Lonely push over here!

[Sterling92]

Hi Everyone,

I adore my horse and she has been in our family for years (she is 24 now, my mum rescued her when I was 6, I am now 28!), but sometimes I just feel really isolated and lonely for having a horse, I was wondering if anyone had any advice that could make it easier or if other people are in the same boat? This is going to sound like a real pity party post lol but I'm such an anxious person I tend to just get stuck rather than make changes to benefit myself.

My mum is quite nervous about the horse and being on yards due to previous experience when I was younger (we were actually on a lovely yard when I was a kid but it closed down and she put her on loan for 3 years at a competition yard where it wasn't greatly welcoming). Since getting her back after the loan home gave her up due to injury we have kept her out 24/7 on grass livery in fields we rented so it has just been me, mum and the other owners who's horses we pretty much looked after as they were never present. Mum isn't able-bodied (bad arthritis) so I do all the horse care but she does feed and do checks for me when I'm working. We had regular arguments about moving but mum didn't want to as she hates yards and we couldn't really afford to move/I was at uni so relied on mum to help care for the horse so it had to be her choice. Our horse has always had trouble with various ailments so is often out of work and the field location meant i didn't feel I could loan her/share her out though in hindsight I probably could have and should have so i could focus on uni.

Despite having horses we have never been well off, my mum rescued her on a whim when she saw her in a market with her horsey friend in a bad state and is too attached to let her go/worried she would get passed around due to her ailments. I've helped mum to care for her financially since I could work and I stomach most of the bills now.

I'm really grateful to have her, she's family and I just want her to have a good life but I also want a life and just feel im doing it all wrong, I really struggle to balance a life outside of horses with owning a horse.

I am finally in a better financial position now I'm out of university but I really wish I had been able to make the most of having a horse/my 20's rather than struggling to afford her and not being able to do anything as we kept her in a field with poor access to hacking and the only facilities we had were what we built (shelters etc). I look back and I went hunting once, a fun ride once and otherwise just hacked or long periods of her being turned away whilst I was at uni. I just feel like a rubbish owner who wants the best for my horse but doesn't know how to give it.

I don't believe this is anyone but my own fault, my family weren't well off so I accepted what we could afford and felt too scared to move in case mum was right and we gave up a good field for a bad yard. we should have probably rehomed her years ago but she's old now and I can afford her finally (she never wanted for anything, we always found the money!).

Finally, we have moved to a place where she has access to a stable overnight and hacking and the other women on the yard are good fun, but they also have one old horse (they're sisters so share a horse) whos very anxious so they can't do much with him but short hacks where he doesnt wait he just storms along, so I am again left to hack and walk out alone as both horses wind each other up. I don't mind this as me and my mare get on well, we go for in-hand walks when she can't be ridden. I have no transport and can't afford it right now as a new grad.

Even now that I have a relatively good income I still feel stuck as there is only one other horse on the yard who is anxious and riddled with cancer, I'm worried to move my mare in case it affects him. I'm always worried about upsetting others or my anxious mum who gets really panicked about change that I just make no movements.

I also worked a lot and was doing a medical type degree full time, though this is better now I am graduated and no longer working weekends and have free evenings. mum is happy this place is affordable and the girls help us look after our mare but I find myself going twice a day again and lonely/always with my mum. I appreciate the girls helping and my mum but she follows their horse's routine and I can't take her from the field and leave him alone so im limited in what i can do again. To me it just feels like i work to pay for her care, rely on others to help do so, and desperately schedule in time to do things when possible just so I can keep my mum and others happy but i would like her closer to home (shes half hour away) and somewhere I could have horse friends since most of my time is taken up with horse care if I'm not at work.

I want to experience more with horses not just go back and forth for turnout/in. I want to have the facilities to do something with her though now I think I just need to accept shes basically retired and its a bit late. I'd also like a bit of a life outside of horses, I could never afford to travel and any weekend/uni holiday I felt I had to make up for the time I had relied on my mum to check her and give her time off too.

I guess I'm just frustrated at myself for getting stuck and not managing things better, I would have liked to have the friends and facilities to do more with her and also not just feel isolated in my life (i work alone as a mobile medic too so I don't have work colleagues either and broke up with my partner and therefore back living with my parents which probably escalates the feeling of loneliness and failure!!!).

Sorry to rant haha! back to the yard now for turn in! I do love my horse and learnt so much having horses (we also had a shetland pony for 20 years that we lost this year to colic but him out as the post was long enough to make it more complicated...) but I wish i had the common sense to ask for help sooner. I don't know what I'm asking for, I guess I was just ranting and reaching out to other horse people!

Happy new year peeps!

 

[Wishfilly]

I really empathise. This has been a tough year, and it must be even harder as a medical professional. It sounds like you have been through a lot, in terms of breaking up with your partner and losing your shetland, as well as everything else.

Your mare sounds lovely, and given where she came from, it sounds like you have given her an amazing life!

I think, if you'd like her on a busier yard, and you pay for most of her bills, then it's fine to move her. The other horse will be able to find a companion I'm sure, and you can get more out of horse ownership.

Alternatively, I'd consider looking for a retirement type livery set up, where you aren't so tied down, and send her there for a few years. You could then have a bit of a life outside of horses, and maybe save up for your next horse at the same time? Then, when you've been able to travel a bit and enjoy life, you could get a new horse and experience all the things you want to do?

I am a total people pleaser too, so I do get not wanting to upset others, but honestly, it is fine to make choices for your own benefit!

 

[Sterling92]

I really empathise. This has been a tough year, and it must be even harder as a medical professional. It sounds like you have been through a lot, in terms of breaking up with your partner and losing your shetland, as well as everything else.

Your mare sounds lovely, and given where she came from, it sounds like you have given her an amazing life!

I think, if you'd like her on a busier yard, and you pay for most of her bills, then it's fine to move her. The other horse will be able to find a companion I'm sure, and you can get more out of horse ownership.

Alternatively, I'd consider looking for a retirement type livery set up, where you aren't so tied down, and send her there for a few years. You could then have a bit of a life outside of horses, and maybe save up for your next horse at the same time? Then, when you've been able to travel a bit and enjoy life, you could get a new horse and experience all the things you want to do?

I am a total people pleaser too, so I do get not wanting to upset others, but honestly, it is fine to make choices for your own benefit!

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my long post! Yes, you're right, I think I'm a little nervous about moving but I want her to have a good life, I have looked into track livery as a retirement option for her so she can live out with a herd in a fun environment. She would really like a bigger herd as she is quite anxious herself. I think I've always worried about taking a break from horses in case something happened to her in my absence and I regretted not being there for her, but if she's in good hands I could take time out for myself yes. Good idea.

Thank you, yes it's been a mad year for everyone, I'm just grateful that in my line of work there is the work available.

All the best x

 

[brighteyes]

Good heavens! I think all that justifies at least a round of applause (if not some sort of medal) for sticking with it - and only now wondering 'where to next, from here?' Do you ever put yourself first? While I am so pleased for your mare having secured herself a lifelong home, I am worrying a bit for your happiness. I know you love her, and not trace of resentment comes across for either her restrictive effect on your current free time and enjoyment of horses, or for being handed the reins due to your mum being unable to help, but there isn't really an easy answer to this that won't rock several boats.

Sadly, when they get to their 20's (and usually before that) they aren't quite so robust and it's at that point you have to look at things pragmatically and make decisions based on finances that both your head and heart can manage. I'm sorry to bring that up when you have had losses and everything anyway is looking a bit bloody bleak, including the weather.

If you and your mum could afford it, retirement livery sounds like it would be ideal for your horse. There's an amazing one down in Wales, with horses sent there from all over the world and where she'd be well-cared for. Then you could take some time to regroup, maybe find a share horse and let someone else take the strain?

I can't improve much on Wishfilly's suggestion and sentiments, but would like to wish you a bright New Year and hope you will let us know how you get on.

 

[Sterling92]

Good heavens! I think all that justifies at least a round of applause (if not some sort of medal) for sticking with it - and only now wondering 'where to next, from here?' Do you ever put yourself first? While I am so pleased for your mare having secured herself a lifelong home, I am worrying a bit for your happiness. I know you love her, and not trace of resentment comes across for either her restrictive effect on your current free time and enjoyment of horses, or for being handed the reins due to your mum being unable to help, but there isn't really an easy answer to this that won't rock several boats.

Sadly, when they get to their 20's (and usually before that) they aren't quite so robust and it's at that point you have to look at things pragmatically and make decisions based on finances that both your head and heart can manage. I'm sorry to bring that up when you have had losses and everything anyway is looking a bit bloody bleak, including the weather.

If you and your mum could afford it, retirement livery sounds like it would be ideal for your horse. There's an amazing one down in Wales, with horses sent there from all over the world and where she'd be well-cared for. Then you could take some time to regroup, maybe find a share horse and let someone else take the strain?

I can't improve much on Wishfilly's suggestion and sentiments, but would like to wish you a bright New Year and hope you will let us know how you get on.

Thank you, I appreciate that, I actually didn’t expect to get such supportive comments. I guess I’m so used to juggling everything when things start to fall I feel like a failure! Also people regularly tell you how lucky you are to have a horse so you don’t want to appear ungrateful.

I do spend my time trying to give her the best life I can but I definitely beat myself up when I fall short and feel guilty for wanting a bit of time and money for something else. I would like another horse or pony to have fun on but admit right now I would probably like the time to not be tied down for a short while you’re right, I think that is a very smart idea as long as she is in safe hands. I’ve been committed to my mare my whole life, when she does go I will probably take a break though I can’t imagine a life without horses ?

I don’t resent her at all, I do sometimes my mum for projecting her fears, but I think that’s more self hate that I am also scared or affected by her worries, I don’t want to limit my life or horses because I’m scared. As far as our mare goes I think I’m lucky to have such a beautiful horse with a fiery but loving character (she’s a 15.2 trotter/thoroughbred type though not certain, but she’s cute though!) I think of her more as a sister who’s life I strive to make better than my own, we often struggled financially when I was younger and felt trapped in less than ideal places we couldn’t move from like the fields we rented. I want her to have more friends again and be happy, I think she’s happy but I’m struggling with the set up a bit myself. I know the girls would give me time off if I asked but I worry about putting it on them or looking like I don’t want to make the effort, they also are quite new to horse care as their horse was on full livery until now. But they do like her and she’s mellowed out in her older years so is quite sweet to them all with the occasional fiery moment!
It’s hard on my mum too who would quite like to be free of horse care as much as she loves her as it also takes all her time up. I did plan to move her away with me to where I moved with my partner (I was driving to see her daily but it’s a bit further out) but we we’re going through a rough patch so I chose not to uproot the horses in case (luckily!).

Sorry, rambling on! I will have a google of this place in Wales. I would like to be able to see her still fairly frequently so she doesn’t feel forgotten!

All the best

 

[brighteyes]

... I will have a google of this place in Wales. I would like to be able to see her still fairly frequently so she doesn’t feel forgotten!

All the best

Happy Horse Retirement Home on Facebook. Wonderful place.

Your post makes me sad - your best is more than good enough but it shouldn't have to be at the cost of your own sanity and wellbeing. You are clearly a devoted and committed owner, the likes of which are fairly rare for someone who has been with horses from a young age and to be so diligent in spite of a hectic schedule yourself, well it can wear the best of us down.

Take care. I expect everyone is still chipping ice off water buckets and trying to drag muddy horses about. It's much quieter than usual.

Welcome to HHO, please stay and tell us how this works out.

 

[cumbriamax]

What a lucky horse, not many horses have the good fortune to end up with someone that will look after them for decades. So many a passed around. Your horse is lucky to have you.

 

[Wishfilly]

Thank you, I appreciate that, I actually didn’t expect to get such supportive comments. I guess I’m so used to juggling everything when things start to fall I feel like a failure! Also people regularly tell you how lucky you are to have a horse so you don’t want to appear ungrateful.

I do spend my time trying to give her the best life I can but I definitely beat myself up when I fall short and feel guilty for wanting a bit of time and money for something else. I would like another horse or pony to have fun on but admit right now I would probably like the time to not be tied down for a short while you’re right, I think that is a very smart idea as long as she is in safe hands. I’ve been committed to my mare my whole life, when she does go I will probably take a break though I can’t imagine a life without horses ?

I don’t resent her at all, I do sometimes my mum for projecting her fears, but I think that’s more self hate that I am also scared or affected by her worries, I don’t want to limit my life or horses because I’m scared. As far as our mare goes I think I’m lucky to have such a beautiful horse with a fiery but loving character (she’s a 15.2 trotter/thoroughbred type though not certain, but she’s cute though!) I think of her more as a sister who’s life I strive to make better than my own, we often struggled financially when I was younger and felt trapped in less than ideal places we couldn’t move from like the fields we rented. I want her to have more friends again and be happy, I think she’s happy but I’m struggling with the set up a bit myself. I know the girls would give me time off if I asked but I worry about putting it on them or looking like I don’t want to make the effort, they also are quite new to horse care as their horse was on full livery until now. But they do like her and she’s mellowed out in her older years so is quite sweet to them all with the occasional fiery moment!
It’s hard on my mum too who would quite like to be free of horse care as much as she loves her as it also takes all her time up. I did plan to move her away with me to where I moved with my partner (I was driving to see her daily but it’s a bit further out) but we we’re going through a rough patch so I chose not to uproot the horses in case (luckily!).

Sorry, rambling on! I will have a google of this place in Wales. I would like to be able to see her still fairly frequently so she doesn’t feel forgotten!

All the best

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a change after 22 years! I honestly think your mare has been very lucky to have both you and your mum!

I don't think there's any reason not to consider options that would make your life easier or you happier.

If you're willing to share your location, people might have local recommendations for retirement livery, too.

I don't want to push you in this direction if it's not what you want, but I definitely think it is something you would not need to feel guilty about doing!

 

[brighteyes]

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a change after 22 years! I honestly think your mare has been very lucky to have both you and your mum!

I don't think there's any reason not to consider options that would make your life easier or you happier.

If you're willing to share your location, people might have local recommendations for retirement livery, too.

I don't want to push you in this direction if it's not what you want, but I definitely think it is something you would not need to feel guilty about doing!

I'm guessing Scotland...?

 

[Sterling92]

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a change after 22 years! I honestly think your mare has been very lucky to have both you and your mum!

I don't think there's any reason not to consider options that would make your life easier or you happier.

If you're willing to share your location, people might have local recommendations for retirement livery, too.

I don't want to push you in this direction if it's not what you want, but I definitely think it is something you would not need to feel guilty about doing!

I live in Surrey, near Surbiton. It’s not that I don’t want to be able to see and do things with her right now, it’s more I’d like help to take the pressure off a bit so it’s not always back and forth for me/someone to do it with/things we can do together despite her being semi-retired?

The feelings I have are I’ve put a lot of time and effort in but don’t have much to show for it. I’ve never competed really or anything like that. I do however have a good respectful relationship with my mare and would say I’m good at horsemanship/horse behaviour which I would like to do something with to help others have a good connection and understanding with their horse.

Retirement livery is also a good option for me if I know she’s in a nice place and I can take some days off to focus on work and study and spend more quality time with her so yes, nice yard or retirement livery options would be welcomed ?

 

[TPO]

I'm guessing Scotland...?

Edited because you arent in Scotland.

OP you sound lovely and have really been shouldering a lot. I hope that 2021 is kinder to you.

I know how you feel. I had years of broken horses and great expense with absolutely nothing to show for it. All the while everyone else was riding, training and competing.

It does still feel like wasted years (decades!). I could always afford my horses, their bills (!) and they always had the best of everything. I made the mistake of adding up how much my last always injured horse cost above the cost of a "normal" horse; it was tens of thousands when I stopped counting ? It was more the emotional toll; it wasnt until he was gone that a weight lifted I hadnt even known I was carrying. He needed extra care, especially while on box rest, and my days would be 4.30am -11pm.doing him around a full on job. I missed out on so many nights out, trips away and holidays because I was either exhausted, skint or it was too unfair to expect anyone else to look after him.

The past few years I've been sorted with sound horses and transport etc but just had zero motivation/want left. I tried to convince myself that I should be doing X, Y & Z but I'm just done.

I sold my wee lorry last spring and dont really have plans to replace it.

I'm 38 and think I missed all the "prime" years through my 20s dealing with drama after trauma after drama. I've had horses my whole life because mum is horsey and Ibdid want to train and event. Now I would happily give up were it not for the fact that my motley crew are pretty unsellable and I would cope worse with them being elsewhere than I do just trudging on with the day to day stuff.

If I knew then what I know now I'd have pts my last horse earlier and wouldnt have bought another but I dont make good choices (stating the obvious!).

Sorry that I have zero advice, although retirement livery does sound like a good option, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Sterling92]

I'm guessing Scotland...?

Haha, not quite, on the outskirts of South London basically! My mare is in Cobham but I’m in Surbiton in Surrey. Though would consider relocating as I’ve been considering moving away from London for a nicer life and work is changeable

 

[Marigold4]

I live in Surrey, near Surbiton. It’s not that I don’t want to be able to see and do things with her right now, it’s more I’d like help to take the pressure off a bit so it’s not always back and forth for me/someone to do it with/things we can do together despite her being semi-retired?

The feelings I have are I’ve put a lot of time and effort in but don’t have much to show for it. I’ve never competed really or anything like that. I do however have a good respectful relationship with my mare and would say I’m good at horsemanship/horse behaviour which I would like to do something with to help others have a good connection and understanding with their horse.

Retirement livery is also a good option for me if I know she’s in a nice place and I can take some days off to focus on work and study and spend more quality time with her so yes, nice yard or retirement livery options would be welcomed ?

Limpsfield Retirement Livery at Felbridge is very good. Emma takes good care of them and it's a nice set up. It's about 30 miles from Surbiton.

 

[Sterling92]

What a lucky horse, not many horses have the good fortune to end up with someone that will look after them for decades. So many a passed around. Your horse is lucky to have you.

Thank you

 

[brighteyes]

Retirement livery is also a good option for me if I know she’s in a nice place and I can take some days off to focus on work and study and spend more quality time with her so yes, nice yard or retirement livery options would be welcomed ?

You will struggle to find better than the one I suggested. They have holiday cottages so you can stay a bit longer and it's in a lovely part of Wales.

I have no affiliation other than many, many years ago, a friend of mine sent her old lad there and whilst it was super then, it has become the 'how to do it' retirement livery.

 

[pastel]

You will struggle to find better than the one I suggested. They have holiday cottages so you can stay a bit longer and it's in a lovely part of Wales.

I have no affiliation other than many, many years ago, a friend of mine sent her old lad there and whilst it was super then, it has become the 'how to do it' retirement livery.

thankyou very much for saying such nice things about our yard ! www.happyhorseretirementhome.co.uk