I have lost the love of my life

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samlovesprilly

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I don't post often (I am a serial lurker!) but need to get this off my chest as for the moment I don't feel ready to talk to anyone in person.

I returned home from 6 weeks travelling this morning for my family to break the news to me that my first horse, the absolute love of my life and the reason I get up in the morning has been put to sleep
I received a text from my yard owner a week ago saying April was in an accident and got caught in the electric fencing in her field but on getting in touch with the girl who was looking after her I was assured they had the vet out and she was okay.

I have since pieced together that she clearly was not okay and something else had affected her and caused her to collapse in the fencing where she got tangled and spent the night. My yard owner was fantastic and got the vet out immediately, but after getting in touch with my grandfather - my emergency contact -they decided there was nothing else they could do but put her out of her suffering. My family decided not to tell me as there would be nothing I could have done from half way around the world and they wanted me to enjoy my last week away, which I understand and suppose I am great full for.

My darling mare is gone and I honestly cannot take it in - my reason to get up in the morning, my pride and joy, the constant in my life who helped me get through a rough patch of depression and managed to put a smile on my face after even the toughest of days. My beautiful, tough, quirky mare who had a hard exterior and wasn't the easiest to get to know, but had stolen the biggest place in my heart and will remain there for a long time.

I will not pretend that it's all been plain sailing ... My first horse, April tested me and left me in tears more times than I can remember in my first two years of owning her. I came close to giving up many a times and thought my time and effort were wasted on her as there was no 'bond' there. But she put up with my learning curves, my mistakes, my loss of tempers and I carried on with the vision of us being a proper team - the last year has seen that goal achieved a million times over. My little mare has filled my life with complete and utter joy since returning from loan last year. I believe we had both grown up a little and we knew each other so well. We knew what buttons to press (or not press) with each other and there was something special between us. I trusted that mare with my life, and owed her mine for teaching me so much not just about horses but about life in general. I know there was still some way to go in a lot of aspects but I can say for the first time I knew she loved me, which for my proud and stubborn mare was something special.

We are waiting for the autopsy back from the vets but until then we don't know what caused it, whether it was a horrendous accident or whether there was an underlying problem, which the vet thinks there might have been, although she was the picture of health when I left her.

I cannot stop thinking about the what ifs - what if I hadn't left this summer, what if shed been stabled not out that night, what what what? More than anything I cannot forgive myself for not being there when she needed me most at her last minutes, telling her I loved her and how thankful I am for having been able to spend four years of my life with her.

I cannot believe I will never see my beautiful horse again and don't know how to deal with the pain. I dread going back to Brighton as do not know what I will do with my days without her being the core of them.

Just wanted to pay a special farewell to my beloved horse, despite nothing being able to pay light to how incredible she truly was and how much she will be missed by many. Please think of April tonight running free and no longer in pain ... Until we meet again my love.

I want to do something special to remember her but cannot think of anything that has really struck me, or that will pay her a proper tribute
 
Bless you, what a shock :(

I understand your families reason for not telling you :(

I lost my best friend nearly 2 years ago, and even though it gets easier, from time to time I still have a secret cry :(

( hugs))) x
 
Sorry to hear about your loss. When you have such a close bond it is something that never leaves you. In time you find the memories a little less painful and you can really look back on things with a smile.
 
Awww so sorry to hear this. Have a little 'goodbye' (for want of a better word) service for her. I suspect that not being able to say goodbye is making it even worse for you so that may help your grieving. Don't feel guilty for not being there, you cannot live your life like that. There will always be 'what ifs' just don't dwell on them.

RIP April and big hugs to you xx
 
Oh you poor thing, what horrible and tragic news to come back to. Your post brought tears to my eyes, it's crystal clear how much she meant to you and she will have known that. It's natural to have the "what if" feelings, I had them when I lost my horse, but try to put those to the back of your mind as these things just very sadly happen. When I lost my beloved horse I made a little "shrine" to him with a couple of photos, his leather headcollar and his rug - it was only a small corner of my room, but it was a very sudden loss and it really helped me to just go and sit there with some of his things and remember him. I've been meaning to make myself a photo book full of pictures of him and the things we did together, as it's something special to keep and look back on - maybe in time you could do something similar? I know it feels like the end of the world now, but time really is a great healer. Sending massive hugs your way, we're all here if you need us. Rest in peace April xxx
 
im so sorry to here youve lost your horse in such an awful way -but remember how lucky you were she was in your life -most people will never know love like a girl and her horse . if you would be able could you (or someone for you) get a swatch of tail to make something with at a later date when you are up to it ? (((HUGS))))
 
I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful girl. What an awful shock for you. Your post brought tears to my eyes, firstly for how heartbreaking and heartfelt your words are, and secondly, it brought back how I felt when I lost my two boys. You and your lovely girl are in my thoughts. Run free gorgeous girl xx and big (((hugs))) for you xx
 
samlovesprilly said:
I want to do something special to remember her but cannot think of anything that has really struck me, or that will pay her a proper tribute
Click to expand...

But you did do something, you shared a beautiful tribute to her. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't remember who it was on here but they planted an apple tree in honour of their horse, and I thought that was a lovely idea. The hurt won't go away quickly but you've got to give yourself time to grieve. Sending hugs xx
 
What a wonderful tribute to your mare, you showed how wonderful she was and how you will remember her, you were both very lucky to have each other. RIP APril
 
im so sorry for you loss hun.

i lost my one in a life time horse 6 years ago and i still miss her and would do anything to snuggle into her neck and just cry sometimes. But as hippy dippy as this may sound i think shes waiting for me.

im currently pregnant and using hypno birthing and when i go to my "special calm place" she is the only 'person' thats there every time almost as if she knows im going to need her.

i promise im not some mental hippy but your mare will always be with you when you really need her and she will understand that you were not there when you needed her just im sure becky understands that i was not there when she needed me.

take some time hun and cry when you need to the pain will get easier and try and remember the great times you shared together xx
 
My cousin had this on her FB last week because her pointer had to be put to sleep. It's probably been on here before but I think it's lovely!

Just this side of heaven is a place called rainbow bridge...

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here that pet goes to rainbow bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are returned to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and stron again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes where one stops suddenly and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; his eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you clin together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross rainbow bridge together.
 
I cannot thank everyone enough for the time they have taken to reply to this.
It shows how long the memories of our lost four legged friends linger on and how they are never forgotten. I hope April knew I loved her even a fraction of the amount I did and can forgive me for not being there for her, and I do hope she is always close to me to give me her guts and fighting spirit
 
So sorry to hear. I read this recently and thought it was beautiful:


I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep.

I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I put my head against you, nickered and said, "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew.
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll gallop across to greet you, and we'll stand there side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there's so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
 
Your post brought a lump to my throat :( You clearly adored each other, it shines through every word. Im terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my fantastic boy 5 days before last Xmas and it broke my heart :( Massive hugs to you xxxxxxx
 
[QUOTE I want to do something special to remember her but cannot think of anything that has really struck me, or that will pay her a proper tribute[/QUOTE]

So very sorry for your loss RIP April. xx

I know how you feel having lost my special lad earlier this year. I too wanted to pay him tribute soo....I have just had a portrait of him done which takes pride of place on the living room wall. It is so definitely him even down to the look in his eye, it feels like he is home where he belongs. It is simply stunning and goes a long way towards making up for him no longer being close by.
 
Oh hun im so so sorry of what is plain to all the loss of your beautiful loved horse. Grieve and in time you will smile at your memories. big big hugs x x
 
I'm am so sorry for you, your horse knew you loved her and you can take comfort in the fact that you did your best, with, and for her. Time will help your pain heal, nothing can be done but grieve...your story makes me want to go out and give my big dude a hug, I think it makes me realise that our horses, along with everything else is loaned.. that loan expires is anyones guess and something we will all have to face one day . , as much as you love, is as much as you hurt...Love and peace to you, re is light at the end of this, I know, i lost my baby son a long time ago, and I tthought I'd never smile again, but I did. It always hurt, but now and then I see the good things we shared and i treasure them times...one day so will you, I promise. You need closure, as others have said, acknowledge her life, maybe plant a tree as a marker to say, she was here and I loved her very much. Hugs.x
 
I'm sorry sorry for you. I know how bad I felt in losing my boy and it leaves a real ache. So glad you have some good times to cherish. In time, when its less raw, you will one day decide how best to remember her. For now, just give yourself time to grieve.
 
I am so sorry to hear this.

In some ways, you're lucky. Your memory of her is of how she was. Not hurt, broken or dying. I am not saying this makes it any better, this way, your memory is of how it was. They will always find ways to leave us in the most inconvenient times.

Try to not let the What If's take you over, being consumed will not help. Try to keep your chin up, it's clear how much she meant to you, I am so sorry.
 
A picture of my beautiful girl which comes close to summing up what a beautiful soul she was
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The one good thing to come out of this is my first realisation that life is short and unexpected and to make the most of everything. My family and friends have been so incredible supportive and people I haven't spoken to in years have rallied around offering their support and sympathy which has made me realise what an incredible support network I have around me, that I cannot take for granted as I am aware I sometimes did.
I hope everyone realises how precious their horses lives are and please give them all an extra hug on behalf of April today xx
 
Oh bless you! Your words stir such emotion. She was truly a beautiful girl. And yes, it's true, life is short with them and we must make the most of every moment. To this day I still miss my two lads, but they are always with me, as April will be with you. I am so glad you have people around you to support you. Do not be afraid to talk about her. It helped me to be able to talk about my boys. My heart goes out to you at this time, as I, and many of us on here, know exactly what you are going through. I can only offer a crumb of solace, and say it does ease with time, though there will be days when it all floods back. Big (((hugs))) to you. xx
 
I burst into tears reading this. I really feel for you and know what you are going through having lost my mare in March. I, too, keep asking myself what if. We have several tributes to my mare, bracelets made from horse hair, a silver horseshoe on a necklace filled with some of her ash and a crystal urn with her picture, name and dates on it also filled with some of her ash. If the vet still has her body, ask them to cut the tail hair off for you so you can keep it and make some jewellery from it, that way you will always have her close to you.
Time is a great healer but you will never forget her because you loved her and those who live in our hearts, never die.
 
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