Lost all confidence - who can i go to?

Gingerwitch

Gingerwitch

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Some of you may remember my many and varied posts about this super duper school master i have - he is one hugh powerful horse - if you dont ask too much of him no problems but when you ask him to work he expects the same from you and takes No prisoners ! at my one of my previous yards i was fetched off him in a lesson and made to watch someone i dispised ride him - just to show me supposidly "what the horse can do" - i have had many many lectures off my previous RI about how overhorsed i am, and i ought to let so and so have him - so much so i have moved out of the area with him and am now at a really small friendly yard.

I have had a few sucess with him, hacking out - something i was told never ever to do, and ok we have had a few moments that have lead to a bit of spinning whilst going backwards but that was on our own and due to a pheasant with a death wish but we only have an outdoor school (i have only ridden in indoors with him for the last 3 years !) - two weeks ago i was on a lesson and we had a tiny spook at the bushes and it has finished any last confidence i had.

I will be honest it has just been an awful two weeks - i am stressed to death, my poor husband is at his wits end with me, as in his words the more he buys me the more unhappy i am - now i am not going to sell this horse - i can ride him and have done i just dont belive i can at this moment in time, he has had a very bad life and after 3 years now trusts me implicitly on the ground - i just need to learn to trust him in the saddle.

Bit more background as I really lost my confidence on a guest lesson about 11 weeks ago, just a few days after loosing my wonderful gingerwitch and everytime i asked for canter i blocked him so i got told off - loads of stuff happend after that resulting in my other horse getting injured and me leaving yards again ! and then i met the nutter from hell at my new yard. (or maybe i am the nutter from hell !)

I honeslty feel like selling up - BUT i need either a kick up the bum or someone whom can help me - even my oh has finally had enough of my always having a problem.

Any suggestions as all i want to do is either cry, or sleep and my doctors are no use - they just say relax
 
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So sorry to hear you feel like this. I'm not suprised your confidence has taken a knock if your constantly told you can't do it!! Firstly your horse sounds as tho he could teach you alot in that he needs riding properly to get anything out of him. All you need is a good instructor that will take you back to basics and then forwards slowly so that you can iron out all your little niggles along the way. I had a confidence crisis a few years ago on my bot and wondered what I was doing it for. My instructor basically said you can do it, so get on with it!! It may sound a bit harsh but she knew I needed a kick up the backside, the horse was in no way dangerous, so there was no real reason for my wobble. He can be challenging but the more I came out the otherside of his tantrums the more my confidence grew!! I really hope you sort this out xx
 
First of all you have done the right thing. Get rid of those people around you making your life hell. My motto only let the people into your life you want to be in your life.

Secondly get yourself an instructor recommended to you who can give you confidence but when you have that confidence is willing to push you a little but not over push you. Nobody should tell you off they should tell you how to make things better.

Also ask on here if they have any recommendations. I am sure you will get honest opinions.
 
Is there something that both you and your horse find easy? Even if it's just going into the school and working on your walk-halt transitions and getting a square halt or even just doing different sized circles and serpentines. Whatever it is, do that with him, keep it short and sweet, end on a good note and you will have a good foundation to build up from.

When I had a huge crisis of confidence, I couldn't even mount a horse without turning to jelly. So I went along to my local RDA group and helped them. It did wonders for my confidence as I was around horses and it was all going well (no injuries) and I enjoyed it! That was the main thing, I was enjoying being around horses again. :)
 
A good instructor recommended to you, perhaps they could ride him on a few occasions to get the feel of him and ensure he is regularly squared up if and when he needs it! - some lessons on a straightforward horse to get your confidence back and get you going again.

Perhaps lungeing your chap before you ride him - particularly if it's windy and you suspect he may be wild!

Plus - whenever you do ride, make sure there is a friendly, supportive face around that you can chat away to if you feel a bit nervous - I'm much more confident if there is someone with me to laugh about it all!

I admire your tenacity!
 
I sympathise, Gingerwitch. I lost my confidence several years ago after a bad fall. I struggled for years to get it back - I longed the be the rider I was before the fall.

I found NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) really helped me. I went on a course with Caroline Putus (NLP practitioner and life-long horsewoman) and I also had a couple of one-to-one sessions with her. I won't put her website on here as I suspect that would contravene the rules but I will PM it to you.

I am now riding with confidence again and enjoying it. This is also due to my wonderful instructor but Caroline gave me the tools and techniques for handling the panics/fears of riding. She also helped me pinpoint what my fear was really about, which wasn't directly horse-related!
 
I'm really sorry to hear you feel this way and fully sympathise.

I to have been through a major confidence crisis, brought about by a serious accident.
Its taken me nearly 18 months to get my confidence back and I needed a lot of help.

I to had to move yards as at my previous yard, people took the p*ss out of me for having this crisis, I was belittled etc. Its really not what you need and just drags you down further.

I got professional help about a month ago, and the transformation has been amazing.
Firstly I got a riding instructor to school my horse 4 times per week, and at the same time I went and took private lessons at a riding school with a very good instructor.
In 5 lessons I went from being nervous on a horse and reluctant to trot let alone anything else, to yesterday going for a hack on a beach and having a good canter.

My horse is coming on equally as well and is going very nicely, he was never bad before, I just didn't have the confidence to ride him, he's a gentle soul, a gypsey cob who I bought 3 months ago to try and get back into riding, so I chose the right type but just couldn't do it on my own.

Supportive friends is a must, a friend at my yard has been a pillar of strength to me and I will be eternally grateful to her, so I'd say those that cant or wont give you the support you need, get rid.

A sympathetic instructor is essential but one also able to give you a kick up your rear if they feel you need it, and sometimes we do.

To some being scared, or feeling intimidated by the power of your horse is silly and they have the get a grip attitude, but to those who have been there, they know all to well that the fear is very real and regardless of how irrational it may be at times, there is no magic cure.

Back to basics is key, the first time I rode again I was actually led - at 38 years old and I'm not ashamed of it, I very quickly learnt to ignore what others thought and only had tiime for those who gave me the encouragement and support I needed.

Good luck, it will come back, it just takes time, persistance and the right people around you x
 
You have certainly done the right thing in moving yards and getting rid of that so-called 'instructor'. I can assure you that no good teacher of anything tells their pupils off for making mistakes. Instead they explain very carefully how to get it right and consider it their own failure if the pupil doesn't understand, so they try yet a different way of explaining. Good teachers instil confidence, they don't destroy it.
You have my sympathy over the loss of confidence, it can happen so easily. IME this is made worse by the loss of a horse, no matter what the circumstances.
I second Faracat's suggestion of doing what you are good at - whatever that is- and however basic you think it is.
Have you thought of doing a Mary Wanless 'Ride with your mind' course? I have no personal experience but have read her books, which make sense to me and have heard good reports from other people. This might help you to make the most of your wonderful horse but do remember that horses have no ambition. They just want to be well-looked after, which it certainly sounds as though yours is.
 
Some brilliant replies, plenty of advice as to what to do on the 'horsey' side of life.

I have felt been so over stressed that everyone around me thought I would break down, and I know you don't think it, but your doctors advice to relax is the best you've got. I found some aromatherapy useful, particularly clary sage, to chill me out, and making time to 'take time out'. Its not easy, and you HAVE to retrain your brain, but it makes all the difference. Trust me, I've been there, I would love to have NLP, as mentioned earlier, but couldn't afford it (!) so did what I could myself. I also used a deep relaxation cd to chill out to every so often, which gave my brain AND my body a chance to reset.

And no, I'm not a fluffy bunny, tree hugger or new age anything. Just realised the only person who could change my mind set was me. :)
 
Oh God how I feel for you Gingerwitch. I too have major confidence issues. I was in a different situation to you in that I (I can face it now) was so deperate to replace my old horse I bought totally the wrong horse best suited to someone I am not anymore.

I 'got rid' of the most beautiful horse I have ever owned as he was young and I was either going to seriously injur myself or ruin his confident attitude or both. I had been told that of course he will buck he is young and excited. Of course he'll do this, of course he'll do that but he had grown to 17hh and the bucks were big and came at speed ie when he was going flat out. Not often but he had me off every time now my brain says canter 'youre gonna die!!'

He was only mine for 18 months but for too many reasons to mention not all horsey it was 16 months too long.

I believe is is much happier with his new owners but I steered clear as it caused me too much angst.

Happy for him but sad that I wasnt up to it.

I had logged on here today to post that I have developed a master plan to get my confidence back. I have ridden my old retired guy once and lunged and ridden my friends horse but it dont really like her horse as a ride. She a very busy very unbalanced mare.

I am planning to book some quiet plods out at a riding school I have found. The old fashioned sort where horses are turned out all the time and there is really good local hacking. So I am back to where I was about 30 years ago no nerve and going out on little hacks to get my confidence back.
Wish me Luck and I will keep my fingers crossed for you unfortunatly I know excatly how you feel
 
Flibble said:
Oh God how I feel for you Gingerwitch. I too have major confidence issues. I was in a different situation to you in that I (I can face it now) was so deperate to replace my old horse I bought totally the wrong horse best suited to someone I am not anymore.

I 'got rid' of the most beautiful horse I have ever owned as he was young and I was either going to seriously injur myself or ruin his confident attitude or both. I had been told that of course he will buck he is young and excited. Of course he'll do this, of course he'll do that but he had grown to 17hh and the bucks were big and came at speed ie when he was going flat out. Not often but he had me off every time now my brain says canter 'youre gonna die!!'

He was only mine for 18 months but for too many reasons to mention not all horsey it was 16 months too long.

I believe is is much happier with his new owners but I steered clear as it caused me too much angst.

Happy for him but sad that I wasnt up to it.

I had logged on here today to post that I have developed a master plan to get my confidence back. I have ridden my old retired guy once and lunged and ridden my friends horse but it dont really like her horse as a ride. She a very busy very unbalanced mare.

I am planning to book some quiet plods out at a riding school I have found. The old fashioned sort where horses are turned out all the time and there is really good local hacking. So I am back to where I was about 30 years ago no nerve and going out on little hacks to get my confidence back.
Wish me Luck and I will keep my fingers crossed for you unfortunatly I know excatly how you feel
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This really is the right thing to do, its exactly what I did, the horse I rode was a riding school plod, gentle, predictable and totally forgiving.
Its definitely about being on the right horse, and its amazing at how quickly your confidence returns if on the right sort of horse.
Good luck to you also x
 
Oh Gingerwitch How I feel for you I had the most amazing mare for 4 years She had everything you could ever wish for in a horse beauty, paces and the most amazing temperament Chickens used to walk between her legs on a hack and she didnt bat an eyelid. My confidence went up and down and sometimes I would cry at the thought of getting on her, then a week later I would ride her bareback. In the end I sold her because the stress was making me quite ill For a year I missed her so much. Then Sydney came along. I still havent ridden him properly but watch my friend ride him three times a week and I feel utterly gutted that I darent get on him I know I will one day I dont even know what Im afraid of I am totally confused :confused:
 
sydneysmum said:
Oh Gingerwitch How I feel for you I had the most amazing mare for 4 years She had everything you could ever wish for in a horse beauty, paces and the most amazing temperament Chickens used to walk between her legs on a hack and she didnt bat an eyelid. My confidence went up and down and sometimes I would cry at the thought of getting on her, then a week later I would ride her bareback. In the end I sold her because the stress was making me quite ill For a year I missed her so much. Then Sydney came along. I still havent ridden him properly but watch my friend ride him three times a week and I feel utterly gutted that I darent get on him I know I will one day I dont even know what Im afraid of I am totally confused :confused:
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I do feel sorry for you, that's such a shame, I feel your pain.

One day you'll do it and it'll be wonderful!!;)
 
I feel for anyone who has lost their confidence.It happened to me.A combination of an unsuitable horse and an instructor like you had who was only too willing to tell me how useless etc. I was.I have a new horse now and a lovely instructor who has helped me so much.I have learned though, with these instructors, that it is YOU writing the cheques, you are the employer not the other way round.I would never take rubbish like that again.
 
Thanks to all the replys and the many pm's i have had - i will work through this - even if it is just to show the doubters that i can ride my schoolmaster and it may not be the pretty ineffective way i have been taught recently but it sure as hell will be the agricultural effective way of yonder year.

In a bit of a daze today as i have managed to ride for 20 mins in the outdoor arena, with the wind blowing and ok i only troted the whole of the arena on the left rein, and did quite a few circles in trot, and kept having to come back to walk on the right rein when trying to do the same, but he was working correctly through although he could have been a little rounder.... i was in an old fashioned hunt position and ok he looked at the scary hedge, the crows and the tractor ploughing next door and okay my breathing could be heard over the tractor but i stayed on and pushed myself past my feel ill zone - legs were like jelly when i got off and now at just gone quarter past eight with a g&t in hand it honesly was not as bad as i have imagined - just got to do the same again tomorrow !
 
Gingerwitch said:
Thanks to all the replys and the many pm's i have had - i will work through this - even if it is just to show the doubters that i can ride my schoolmaster and it may not be the pretty ineffective way i have been taught recently but it sure as hell will be the agricultural effective way of yonder year.

In a bit of a daze today as i have managed to ride for 20 mins in the outdoor arena, with the wind blowing and ok i only troted the whole of the arena on the left rein, and did quite a few circles in trot, and kept having to come back to walk on the right rein when trying to do the same, but he was working correctly through although he could have been a little rounder.... i was in an old fashioned hunt position and ok he looked at the scary hedge, the crows and the tractor ploughing next door and okay my breathing could be heard over the tractor but i stayed on and pushed myself past my feel ill zone - legs were like jelly when i got off and now at just gone quarter past eight with a g&t in hand it honesly was not as bad as i have imagined - just got to do the same again tomorrow !
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Well done!!! Big pat on the back and hugs, don't worry about tomorrow, just enjoy the positives you have acheived today :)

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Iv also got a friend who has no confidence and she is not matched to her horse at all. He is sharp and she has no confidence in him at all. Riding is ment to be fun and not put you into melt down. She has since sold said horse and has a more calm mare who has restored her confidence and she's out and about doing alsorts, would never have done it on her old horse. I think sometimes it can be a good idea to get a more suitable horse to get your confidence back cause riding is there to be enjoyed. If I was that nervous about riding a certain horse I would be doubting wheather he was right for me. I hope you get it all sorted it can't be nice
 
Radical suggestion - please do not take up if you don't feel up to it.

Go it alone. No instructor. Sometimes they just make you feel bad/inferior because they can do it and you can't. Your horse, your rules.

About 5 years ago, I had a few lessons with a brilliant BS trainer (too far away to keep it up but he was v good) and he said "You pay the bills and pick up his poo, he's your horse, he doesn't care how good are. He looks a million dollars so stop worrying".

Do what YOU want to do. Then you are in control and you don't have any apron strings to hang on to. I moved to my own yard a few years ago (not there now, unfortunately, but not my doing) and I was terrified that all the welfare decisions were down to me. But I soon got used to it and I had good friends at the end of the phone should the need arise. A bit different, I realise, to riding, but the same principles. Try yourself out for a bit and I bet you will be pleasantly surprised at how able you are without the apron strings.

And if not, get some help. (Different help).

Good luck
xxx
 
Re the OP's pretty but inneffective way taught recently, sister and I learnt to ride many years ago, with a fantastic couple, last year we stewarded for the husband at a working hunter class. This wonderful gentleman, now in his 80's was complaining about people being taught to sit prettily on their horses, rather than being taught to ride. His daughter now runs the RS and he was saying he would not want to teach now, all the horses and ponies have to be plods (I rode some bonkers little ponies back when he taught me!), the instructor cannot put a hand on a child to alter their position (presumably the days of being chucked over the pony when being given a leg up have also gone :D ) and riding withot stirups is discouraged.
Stick with what works and it may well be that your courage returns when you feel that you are secure in your saddle, and know that your aids work. Good luck and well done on today.
 
I'd get rid of the negative people around you. I've seen Belinda Skipper riding her big chestnut gelding out hacking, must admit I stand and droole when I see him and she's tiny on his back and I think he's Grand Prix (not sure), but he does enjoy himself showing off, and every horse should have down time to relax not always being schooled. So give yourself a good kick up the jackse and start think postive. I know you can do it and so does your OH.:):):)
 
You did good today, and thats something to build on.
Just take it one day at a time, and dont put huge pressure on yourself.
Yes you have to push yourself to get on a ride everyday to get through this, but not to the point its making you ill, this is certainly how I felt when I initially tried to get riding again, I felt physically sick at the thought of getting on a horse, and its the most awful feeling.
I found a good friend on the ground talking to me, giving me the moral support and encouragement helped so much, if you get the same offer of help - grab it !!
Good luck tomorrow, and let us know how u get on - u can do it :)
 
Hi there, as an adult back to horseriding after a few years, sadly I must admit yard politics have not changed since I was a child. These people are jealous of you and your horse thats why they want it. I am sad to hear that you had to go through the misery of this person you do not like riding your horse. But you should have stood up for yourself and said "No way is she riding my horse" But as an adult rider myself I know what having lessons is like sometimes because you feel powerless, It seems to be the only hobby that I know of where you pay hard earned cash to be shouted at and treated like a moron in front of people. Don't get me wrong my instructor is a diamond, It took me a year to learn to canter without wanting to be ill. I sing when I am out on a hack and have to canter. I totally enjoy this sport and love horses, but it is not for the faint hearted. I have one horse at the stables where I ride who is a marvel. I would love to own him as I have never had my own horse. You do own your wonderful horse, you have him 24/7 do not give up or give in. If we are seen as nervous riders we are sometimes labelled as only this. For your sake and your horses don't let these people who have knocked your confidence win. Turn off the little voices in your head and breathe, sing even, hell it amuses the horse I ride cause I won't be on the x factor any time soon. Life is far too short. Good Luck to you.
 
missyme10 said:
This really is the right thing to do, its exactly what I did, the horse I rode was a riding school plod, gentle, predictable and totally forgiving.
Its definitely about being on the right horse, and its amazing at how quickly your confidence returns if on the right sort of horse.
Good luck to you also x
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I have total empathy with all of you struggling with confidence issues. I have ridden all my life but recently had a 9 year enforced break following divorce. Over the moon to get a horse again then found no confidence! I went out hacking with a very dear friend who runs a riding school locally and I trust her no nonsense approach and her horses impicitlt. It only took half a dozen hacks to regain my confidence and I woul highly recommend this approach, along with some positive thinking and belief that we can achieve anything we want. Good luck to you all, it is so miserable being in that place
 
It's horrible isn't it. When you do something physical you can see what is wrong, and know what to do about about. When it is something like confidence it is not so easy is it.

Ok firstly your schoolmaster will not be giving a flying stuff nor be a bit interested in "maximizing his potential" or "what level of competition he could be doing with another owner" so lets just put this one down to the wittering of a few jealous women (well done for getting away from there by the way!)

You are actually doing it GW, you had a good day yesterday, hacking out you admit can be a bit busy but does not phase you. I think what has happened is that you have had so many negative comments about your ability and the fact you are over horsed that after suffering a setback you are sitting there thinking "oh god they were right" TOTAL TOSH!

My suggestion would to find an instructor and be totally honest with them about what has happened and what has been said in the past. What you need to do is to get yourself to a state of "I can do this" your horse will sense the change in you and will start to 100% trust you under saddle ergo you will start to 100% trust him.

As another poster has said go for the easy stuff, give yourself some quick wins, then start to work on the more difficult stuff with a supportive instructor.

I have manged to find the perfect instructor for me he started off all lunge lines, taking it easy and well done's and we have now gone onto, stop over complicating it, of course you can do it and exactly what is the worst thing that can happen here;-)).

Oh and keep hacking out! My last horse was a TB who had been owned by someone who used to compete medium Dressage and he used to spend his week schooling in the arena 3 days a week and trailering to competitions at weekends, he was never hacked out as he was too hot. He was sold to me by his original trainer as he was "stale" and needed some fun. I spent 18 months just hacking him out for two hours a day and he loved it. Then when i decided to get back into competing my first training session with him he just clicked back in to it. His original trainer rode him in a test and pronounced he had "forgotten nothing" and because I had just "ridden him" he has lost no skill at all. So the moral is you will not ruin your schoolmaster by hacking him out you will only make him relax and realize there is more to life than schooling.

Please let everyone know how you get on and ask for support don't worry about it because one thing I have learnt is that the problem in my head becomes not nearly so huge when I speak to other people about it.

All the best xx
 
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