lost confidence and feeling really low. how do you bounce back?

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tinymaze

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how do people get there confidence back?
About a month ago I posted a post about my mare and me as I was struggling with her and losing my confidence fast. I got good advice from you all but unfortunately since then I've lost all my confidence.
I was scheduled to have a lessons on her and then I had a complete melt down and I wouldn't even sit on her.
Lucky for me I'm surrounded by good people and my instructor is very understanding, I am now having lessons on another horse that's calm and it's apparent I have no riding confidence now. I've gone back to just doing ground work with my mare and my friend is ridding her, but my mare is still sometimes bombing off and occasionally bucking whilst ridding. it's not a problem for my friend but scares me witless. and just to put in here everything has been checked. (teeth/back/tack) I've even got a new saddle fitted as she was in a treeless one before and was worried that could be a cause.
but I must admit the whole thing has me really depressed and feeling low.
I know it sounds funny but I feel like my horse hates me, she a nightmare to catch now and somethings missing, there no bond there, this all seems to have happened since I've moved her to this yard 3/4 months ago and after the falls.
I don't know if just me and not really seeing things as they are. I just seem to be crying all the time over silly things horse related or not and to be honest I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
sorry this all sound a bit wingy but i wanted to know if anyone else has felt like this or gone through something similar and how did you come out of it?
 
I think what you need to ask yourself is, is she the right Horse for you?

Confidence is a fragile thing and so hard to get back. I still suffer following an accident 4 years ago! I took baby steps and got a good instructor which helped.
 
I think my daughter is going through a similar thing right now, though luckily horse is good on the ground and truthfully not bad under saddle compared to other horses I have seen her happily get on and ride. However, things change and I notice that things that would not have fazed her at one time have her in a wreck now, I don't know what the answer is but it is heartbreaking to see. I think maybe take some time to reflect on what you want from a horse and whether this is still the horse for you, only you know the answer to that of course.
 
Firstly your horse does not hate you, she may be a bit confused about how you feel about her, they can sense if you are uncertain, lack confidence and play on that, not being caught is a common way to show they are feeling unsure and it gets the owner feeling frustrated so spirals, especially if the horse is not in a routine where they depend on the owner for food.

If she is still playing up with your friend it may be worth getting your instructor to work her instead, some serious schooling may be required to get her through this, it would give your instructor a better understanding of how to help you move onto her in time, if you want to, or get her going well enough that if you decide she is not for you have her ready to sell.

Winter is the worst time, cold weather, less work make for fresh horses, miserable riders and lack of motivation, confidence is easy to lose harder to regain, it takes time, a good instructor who understands and can work with you to build up your self belief, small steps are the way forward, getting your mare working really well on the lunge may be a good aim, this could help you build up some trust as well as getting her working hard to use up some energy.
 
She is 'turning away' from you as you are not projecting confidence to her. Even on the ground this will worry her and she will want to move away from this. A horse is a follower therefore it must follow a leader and a leader always shows confidence.

I had the same issue this time last year. My YO sat me down and said I had two options
1. Sell it.....someone else will buy it and it will be the right horse for them
2. Just get on with it. Yep there will be some difficult situations, and some that will totally make you feel sick. However I could never let the horse know this.

I went with option 2. Why? As I know it's the right horse for me and she didn't go bucking off round the arena for no reason at all....there was an underlying cause! I didn't ride her for 4 months, but just did the daily stuff. But I made myself leader! I made myself have 'superficial' confidence for my horse. Ok I was feeling like wanting to be sucked into a great big black hole, but I had a horse who needed me to not be scared! And over time..... Maybe 6 months...... I can now ask her to do anything I.e ride and lead down a main road (I'm pretty sure I could get to walk through a ring of fire!) but 'true' confidence also came about as I saw that when I gave a lead to my horse she settled down and became a confident horse herself!
 
It's not the right time of year to sell yet, but in a few months time it will be. Can you take the pressure off yourself, get your friend to ride her and do a little bit yourself when you fancy it. Keep on riding the horse you feel confident. When spring comes if you still feel the same sell her. Its a hobby, and an expensive one and should make you happy.
 
I felt a bit like this last year with my lad who can be sensitive - though not quite as bad as I was still riding. He used to tank off around the arena with me at full pelt, was sharp and spooky to hack, again was a swine to catch at times and could be a bit unpredictable to handle (though not in a dangerous way). Coupled with a heavy fall at a jumping clinic and a relationship break up my confidence and mood was pretty was pretty low.

Despite this I put all the time I could into him as I'm too stubborn and bloody minded to give up! I hacked with sensible companions, got people to walk short routes on foot with me, lunged and did ground work with him, battled on with lessons and schooling in short sessions. When he was being a horror to catch I made sure I had all day to catch him! A year on he still has 'moments' but the time was well invested - he's now working well finishing 3rd in his first ever Prelim last week. He's come a long way from blindly galloping off in the arena 12 months ago.

It can be done - it depends if you want to do it? I knew that if I wanted to keep or sell him I had to 'man up' a bit and put the effort into turning him into the horse I felt he should be. Enlist someone to help a bit and boost your confidence, get someone riding him regularly if you really can't face it and put the time in on the ground to develop a better relationship.
 
In a very similar situation so I sympathise. Afraid I agree you have to ask yourself the question is it the right horse for you! Not worth getting your confidence back for it to be knocked again, horses pick up on nerves and some respond to it more than others!
I have made the hard decision to sell rather than set bobby or myself back further.
Good luck
 
I have been in your situation due to buying a horse that was completely unsuitable for me. Two years of trying to make it work resulted in complete lack of confidence if not a fear of riding and I felt rubbish about myself.

I nearly gave up completely but really didn't want to as love being around horses. Having the right horse for you is the only way you can get your confidence back in my opinion.

Mine is slowly returning now with my darling of a new boy but it's still not back completely. My advice is to sell her, move on and find yourself a horse you can have fun with. It's meant to be a pleasure after all.
 
Confidence is usually in flux, I'm sorry you are at a low. It sounds to me you are doing the right thing riding a better behaved horse to get your confidence back on. Could you ride a variety of other horses?

Do you do any other sports? I'm not the bravest rider, but I am fit and physically confident. Knowing my body will do what I tell it, even if the bloody horse won't is extremely reassuring. it means I can react quicker.
 
I havent been suffering from a confidence knock like yourself but I have had some confidence issues recently and lost all confidence/ enthusiasm to ride and hack out alone recently and after following advice on here i just took a step back and took the pressure off myself to ride. I didnt have to ride, I didnt have to do anything I didnt want to do so I concentrated on spending time with him, as much as I could really, on the ground pottering about and strengthening our bond (he is a gelding, I had food ... wasnt going to take long to bond was it!) and I'm slowly but very surely getting my mojo back and seem to be keen to ride again and hack out alone. I even hacked him to our new yard last Saturday on our own and it was great. He was a bit spooky at one point but I rode quietly and faked the riding confidently bit saying outloud to him "Take your confidence from your rider Giz, take your confidence from me I will look after you" (scary sheep!!)

I know it sounds silly but it helped calm my nerves which then calmed him and actually after saying it a few times I started to feel a bit more confident and yes, if he was scared of the sheep and they did turn into horse attacking sheep I would have actually protect him from them :o

Half the time faking confidence is the only way to become confident so dont give yourself a hard time. Take the pressure off yourself and take baby steps. Mares are funny ******* to deal with and sometimes they can see straight through you but most of the time they cant tell if your acting ;)

Nothing is set in stone. You dont have to keep this horse but you do have to man up and make decisions about her if she is to be sellable if you decide to move her on. No one should put you down for making that decision and if they do ... say to them .."you buy her then!" ;) Good luck.
 
I have suffered a complete confidence crisis and got out the other side.

My pony was very hard to mount, and forward. I was having lessons but not confident and would only ride with others around. Then one day I was feeling brave while there was no one else on the yard so decided to ride. It all went wrong and after a few failed attempts to get on I jumped on, pony bolted and deposited me on a pile of jump wings. I was unhurt but really shaken. After that I just refused to get on him. I had others ride him on the yard and he seemed fine for them so I assumed it was just me. I decided Id get im going sensibly (with others riding him) them sell him as I was truly terrified. The more I watched others ride him the more I got a little jealous that I wanted to ride him, but I was too scared. My very good friend sat me down and said I either had to get on with it or sell him as it wasn't a healthy way to be. So with a lot of help I got back on. Literally mounted while he was held, sat for 30 seconds and got off. I couldn't get the bolt out of my head and was shaking and felt sick. Over a few sessions I built up to walking around on lead rein, then on the lunge and then on my own. Then I had to re learn to mount on my own without the terrible fear I felt. But once I had done this my confidence came back in leaps and bounds from nowhere! It was my friend pushing me that helped, id still be on lead rein I reckon if she hadn't pushed me so hard.

We went to our local show in hand for the first few times, then I hacked over, and after 4 shows I was doing the intermediate show jumping! Now I do everything with him, I hack alone, go on pleasure rides, and he is an absolute little star now!

So OP, please do not give up. If you have a good support network around you and you want to ride (putting the confidence aside) you will. For me, telling myself I wouldn't ride helped me as I took all the pressure away form myself, but at the same time having my friend force me back on is what helped me, but I appreciate this may not work for everyone. If it wasn't for my friend Id have sold my pony.

My confidence is such now that I have taken on and backed a youngster this last few weeks! Not bad to say 8 months ago i wouldn't even get on a horse, so there is hope. Feel free to PM me xx
 
Thanks everyone for the replies, Had a total melt down today at the yard, which i can't really blame my mare as any horse could of done what she did. but I was bringing her in from the field and as we were rounding a blind corner someone with a suitcase was coming round the other side and she freaked. Just a few moments after that a horse passes and kicks out at her and she leaps forward into me, sending me smack into a wall.
I was fine but just got into the middle of the yard and broke down. My instructor saw and came over and like the replies on here has said that I need to forget my mare in terms of ridding her and so on, to take the pressure of me as it's really affecting me and to stop beating myself up.
To carry on ridding the other horse as much as possible, have my friend keep on ridding mine and she will help lunge and school her. not to decide anything now, to give it a couple of months and re-evaluate the situation.
somethings are easier said then done, but at least I have a plan and the help, all I need to do now is get on top of all this crying I seemed to be doing.
 
Hay, I'm sorry you had a bad day. I think leaving your mare until your a bit braver is a good call.

It sounds like you've got a good support network in RL.

I think you need a bit of building up and a treat, maybe a horsey weekend somewhere?
 
I was in your situation last summer having bought a new horse who absolutely killed my confidence with his bucking, spooking and general bloody mindedness and it was awful. My confidence was in total tatters and I was really scared of riding him.

Luckily a very good friend on here (Doormouse) took matters into her own hands after I collapsed in a snotty, tearful heap with her on a FUN ride (fun it was not!!) and told me that it was not the right horse for me and that there was no shame whatsoever in admitting it and selling him. I followed her advice and sent him away to be sold about a week later and the relief in handing him over to someone else was enormous.

Now I have an older horse on loan who is probably more naughty than the one I sold but I trust him implicitly and know that he would be mortified if I actually fell off or hurt myself. I have a total relationship with him but never had one with the one I sold who was a total *****!!

Life is too short to try and force yourself to work with a horse that scares you. And its supposed to be fun!!
 
Op could you possibly be suffering from depression? Are there other things going on in your life that are making the problems with your mare worse? If not, then this problem you have with your mare is making you very unhappy. It may simply be that you are totally mismatched. I am not one for selling horses, but in your case I think that this may be your answer. Then either take a break from horses or find yourself something that is steadier and confidence giving. If however, you d think that you maybe depressed, this can have the effect of making you very nervous and jumpy and your mare will pick up on that and feel nervous and jumpy too. If you are depressed then you need to go and talk to your GP. It is amazing how treating depression can make everything else fall into place and not seem half so bad.
 
TandD said:
She is 'turning away' from you as you are not projecting confidence to her. Even on the ground this will worry her and she will want to move away from this. A horse is a follower therefore it must follow a leader and a leader always shows confidence.

I had the same issue this time last year. My YO sat me down and said I had two options
1. Sell it.....someone else will buy it and it will be the right horse for them
2. Just get on with it. Yep there will be some difficult situations, and some that will totally make you feel sick. However I could never let the horse know this.

I went with option 2. Why? As I know it's the right horse for me and she didn't go bucking off round the arena for no reason at all....there was an underlying cause! I didn't ride her for 4 months, but just did the daily stuff. But I made myself leader! I made myself have 'superficial' confidence for my horse. Ok I was feeling like wanting to be sucked into a great big black hole, but I had a horse who needed me to not be scared! And over time..... Maybe 6 months...... I can now ask her to do anything I.e ride and lead down a main road (I'm pretty sure I could get to walk through a ring of fire!) but 'true' confidence also came about as I saw that when I gave a lead to my horse she settled down and became a confident horse herself!
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How do u project confidence if you aren’t feeling it? I’ve lost confidence and am always nervous and I don’t know how to make it so my horse doesn’t pick up on it
 
Clairesmethurst said:
How do u project confidence if you aren’t feeling it? I’ve lost confidence and am always nervous and I don’t know how to make it so my horse doesn’t pick up on it
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“Fake it till you make it”. Deep breaths, try and keep your heart rate down. Don’t push yourself. Better to do little things and finish on a good note.

I suffered with nerves hacking on my own so I made a playlist of songs that made me feel good and played them whilst I rode. I’d sing along and it distracted me. I’d ride literally to the track and back and when that got boring I added a new point to get to and turn back at.

Also as an aside this is a really old thread so you probably won’t get replies from a lot of the original posters but others will be along to give advice i’m sure!
 
Angus' yard said:
It's not the right time of year to sell yet, but in a few months time it will be. Can you take the pressure off yourself, get your friend to ride her and do a little bit yourself when you fancy it. Keep on riding the horse you feel confident. When spring comes if you still feel the same sell her. Its a hobby, and an expensive one and should make you happy.
Click to expand...

It might be the 'right time to sell' ...at least you know people buying in winter when horse keeping is at its most difficult are serious about horses and not fair weather 'I think I'd like a horse' types
 
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