Is this really stupid of me? [really self indulgent rubbish]

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xspiralx

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I've thought about posting this a lot of times, but I haven't til now because I guess it sounds stupid and self indulgent, but I just felt like saying it anyway.

Its coming up to two years since Taz was put to sleep, and I don't think I've really got over it. I don't think I can get over it because I can't forgive myself for selling him.

For anyone whos not aware of what happened, in short: Taz was a problem horse I bought in 2003. He'd been abused so he had a lot of problems, but we completely clicked. He was my soul mate in a horse, and I loved him so much. I sold him because I'd lost a lot of confidence jumping and I didn't think I was helping him in that respect. He was still difficult but he'd improved a lot. At the time it was the right thing to do and I sold him to an absolutely lovely man who adored him - as a sound healthy horse [passed a 5 stage vetting]. Only a few weeks later he was diagnosed with bad back problems, and then kissing spines. He received various treatment but nothing helped and he was put to sleep less than 6 months after I sold him.

I can't help but look back and regret what I did. I don't know what triggered his back problems but I can't help but feel that if I'd kept him, he would have been okay. I don't know if he would, but I'll never know what caused it so suddenly and all I know is that when I had him, he was never sick or sorry. Thats not to say I blame his new owners, who did their best by him til the end. I think about him almost every day, and wish I'd found a way to keep him. I just miss him SO much, and that sounds ridiculous considering I sold him in the first place, but I really thought it was for the best, and if he'd been okay though I'd still miss him, at least I'd know he was loved and cared for by someone else.

I just don't know if I can ever get over it. When I think about the times we had, knowing I'll never see him again, and that it might be my fault, is like a physical pain. The connection we had was just amazing, he always tried his heart out for me, he made me laugh, he was the kindest horse ever. I'd give anything to go back, and I know I can't.

I'm sorry for this sentimental rubbish, but I really felt like I had to say it and I've warbled to my mum and my OH about it too many times already. If anyone has any advice about how to deal with still feeling like this after two years, please, I'd love to hear it.
 
I don't think there was anything you could have done. I think he showed signs of KS when you had him, and in a post in the vets forum a horse passed a 5 stage vetting but they think it has kissing spines. Its a great shame that nothing could be done, as if it could have been sorted out I think he would have gone far. However, I really really don't think there was anything you could have done, and I wish you didn't think like that. *hugs*
 
There's no way you could've looked into the future and predicted what would happen. I'm sure his life with you was brilliant, and that you did the best thing for the both of you. Grief is a difficult thing to deal with, but you need to accept that you did the best thing you could at that time and stop beating yourself up because it sounds like you were a fantastic owner xxx
 
Thanks hun. I guess you're probably right because he was always a bit funny with his back, but he made so much progress and he always seemed so happy and full of life. I was never able to see him near the end, and its so hard to believe he could have gone from such a healthy happy horse to one in so much pain the only solution is to PTS. I guess I've never had closure on the issue, and thats why its so hard to move on.
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I don't think there was anything you could have done. I think he showed signs of KS when you had him, and in a post in the vets forum a horse passed a 5 stage vetting but they think it has kissing spines. Its a great shame that nothing could be done, as if it could have been sorted out I think he would have gone far. However, I really really don't think there was anything you could have done, and I wish you didn't think like that. *hugs*

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Ditto all of that S... (((((((hugs)))))))
 
Thank you everyone, it means a lot. I know it seems silly because he was just a horse, but he was really really special to me, more than any other horse I've had.
 
I can appreciate how you feel as I went through a very similar thing with my boy although I still had him when he had to be PTS.
It's only been just over a year, but I think there will always be a part of me that will think "what if" - i think to a certain extent it's only human to do so!
Don't be so hard on yourself though, as it certainly wasn't your fault and the reality of it there was nothing you could have done even if you hadn't of sold him.
Big hugs, and hopefully over time it will hurt less.
 
I'm really confused .... and I only ask as a friend has a horse with kissing spine and she is told she has to ride her every single day? I don't think PTS has ever come into it? Was there more to it? It's dreadfully sad and sorry to ask just confused as I didn't realise it was a fatal diagnosis in such cases. Kindest wishes to you.
 
This post had made me so sad as I've been there Spiral... I put my horse out on loan when I was in my final year of uni. After about 6 months she got grass sickness and was put down suddenly. She was also a bit of a rescue case and was a lovely little sweetheart.

I felt so guilty and I always wondered if it could have been prevented if she hadn't gone on loan. Although I never really blamed anyone. I stopped having anything to do with horses for a few years afterwards as I was so cut up.

It's now 5 years later and I can promise you that it does get easier, just give it time.
PM if you need to talk xx
 
I don't really know to be honest, as he was fine when I had him. I say fine, he always was a little weird with his back - he couldn't canter for ages and ages because he used to throw his head up and completely tense through his back and constantly change legs, however once I got him to relax he was fine, and seemed perfectly happy - I always put it down to his prior abuse. He certainly never seemed to me [or to anyone I talked to] to be actually in pain or anything.

As far as I know, when I sold him, these problems became worse and then he was diagnosed with kissing spines. They tried all sorts of therapy and cortisone injections etc and apparently he got worse and worse and he was in too much pain so he had to be pts. I'm afraid I really don't know why it happened and why it got worse in his case, but I really hope your friends horse is okay.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that April
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. Its so hard to deal with, particularly if you're left with what ifs.

Thanks for the offer, might PM you in a bit
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Thanks B_G - I know how hard it was for you when you lost Sid. Its so much worse when they seem to be perfectly happy and healthy isn't it?
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That is so sad. Her horse seems fine, just a lot of riding! We had one of our horses pts last year and it was the saddest weekend he was 27 and had cushings and his little feet were so painful, we had tried everything and it was totally the last resort. We had had him forever and miss him dreadfully even now. It took our 2 other horses a while to get over it to. It gets easier but you never really get over it. IMO. xx
 
Not stupid at all. I went through the same emotions after losing Higgs to grass sickness. What if I hadn't taken him up the road the day before and let him munch on the grass verge - was that what caused it? Was it caused by stress? Was it my fault as he only used to have about 2hours turnout a day before I bought him? The what ifs went on forever and it cut me up.
However looking at some photos he had been losing some weight for a while, we just thought it was coming out of winter (had him PTS 8.5.05.) that has caused the weight loss
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why didn't I pick up the weight loss earlier and call the vets? Every scenario I came up with I blamed myself
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But what you need to remember is you can not change the past but you can change the future. You won't achieve anything by dwelling on the what ifs. You need to try to concentrate on the positives to this, he had a good life whilst with you, well cared for and loved.
Just look at the post Snowflake has just posted with that poor horse and the awful leg that has been PTS. There are lots of horses out there that are uncared for and mistreated.
I cope with losing Higgs by looking on the fact that he had the chance to become a horse who loved his turnout when I had him. He would whinny and race up the field when I whistled him. He would call for me when he heard me get out the car when I parked behind his stable. I loved him and I know he knew I was mum, and not just for food. Try to concentrate on the good things you had with Taz and try to put this guilt behind you.
thinking of you, its not easy.
 
Spiral - you sound a lovely, caring owner. The way I see it, you can't undo what happened but, BUT, BUT out there somewhere is another "difficult" horse waiting for you to find him and make him happy again. That's the way to keep Taz's memory alive...find another horse that needs you as much. He's out there somewhere, probably getting fed up waiting for you to come along...get out there and find him! xxxxx
 
God I so want to. I love improving and helping a horse so much. I can't even really ride at the moment [can't afford it at uni]
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but someday hopefully I can find another horse like him, and this time, I wouldn't ever let him go.
 
I experienced something similar but with arthritis. I couldn't bring myself to ride for a year or two after. It helped me to know that guilt is part of the normal mourning process and eventually you'll be able to move on to the next stage and things will start to get easier. Go easy on yourself ...you were trying to do what was best all round.x
 
I do understand. Just think that the love you had for this horse was so real and thats a good thing. Try and think of how you were together and parcel it up in your head and keep it there. You did what was right, you made plans for his future and your own, there is nothing wrong in that. I know it hurts but thats what makes us "human" and whenever there is a deep love for man or beast the hurt is always deeper. XXXXXXX(hugs)xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Oh S
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It's not a silly post at all. It's almost 2 years since I lost Willum and I still think of him and miss him all the time. I suppose the difference is that I was with him, for his brief illness, and he was put down with his head on my lap - therefore I got to look him in the eye and know with no doubt that he had to go right there and then and that there was nothing else to be done. I was so aware at the time how fortunate I was to have that definite closure over Will's death, and I counted my lucky stars for the goodbye we had. Not many of us are that fortunate when we lose a horse, and it's not surprising you are left with a void. In your scenario all of his treatment and the decision was out of your hands and I'm not surprised that gives you a sense of "helplessness". Of course you're going to have "what if" thoughts - any death prompts that kind of reaction. I would also imagine that because you are missing horsey time while you are at uni then all your fond memories are especially vivid and make you all the more sad, wistful and giving you a sense of "wishing you could go back".

All I can say is try to concentrate on the happier times. You gave Taz the greatest days of his life, and as you yourself say, the most amazing amount of love.

I would also echo what someone else said - its impossible to believe right now, but one day you will meet another equine pal who you can devote yourself to again. There's happy memories to be cherished and happy times to come.

((((big hug))))) H xxxxxx
 
I know how you feel - pretty much EXACTLY the same thing happened to me earlier this year. I sold my Connie X TB in summer last year to a lovely girl who wanted to have fun eventing with him. She loved him to bits and I so pleased to see him go to such a good home. Afterwards she send me loads of texts telling me how thrilled she was with him and how much she was looking forward to getting out eventing in the spring. Then in February I got a letter saying that he'd developed chronic back problems which had deteriorated so quickly that they couldn't ride him and had decided to have him PTS. I was so upset and actually feel quite guilty, he was a difficult horse and looking back I wonder if he was in pain and this was what was causing his behaviour. Perhaps if I'd been more aware he could have achieved so much more. But then he passed a 5 stage vetting so maybe it did develop literally overnight.
I still think about it quite often and it's horrible but you have to try and put it behind you and concentrate on the horses you have now..
 
Could they not have operated on the kissing spines? I only ask as my horse has the same and she was operated on and it was really sucessful.

I feel for you as I can imagine you think you wish you could have done more. Maybe you could, but maybe you couldnt. You need to try and move on from this as its only going to make you feel bad in the long run. At the end of the day, you know you cared and loved the horse to the best of your abilities and Im sure he was very happy with you. He is not suffering now and you should concentrate on the happy memories now.
 
Thank you everyone, it really means a lot.
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I think it would help if I had another horse to concentrate on but thats just not a feasible option at the moment. I can't afford it with uni, and I have no way of travelling to a yard to help exercise either.
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We did have some really special times together, and I guess if anything I have to be thankful. Thankful that I had this wonderful horse in my life, and thankful that I managed to take him from a one way road to the knackers and give him lots of love and happiness - and that he was PTS surrounded by people who really cared about him, not passed on again.

merlotmonster - I don't really know why they couldn't do the operation. I know they tried everything but, and they spent several thousand pounds trying to make him better. However the insurance refused to pay out because they said it was an old injury. I think it was literally a case of running out of money.
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Im sorry to hear that. I would imagine that it probably wasnt possible then. I suppose it depends how bad it was.

Try and keep positive...you did all you could. You will get another horse eventually and no doubt it will be spoilt rotten! Enjoy it then and dont dwell on the sad bits.
 
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