Livery Yard troubles

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BookWorm

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good evening :)

I'm on a busy yard and there is often some back stabbing/bitching etc so I choose not to socialise with the 'in' group. When I say 'socialise', I mean engage in defamatory conversations about fellow liveries! I'm always friendly & interested to hear about placings at shows etc. & complimentary about their horses as I know how special each horse is to their owner :)

However, I feel quite a few of the 'in croud' never repay the compliment. Never congratulate me on winnings or repay a compliment. I'm not one to show off & don't wish to 'rub others noses in it' if I do well so I generally keep things under my hat. Even things like a new hair cut etc- they never mention it yet I'm always the first to say-'oh, I love your hair' etc ......

Recently we have been doing quite well in terms of training and competing & I'd hate to think I made anyone feel bad or jealous but it's becoming apparent that this might be the case. After some saving, I recently bought a lovely new lorry & my husband bought us a fancy new car & not one person commented on it. I'm not fishing for compliments but it makes me think there might be a touch of the green eyed monster?!

It's making me so paranoid that I am not liked. Outside of the stables- parties/social get togethers etc. they are all so chatty and nice but at the yard I like I'm constantly saying 'well done' 'your horse is lovely' & I never hear it back.

I'm not looking to be validated by others as I know me & my horse have a great partnership but it's not nice to feel that people are jealous. (If that's the case)


Just feeling a bit blue & I'm need of cheering up/slap around the chops!

Thanks for reading :)
 
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Why do you want them to comment on it? Why be thinking they are jealous if they havent commented? Maybe they are just busy getting on with their own stuff?
It wouldnt bother me one bit if people I knew didnt say oh what a nice car, lorry etc......
if they were friends and id worked really yard to achieve something, and they didn't say a little well done when I told them about it- then id feel a bit hurt.
 
If you look for validation from others you will always be disappointed! You know you have done well, achieved what you wanted etc. Why does it matter if others know this or comment on it. We are not defined by our livery yards. Focus on you and don't worry about what everyone else is doing.
 
Honestly wouldn't worry about it. You are ascribing emotions to them and upsetting yourself over something that hasn't happened. Behave as you do because that is correct and well mannered. If someone hasn't been brought up as well as you....well that's not your fault!
 
OP, sounds like your trying to hard.
Just go down the yard and enjoy your horse, stop worrying that they don't like you, they don't pay you compliments or spend all their time telling you that they like your haircut/car/lorry etc just be polite and friendly and crack on doing your own thing.
 
I do understand how it can feel to not be 'accepted' by a group on a yard. You can sometimes feel a bit singled out and if you are naturally that type of person then of course it plays on your mind.

However, you mention at parties and socials they are all nice, so perhaps they are just not the type of horsey people to compliment others. At worst, if they are the type of crowd who are always moaning and bitching about others on the yard, why do their opinions matter anyway!

Hold your head up, be proud of your achievements and horse- so you should be too! :)
 
Sounds like a major whinge to me...... your arrangement should concern you, your horse and the yard owner. So you did well at a show- is that not enough reward in itself, without a load of 'well done's?' from associates/friends?
 
Luci07 said:
Honestly wouldn't worry about it. You are ascribing emotions to them and upsetting yourself over something that hasn't happened. Behave as you do because that is correct and well mannered. If someone hasn't been brought up as well as you....well that's not your fault!
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Absolutely this. : )
 
if they are jealous, then they are jealous. There is nothing you can do about it or change it. If they just aren't bothered, then they aren't bothered. I'd just continue on as you are and spend less energy on them, and concentrate on any nice genuine people in the yard. It does sound like you do need validation from them if it's bothering you enough to write on a forum about it. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if people didn't compliment my horses or my box etc - they could be stressed about their own stuff, they could lie awake at night with money worries and realise they can never afford a box for a while, they could be worried about their health and how it affects their riding. there could be 100 millions things on their mind more important than your box or horses, and none of it is your business. If they were outright rude, then pull them up. But if they just aren't showering you with compliments and praise - then man up and get over it!
 
Not paying compliments does not mean people are jealous. One of my liveries got a gorgeous brand new car the other day. I drive round in a battered old disco. In fact all of my liveries have much better cars than both my husband and I do. I felt really bad when she said 'Do you like my car?' I thought 'Oh no, how thoughtless of me, I've forgotten to compliment her on it!' Of course then I said how lovely it was etc. At no time was I even the slightest bit jealous. I love my battered old disco. I have a beautiful house with beautiful stables and land. What else could I want? I would hate to think that my livery thought I was jealous when I didn't mention her new car. I am just always busy and preoccupied.
 
You know you're doing well, so why do you want other people to tell you so too?

Just because they don't rush to congratulate you on your successes it doesn't mean they are automatically jealous of you.
 
I understand where OP is coming from a little. I like to congratulate people when they do well and I'm always interested in how people get on with training/comps etc, but there are only one or two on our yard who ever bother to ask how i did at a show or what I've have been up to. When I recently got a new lorry, several people told me how lovely it was blah blah, but others never mentioned a thing about it. Frankly, I couldn't care less, I am thrilled with it and that's all that matters isn't it? I did find it a little odd I guess, but it doesn't bother me really, there are far more important things to worry about IMO! I won't stop wishing people well just because they don't reciprocate, it's just who I am, I don't see it as trying too hard, I'm just a kind and thoughtful person (I think so anyway!) I will say this though, in the 40 years I've had horses I've been on several yards and one thing I know for sure is that jealousy, envy and just general meanness, is unfortunately par for the course. It's easy to feel paranoid OP, but just try and focus on your achievements and if you want to be nice to folk you carry on, even if they don't necessarily deserve it. It would be a shame if you tried to change your basic nature just because of a few people. Posts like this just remind me why I prefer animals to the latter!
 
Some people simply cant bring themselves to say these things

We all have those Facebook friends that demand attention but never even so much as 'like' someone elses posts. Same in real life its just not always as immediately apparent
 
I totally understand what you are saying OP, we were at a yard that was very similar. The yard was't really a livery it was a social club where everyone owned a horse but few actually did anything with their horse or even rode. There was a 'Queen Bee' who liked & expected to be at the centre of everything & use dto hold court around the table drinking coffee for hours. It seemed to be frowned upon to spend much time with your horse & away from her.

As for going out & competing, when you returned nothing was mentioned. Wether it was jealousy or something else I don't know but the bitching & orchestrated nastiness by the 'Queen Bee' got to such a point that we thought we've had enugh. We left & went to the yard we are on now. We've been on the yard for 4 years now & it's been great. It's small & everyone is interested in how everone does & the horses always come first.Never be afraid to move on if the yard you're at isn't working out for you.

As for the 'Queen Bee', I heard that she actually convinced herself that she was really important to the running of the yard. She had a big arguement with the YO & was told to leave.........poetic justice I thoughe when I heard. ;)
 
I understand where you are coming from but I would be grateful it didn't go the other way and you were bombarded with lift requests! Get your 'I'm not insured to carry any other horses than my own' excuse ready.
 
TBH you could probably shave your head and I wouldn't notice, I'm always the last to realise someone has gone to the hairdresser. I remember to say good luck to those competing then totally forget that they've gone! I see their posts on FB with their rosettes and congratulate there even though I've walked past them not half an hour ago.
 
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but then I grew up in a family who never really congratulated me about anything so I guess I'm used to it.
 
Honestly what does it matter if they don't congratulate or compliment you? Personally I'm the sort that likes to keep myself to myself at the yard and rarely notices anything that isn't directly linked to my horse. It's definitely not because I'm jealous of anyone and more because I'm incredibly busy and when I'm at the stables my focus is H, no one else.

That said, I'm also not the sort to care what others think. If your horse is going well at the moment, that's fab, enjoy it! Don't worry yourself with what others may or may not think of you.
 
I do understand where you are coming from OP...but it sounds like these are people that like to let everybody know how they have done/what they are doing etc. whereas it sounds like you keep more to yourself. It may be as simple as you congratulate them because you have it made perfectly clear how they have done, but maybe you just make quiet comments about your own achievements so they might hear, but if you're not making a big deal of it, they don't think to either???
 
"What other people think of you, is none of your business!!" - quote from someone wise.

Stop worrying what they might Ora might not be thinking, you can't change that, you are a nice person & are friendly & polite. Keep being the better person, smile & wave, smile & wave!!
 
To be honest OP you are looking to be validated by others or you wouldn't even notice. It's not a good recipe for being happy either, just keep your head down, be polite and smiley and stop worrying about what other people think of you. As Oscar said, it really is none of your business.

I'm adding to this post as I felt it was a tad harsh. It is hurtful when other people don't care, particularly when we make an effort with them. My previous advice still stands, as if they don't want to make an effort with you then you shouldn't be making any effort with them beyond usual politeness.
 
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