Knowing when it's time to sell

[AABBCC]

I bought my gorgeous mare as a first horse about 18months ago and she has proven to be anything but easy. I'm struggling with the decision of selling her or pushing through... I like her fiery nature really, but my confidence can be fragile...
I've written an ad and just edited together a sales video for her (which is what's magnified these doubts) etc so it's all ready to be posted to advertise her. Plus, there's a horse that my trainer has offered to me for if/when I did sell her, so it'd all be set up to continue full steam ahead...

I'm trying not babble on but basically, she has so much potential and a massive loving heart (all be it buried deep down) and I am struggling with the "what ifs".. what if I just press on with her? Maybe we could make it. But then I think of how long a journey that will be and how much confidence I might loose...
The selfish part of me wants something I can just be out having fun on right now and, since I can be a nervous rider, something that I don't have to worry about too much. But I also see stories of people who have pressed on with their tricky horses and it's been their best decision ever.
I see so much of my personality in this mare and I worry that I'll be giving away something that could be so so special...
As she's my first horse I've never been through this before so I guess what I'm asking is, are these doubts/worries/feelings normal and shouldn't stop me selling her? Please, any reassure or guidance whatsoever would be much appreciated.
(Sorry I rambled congrats if you made it this far!)

 

[eahotson]

I went through something very similar a few years ago and know how you feel.An instructor said to me that 'Out there is the right horse for you and out there is the right home for him'.This proved to be entirely right and the only thing I regret now is that I took so long to make up my mind to sell as,lovely as he was,he was totally wrong for me and he wrecked my confidence.

 

[Pippity]

The selfish part of me wants something I can just be out having fun on right now and, since I can be a nervous rider, something that I don't have to worry about too much.

I don't think that's selfish. I think we all want a horse that we can have fun on.

The thing is, everybody's idea of fun varies. There are plenty of people out there who would find your mare their perfect horse to have fun on.

 

[Sparemare]

Horse ownership is a time consuming expensive hobby. If this mare isn’t the one for you after 18 months it’s right to sell her.

 

[OldieButGoodie]

Life is too short - especially if your confidence is being knocked as this takes a lot of time to rebuild! I was in the same situation, took me ages to make a decision and the guilt was awful but 4 years later I am so glad I did it. I now have a lovely IDx who after a shaky start (due to the confidence issue) is now my partner. Unfortunately I've no idea what happened to the other horse as he was sold on by a dealer but I hope he is making someone very happy.

 

[Louby]

I used to be of the thought 'a horse is for life' and certainly my horse of a lifetime would have been except he was sadly pts aged 15. I then bought a green 5 yr old, Im certainly no expert, but I never doubted my ability or confidence to bring this horse on. He turned out to be a complete ar*e and competely wrecked my confidence. Even with professional help, he spent more time runnig backwards and upwards and I threw the towel in and sold him to a professional male rider at quite a big loss. It was then I decided life was too short and this hobby is just too expensive and time consuming to not enjoy it. Im not saying horses are despensible items but if they arent right then why struggle on when you could be enjoying it. I do think its very hard to buy a perfect horse though, they all have their quirks but youve had your girl a while now so I think deep down you know she isnt the one. Hope it all works out for you x

 

[Tabs]

Same thing happened to me. Only I didn't sell and persevered. It was very tough and I didn't want to give up so I kept going. I was losing my confidence as time went on and as his happened he became more of a handful because he knew I was finding it difficult. It wasn't fun and I sold him long after I should have. He became pretty much out of control and I was a mess. After I sold him i was so relieved that I stepped away from horses for years. I regret not selling him when i realised he wasn't the right match for me. I know this sounds totally ridiculous but even to this day I think to myself that someone else was having a great experience on a horse that was meant for me.

Good luck.

 

[Jellymoon]

I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want to sell her in this situation, she will be happier with someone who is right for her, and don’t pass up on the lovely sounding one your trainer has found for you!
I was in a similar situation some years ago with a horse who was great at Dressage but didn’t get the Jumping. After 4 year and several trainers, I found him an a,azimg home with someone who just does Dressage. He’s her horse of a lifetime, but he wasn’t mine. But I still loved him and it was a very tough decision.
My only advice would be to make sure she goes to the right home so she can stay there for life, as it will make you feel horrible if she gets passed on. Worth taking the time to get the right match, for your peace of mind, even if you have to turn people away.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I was in a similar position during the first year of having my boy. He was also my first horse and was chosen by my parents because he looked pretty and was cheap. I had completely non-horsey parents so you can imagine how well that went!! He was very dominant, stubborn and could be really dangerous at times. We would have a week where he was absoutely amazing and then a week where everything went wrong, both on the ground and when riding, which would shatter my confidence again. I was badly hurt a few times and considered selling him and getting something safer, but could never bear the thought of him with someone else.

The best thing I ever did was to chuck him in the field for a month and have some lessons on other horses so that I could improve my own riding and confidence in order to start fresh. Came back with a much better attitude which rubbed off on him and since I was no longer scared of him, he soon settled down and realised that we could work together. We had a lot of lessons with really good instructors which was really useful. He's now my horse of a lifetime and I feel a connection with him that I've never experienced with either of my other two. We really seem to understand each other and I'd trust him to do anything with.

However, I think perhaps the difference is that I could never really entertain the thought of selling him whereas you've put a lot of thought into it, which shows that deep down you know she's probably not the right one for you. If you would both be happier elsewhere then I think it's the right thing to do to part ways and it's not at all selfish. There will be somebody who's perfect for her and you can concentrate on finding the horse that's perfect for you to enjoy.

 

[Cortez]

Oh how I wish more people would just be sensible and sell on horses which are not right for them instead of struggling on, making themselves and their horses more and more miserable. I understand it is probably more difficult as this is a first horse and you have nothing to compare it to, but please listen to your instructor.

 

[Rowreach]

Oh how I wish more people would just be sensible and sell on horses which are not right for them instead of struggling on, making themselves and their horses more and more miserable. I understand it is probably more difficult as this is a first horse and you have nothing to compare it to, but please listen to your instructor.

This entirely.

I've had my lovely youngster for 18 months and he's come along really well, but as I was flying through the air last week for the third time in as many months, I decided he has to go. Twenty, even ten years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about working through his one issue, but these days no thanks. Someone is coming to look at him this afternoon ....

 

[AFB]

If you're not enjoying her then move on, this is far too expensive a hobby to struggle on with something not suitable.

I was in the same position and my second horse has become my absolute horse of a lifetime.

 

[Bertie_Boo]

When I retired my old boy, I bought a mare that I thought would be suitable for a middle aged happy hacker like me. Sadly it was a disaster and the experience has left my confidence in tatters. I tried to make it work for 18 months but it was just a miserable time and in the end I had to throw in the towel. I found it extremely upsetting having to sell her because I felt like a failure and I had let her down. Now nine months later, I know it was the right decision. I also have a new boy and I'm slowly getting back to the rider I used to be.

Don't feel guilty, life is too short. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ycbm]

This entirely.

I've had my lovely youngster for 18 months and he's come along really well, but as I was flying through the air last week for the third time in as many months, I decided he has to go. Twenty, even ten years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about working through his one issue, but these days no thanks. Someone is coming to look at him this afternoon ....

Good luck with that Rowreach. I've not had a single regret about making exactly the same decision (minus two of your three falls) just before Christmas.

OP if you aren't enjoying riding the horse, sell.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

Horses are too blooming expensive to not enjoy them and there's no shame in deciding a horse isn't right for you. Yes you could continue to struggle on in the hope it all clicks into place, but IMO life's too short for that and confidence is far too fragile.

He wasn't a first horse, but I sold one of mine a few years back as we just weren't right for each other. He was a nappy, opinionated thing, and whilst I wasn't afraid to ride him on when he was having one of his moments it really did suck the joy from riding as everything was a battle. He's ended up in a wonderful home, and I've now got my dream ginger boy who is a genuine pleasure to be around and has helped me rediscover my love of riding so it's worked out for everyone.

Everyone's journey is different, so don't feel like you're failing by selling this horse on. In your shoes I'd have an honest chat with your instructor and get their opinion on your partnership and go from there.

 

[Mrs B]

Another one to say sell and don't feel guilty.

I sold 2 that just weren't right for me within 4 years. The first, bought as a 5 year old, because it became apparent that once he 'found' showjumping, that's all he really wanted to do. Anything he thought 'boring', he stood upright. I realised I couldn't cope with whatever he decided to throw at me when I tried to insist on ding things my way and it was wrecking my confidence.
I certainly wasn't doing him any favours either.

He went on to a wonderful forever yard, which had many competition horses and riders to match. He even won a class at Hickstead and was such a reliable jumper they nicknamed him 'Diesel', because if he was on the lorry, he'd always win at least the money to cover all the fuel for the show!

The next just wasn't a good fit, simply because we had to ride on pretty busy roads and although a lovely boy, he always reminded spooky in anything bigger than car-sized traffic. He went to a great home in rural Norfolk.

Think of it this way: you're probably only going to have a very small number of horses in your lifetime. Make sure it's one that gives you joy to ride, so that as soon as a ride is over, you want to get straight back on again.

 

[Rowreach]

Good luck with that Rowreach. I've not had a single regret about making exactly the same decision (minus two of your three falls) just before Christmas.

Haha yes I was thinking of you as I was lying on the ground assessing my injuries!

 

[ycbm]

Haha yes I was thinking of you as I was lying on the ground assessing my injuries!

You'd have had a job beating the amount of blood that was pouring out of my nose . I had to send my air jacket off for a service with a health warning! Seriously, though, I hope you weren't hurt.

 

[Rowreach]

You'd have had a job beating the amount of blood that was pouring out of my nose . I had to send my air jacket off for a service with a health warning! Seriously, though, I hope you weren't hurt.

Cracked a rib and my children are calling me "Granny" because I am so stiff and crooked. But at least I'm alive and able to make the decision not to do it again

 

[ycbm]

Cracked a rib and my children are calling me "Granny" because I am so stiff and crooked. But at least I'm alive and able to make the decision not to do it again

Ouch, ribs hurt. Good luck with the viewing this afternoon.

 

[Leo Walker]

I bought mine from someone he wasn't right for. She loved him but found him tricky. I absolutely adore him and hes transformed everything about owning horses for me. Hes a really happy horse and we have an incredibly close relationship. Other people comment how hes always watching me and looking for me if I'm not there and how funny he is when he screams hello and gallops over. He doesn't really like people, but he loves me. The things that drove his old owner mad are a minor annoyance for me, totally outweighed by his many, many plus points. There has been a dramatic change in his personality since I've had him as well. If he could talk he would tell you how much he prefers his life now. So there will be someone out there who looks after your horse at least as well as you do, and is actually a better, happier home for them, the same way there will be a horse who is perfect for you and makes your heart sing the way mine does for me

 

[BBP]

My horse has been incredibly challenging but I have persevered. I never doubted that someone else could do a better job with him than me, or that i would find another horse better suited to me, but I did doubt whether, given how small he is, anyone with the skills to bring him around would actually want to take him on, and I loved him, so I kept him. He is the most wonderful horse who I wouldn't swap for the world, and I am a better horsewoman for having him. I have kept him for 10 years now. BUT he still challenges me, there are things that I still can't do that i would have loved to, because I have had to change my ambitions to fit his. There are still days when I cry in frustration because I don't know how to work him through his main issue. I am not a good enough horse person still to know how to 'fix' him. I have often wondered what life with an easy horse would be like. Horses are expensive and confidence is fragile - there will be plenty of brilliant people capable of taking on your lovely horse and getting the most out of her, and plenty of horses who will give you heaps of fun with no stress. Don't feel guilty if you choose to sell, its is probably the correct decision if you want to really enjoy your hobby.

 

[VRIN]

I had my horse for 8 years. He was brilliant in every way but we just came to the point where we were both bored and no longer enjoying it. So after much thought I decided to sell and buy a new one. It was with much trepidation and at times it seemed like I was making the worst decision of my life as he was so good in all ways.

However 4 months on. He has a lovely home with lots of space for daily turn out - something he could never enjoy with me as the land is so wet - a stable and field partner who he adores, a lovely owner and a new and exciting future.

I have a new horse who I love to bits and we are having a great time.

So yes sell and move on. Sometimes its just the right thing to do!

 

[rara007]

About now! About 18 months is my cut off, it’s worked or it hasn’t by then.

 

[wyrdsister]

I've done both. I sold a horse when I was younger because I didn't have the time or brave pants to work on his issues. He went off to a family, has now been at around the pony club circuit 3 times with three daughters and is enjoying his twenties as the mother's hack. Best decision I ever made, for both of us.

Older, wiser, and braver, I took on an almightily difficult two year old filly who on occasion scared the pants off me. I couldn't sell her (vertical rearer, no one would have her!) and ploughed time, effort, money, and affection into her. I lost her at 6 after a major surgery and rehab revealed equally major and untreatable problems elsewhere. Two years later, I still miss her so much I feel sick. She had slowly, slowly, turned into a gorgeous, generous, hilarious partner and I'd hoped to have decades with her. But Diva was never my only horse. I had another to remind me I was capable and to have fun on while she was testing me to my limits. And D's successor, while young, is a bubbly, cheerful and much saner creature. I'm in no rush to take on another such project!

In short, I'm in the sell camp for someone in your shoes. Horses are a hobby for most of us. For youngsters and projects you have to love being on that journey with them. There's nothing wrong with wanting a different kind of path.

 

[Rowreach]

Ouch, ribs hurt. Good luck with the viewing this afternoon.

Well the buyer (who I've known for many years) arrived with a horsebox and cash in his pocket, so my horse is sold. I'm not exactly dancing a jig but I am relieved that a horse I would probably have ended up disliking is going to someone who I know will have a lot of fun with him.

It's also quite nice when a buyer tells you that he knows that any horse that comes from you will have been produced well I can go out on a high

 

[nikkimariet]

We deserve to be happy owners and riders. Horses deserve to be happy horses.

If it's not working, it's not working.

There are people out there who proudly shout they've never sold a horse which I find odd when it's so obvious they don't click with their horse!

I've sold, no regrets. I even gave up riding once, no regrets.

 

[zaminda]

I've never sold a horse but I have been lucky and two of mine were untouched. One of my current lot was scheduled for a bullet as the owners didn't listen when it was clear she didn't get on with the children. They kept going when they should have cut there losses and then just threw in the towel although by this point she was on the dangerous side. In your shoes I would be selling and doing the right thing by both of you.

 

[Ceriann]

I persevered with a mare I bought in 2012 for three years - when I bought her I was confident, having been more of a happy hacker a competent but not a brilliant rider and loved riding. She really did, bit by bit, take that away from me. She just wasnt right for me but I was too stubborn and sentimental to see it. I now have a nice easy but talented little mare who’s done a bit and is lovely enough to show me how. I love riding again - it’s a pleasure being around her and I have to stop myself from dwelling on the time wasted and regrets. It’s a hobby, it’s not way even when your horse is straightforward so unless you enjoy a tricky horse (and many do) find the ne you can enjoy.

 

[wingedhorse]

I bought mine from someone he wasn't right for. She loved him but found him tricky. I absolutely adore him and hes transformed everything about owning horses for me. Hes a really happy horse and we have an incredibly close relationship. Other people comment how hes always watching me and looking for me if I'm not there and how funny he is when he screams hello and gallops over. He doesn't really like people, but he loves me. The things that drove his old owner mad are a minor annoyance for me, totally outweighed by his many, many plus points. There has been a dramatic change in his personality since I've had him as well. If he could talk he would tell you how much he prefers his life now. So there will be someone out there who looks after your horse at least as well as you do, and is actually a better, happier home for them, the same way there will be a horse who is perfect for you and makes your heart sing the way mine does for me

This - I have rehomed two who had better fits in their new home. One became the other person's family horse of a lifetime, recently lost to old age. Other hasn't been gone long, but he is so much happier, and they love him.

You do have to really soul search to find quirky horses the right home, but sometimes it is arrogant to think you are the only person who can provide really good home. An easy trap to fall into. I know once you sell you lose control. But I have found generally my gut instinct on people when buying / selling / loaning pretty good.