i feel like giving up. please help???

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katieibiza

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hi there as from previous post i explained i have a new 17.2 black gelding had him a month now and previous post was that i am to nervous to ride him well i have been doing alot of lunging and ground work and been walking him round the local riding lanes on foot and he has been really good, but i feel like he hates me when ever i am around him his ears are back and the past few nights when putting him to bed he just wont let me groom him or do his feet i thought with time he would get better and it's getting worse i have got such a good friend where we keep the two horses and i dont know what i'd do without her but i just feel so down and feel like he doesn't like me and were not gaing a bond at all. i still feel petrified of riding him fine with him on the ground not nervous at all but i just dont know what to do a experienced friend of my freind came over rode him and took him out and he was so well behaved even with my friends horse having a moment and the girl said he is such a nice placid horse so i just dont know what i'm doing wrong???
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Erm, not sure a horse can actually hate someone?! Is he actually top bite and or kick you? My horse can be awfully miserable at times and pulls a variety of faces (as many horses do), i would just take it as that, if he's not actually showing aggression i don't think it's anything to worry about, just his personality. The best thing to do is to be firm or just ignore it and do whatever you're supposed to be doing be it grooming him or tacking up etc.

Also remember that a horse putting its ears back can also be a submissive action, my old pony always did it and he was the lowest of the pecking order as is another horse we have now, whenever he comes for feed his ears go back but it is submissive not aggtressive, he doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body.

If your horse is behaving impeccably out hacking and in the school i feel you may be reading too much into him putting his ears back etc.

Also remember (sorry I am going on!) horses pick up on nerves so easily and if he can sense you are nervous in the stable that may be why he is making it difficult for you to groom as he is nervous of you!
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Have you had any lessons on him yet? Perhaps if you could get him somewhere and have a lesson in a safe enclosed area you might feel differently. If you are feeling so scared of him it might be that he is picking up on your negative vibes rather than gaining confidence from you.

2 month isnt that long, however horse ownership should be fun, if you realy dont feel right then perhaps you should consider selling. TBH I wouldnt even consider a 17.2, I am scared of heights!

I am so sorry that things are not going so well - sending out positive thoughts to you both.
 
I had an anglo-arab that I didn't click with straight away. Looking back, I kept comparing him to my old jumping pony who we had to retire due to leg problems & I didn't really give Fox a fair chance. Fox would do things like squash me in to walls while I was riding him (deliberately) and tried to put me over a clifff on the hill a couple of times too. One day I lost my rag with him completely. I can't remember what caused it now but I got to the point where I thought 'sod this' and really put fox in his place, rode him hard, insisted he just get on and do everything I wanted him to do. After that day, we suddenly bonded and had the most amazing relationship. Fox is now 22 and I have owned him for 16 years. I can honestly say he is the best horse I have ever ridden.

Don't give up, it can take months to really bond with a new horse, especially if you are nervous. Why don't you get a sympathetic instructor who can assess you & your horse & help you make a decision with regards to the best way forwards?
 
Hi,my mare,when i first had her,was a complete b*tch in the stable also when grooming etc,i found that by ignoring the behaviour woked the best,but you have to be confident around him,just try to get on with whatever your doing,be it tacking up,rugging,grooming.
It took a while but she soon realised that her face pulling,threatening to bite etc didnt get rid of me.
I think she must have been mistreated in the past.
Why are you scared to ride him? One month isnt long at all,I would give him more time.
 
If it's any help my first pony was a nightmare and we didnt bond at all. I kept him for nearly 8 months until he attacked my son for no reason so I sold him and the person I sold him to loves him to bits and he is fine with her. I then got another pony who is fab and gave me back my confidence. I think only you can know how you feel and if you are genuinely scared all the time and its not improving its time to think about getting rid.
 
i am not nervous around him on the ground at all not one little bit he is not aggressive doesn't go to bite me or kick just has his ears back and looks at me as if to say go away! when i go to wash his back hooves off with water and brush he brings his foot up and keeps doing it?? i am only nervous at the thought of riding him nothing has happened to make me loose my confidence but i have had a five year break he does nothing naughty or nasty just sometimes wonder why i bother when he always seems in a arse with me there is no where local where i know of that i can have lessons on him and my friend is so helpful and is the best but like i say not nervous at all only when riding him? couldn't sell him as got him from a local re homing centre where i had to give £600 for him so if i sent him back i wouldn't be able to afford another i know a month isn't very long but just had a really bad week with him.
 
some horses are just like this!! My oldie is horrible to be with on the ground, just evil! miserable and definately not cuddly! - sooner eat you, BUT once on board, he is the happiest content horse around!! Ifyou think its his size scaring you I would personally get something smaller.

Not all horses are cuddly or even remotely interested in us!!
 
My mare is a "face maker" when she first came to me i was slightly wary of it.. but tbh she hasnt done anything.. I keep telling myself that its her way of showing she loves me. It can be fairly intimidating to the onlooker but once you get to know her you realise thats just Betty. I totally ignore the faces now.. lol sometimes make them back at her..as i say its her way of showing me affection..
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the lifting of the back legs is not usually a threatening move to you, more a dislike of the sensation of water running down their legs. My TB has a true waterphobia and originally would kick out - not at me at all but at the water. I find chattering away to him while I'm doing it helps to a) remind him I'm there and b) gives him something else to think about.

have you ridden him at all since you've got him? If you can get on him for a little walk around the field just to start with it will improve your bond with him immensely. It means you'll have achieved something together and be able to praise and reward him for working which will give him more respect for you too.

Don't give up, it can be very scary at first but you'll get through it and be proud of how much you've learned.
 
There are bound to be local freelance instructors who could come to you if you can't take him anywhere to have lessons. Even if you don't have a school most would happily teach you in a suitable field. You don't sound like you actually want to sell him so I'd give it a go before you do anything drastic. I had real trouble with Daisy when I first got her but we worked through it and she's now a real star.
 
Why don't you ask for some help from the rehoming centre where you got him? i'm sure they would be able to offer you some advice.

Did you ride him before you got him? What made you choose this particular horse in the first place?
 
I feel for you going through this...it sounds like he just doesnt like the water on his legs, my first mare didnt like it and would hold her leg up but never attempted anything.
With my first mare (anglo-arab) I totally lost my nerve riding her...she was lovely on the ground but felt like a bomb waiting to go off when I rode..not that she actually 'did' anything but my mind went in to overdrive and I took a shake of the head as enough to get me to dismount and I started taking it personally - she hates me, she doesnt want me near her, she's doing it on purpose. Also she would make faces at me. What I needed was not someone just standing there telling me to get on with it, its fine...but to actually show me. Luckily I went to a yard where the YM really helped me...she had a groom ride my horse...got some work in to her which levelled out her exuberance (she was lively!)...she was lively with them so it wasnt just me...(I know your horse sounds very calm to ride but the emotions are the same once you get nervous)...also it did make me jealous as I wanted to ride her!!
I had lessons with her (started with just 15mins)...out hacking as well as in the school...I also had to spend a lot of time with her as she got injured before my nerve really went and I lived with her for two weeks basically - this meant despite losing my nerve I had bonded with her and adored her. She made faces at me and her nickname was 'Baggage' but thats all it was - faces...it was just how she was.
Whereas my tb mare I have now, when I bought her 11 years ago, would attack any human on the ground but was great to ride!!! She is an ex-racer, badly treated by previous owner and I bought her from the lady who rescued her. So I have had to put up with a lot of aggressive behaviour and teeth and flying legs...and believe me, she meant it but I loved her from her the off...and always felt she was worth the patience and persevering - we were both stubborn I think!...she still has her moments but will always be my girlie and I know would protect me from anything!! I think I wore her down and she puts up with all the hugs and kisses now!!!
Its something that is very hard to overcome on your own...and you soon build it up in to something huge in your mind...little steps at a time = big achievements to you.
I wish you all the best...you will need support. You havent had him long...and bearing in mind I am a sucker for a black horse...give him and yourself a chance.
 
is there any reason why you have such a large horse? are you very tall? Firstly, my horse has had a heck of a life before I bought him, he also ended up in a dealers yard, so he has some quirks and he is very headshy, I have had him now for 3 and a bit months and he is slowly beginning to trust me and bond with me. He still flips out sometimes and breaks the bailer twine he is attached too or runs away in the stable. If you got him from a re-homing centre then i would imagine he has been mistreated at some point and you need to be symapathetic towards him, but at the same time he is a big horse so you mustn't let him take the mick with you. the leg lifting could be somthing very simple, he might firstly be offering you his foot for picking out, he might not like the hose - but then he is more likely to dance around if this is the case, he also might in the pat have been used to someone doing something to him like scratching his leg/foot, or tickling him. Unless he kicks out which I am sure you would have seen by now then I really wouldn't worry. I had one that used to reverse into me and lift his hind leg and dangle it near me - I thought he was going to kick me in the head, but then I realised a friend of mine had been playing with him and scratching his legs in the field and when I wasn't around and that was all he was looking for. Try not to let this scare you off, just go at your own pace with him, you both need time to adjust and he is probably as scared as you are - just remember you are his new mum and they always play their mums up more than others x where abouts are you in suffolk??
 
everyones advise is so dearly appreciated and sparrow thanks xxxxxxx
lochpearl yes i am 5ft 11 tall and weigh 12.half stone
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so needed something that would carry me, i am in kessingland/lowestoft.

i rode him when i went to see him and he was brilliant and have ridden him a few times but just walking and trotting round the paddock nothing big but i just dont feel like im gaining confidence.

i really like him he is a lovely horse just i feel like i'm wasting him
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sorry there are so many people responding so sorry if i havn't replied to your questions and thanks any advice is brilliant from you all.
 
You are not that far from me
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A month is no time at all to get to know a horse - he is still settling in. You are obviously confident on the ground and you were happy to ride him when you went to see him. If your friend has ridden him, why don't you walk out (or cycle) out with her riding him and then you can see how safe he is? Once you feel ready, swap over for a little while. Did you get him from Toft Monks? Why was he at the rehoming centre?
 
Perhaps he is looking to you to be his leader. Just be a bit more of a teacher - do it my way and assume that he will do it and EXPECT him to behave and do things your way, and you will probably find that he does.

Ears back can mean relaxed, (unless he is pinning his ears and lunging at you!)
 
You are more than welcome...if I could flick a switch for you to make it all fall in to place now...I would
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My first mare was a petite 14.3 anglo arab..with legs like match sticks...I still lost my nerve...size didnt come in to it at all. Even my vet at the time told me I should appreciate her energy for life and I knew he was right...so I felt I was a total dud and wasting her...but the support I had and the time I took over it (not rushing or trying to run before I could walk!)...was invaluable..in the end we could even go for a really ploddy hack..every now and again!!!
Do you know what really turned the corner for me (after all my lessons I was still slightly cautious but much happier about hacking out) but we were on a hack with a huge open grass track ideal for her to get excited about(!)...and she actually did do my worst nightmare...she bolted with me...down a massive grass track like a racehorse...I went back to the yard and told my friend/YM 'that was fantastic'!!! She couldnt believe it..but was incredibly relieved after all the tears that there had been! My worst fear had happened and we were fine...still friends...still together...she stopped for me (in the end!)...strangely that was a real turning point for me.
 
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You are not that far from me
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A month is no time at all to get to know a horse - he is still settling in. You are obviously confident on the ground and you were happy to ride him when you went to see him. If your friend has ridden him, why don't you walk out (or cycle) out with her riding him and then you can see how safe he is? Once you feel ready, swap over for a little while. Did you get him from Toft Monks? Why was he at the rehoming centre?

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hi yeah really gutted actually just got back from the field and my freind went out with her horse and really jelous dont know why i am the way i am??? got him from a bloke up near woodbridge dont know if he is registered re homing centre dont really know his past unfortunatly
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i just feel so useless and really want to ride him but when i do go to do it i turn to jelly
 
When I got my pony that I have now I used to feel physically sick when I rode out on him and it took me a good 6 months before I could ride out without anyone walking beside me. But I was terrified of my other horse on the ground as well as riding him. Just take everything a step at a time xx
 
If it's any consolation, my mare is a miserable old bag to handle (had back done and vet checks), but is lovely to ride and has the personality to cope with a serious illness and with being ridden in all weathers and on some less than ideal surfaces.
I've had a number of horses before but it took me ages to bond with her - the change of circumstances from a very quiet previous home to being on a big yard made her very defensive. She was also so spooky and nappy to start with - just very unsure of herself.
But because she was our dream horse in lots of other ways, I persevered and we have a good relationship now. I used to fret when we were going to shows or for lessons because she was wild when you put travelling boots on her - now I just stick a pair of sport boots on and trust in OH's driving and a well maintained lorry!
There's nothing that can't be overcome if you want to - sounds like your friend is very supportive.
I had a great YM at the time and our trainer adored her - altho he thought her behavior was atrocious! Don't be afraid to lean on other people for a while for confidence, we've all been there with one horse or another.
 
rite just got back from putting him to bed and tonight he was a grumpy git again and when i went to brush mud off his hooves he started backing away from me tonight i really dont know where this has developed from as he was fine with all of this when i first got him not a problem at all it's just recently he's started being a pain????? i really dont know why he has developed this ????
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