I need to break the news

[Shilasdair]

I think that as horse owners we observe our animals over a long period, and can see the deterioration in their health. This gives us the time and space to come to the PTS decision.
For your OH though, he may not have realised the horse is not thriving - so he will need a little time to get his head around the decision, so that he is where you are.
Can you talk it through with him, and give him a week or two to come to terms with it (assuming that's what 'short term' in your post means)?

 

[southerncomfort]

In my experience, men often seem to find it harder to accept when it's time to let our old friend's go.

Can you ask your vet to come for a chat and involve your OH? If he hears it from the vet, maybe he'll find it easier to accept.

I'm so sorry for you. I know what it's like to face the decision alone with little to no support. It makes it all so much more difficult and it's no comfort to know that you're 100% doing the right thing for the horse.

X

 

[mustardsmum]

Your decision is one I fear I will also be facing in the next few years. I don’t know how my OH will be - supportive I hope. But I also understand he doesn’t know the pony as well as I do and for every mad moment of a bit of a gallop he sees, the starting to struggling getting up after a roll is getting more, which he won’t see like I do. He doesn’t see that hind leg resting in a way it didn’t rest before. He’s not horsey, but he’s become quite friendly with my old pony and likes chatting with him and is prob more attached to him than I realise. So I feel he would need to be involved, our pony lives at home and is part of the family. If he doubted my decision I would ask him to speak with the vet, to get some understanding of why. PTS is the hardest thing as owners that we have to do but often it is the kindest as well. Sending love and hugs.

 

[TheOldTrout]

Nothing much to say apart from sending you a hug xx

 

[poiuytrewq]

Thanks everyone.
I think Shils has actually hit the nail on the head with her comment. The horse looks great, only this week I gave him a good groom and thought how well he looks. In the snapshot most people get, he’s standing munching hay or grazing, but after lots of observation he’s not doing well. Im the only person that does that, that just watches them.
Last night, obviously it was on my mind a lot but I wasn’t planning on saying anything but he gave me a natural opening. He told me how someone he knows is on different medication but has to choose which ailment to treat as they don’t mix.
He’s not happy, I knew that bit.
I’ve had the “there’s nothing wrong with him” and all that but not too awful to be fair.
He has blamed the vet a bit, saying she just wants money (!) Go figure that one! I pointed out that she earns more from him alive the next few years than in a one off euthanasia fee so that’s just a bloody stupid comment. This is why him chatting to the vet wouldn’t work!
I think we will have to go through all this again when I make the actual arrangements.

 

[Goldenstar]

It’s a tough situation which I understand well just do want you need to do .

 

[JJS]

I think that, in life and where these kinds of decisions are involved, not everyone will be in agreement with us. We should never vilify someone who feels differently, but it can make the decision much harder.

When it came to making the decision for Six, I had one family member who found it more difficult to let go than the rest of us, but it came from a very good place. The fact he didn’t want to lose him was an act of love in itself, so do bear that in mind when speaking to your OH.

However, as in your case, I feel my family member was seeing what he wanted to. He was looking for the good bits at the exclusion of noticing the rest. A part of me wanted to do the same, but I knew it wasn’t fair.

Regardless, one thing I would never have done was lie to this person, and I’d recommend you don’t follow the advice by some to do this, OP. To me, the fact he cared for and loved Six meant he deserved honesty, at the least. I made it clear I wouldn’t change my mind, but also that I had taken his views into account and thought long and hard about it. He accepted that the overriding decision was mine, and never once made me feel bad once it was done. I’m sure your OH will be the same.

 

[Cragrat]

We had the opposite when our old dog was nearing the end. I, and others, were convinced he was suffering, and needed to be PTS. My OH didn't exactly disagree, but kept putitng it off, saying 'we'll see' and 'he's a bit better today' etc. In the end the poor dog had a series of heart attacks and died. Painful and traumatic for him and upsetting for everyone else.

It is always a tough decision, and you can only do your best with your OH - I liked SpottheRisk's words ‘I’ve made the sad decision to have my lovely boy pts because he is in pain and that’s not fair. I’ve spoken with his previous owner and the vet and hope you understand and support me.’ Emphasise that it's not fair to keep him suffering, and that it is decision based on love, and how much you hate having to do it, but that you are putting your horse's needs befoe your own.

But in the end, as you know, it is your responsibility and your decision, and i admire you for it.

 

[Peglo]

I really feel for you.
I’ve got 2 oldies and BIG decisions to make regarding both this year. the stress and worry for them is really hard on top of the daily care and I don’t have other medical issues on top to worry about.

sending big hugs and hope OH comes to understand your reasonings.

 

[SEL]

This thread is pretty close to home for me right now ? I just keep saying to my OH that the horse is struggling and it isn't fair. I know the responsibility is with us their owners, but I wouldn't want to make that call without at least some support from my OH

 

[poiuytrewq]

This thread is pretty close to home for me right now ? I just keep saying to my OH that the horse is struggling and it isn't fair. I know the responsibility is with us their owners, but I wouldn't want to make that call without at least some support from my OH

It’s tough isn’t it. Hugs to you.

 

[brighteyes]

I should add, the wee pony in my avatar was PTS due to refractory laminitis/Cushings/EMS and when the vet came, my unhorsey and emotionally stoic OH asked the vet was he sure this was the right thing for her now, as backup confirmation really, and cried as she went.

I still grieve for her more than any of them as she was still mobile.

My thoughts are with you at this very sombre time x

 

[ponynutz]

I'm sorry you've had to make this decision but it is the right one. Thinking about you for this tricky situation x
Good luck telling the OH - you've got this!

Edit: Sorry just seen you've told them. Glad it went okay but a shame it didn't go brilliantly. Absolutely feel for you but rest assured nobody knows your horse better than you.

 

[sbloom]

It does seem to be common. How tough for you, doubly tough. Remind him better a week early than a day late. It always holds true.

 

[Horses_Rule]

Absolutely feel for you OP as when I decided last summer to have my heart horse pts because she will forever struggling with the hard ground in the summer I felt cruel carrying on. My dad who is my rock in most things in life made me feel awful and really didn’t help me in the hardest decision I have ever had to make. He didn’t think she was that bad but he didn’t see her everyday but I think for him he just loved her and we had a lot of really great memories with her over the years spending time together. But when the day came he came to my house before I went and gave me a massive hug and allowed me to cry as he knew how heartbroken I was and that was before it had even happened! You’d OH will come around I am sure as he will realise how hard the decision is for you. You are very brave and go with your gut .

 

[fiwen30]

I’m so sorry. I think that, sometimes, it’s better to tell rather than to ask. Of course in an ideal world we would want the support from all of those closest to us, but if that’s not available, then the welfare of the animal still has to come first, as they’re the priority.

I’d lay it out calmly and kindly with OH, explain that this is the decision you’ve made, and tell him what you need in terms of practical and emotional support. If he’s not able to provide that because of his own strong feelings, then that’s ok - but he doesn’t get to leave guilt and burden at your door. He can find an outlet for those feelings which doesn’t include making you feel like the bad guy, and you can look elsewhere for the support you need (like here!), where you will get the reassurance of your decision that he can’t give.

Holding you and your horse in my thoughts.xx

 

[Ratface]

OP, you know that you have your horse's welfare central to your decision to end his current suffering. Your courage will ensure a peaceful end to it.
If your OH is willing to talk to your vet about his own negative feelings, and is able to listen to the response, it might smooth the path of his resistance and allow him to accept the necessary outcome.
Thinking of you at this difficult time.

 

[Tiddlypom]

OP, this isn't the first time that you have posted that your OH has been very resistant to getting animals PTS.

If you think back, how have you previously got him to accept that PTS was the kindest option? Or did he never really accept it?

Wondering if there are ways, based on what has happened before, to bring him round this time.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Thanks everyone.
I think Shils has actually hit the nail on the head with her comment. The horse looks great, only this week I gave him a good groom and thought how well he looks. In the snapshot most people get, he’s standing munching hay or grazing, but after lots of observation he’s not doing well. Im the only person that does that, that just watches them.
Last night, obviously it was on my mind a lot but I wasn’t planning on saying anything but he gave me a natural opening. He told me how someone he knows is on different medication but has to choose which ailment to treat as they don’t mix.
He’s not happy, I knew that bit.
I’ve had the “there’s nothing wrong with him” and all that but not too awful to be fair.
He has blamed the vet a bit, saying she just wants money (!) Go figure that one! I pointed out that she earns more from him alive the next few years than in a one off euthanasia fee so that’s just a bloody stupid comment. This is why him chatting to the vet wouldn’t work!


I think we will have to go through all this again when I make the actual arrangements.

Isn't your OH a farmer? They are usually realists.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I know I didn’t say much on here about Beau when I made the decision to pts, similar situation and I’d been burying my head in the sand but couldn’t allow him to suffer. My OH said nothing, he is not remotely horsey, which in a way was easier for me, it was all down to me.

Good luck with the conversation, if the vet is in agreement that the horse is suffering, I don’t see how your oh can disagree. Mine looked great on the day, but his joints were screwed. ?

 

[poiuytrewq]

Isn't your OH a farmer? They are usually realists.

Yes! It seems crazy doesn’t it. He’s arable though, always has been and didn’t have pets as a kid so I don’t think he’s had to deal with much animal loss. ?‍

 

[splashgirl45]

Sounds like the right choice. I would go ahead a s a p and tell OH vet said it was the only option. So sorry hugs xx

 

[Lucky Snowball]

So sorry you're going through this. Sending hugs to you.

 

[Crazy_cat_lady]

I had this with "the alley cat"

He was more OH cat than mine so I was perhaps able to view his condition with a slightly more objective view

AC never really thrived and last Christmas his eye went cloudy

Tried vet drops but in my heart of hearts I suspected AC had irreversible blindness in that eye

AC tummy also felt like a balloon, I did some googling and came across fip which is pretty much incurable, there are 2 forms but vet didn't think it was as he said he'd be really ill with it

Ac continued to just sort of "exist" with oh voicing whether his eye was maybe troubling

Ac became very lethargic, didn't join in with my other cats play, so he was booked in for the vet

Vet duly suspected fip, which due to his tummy had always been in the back of my mind

Ac had lost weight and suffered from diarrhoea

AC was booked in for either a scan or ultra sound I can't remember, just in case he'd eaten loads of stuffing as he was prone to

My view was as its untreatable bar in the odd case an extensive vet injection programme, if the scan showed fip we let him go as the end phase is NASTY

Oh wasn't sure and as his vat he had to be the one to make the decision, I couldn't put my view onto him

We each did a quality of life questionnaire as suggested on here. He actually scored ac lower and I think this started to change his mind

Also the ac was merely existing, he'd always been so greedy, now he picked at his food

Oh did then reach the decision on his own

Unfortunately the decision was taken from us both as the night before his scan ac peed in an empty box. He'd always made his tray even with the diarrhoea. I thought then hmmmm

We were then woken in the night to ac having explosive diarrhoea in the bedroom, on the floor

I told oh then I think its time, as his dignity had gone. He agreed

Had to shut ac in the kitchen overnight which I felt awful about. Went down, already planning to phone the vet and ac had had more blood filled diarrhoea and was just crouched there.

Vet was called and ac went to sleep that morning. I was so lucky they had an appointment. We were allowed into the room to be with him and I actually said have you done it, he was laid out so lifeless on the table

I'd hoped to spare him from that fate and let him go if it was fip before he reached that stage but the decision was taken out our hands

This was around the time, about a month before, the applawse recall. We'd used those biscuits. I will always wonder if ac was affected and that perhaps hastened his deterioration

Oh had always been "shielded" from the pts decision and the deed would be done before he was told and I wonder if that made him take it worse. As I got older it had always been discussed with me and explained that with animals, at least you can make that decision for them, humans you have to watch suffer

He'll there are certain conditions if I get them I'd want an injection if legal

Having said that, OH was fantastic with my decision to have my horse pts due to various reasons, when several were not in agreement with my decision

Also people on here are fantastic for support

 

[poiuytrewq]

Last night his whole last family came with treats to visit and have photos with him.
He adores attention (and treats) so that was lovely for him.
He’s so well now the steroids have kicked in. I’m glad they saw him like that.
It just makes the next stage a bit harder again.
I’m thinking he can finish this course, then the second the cough starts up, it’s very mild at first but will be an indication that it’s time. Til then he’s going to be spoilt and fed.

 

[Birker2020]

Thinking of you. I found that once I could see the pain they are in and realise there is nothing more to be done acceptance comes a lot easier.
We were able to spend a good week with Bailey once the decision had been made and had some beautiful memories and photos to remember by.

Maybe you will be able to do the same with your OH.

 

[SEL]

Last night his whole last family came with treats to visit and have photos with him.
He adores attention (and treats) so that was lovely for him.
He’s so well now the steroids have kicked in. I’m glad they saw him like that.
It just makes the next stage a bit harder again.
I’m thinking he can finish this course, then the second the cough starts up, it’s very mild at first but will be an indication that it’s time. Til then he’s going to be spoilt and fed.

Spoil him rotten but be non negotiable with your OH about your 'line in the sand' and hopefully he'll accept that this is the kindest route. xx