Loan dilemma after a couple of setbacks

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lrw0250

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Afternoon all,

Looking for some impartial advice on my awkward situation that has come about after having double bombshells dropped on me this morning. Apologies if this is long, it part rant part plea for ideas! I am expecting some negative posts as my own lack of time has probably been part of the problem but please don't be too harsh!

Background info is that I have had a gorgeous little welsh a mare on loan from the owners of a livery yard a few miles along the road from where I currently keep here at my friends yard about 15 miles away from my home. She was a companion and they wanted someone to spend time giving her a job to do.Had her just over a year now after said friend encouranged me to take her on and offered me a very good deal on grass livery beside her own small ponies on her yard where she lives. Mare has been a rescue in the past and as such is a nervous Nellie at times but very sweet and with work I hoped she would eventually be a lead rein pony for my daughter who is 2 and a half just now.

However, since then my OH has started working a lot more with the better weather and it has meant that due to childcare I only get down the yard a couple of times a week sometimes with daughter in tow, but on a Sunday morning daughter goes to her grannies house for a couple of hour to give me pony time. Cue this morning when MIL announced that her boss at work had handed in notice and as off end of month she would have to work a Sunday mornings to cover.

Go up to yard frantically thinking how to work around it when friend decides to tell me that she has tried her best but cannot deal with having a child visit the yard. She actively hates children but tried for my sake but basically now my wee one is talking more she thinks she should be seen and not heard and does not want to see her at all as she cannot stand her. I can still bring her to yard but she cannot go in friends house and friend will not be in our presence if daughter is there. I am her only "livery" and I don't think I will ever get pony to lead rein stage without the extra pair of hands to help. It's very confusing as only a few weeks ago friend bought me a pink saddlecloth for the pony for when she is eventually ridden!

I am gutted that everything seems to be against me - childcare issue, lack of support from friend/YO and a pony who needs work which I probably wouldn't have taken on if it was not for said friend in the first place! I cannot afford to move pony to a livery yard closer to home due to the cost compared to what i pay now and to be honest would probably not want to due to her anxiousness.

As much as I would love to keep her as I have a good bond with her now and had started doing in hand work with her, I think she is going to have to go back to owners livery yard. My only alternative ideas was to ask if anyone local would like a companion in return for discounted grazing - do you think anyone might be interested in that? Also, am I right to be feeling increasingly angry with my friend as the shock of the conversation wears off?

Thanks and pink party rings for reading x
 
My first thought would be dont panic.

Give it a few days and speak with your friend again, ask her what she would do in your shoes (nicely!)

Is it a possibility for the friend to help you when you go up alone but arrange with her for you to bring your daughter when the friend isnt around

Of course it is your friend's choice not to have children on the yard but her reaction at this stage (knowing full well what your plans were) are a little extreme

It could just be a case of a bad day. Are you sure your inability to get to the yard more often isnt causing a bit of frustration on her part?

To answer your last question yes I am sure there are people about that would like a companion but do not want the hassle of looking after one of their own so all is not lost. Perhaps you could find a local owner with ponies happy to take on an extra one on a livery basis
 
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I would send her back tbh - sounds like you haven't the time for a project pony.
Friend is within her rights to not want to deal with a toddler- they're not for everyone! And can be quite noisy/disruptive/stressful if you are afraid they are going to break things/do things they shouldnt. She sounds happy to have the pony there but not be a child helper.
 
Speak to the owner straight away and let her know what has happened.

They may let you take the pony back to their yard and have her there.

Any changes to livery or grazing etc, you do need to let the owner know and see what they are happy for you to do
(and get it in writing !! )
 
Thank you both for differing view points.

I knew friend before I fell pregnant and knew she was not a child person but since daughter was born up until now she has been fine so I guess it's just come as a bit of a shock, especially as she knew plan was for a kids pony from the beginning and encouraged me.

To be honest it's not so much alone I appreciate her being there but more when daughter is around as an extra pair of eyes and help opening gates with pony and toddler together etc.

If pony was closer to home I would have more time to spend on her as not an hour round trip and could visit after OH home from work so he could either watch daughter or come with us to help but I guess I let Y/O persuade me that wouldn't be problem when I took the pony on as she would be helping which has proven not to be the case.

Going to speak to OH tonight and see what he thinks too.
 
lrw0250 said:
Thank you both for differing view points.

I knew friend before I fell pregnant and knew she was not a child person but since daughter was born up until now she has been fine so I guess it's just come as a bit of a shock, especially as she knew plan was for a kids pony from the beginning and encouraged me.

To be honest it's not so much alone I appreciate her being there but more when daughter is around as an extra pair of eyes and help opening gates with pony and toddler together etc.
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My guess is that friend feels that she is expected to do too much 'child-care' rather than 'pony-care'. She probably didn't realise that small children can be as unpredictable as ponies and that they can't just be plonked in a play-pen and left alone while the adults deal with the pony.
It is unfair of her to encourage you to take on a potential child's pony as a project and yet ask you not to take the child to the yard.

Sorry I have no real answer to your problem but in your position would probably look for an easier pony to loan, nearer to home.
 
Thank you for your reply.

While I get where she is coming from regarding a toddler being on the yard as it is hard work, by also saying she is not welcome in her house at all i feel she is effectively ending our friendship and forcing my hand to cut ties. prior to pony arriving we (daughter and i) would visit for a cup of tea every weekend and I would have done that even after pony had left but cannot do that without a babysitter now as she is not welcome. Apparently daughter talks to much and is disrespectful to her elders by interupting when we talk. She is 2!

On a practical level I am going to speak to ponies owner tonight and explain the situation.
 
I'm going to be the horrible one here and say, quite simply, that the so called friend who won't tolerate your daughters presence is not a friend at all. Dump her. I leave the pony problem for others to advise. Good luck.
 
Brucethegypsycob i completely agree with you!
op your friend does not sound like a friend at all, how rude to say your daughter isn't welcome in her house. I understand some people arent children people but that is ridiculous.
I don't know where in the country you are but around here you would probably be able to find somewhere else to keep the pony.
 
Ok I am probably one of the most "anti-child" (if thats the right word :p ) people you could ever meet. I find children irritating and definitely dont want any of my own. However I do find your friends reaction a bit extreme. Was it said in a cool calm manner or more in the heat of the moment situation?
 
It sounds like a difficult situation. I would say that your friend is being unreasonable as if you took the pony on to be a lead rein pony it is obvious you would be having your daughter about. Also, if she expects your two year old to behave impeccably and respect her elders she is frankly bonkers, you don't need to have kids to know that that is ridiculous. But it is her house and her yard so I guess she makes the rules. Perhaps she has literally never been around kids and didn't know what to expect? I'm sorry to say that I would be looking for somewhere else for the pony and possibly considering giving it back. You can always start again and get her a pony in a couple of years when things are a little easier. Best of luck anyway, hope you can find a happy solution.
 
I can understand that some folk aren't children people, but to be that extreme is just plain odd! I wouldn't classify someone as a "friend" that banished my toddler from there home! Is there anyway you can move pony closer to home?
If your daughter is 2&1/2 now will she not be starting nursery soon? That will free up some time to work with pony alone.
 
She said it all fairly calmly as I groomed pony although she could not look me in the eye. I was too shocked at the time to do anything than mumble a bit and then next door neighbour appeared for a chat.
 
It sounds as though your friend has let things build up perhaps and has snapped? It does sound as though she's done the lion's share of pony checking. Could that have been bugging her? She has been pretty rude about your child though!

Is there any way the pony could go on grass livery somewhere? That sounds like the best solution for your situation. Where pony is looked after by someone else and you can go and play when you want.
 
lrw0250 said:
She said it all fairly calmly as I groomed pony although she could not look me in the eye. I was too shocked at the time to do anything than mumble a bit and then next door neighbour appeared for a chat.
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Hmm I asked because I thought she'd maybe said it while your daughter was there and maybe your "friend" was getting annoyed at something she was doing.
I have to be honest I agree with with the others she doesnt sound like a friend at all. I find kids annoying but I would never treat my friends with so much disrespect and rudeness because I find their child a bit annoying. Kids will be kids and she wont be 2 forever. Honestly she sounds a bit of a nutter.
I think all you can do is give the pony back sadly. Its a shame but you can always get another pony for your daughter when things settle down. Hugs for you anyway :( xx
 
I should perhaps use inverted commas around friend as she has been a good one for a few years now but this has completely changed my opinion of her.

She has had very little experience of children as far as I know which may explain it somewhat.

I work full time and daughter is already at private nursery.

Will keep you all updated once I speak to owner.

Sorry for quick answers, trying to dish up dinner!
 
I have no idea, because I don't know you/your friend or your daughter but could it be that when your daughter does interrupt a conversation, you always break off to speak to her, rather than asking her to wait until you have finished?
Some mums do make a rod for their own back and then find themselves with rather rude children later on. But, yes 2 yr olds certainly have no innate knowledge of when it appropriate to speak.
As I said before, I can't see how she thinks you were going to make a lead-reiner of this pony without a child on the premises.
 
With lack of time and child care issues and the possibility of having a pony your little girl can sit in from time to time. Give up current pony and may be look for a share of a pony you can have fun with and perhaps a yard were there are other kids to. My friend has a yard were they take turns to child mind while the others ride etc. As a non child friendly person my self I feel your friend probably feels terrible for whats been said today but hay its been said and if that's how she feels at least shes been honest? ! Same for the pony in question x
 
I would leave your "friends" yard as there is no future there for a childs pony that will be ridden by a child and contact the ponies owner and explain the situation and then look for an old "been there got the t shirt" pony for your child and somewhee to keep the pony where you can have some relaxed fun.
 
Honey08 it was grass livery in with her own 3 minis who are field ornaments. The only contact she had with pony without me there was when poo picking the field and putting hay out which she would do for the other 3 anyway.
 
No advice to offer, but I hope you find a happy solution. Your friend's reaction is very extreme regarding not being able to stand a 2 year old. I think I would want nothing further to do with her, tbh.

I understand that some people don't like little children and maybe she wants more of your attention than having your daughter around allows, but to be so brutal is very odd.
 
Thanks everyone. At least it would seem I am not being unreasonable in feeling upset. I agree it was probably not an ideal combination of location/pony/toddler in the first place and hold my hands up to falling for the cute wee thing and her x - factor style sob story (her first owner was an infamous breeder from Wales who is currently in prison and she has scars from cigarette burns on her back). Daughter has plenty time for ponies in the future and will probably be better off not being around my so called friend.
 
Sorry you've had such a bad day, I'm sure if you want to keep the pony you'll figure something out :)

Regarding this lady's aversion to children, I really don't see a problem with it, she is perfectly entitled not to want to be around children in her own home. I also do not like children and I wouldn't necessarily want them in my house, except for family or very close friends. But in the same way that if you really want to keep the pony you will find a way, if she really wanted your friendship she would also figure out how to be around you and your daughter or find a tactful way to explain what the problem is, so I would say this person is not your friend at all.

Have a think about what's best for you and your family and don't worry too much about it all, the pony has another home she can go to and I'm sure you have other friends that welcome both you and your daughter into their home.
 
brucethegypsycob said:
I'm going to be the horrible one here and say, quite simply, that the so called friend who won't tolerate your daughters presence is not a friend at all. Dump her. I leave the pony problem for others to advise. Good luck.
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I totally agree, she's no friend of yours!

I have a 2yo (nearly 3) and although she's pretty good, she's hard work! My yard don't like children at the yard, I've always known this but even my yard owner lets me occasionally sneak dd onto the yard to see the horse. She. Will say hello to dd but pretty much pretend she's not there and I'm ok with that.

Your friend is being incredibly unreasonable bearing in mind that I imagine you'd have not got the pony if she'd not suggested it.

I don't have any other advice other than I suggest you reasses your friendship with this person.
 
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That is no friend. However, don't panic. I keep my horses in Fife, it is very 'horsey'. You shouldn't have too much trouble finding a place to keep the pony if that is what you want to do. If you have fb, join the Fife Horse Riders group to enquire about livery, fields etc.
 
If your visiting every weekend with a 2 year old a lot of non children people would get pissed off tbh
 
benz said:
Regarding this lady's aversion to children, I really don't see a problem with it, she is perfectly entitled not to want to be around children in her own home. I also do not like children and I wouldn't necessarily want them in my house, except for family or very close friends.
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Of course you don't, but then you didn't persuade the OP to buy a pony knowing she has a small child and that the pony was for that child.

People are perfectly entitled to not want to like children. They aren't entitled to suddenly turn around, insult someone's child and effectively pressure them into leaving & returning the pony they were instrumental in her getting, it's not fair!
 
I am not a child person but kids around ponies I am much better with! Friend is being a bit ridiculous tbh!

I would give loan pony back and if when she is a bit older and more capable/can follow instruction a bit more ;) there are usually some nice sane and safe oldies who are looking for new little people to take care of rather than the current unknown quantity who sounds like she is going to need a lot of time.
 
I hate children, I have no maternal instinct and move away from yards where children are allowed as I don't want to deal with them in my leisure time.

However! This woman invited you on to her yard with the knowledge that you had a daughter and the knowledge of your intentions for the pony. Her behaviour is out of order and you are better off without that type of person as a friend.

Even I can tolerate children for a few hours a week if I've invited a friend over for a cup of tea. Heck I even took one 6yr old child into the field to pet my horse when her mum (a close friend) was too scared to. It was akward and quite frankly horrifying for me as I don't know what to do or say around kids but for the sake of our friendship I bit my tongue for 5 mins, handed the child some carrots and kept myself between horses hooves and child!
I would say something if the child were constantly screaming or shouting and yes I'd get very annoyed by being interrupted but i would say something along the lines of please could you keep her a bit quieter, stop her interrupting etc!
To ban from the yard entirely is a bit extreme

Id give the pony back and cut contact with this so called friend
 
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