I can cope for 364 days of the year

benson21

benson21

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 December 2009
Messages
2,861
Visit site
Why is it I am fine for 364 days of the year, but the anniversary of my accident, and I fall apart!! Its 4 years ago today, and I feel tearful, upset, angry...the list goes on. FFS, I am getting so cross with myself!!
 
Sounds entirely reasonable to me. Presumably it was a big accident so it will have occupied a big place in your brain. Absolutely reasonable and realistic to feel upset on the anniversary day. The good thing is you know you cope well on the rest of the days of the year so you are definitely getting better and recovering well from it (I bet the first year you were upset more than just one day) so be easy on yourself and see this as a positive factor (it only upsets you once a year). xx
 
Don't be so hard on yourself, I don't remember all the details but I do know you lost horses and were badly hurt yourself. So surely it is normal and natural to feel particularly upset today. You suffered a bereavement as well as injuries, these things always live with us, we just develop mechanisms to cope and for the most part, we do cope. But days with particular memories, be they good or bad ones, are always going to be tough to cope with. Go with how you feel and try not to worry about it, tomorrow you will feel better x
 
Probably because you are strong the rest of the time, everyone has days they cant cope dont feel bad about being upset, its a part of life especailly if something traumatic has happened to you. Have a hug from me it cant be easy x
 
It's not the same day of the week though, can you convince yourself that as the 'day' has gone so has the anniversary, well done for coping the huge majority of the time and 1 in 365 is not something to beat yourself up over.
 
Sounds like pretty normal grief to me. Everyone one I know who has suffered a loss has "triggers" - maybe not the actual anniversary but a related day or situation. I suffered an enormous trauma in my life more than 30 years ago now and it still comes back in spades on the anniversary. It's all very well to say it's not about "that day" but that is the way people are programmed, with our calendars and our celebration days.

I heard a quote many years ago that I've held with me. "Grief never hurts less, it just hurts less often." So, so true. If you've got it down to one day, I think you're doing pretty well and maybe that IS your coping mechanism, to pack it all in one day.

I know it sounds trite but, as someone above said, just go with it. I suspect you will find it's actually less disruptive to just accept the way you are feeling and it's not going to be a very good day. For years I was really careful what I booked on my worst day and was quite honest telling people that I couldn't cope with something on that day, but would another day. After all, if you had a cold you wouldn't have a problem being kind to yourself.

Most of all, don't think you're the only one. I always try to keep this stuff in mind when I have trouble with a customer service person or another driver or any of those trivial annoyances in life - maybe that is their bad day and they just don't have brain space to deal with me and my petty problems.

Easier said than done but try not to stress yourself out about being stressed.
 
Tarrsteps has put it perfectly.
I think it is wonderful progress that you have put it all to one side apart from the anniversary day. I have done the same, with a similar event. I believe I don't want to forget it entirely - so much learning and self development came about from dealing with that trauma.
x
 
do not get cross with your-self- your reaction is completely normal and you need to except it. be upset, be angry, cry, scream... only 1 day out of 365 is pretty impressive really.
 
I suppose I think I should be over it by now. But all the pain killers are just a constant reminder. I think about things that I should of had by now, like foster children, but we are having to start all over again with that, which I am finding frustrating.
 
TarrSteps said:
Sounds like pretty normal grief to me. Everyone one I know who has suffered a loss has "triggers" - maybe not the actual anniversary but a related day or situation. I suffered an enormous trauma in my life more than 30 years ago now and it still comes back in spades on the anniversary. It's all very well to say it's not about "that day" but that is the way people are programmed, with our calendars and our celebration days.

I heard a quote many years ago that I've held with me. "Grief never hurts less, it just hurts less often." So, so true. If you've got it down to one day, I think you're doing pretty well and maybe that IS your coping mechanism, to pack it all in one day.

I know it sounds trite but, as someone above said, just go with it. I suspect you will find it's actually less disruptive to just accept the way you are feeling and it's not going to be a very good day. For years I was really careful what I booked on my worst day and was quite honest telling people that I couldn't cope with something on that day, but would another day. After all, if you had a cold you wouldn't have a problem being kind to yourself.

Most of all, don't think you're the only one. I always try to keep this stuff in mind when I have trouble with a customer service person or another driver or any of those trivial annoyances in life - maybe that is their bad day and they just don't have brain space to deal with me and my petty problems.

Easier said than done but try not to stress yourself out about being stressed.
Click to expand...

Superb post Tarrsteps.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself today, just get through it the best way possible. Hugs and kind wishes sent your way x
 
It happens because you need it to happen...luckily for you it only comes once a year but the best thing you can do is let it happen, kind of embrace it if you can. Tarrsteps post is, as always, fantastic.

Try and look on it positively if you can. It is positive in the sense that this one day frees you up for the rest of the year and it is positive in that you always know when it is going to happen. That means you can always make sure you give yourself the day to feel this way, knowing that you will wake up better the next morning.

One year, the day will come and you be half way through it when you suddenly realise you haven't felt anything at all. That will be the day you are free of it, but for now, you obviously still have the emotion to work through.

Big hugs xxx
 
Tarrsteps put it perfectly.

Four years is a very small percentage of your life. You've done incredibly well getting healthy again, facing up to your physical pain, letting another horse into your life and mastering driving in such a short space of time. Don't beat yourself up for still grieving once a year.

Rest in peace Benson.

ETS Please don't read that as patronising, it's not meant that way but without tone of voice it looks a bit condicending. Sorry about that.

Hugs
 
I think it's normal to feel so strongly. It's only four years and that's just the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Life is marked by the big events that happen to us, good or bad. They're what defines the time, but they don't need to define you or your life. Push through, it's one day and you can spend the time focusing on the accident then back to the humdrum next day. Use some moments to reflect on the good parts, too: you survived and you're getting back on track. You're strong and you are on the up.

I'm heading for a year's anniversary very soon: it's made me think a lot, mostly about how bloody amazing people on here were and still are. :smile3:
 
It was a horrid thing to go through. I can't say it any better than the posters above but you've done so well.

Be kind to yourself xx

And another RIP for Benson.
I still cry on the anniversary of the death of my horse, or when I go to his grave, and that's been 4 years too. Not as traumatic as what happened to you though, obviously.
TarrSteps is right; it doesn't stop hurting, but it hurts less often, and you get better at dealing with it.
 
Last edited:
I don't post on here that often but I do remember your accident.

Totally understand why you still struggle on the anniversary, I can't even imagine what you went through.

Thinking of you x
 
Hugs Benson - and Tarrsteps.


I too agree that you have done amazingly well to have just that one day that is dreadful. I do hope that over the years it will wane but for now, be kind to yourself and grieve as you need to. x x
 
Thank you everyone!! I got to the yard yesterday and sat in donovans stable with him for a while, he had the most confused look on his face, but then came right up to me and snuggled into mu shoulder, it was like he didnt know why, but he knew his mum needed a cuddle!RIP benson, and charlie.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top