In a Dilemma

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horseymummy

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Its not very often I make posts but im in a massive dilemma. In october last year I lost my beautiful little chap to colic. I posted this at the time. Its nearly five months but i am stilll really struggling to come to terms with it, to the point I am seriously considering calling it a day. After over 35 years of horse ownership I dont think I want to continue, I feel that i have given it time but things still seem so raw and time is not the great healer that I thought it would be. I have lost several horses in the past - one to lightening strike, one to old age, one to cushing and one to laminitis and whilst they were all very painful, things got easier over time. This time is different, I feel as though the fairytale has ended. I still have three, but I have lost the connection. I still tend to their every need and do everything that I did before but my heart isnt in it and I just dont know what to do. I do think it has something to do with the sudden and tragic way that he died, he had colicked in the afternoon and didn't get any better with the vets intervention, my fabulous vet stayed with me but unfortunatley my pony had a massive and fatal heart attack. Seeing that will haunt me until the day I die, the vet assured me that my pony would have not know much about it but that is no comfort. Has anyone else weathered the storm and come out of the other side? Have I given it enough time? Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.
 
I'm so sorry to hear that you are not enjoying your horses any more. The sudden loss of a horse can be extremely traumatic and premature death such as that of your horse, particularly so. I'm sure that witnesssing a hear attack must increase the trauma.
I, too, have lost young horses to illness, as well as the planned pts of older horses. Recently, my mare had colic, fortunately she responded to treatment and is fine now but we did need 3 vet visits in less than 24 hrs. At the time, I really wasn't sure that I would have another horse, if it came to pts in this case, so I do understand how you feel.
Obviously only you know exactly how you feel at this moment but I wonder if your sense of loss is made worse by the fact that you cannot enjoy your remaining horses fully because of the dreadful weather. It has been a long, hard, wet winter and many of us are really getting to the end of our tethers with it all.
My advice would be to try to hang on until the weather improves and you can put the horses out 24/7, so that your time with them can be more about interaction with them, rather than mud-laden mucking-out. 5 months isn't really that long and the grieving process can be prolonged, depending on the other things which are going on in your life.
I do hope you begin to feel more positive soon.
 
I have never lost a horse, but Pearlsasinger makes sense to me by my way of thinking... Give it a few more weeks, wait until winter truly lifts and pony time becomes fun again instead of a ****-shoveling chore ;) Hugs xxx
 
horseymummy said:
Its not very often I make posts but im in a massive dilemma. In october last year I lost my beautiful little chap to colic. I posted this at the time. Its nearly five months but i am stilll really struggling to come to terms with it, to the point I am seriously considering calling it a day. After over 35 years of horse ownership I dont think I want to continue, I feel that i have given it time but things still seem so raw and time is not the great healer that I thought it would be. I have lost several horses in the past - one to lightening strike, one to old age, one to cushing and one to laminitis and whilst they were all very painful, things got easier over time. This time is different, I feel as though the fairytale has ended. I still have three, but I have lost the connection. I still tend to their every need and do everything that I did before but my heart isnt in it and I just dont know what to do. I do think it has something to do with the sudden and tragic way that he died, he had colicked in the afternoon and didn't get any better with the vets intervention, my fabulous vet stayed with me but unfortunatley my pony had a massive and fatal heart attack. Seeing that will haunt me until the day I die, the vet assured me that my pony would have not know much about it but that is no comfort. Has anyone else weathered the storm and come out of the other side? Have I given it enough time? Your opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

I have lost relatives and several pets through the years, so I have grieved everything from humans to budgerigars, cats, dogs, guinea pigs and hamsters, and my grief has rarely been exactly the same. Usually it has lasted differently long, sometimes it has been like a stab in the heart, sometimes a more calmer acceptance that it was their time to go, sometimes I've been numb, sometimes feeling almost like normal etc.

Personally I still think that all my grieving have been normal, because grieving can vary from time to time, it depends on the circumstances, I've changed, my feelings have been different, the situations have been different...

I see it as a guidance for myself how to handle future losses, but I don't expect it to be the same, so my opinion is that perhaps this time your grief is different, for whatever reason. It could be anything, from you unknowingly wanting to protect yourself from possible grief in the future to the shock from witnessing him die in a heart attack, add the weather, the in average lack of sunshine hours per day (a presumption on my part, since I replied on a post recently that said something like that the evenings have just began becoming brighter), and I hope you take Pearlsasinger's advice and at least wait until the weather gets better.


(((Hugs)))

P.S. It is late, I'm about to go to bed, I haven't spell checked and I just wrote what came up in my head, so I apologise if I've made any spelling mistakes or if I've used my English words in a wonky or upsetting way, they weren't meant that way.
 
Ouch how devestating to see the final act, do you have anyone who could maybe care for youe exsisting horses for a few weeks and give you the space to maybe work out in your head if you really want to give them up? surely that decission needs a clear head full of positive thoughts before you know it's the way you want to go?, to lose 1 in a horrible untimely fasion has got to be better than losing all? But only you can decide that xx
 
Dear OP

Losing your horse so suddenly and traumatically must have been very difficult and painful.
I do feel empathy for you and you have my utmost sympathy for your situation.
It is never easy suddenly losing something/someone you hold very dear and it can create all sorts of feelings that are so hard to deal with.
I've lost four horses over the years and with the first three, although I grieved terribly and loved them all, I simply moved on to the next horse which helped me get over the pain somewhat. However when I lost my last boy to cancer my OH was insisting I get another horse straight away but I simply couldn't face being anywhere near horses and went into meltdown even seeing them on TV. I'd had him 15 years and he was my once in a lifetime horse that I thought I would never be able to replace. Worse still we lived opposite a racecourse at the time so hearing, seeing and smelling them everyday had me in tears most of the time. I decided to wait until I felt ready. It took me more or less about two years or so to come to terms with losing my beloved Gus. I was diagnosed with depression which my GP said was caused by my grief and he recommened I should get another horse to focus on. It wasn't until five years after he died and we moved from Oz to London that I felt I could start again and hope to find my next forever horse. Even then I was still very wary as I was scared any horse I did get would be compared to my last and not live up to my expectations.
Luckily I found my darling Big Boo. Although he will never replace Gus, he is my pride and joy and is now fondly referred to by all as the newest family member and the one thing in my life (apart from my lovely OH) that gives me the motivation to get up each day and is helping me to enjoy my life once again.
I still and will always miss my Gus Bear but having Boo and knowing he needs and relies on me is a comforting feeling.
OP please give yourself plenty of time to grieve. It might take a while but trust me one day you'll be able to let go of your pain and move on and once again enjoy owning and riding horses.
I hope you are OK.
Sending you lots of hugs and hoping you feel better soon.
xxxxxxxxxxx
 
*big hug* that is awful you poor thing, I think if your hearts not in it right now you need to take a break, do you have anyone who could take care of the others for you or maybe loan them out? I took a 3yr break after my last mare died because I she was my dream horse and I couldnt get over it but got myself a young project and took back the shetland 2yrs ago after a miscariage and it was the best thing I ever did! We lost the shetland a few wks ago he was 34 and had him 17yrs but we knew it was coming and I was there, he went so peacefully hes sorley missed but after the long break without horses Its just made me so much more determined to stick at it, now I litterally couldnt live without them! Time wont make ur loss hurt any less but it will make it easier to cope with xx
 
I lost my pony to colic just under three years ago. Very fast, he was fine in the field at 4pm, PTS at 9pm. I held his head in my lap as the vet administered the drugs.

It took me over two years to go near a horse. Avoided the yard where I kept him, avoided the areas we used to ride, avoided watching any horse related sports.

I feel very sorry for you OP not being able to get away, that must really hurt.

What reminded me how much I missed horses was my son wanting to restart riding. I took him for a lesson at a local riding school and it just struck me how much I missed being around horses. Time had done it's job.

5 months is not very long, although it may feel like it is.

The only advice I can give is to try and give yourself a break. Take some time out and give your heart time to heal.
I promise you it will.
 
Only you can make that decision. It is sometimes hard not to dwell on the past and concentrate on the future, but if you are serious about giving away this interest you need to look at your remaining 3 and decide what is best for them.....it is 5 months since you lost your boy to colic....you need to make some major decisions and either move on and enjoy your other ponies or find the best homes you can for them and accept that you are not responsible for them any more, regardless of what happens to them....would it be possible to get someone to keep an eye on them for a few weeks while you step back and think about what you really want to do? Whatever you decide, good luck and all the best.....trying to be cruel to be kind here!!
 
I am so sorry OP, colic is evil, I lost my beloved girl suddenly to it in October '11 and I still miss her, and still feel robbed as it was so sudden. As others have said, when its sudden you have had no time really I feel to say goodbye.

I still have Seren's ashes upstairs. It took a long time, and I still wish she was here with me and Nell, I always wanted her to nanny my next horse . I bought Nell 3 months after as I really hated life without a horse, we had a really rocky start, I missed Seren so much and just wanted my horse back, but now, I am working on my new horse chapter in my life, it has taken a long time.
For me, getting another horse helped me get through it, in the interim I helped my friend with her mare, who was also Seren's best buddy. What works for one does not work for another. The weather has not been so nice and can be a real drain on your energies and positivity I find. Could you cut back on your horses at all? Is this an option? Or perhaps take a break altogether and see how you feel.
Whatever you do, do it for you, and please do not worry about what other people think, try to think long and hard before making any radical changes, perhaps make small changes and see how you feel, maybe sell 1 horse?
It is so hard to suggest what is best, but my heart goes out to you, I feel your pain. Good luck with whatever you decide to do *big hugs*
 
Thanks you all for you replies and kind words, it is much appreciated. After mulling over your comments i have decided to wait until the weather is better before i make any decisions and I think I probably need to give myself a little more time. No one seems shocked that Im still not over it, I had been giving myself a hard time and was sure I should have gotten over it by now. So we will wait and see and I will keep you posted.

Thanks again x
 
So sorry to read how you are feeling, but do be kind to yourself, it is very early days to expect yourself to have recovered, hang on see how you feel when we have some warmer weather, and if you need to give yourself a break from ponies, don't feel guilty, do what is right for you.

After losing our special pony who had given our family many years of pleasure and then had cancer and we lost her, it took me 18 months to decide to fill our stables and field again with some rescue ponies as I felt able to do something practical again.

Sending hugs and hope you can find a way through.
 
So sorry that you have lost your horse like that. I haven't read all the replies but when i read that you don't feel a connection any more i felt i had to respond and tell you about my own recent experience. For various reasons i have had a very stressful 12 months, and i decided to give my horse a couple of months off over the winter as i was exhausted and struggling to cope. A few weeks ago something happened that just seemed to tip the balance and suddenly i realised that i no longer was enjoying my horse, in fact i told my family that i could no longer keep her - the thought of riding or even going to the stables bought on anxiety attacks, i couldn't imagine ever riding again, and if i am honest i could quite easily have sent my lovely kind easy to do mare off to the sales without a second thought. My family and friends knew that this was really out of character and persuaded me not to make a decision for a few months, and to see my doctor who diagnosed depression bought on by stress. Having now reorganised my life and taken tablets prescribed i have started to ride again, and discovered that there is no way i could give it up, i still love my beautiful mare and am looking forward to seeing and riding her each day. Please consider if there is a chance that you may be suffering from depression bought on by the loss of your horse and if so, you could well feel very different if you get some help and give it a little more time. A visit to your doctor could be well worthwhile before you make a hasty decision.
 
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