livery yard hell...again

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katy322

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hi all, my daughter and myself have been on three diy yards, before moving to full livery. The reason we moved was loss of grazing, other people being plain nasty, swearing at each other and at one yard i caught someone actually hitting my horse over the stable door with a fork! Yard owner refused to do anything about it, so we had to move.
Me and my daughter have been very happy at this new yard for the last 12 months, but i recently persuaded my friend to come with her horse. Everything was fine for the first 3 months but now my friend has started being awkward with us. All three of us used to hack out together, but now she makes prior arrangements with another person and never asks us to go. She even alters her horses turn out times, so my two are in the field when she's going riding. I have known her for 5 years and we have helped her on numerous occasions with her current horse. When she went in hospital and was immobile for 8 weeks, she had 2 horses and I then had 5, all on diy, and me and my daughter looked after them all, and kept them all fit! I have for the last 4 years looked after both her horse(s) and business when she goes on holiday, plus many other times when she has two day meetings in Europe. I supported her when she got her new horse when many other people were putting her down.
Recently she asked me to attend an appointment with her, and we both had to cancel our fortnightly riding lesson to go, I have found out that she booked an extra lesson the following week and told our instructor, (we all have the same one), that I didn't want an extra one (which i would have). She is also telling lies about my daughter to our instructor. I think the only reason is to try and discredit my daughter with the instructor, which thankfully hasn't worked. I don't know why she's acting this way and I just don't know what to do, i really liked my old friend, but this new version isn't so likeable. I've finally found a yard i really like and love being there, now its starting to be uncomfortable, i don't want to move again. What do i do?
 
I'm afraid you sound to me like you cause trouble on yards!! Sorry! May get shot down but it all seems a bit far fetched that your 'friend' suddenly turns on you, and you have had three prior livery yards!
 
Nowt so weird as horsey people.

If things are as "you" say, then just ask her outright what the problem is, if you don't know what's broken you can't fix it.
 
Sorry but it sounds like it's you that's the common denominator in the equation
That's not meant to be nasty but you are a bit clingy perhaps?
Talk to your friend but be honest with yourself
 
I think you should be upfront with her and ask what the problem is to be honest, friends change I know been there. Talk and find out what's going on
 
I always think friendships need to be allowed to "breathe" - i would not take any offence over your friends behaviour, perhaps you have been doing a bit too much together and she simply wants some time to get to know other people on the new yard in her own way. There are lots of factors which come into the choice of hacking partners and most of them may not be personal. I think you need to "lighten up" on the friendship and just accept that there is nothing wrong with your friend wanting to do things by herself or with other people from time to time. Sometimes friendships can just get too intense and need some space!
 
I'd just back off and leave her alone. If you're doing all that and she doesn't appreciate it then just don't do it anymore. Ive always found it best to keep myself to myself...favours breed resentment.
 
maresmaid said:
I always think friendships need to be allowed to "breathe" - i would not take any offence over your friends behaviour, perhaps you have been doing a bit too much together and she simply wants some time to get to know other people on the new yard in her own way. There are lots of factors which come into the choice of hacking partners and most of them may not be personal. I think you need to "lighten up" on the friendship and just accept that there is nothing wrong with your friend wanting to do things by herself or with other people from time to time. Sometimes friendships can just get too intense and need some space!
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This
 
The fact that somebody who was once your friend appears to no longer wish to be your friend does not equal livery yard hell.

Just treat her like any other customer there, make your own arrangements and get on with your lives.
 
Get on with your own life, dont waste anymore time worrying about what she's saying and doing, shes obviously moving on or backing off, depending on your point of view.
If you wanted an extra lesson, book one yourself :confused: dont moan because someone else has booked one, if you need to share, ask around at livery who wants a share ?
As to discrediting your daughter, really think about it, if you still think she is seriously doing this, have a quiet word and ask her why she said what she said.
It sounds like she'll need you before you need her, whether you choose to continue to help her out is then up to you.
If you like where you are, ignore it, suck it up and move on yourself, arrange to ride out with others, your daughter,and make some new friends.
I also agree with guido16's point ....... Let it breath.
 
So somebody who used to hack out with you now doesn't = livery yard hell.....sheeeeeesh get a grip!
Seriously why are you do reliant on this person for hacking & booking lessons? She probably feels a bit stifled by this. Why not just go hacking on your own or with other liveries & book your own lessons....much easier & no 'hell' ;-) to contend with.
Just because you helped this person out in the past does not mean they 'owe' you something, unless you specified at the time I.e I will do your horses whilst you are on holiday if you will only ever hack out with me & will book a lesson for my daughter every time you book one' :D
Come on its not really a livery yard hell is it? Just a couple of friends growing apart & you feeling bitter because you've helped her out in the past.
 
Maybe your friendship has just run it's course...you'll always be friends but you don't have to live in each others pockets.

Enjoy your new yard, make new friends and move on.
 
Moomin1 said:
I'm afraid you sound to me like you cause trouble on yards!! Sorry! May get shot down but it all seems a bit far fetched that your 'friend' suddenly turns on you, and you have had three prior livery yards!
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I think you comment is unfair, you dont know this op, do you ? if someone hit my horse with a fork and yo did nothing about it, id leave as well after having a few words with the perpetrator
Lets face it while there are some good yards, there are loads of rubbish poorly run ones as well, we read about them on here every other day, with loads if bitching and in fighting, op sounds like rather than put up with crap, she moves.
I dont think posting on here about a dwindling friendship is they best move though, if youre not happy with a mate, talk to her about it, tell her how youre feeling left out, then leave it, dont dredge up the 3 yrs a go i looked after all your horses, so you need to be friends for life card, that just breeds resentment.
 
Just speak to her, & be prepared to accept friendships move on. You don't have to continue to live in each others pockets to stay friends tho, maybe she just wants chance to do her own thing. Sorry to be harsh but it does sound more like the kind of thing a teenage girl would fret about than an adult problem.
 
Moomin1 said:
I'm afraid you sound to me like you cause trouble on yards!! Sorry! May get shot down but it all seems a bit far fetched that your 'friend' suddenly turns on you, and you have had three prior livery yards!
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That's a very unkind and judgemental thing to say!

People can be very fickle and turn for no reason and I had a friend who behaved in exactly the same way many years ago. My suggestion would be to have a quiet word with the person and see if you can sort things out.
 
Moomin I went through 3 yards reasonably quickly. Haven't fallen out with anyone at this place yet... But there is only me here ;)

Op it doesn't sound like hell, just crossed wires and you expecting more than your friend realises / is willing to give. Just back off and leave her to it. Perhaps find a new friend :p
 
Same thing happened to me. I learnt from it- don't take someone who's supposed to be your friend.

I decided to move as I got fed up with the lies and general stigma attatched. Her horses were badly mannered aswell and I was to turn them out. They (girl & mum)also left one of their 'friends' to look after them for a week, who didn't have the balls to go into the field and catch them!

Anyway, I'm at a lovely little yard just now and rarely come across them. When I do , they're spouting some made up lies about folk on their past yard!
 
I've finally found a yard i really like and love being there, now its starting to be uncomfortable, i don't want to move again. What do i do?
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Nothing - you stay and just get on with it. Sounds as if your friend wants some independence, and it will good for you too.

I certainly wouldn't move because of a minor falling out - you'd be moving every two mins if you did that (livery yards are a political hotbed of female hormones, gossip and cliques - even the best ones).

There's a real art to being on livery - you just have to go with the flow.
 
On the face of it it sounds like your friend is behaving absolutely terribly! After all you have done for her. However, I have been in a situation with a friend in the past and it all just got too much. She did so much for me but I didn't ask for any of it! In fact she was just so pushy about getting together, going to shows, going out for meals, insisting on coming and helping out when I really didn't want her to, that in the end I felt almost bullied! When she opened a livery yard she insisted I moved to her yard. I kept saying no, and that it would ruin our friendship, but the truth was, I just couldn't face being with her for several hours EVERY day! So I didn't move, but she would keep going on and trying to persuade me. I am not saying you are like that, but sometimes friends can be just too over powering and invade your space. I hate feeling in debt to someone, and because of that, virtually never ask for help from friends or family. Maybe your friend just felt too crowded by you? On the other hand, maybe she just isn't a very nice person, and if that's the case, then you are better off without her.
 
Tbh the title is misleading and I hope your yard owner doesn't read this!

It seems that your feel your friend owes you. Maybe she is fed up with feeling in debt? You helped her out when needed. But that's what friends do. As you are an adult I wouldn't moan because she booked a lesson. You are not being very mature about this. Sorry!

Your friend clearly wants so space, if you valued your friendship why not give it to her?
 
thanks for all your replies much appreciated. I'm not a trouble causer, i've only moved yards 3 times, once for loss of grazing, once for person randomly hitting horses, which wasn't addressed by yard owner and lastly because 40ish man (ex con) was intimidating both me and my daughter and 2 other people, by swearing in our faces and threatening to rape my daughter, yard wouldn't do anything as they were told me they were scared of him and what he would do if they confronted him. I convinced my friend to move cos he had turned his attentions to her and some other people were jealous of her new Oldenburg, so she was getting trouble from them.
 
I feel your pain, I think like me people probably walk all over you? I have mine on a private yard next to my house and I shared with a friend for a year but it turned out to be hell! She would txt me at least 6 times a week and ask me to feed her horse for her because she couldn't get there, because she was in pain! which then meant that I ended up doing all the muck in the field every day! then the one day that I needed her to feed my horse, she got choke and almost died! I never said anything about this to her, but obviously wasn't happy about it!

then she decided to get another horse, so had 2, and didnt consider that it would go to toilet and that he would need feeding etc, again I was left with even more work! still i said nothing, then he started mounting my horse, who is 27 so he had to move fields. I then said about her muck clearing for the other horse and got called some really horrible names, her boyfriend told someone else that i was being selfish because i didnt want to do the muck? seriously, what the hell! selfish, because i dont want to clear up after someone else!! OK!!

well they've gone now and my life is complete bliss! I will never ever, ever want to go back to sharing with other people, esp with a friend, its not worth it! i will never be able to see this person in the same way again!
 
thanks for all your replies much appreciated. I'm not a trouble causer, i've only moved yards 3 times, once for loss of grazing, once for person randomly hitting horses, which wasn't addressed by yard owner and lastly because 40ish man (ex con) was intimidating both me and my 13 year old daughter and 2 other people, by swearing in our faces and threatening to rape my daughter, yard wouldn't do anything as they were told me they were scared of him and what he would do if they confronted him. I convinced my friend to move cos after i moved, he had turned his attentions to her and also some other people were jealous of her new Oldenburg, so she was getting trouble from them too. I am saddened by my friends behaviour, but i think now she only has 1 horse and is on full livery, i am no longer useful to her. I am still babysitting her business for the next 10 days though, as i do every easter.
 
I take it she doesn't need your help with anything horsey atm as she's on full livery now? Well let her take a hike then - find new friends, and stop attempting to do anything with her. Separate your life from hers and enjoy it. Make this the last time you babysit anything for her -horse or business, if she's going to behave like that. It'll be her loss next time she needs help and you're not there to bail her out!
 
More fool you for babysitting her business if you really feel like you do about your friendship either have a conversation and tell her how you feel or stop being such a marta.
 
Tbh the title is misleading and I hope your yard owner doesn't read this!

It seems that your feel your friend owes you. Maybe she is fed up with feeling in debt? You helped her out when needed. But that's what friends do. As you are an adult I wouldn't moan because she booked a lesson. You are not being very mature about this. Sorry!

Your friend clearly wants so space, if you valued your friendship why not give it to her?
 
Friends like that you can well do without, so really you need to just go your own way, don't let other people spoil your enjoyment, you have your horse so go enjoy the company of your horse be your own person sorry, but get a life !:)
 
Sorry was trying to learn to paste from phone!!!

I agree totally with black horse!

I moved to a small livery yard I could live on with my horses when my husband went to Saudi. Was grateful for people being here. How and ever one person thought it her duty to over extend courtesy any way she could. Great that's nice and if I could do anything for her I did. She'd ask why and then say well I'm not like that. Don't expect anything in return.

Anyway it all came to a head one day as I was getting uncomfortable and also feeling this person had decided I couldn't cope with job, 6 horses, and visiting my mare in training. In the winter I used to put my GSD in a clean stable with water and bones to dry off for at most 2 hours. She kept making me feel bad about this. When I came home one day there was a full bucket of water next to the fresh one I put in. I lost it big time! I'd had enough of feeling like a careless owner and told her as much. I lit into her. She lit into me. This is a person who I let go all of the times my intelligence was insulted. At any rate we sorted it. Had to. We both knew where we stood. I do not want to feel indebted to someone who decides I'm not good enough. She has one horse. I always put my animals first but refuse to bring a wet sopping GSD into my clean house. He comes in when clean and dried. There are lots of little things not worth going into but pushy is an understatement. I just agree and move on!

I'm not saying you're like this but you can't hold people in you're debt. She may be feeling very uncomfortable as maybe you have made these feelings known in current yard. As in how much you've done for her.

Just relax and work away on your own and breathe.

Terri
 
She may be feeling very uncomfortable as maybe you have made these feelings known in current yard. As in how much you've done for her.



Terri[/QUOTE]

I have NOT made these feelings known at the yard. No-one knows that I have looked after her horse(s) before, they don't know that I used to have 5 of my own on diy, and I have had to cut down to 2 because my husband has been diagnosed with cancer, which i haven't told anyone at yard. I am a very private person. I don't want it to be awkward at the yard, horses are my sanctuary, just being around them helps soothe me , especially at this point in my life. I have known my friend for 12 years, long before she got horses, I helped her through a messy divorce and to find a hobby which she now loves. I take her and my daughter to dressage competitions, camps and fun days in my lorry. This used to be fun, but since she got her Oldenburg, she has become competitive and doesn't take it well when my 13 year old daughter gets a higher score. My daughters horse is TBX welsh that she broke and trained herself. Travelling home used to be fun when my friend had her cob, cos she knew he had his limits. She keeps saying there was "no point paying all that money on a horse if she can't beat a stupid TB with a kid on board." I think thats why she's been trying to discredit my daughter to our instructor, so the instructor won't teach her anymore and then she can get better. Thing is she won't be able to get to any competitions or camps if I don't take her. She debated wether to spend less on a horse and buy a trailer but then would have to change her car and take trailer test, so decided it was easier if she just kept coming with me, and spent her whole budget on a horse. Thing is now, we can't take all three horses as she gone from a 15.1 to 17.2 and my lorry would be overweight.
As for not looking after her business at such short notice, wouldn't that be just vengeful and mean?
 
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