I have re worded my advert, how does it sound?

[Shrek-Eventing-SW]

I posted last night about selling my mare and all of you lovely people helped me to say what sticks out badly in her advert. I am about to advertise her and have written this new advert, how does it sound?

*Potential ROR Event or Pony/Riding Club Horse*

16.1hh rising 8, TB mare, snaffle mouthed.
Super safe horse, would be great for a child coming off of ponies or would equally event. Has done pony club, rallies and is great in groups.
Completed countless unaffiliated O.D.E's, but lack of money and time has meant that she has not yet progressed onto BE. Has schooled over BE100 and Novice XC courses, so the talent is there. Fleur is forward going but not strong, works in a lovely outline and has 3 great paces. Would excel at pure dressage and ROR showing classes.
Perfect to hunt, will hunt all day on the buckle and will jump hedges/rails/banks etc.
Great to hack, not at all spooky or silly, stands perfectly to be clipped, loads like a dream. Always catches peoples attention at shows because of her stunning looks.
Eligible for ROR classes.

Does crib, but this does not affect her in any way at all, easily controlled with a collar.

(Have I written too much, I wanted to say as much as I could about how safe and good she is)

Thank you

 

[stencilface]

That sounds good, think you should take out the bit that says 'so the talent is there' just doesn't sound quite right in my head

You have written a fair amount, but I don't think its too waffley (is that a word?)

 

[Mrs_Wishkabibble]

Now that does sound better

Sort of horse I would now view whereas before I would have skimmed passed the advert.
Safe horses are very hard to come by so I think you may have more people calling now.
Good Luck

 

[Shrek-Eventing-SW]

Thank you very much

I forgot to add in my old advert about how brill at hunting she is!!

 

[asbo]

sounds good, fingers crossed

 

[rachyhorsiehib]

Sounds good, very informative!

Good luck!

 

[clairefeekerry1]

sounds good, but i'd also take the 'talent is there' bit out, just doesnt sound quite right!x

 

[Shrek-Eventing-SW]

Have taken the talent bit out now.

 

[HayleyandBob]

Well you have made me want to buy her! She sounds fab!

 

[Weezy]

MUCH better

 

[VictoriaEDT]

oh no I didnt know you were selling her!

She is a lovely horse if anyone is interested

 

[Achinghips]

I'd like to see something in there about her general health and (as exracer and TB) legs/feet?mileage?