I realise that horses do take up a lot of time.

 

[teddypops]

You are definitely not being unreasonable, your husband is. I would have to set him straight once and for all. This sounds like it’s more about control than the horse. From what you have said, you have everything sorted moneywise and kid wise, so really your husband should be happy for you that you have a hobby which you enjoy. We are long past the times of a wife obeying her husband.

 

[ycbm]

I don't think any of us know whether you are being unreasonable or not until you tell us how much time you are actually spending with the horse.
.