I feel so alone at moment with how i feel

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babymare

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A month a go I had my Baby PTS and i really thought the pain was easing. I still miss her so much(those eyes that made worse day good. her soft muzzle snuffling and ticling my face and her shrill excited shriek when she saw me) and i have those quiet sad moments(cant listen to rhianon shine bright like a diamond without quiet tears) but the heart wrenchibg sobs had stopped and i can talk calmly about her without disolving into tears. Untill yesterday. Now i feel like I have gone back to where i was. Breaking down sobbing,. that day that moment when she went has come back as if it was yesterday and i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. .
Im sorry if this sounds like a self pitying post as i know so many have or a facing this but whilst my OH and friends have been so kind they can not begin to understand Baby was my friend and what she meant to me.My daughter who does is in Australia and oh how i wish i could have one of her special hugs. Sorry but i just feel very alone with how i feel at mmoment I guess i just had tp write it down
 
Im sorry for your loss. I lost mine four years ago and its still hard at times, but it will get better slowly. have you made some sort od memorial for her? I planted a tree and having a living thing as a reminder of her helped me. Sorry again, hope you feel better soon.
 
Awww hun (((hugs))))

I totally know how you feel and what you mean, i lost my mare of a lifetime last year, she was my lifeline and my escape, no better therapy than her loving touch :(

I to kept thinking i was over the worst racking sob phase but one thing Eg a song on the radio or a certain thing happening would set me right back again, it has now been a year since she died and things have got easier but at the weekend i was telling someone who didnt know i had lost her and found myself in tears again and at times whne things dont go right with my new one i find myself longing for my mare back and welling up.

its not selfpitying hun its grief, i was the in the same boat everyone was supportive but nobody really understood the pain and loss i was feeling fo my beautiful girl :(

Keep strong hun and take each day at a time it never gets better but it does get eaier to deal with (((((hug))))
 
Grief was once explained to me like this; Its like walking along a road after the rain. You're walking along quite steadily until suddenly, you fall into a deep puddle, then you step out again and carry on until you hit another all-consuming puddle. Gradually, the puddles become less frequent until the path dries out and the sun comes out from behind the clouds.
Coming to terms with loss isn't a smooth walk to acceptance, its a bumpy journey but the wobbly moments become less intense and less frequent.

You need a hug and I wish I was there to give you one. x
 
Sending you a huge (((((((HUG))))))) it does get better i promise, you will have good and bad days, i lost my little man nearly 4 years ago now and even now i feel tears welling up thinking about him, but i can also remember the lots and lots of good times i had with him, and the knowledge i did the right thing at the right time. time is a good healer, and tears are part of that healing, try and remember the wonderful times you had with your horse, and dont be too hard on yourself.

Sadly i've about to go through it all again with my old mare (30 year old) but although i know its going to be one of the most hideous things i have to do i also know it will get easier with time, its the last kindness we can do for them even if its the hardest thing for us to deal with
 
babymare do you have another horse in your life? Because if not, you need one - firstly to hug when the grief comes, secondly to care for to take you out of grieving and thirdly, to pay your lost Baby the greatest compliment of saying "that was great, let's do it again". Don't sit around missing her, get out and find another (not another the same, that won't happen, but another one) who needs you and knows you need them.
Time is the only answer - as others have said - and with time, the grief will go and the good memories take over. Especially if you have another one to create more memories.
 
Oh hunny. It's beyond pants.

Know exactly what you mean. I can spend weeks thinking of the Dizzy one and enjoying the happy memories of her, I've even bought another horse, but then out of no-where I'm in a heap again, sobbing my heart out and thinking I'll never get over losing her.

But, it does get better. I know it does as I have lost other firends over the years and now I can think of them all without breaking down. I still miss them and I still wish there were all here. I can still feel the touch of their fur, remember their scent, and smile at the little ways they had, but I no longer cry. I firmly and absolutely believe I will meet them all again.
 
dogatemysalad said:
Grief was once explained to me like this; Its like walking along a road after the rain. You're walking along quite steadily until suddenly, you fall into a deep puddle, then you step out again and carry on until you hit another all-consuming puddle. Gradually, the puddles become less frequent until the path dries out and the sun comes out from behind the clouds.
Coming to terms with loss isn't a smooth walk to acceptance, its a bumpy journey but the wobbly moments become less intense and less frequent.

You need a hug and I wish I was there to give you one. x
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What a lovely post

Hugs to you OP
 
I think it takes time. I lost my old boy this year in April and last year in June i lost my 9 yr old who i had owned from a foal. I still cry and miss them all the time, i have good days and bad days. I cleaned out my stable and found my old boys rugs with his fur on this week as someone else has his stable now it really upset me.
 
I had my beautifull boy pts on Sunday due to colic. He was 22, fit and well and had never had it before. I am devastated and know exactly how you feel. Just trying to get through one day at a time. I know deep down I made the right decision as I'm sure you know you made the right choice also. Sorry for your loss. Hugs.
 
I intially read replues when on conference call big mistake. had to mute mic and compose self.
But thank you everyone for your kindness and understanding. and think its that . The understanding how they take your heart. How they mean more than just being a pet. how they become your friend. i know baby was my rock i clunge to through such bad times. I have said i wont get another but only time will tell. but i have thought of volunteering for such as RDA or local charity as i know the love and passion i have had for 44 years for the horse will never go. thank you everyone with all my heart for your replies. each and every one of them have helped x x x
 
Don't feel down or concerned about being upset, it is a tribute to your girl, she deserves it.

I always enjoyed a good old cry, it gave me comfort in as much that it meant that my boy still mattered and that he was still there and not forgotten. I even used to worry at the prospect of not getting upset anymore as I didn't want to forget him, I wanted it to hurt, even wrote a song about it.

The emotions are still so very raw at only a month, and the starting to feel fine and then having a sudden relapse all sounds very familiar. I seem to remember having a particularly dark period at around the month to six week stage and it was at that point that I decided to go looking for another horse as I just wasn't me anymore, hardly even recognised my reflection in the mirror if that makes sense.

I lost my boy a year ago this month and I have booked the day off to spend with my new boy, as I know it is all going to come flooding back, I will be a bit disappointed if it doesn't to be honest, Lloyd deserves to be remembered.

Don't be afraid to remember xx
 
You're not alone.
I lost my boy in May 2012 so over a year ago and yet I still cry my heart out from time to time when something gets me thinking about him. Most recently this week when I bumped into his old farrier - managed to contain it until I was out of sight and then cried into my mare's mane. And reading about other's losing their horses can also set me off. My boy was the first close "person" I've lost since my grandparents passed away when I was very young so grief was really a new thing for me as an adult. The analogy to puddles above is perfect.
Big hugs xxxxxx
 
I'm not a fluffy by any stretch of the imagination and running a business like I do where I have a number of old horses who live the rest of their lives here I'm quite used to having horses PTS, and I'm generally okay with it. However I lost a very special little mare of mine back in March and my days are exactly how Dogatemysalad describes. I can be totally fine and going about my life with all the other horses and then for no apparent reason my mare will pop into my head and sadness washes over me. I don't sob or cry but I do well up from time to time for a few minutes. Silly really, but I just take a moment and then my mind helps me think of something we did together that was nice. I enjoy that nice moment ... and then I move on again. It's all you can do until those sad moments become less and less.

I'm sorry OP, it is hard, but time and memories will get you through this.
 
I had my mare of a lifetime pts 10 weeks ago yesterday. I'm very up and down with how I feel. Mostly I'm ok, I miss her desperately but can function and even enjoy things, but then I have the odd day or two where it's all I can do not to break down in tears, and sometimes the wracking, gut wrenching crying catches me. I've stopped talking about it to most people as I get the sense they think I should be over it by now. My husband asks me what's wrong when he catches me crying and I can't say anything, I don't know why he even asks as there's only one thing that is hurting me that much.

I do have another horse, that I got a month after losing my girl. I found that I didn't know who I was without a horse, and didn't want to make myself into someone different. He is as different to her as I could possibly find. Different sex, type, personality and colour. He is very sweet and very much a project as he was backed and hacked out in company before I got him but that's all. In the lead up to losing my girl, and immediately afterwards I was adamant that I didn't want another, but as time went on I found that having so much time on my hands just meant that I was dwelling on things and being in my own head too much. Having the new boy means that I do at least have my usual routine back, very little time to think and he is a happy chap to be around which also helps. I am busy teaching him all the things that my girl taught to me, so that he can be a living tribute to her.

I bought a water fountain in memory of my girl. I'm useless with plants and didn't want to get a tree and have it die, as it would feel like I'd failed her. I have pictures all around the house, the happy ones that I can look at and not get too upset about, had a bracelet made out of her tail, made up a scrap book of all our adventures and sewed the ribbons from our rosettes into a pillow. These things have helped.

I have commissioned a portrait of her, and choosing photos to send to the artist for that has been much more painful that I imagined it would be. That came as a bit of a shock and has left me feeling very low.

You just have to take it each day at a time I think.
 
Thank you everyone for sharing not only your sad sad losses but your feelings. it helps knowing that im not alone in how i feel and that my feelings are normal. Just want to send a hug to you all. x x x x x
 
I feel your pain. I lost my lad last June he was only 8

But I would have given anything to be able to even call never mind hug my teenage daughter or my mom. Both of which I lost a couple of years before

So I guess I am saying if I can get through it. You will too

My daughter was called Emma and she will look after your horse for you like she does all of them

Hugs x
 
soulfull said:
I feel your pain. I lost my lad last June he was only 8

But I would have given anything to be able to even call never mind hug my teenage daughter or my mom. Both of which I lost a couple of years before

So I guess I am saying if I can get through it. You will too

My daughter was called Emma and she will look after your horse for you like she does all of them

Hugs x
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Oh my goodness, that is terrible, my heart breaks for you x
 
Oh soulfull . im so so sorry to read your post. i can not imagine what you have been through losing your daughter and mother. oh dear god it puts it into prespective. And as you rightly say if you can get through that i will of course cope with this. thank you for sharing xxxx
my daughter is called Emma to
hugs to you xxxxxxl
 
ALO said:
I had my beautifull boy pts on Sunday due to colic. He was 22, fit and well and had never had it before. I am devastated and know exactly how you feel. Just trying to get through one day at a time. I know deep down I made the right decision as I'm sure you know you made the right choice also. Sorry for your loss. Hugs.
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I lost my 27yr old boy 8 years ago in very similar circumstances. It's horrible at the time as it's such a shock, but for me, as time passed it was a comfort to know that he didn't really suffer for long. He came galloping up the field into his stable absolutely fine at 8pm on the Monday. I got there to put him out at 7.00am on the Tuesday and found him down in his stable. I phoned the vet and by 8.15am it was all over. He'd eaten all his hay so can't have been in pain for long - a few hours at most and that is a real comfort to me now. The biggest gift he gave me at that time though was not forcing me to make a decision. He could have had months of losing weight or not being sound but he looked after me to the end and went quickly.

OP you're not on your own. 8 years on I'm welling up typing this.
 
dogatemysalad said:
Grief was once explained to me like this; Its like walking along a road after the rain. You're walking along quite steadily until suddenly, you fall into a deep puddle, then you step out again and carry on until you hit another all-consuming puddle. Gradually, the puddles become less frequent until the path dries out and the sun comes out from behind the clouds.
Coming to terms with loss isn't a smooth walk to acceptance, its a bumpy journey but the wobbly moments become less intense and less frequent.

You need a hug and I wish I was there to give you one. x
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What a great way to put it, so true. OP its still very early days and I think sometimes you need to cry and let the emotions and pain out. Have another virtual ((((hug))))), it will get easier, I promise.
 
It is coming up to the first anniversary of losing my old girl, my first and last horse that I had waited for for so many years. At first I was OK because I knew I didn't have to worry about her any more, and that she was safe and everyone said how well I had got over it etc (no, I just got on with it) but I've been pretty bad again in the last few weeks, partly because I have started selling off her things I think. To cap it all I had to have my dear old cat PTS rather suddenly a few weeks ago too so now I am an animal-free zone again. I had forgotten what it was like to go home to an empty silent house. I think grief is like a river trip. Fast and rough at the beginning and you think you will fall in and drown, but then it smoothes out with just the odd bounce over unseen rapids to remind you of what you have lost. The worst thing for me is although I can look at photographs, the trophies and rosettes we won, even videos (those are hard) and handle the pieces of mane and tail that I took, it feels like she never existed. I miss her smell more than anything :(
 
babymare said:
Oh soulfull . im so so sorry to read your post. i can not imagine what you have been through losing your daughter and mother. oh dear god it puts it into prespective. And as you rightly say if you can get through that i will of course cope with this. thank you for sharing xxxx
my daughter is called Emma to
hugs to you xxxxxxl
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Thanks. You take care x
 
Firstly, so sorry for your loss - had to have my perfect pony pts last summer due to navicular/DDFT. What you are going through is totally normal, healthy and will, in time - in the time that you need, become just that bit easier. Didn't want to read & run so here are loads of hugs ((((((((hugs))))))).

Now start looking for the next four legged person that needs your love - they will be waiting out there for you when time is right. Give yourself as much time & tears as You need.

With lots of love from someone who has ben there too often xxx
 
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