Lost my horse and myself it would seem

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silverbreeze

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I don't normally post self pitying things but I'm totally lost and it helped to post on here when one of my youngsters was killed in an accident a few years ago. This is long, sorry!

I lost my 19yr old in April this year to colic, I have had him since he was 3 and we have lived through so many different experiences together, through different stages of my life he was always there and we had a considerable amount of success in a number of different things we turned our hands to. We did much less latterly but he was incredibly fit and healthy. I just had it in my head he was going to outlive us all.. Unfortunately, his first and only bout of colic lead to his demise.

Obviously, I was absolutely devastated but I seemed to just carry on the day after. I didn't feel the loss as I expected to and I didn't mourn how I did when I lost my youngster.. I suppose that should've set alarm bells ringing but I just carried on with my others as if nothing happened.

However, just recently I've been having a nightmare.. Massive lows, wracked with self doubt and I feel I have nothing and I am no good at anything.. I literally have no identity. It's crippling me, I've never been a depressive person. I have always been a little insecure but this is horrific.. I was looking through some pics on my phone and I came across some of Woods being a nutter, he always entertained everyone.. And that's when it hit me, it's always been me and him, he was my success, everyone knew him and used to love him, and now I'm just me and I have no success... It's horrific really and I have no idea how to pull myself out of this dark place. I honestly want to sell the ones I have left and never look at a horse again in my life.

Sorry for the long post, don't really know what I am looking for, guess I just want to get this out there.

Thanks for reading x
 
He was a major part of your life for 16 years - it's not surprising you feel so lost :( But you still have success - you'll always have him - as well as the memories, he's made you who you are.

I can't say I know how you feel because I don't but i lost my first pony in may - I'd had him for 6 years. For a couple of weeks afterwards I was sad and cried a lot, but was dealing with it ok I thought. Then a few weeks later I started to feel the big hole in my life where he had been. I have 2 other horses and I discussed selling them both as it didn't feel worth it anymore. They weren't him. Looking after 2 horses for some reason felt harder than looking after 3. I'd sort them out and then walk back to the car feeling like I'd done half a job.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
You are grieving for a dear friend.
Don't be hard on yourself through this process, he needed you, to find the success you shared.

Try to remember that these feelings will pass, as you move through the grieving stages, and that your youngsters are waiting for you to recognize their potential, (when you are ready) and that you can have more than one horse in your lifetime.

x
 
I can totally identify with how you are feeling right now, even though grief is a unique experience for each person.
Sometimes in order to protect ourselves from the magnitude of loss, we kind of carry on at first almost as normal and tell ourselves that its ok, we're coping fine. After grieving for your youngster, the prospect of going through that pain for your 19 yr old may have been something subconciously you wanted to avoid.
However, there is no escape from grief and the feelings you express now, are incredibly normal. Please hang in there and believe that you will feel better and that it won't seem so bleak for ever.
The price we pay for loving is measured only by the depth of sadness we have in losing them. Your boy was so lucky to have had you in his life.
 
You shared so many memories with a companion who was very dear to you - it's completely understandable that you feel so lost. But no one can take those memories away from you. Nothing can change the fact that you loved, cared & did your best for him for so many years.
If you can have such a special bond with him, you can have it with your others. It's not betraying him to do so. You obviously have the love & passion to make horses happy, so it's not a crime to continue now he's gone.
Think of all the good times you've had with him.. I'm sure he wouldn't want those to stop for you. Maybe if you put some more energy into your others, they can help you work through your grief? It would be a shame to let the lessons he's taught you over the years go to waste.
I hope you find peace & happiness, whatever you decide xxx
 
Thank you, I know I need to focus on my girls I have left, it's touch when they just don't have what he did. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply everyone, it helps to get it said and acknowledged somehow xx
 
silverbreeze said:
Thank you, I know I need to focus on my girls I have left, it's touch when they just don't have what he did. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply everyone, it helps to get it said and acknowledged somehow xx
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No they don't have what he did, and you wouldn't want them to either. They are their own person and you need to see that

When my old lad went I was where you are, and the horse I had left didn't do what he did either. As time went on she stepped out of his shadow and became an extreamly loving and tuned in horse... surprised the hell out me when she got cheeky. Now 3 years on, and I am not sorry I still have the memories of my old lad, and now I have new memories along with good times and bad times with my girl.
 
Oh you poor, poor thing! What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You probably put a bit of a shell around yourself to begin with. Probably felt more numb than anything? However, what happens when you finnally let your guard down is the grief comes rushing in. The only thing I can say is that it WILL get better. Just take one day at a time and try not to make any long term plans regarding your horses. You will learn to love again, and that is when you will be pleased you hung on in there.
 
I know, it sounds so ungrateful to say that about them too as there are plenty of people who would give their right arm for them!

I do have a bond with them, I just don't seem to have the same pride I did with him. They aren't as talented as him but that's not their fault and they do have their own talents where he didn't... They just aren't as outwardly obvious, which I know shouldn't matter... I think it was just so easy with him and I now feel like I've lost any ability I had as it's not so easy with them...
 
(((((((hugs)))))))) What you feel is normal. When I lost Lucy I couldn't even look at Herbie. I ignored him for a month. That sounds awful I know but I have to admit I hated him. He wasn't Lucy and I just wanted her back. She had been my whole world for 12 years. We had been through some realy traumers and some amazingly happy times together. She was always there for me when I needed her but at that time I needed her more than ever and she wasn't there.
My whole world fell appart. I pushed everyone away. I lost my job over it and I just couldn't see how life was going to carry on. But sadly life has to go on. I had to pull myself together and get on with it. It wasn't easy but I just kept telling myself it was what Lucy would have wanted. I'm shore she would have been angry If I had given up on Herbie or given up horses alltogether. Thinking that seemed to give me the streangth to pull myself together and carry on.
Herbs is never going to be Lucy and neither is Merryn but I wouldn't expect them to be. They are there own people and I do love them to bits but Lucy will always have a special place in my heart and nothing is ever going to change that. Your boy will always have a special place in your heart to. He will always be watching over you.
It's good to let it out. If you ever want someone to talk to or just someone to listen Feel free to PM me anytime and i'll try to help if I can.
Hang on in there it will get easyer. You'll never forget your boy but you will lurn how to get through the days. Let your current horses be there for you. Once I let Herbs in he was a great help to me when I was missing Lucy.
Take care of yourself. xx
 
To be honest it would be a bit strange if you weren't feeling a bit down - you've lost a friend and companion of 16 years. So be kind to yourself and give yourself a little time to grieve. I always say that you never really get over it, but the time you spent with them becomes part of who you are and the end fades.

If you're really struggling with functioning with your low mood it's wirth a chat with your doctor though - if grieving has slipped over in to depression you may need a little help.

Paula
 
I think I know just how you feel. I'm counting the days down until I have my old girl PTS before the winter comes. I've had her 17 years and it has been a rollercoaster the entire time. We are like two sides of the same coin and when she goes I am sure I will feel like I have lost my right arm. Whenever I bump into someone they first thing they ask is how is she? No-one ever asks how I am! Several people have already asked what on earth am I going to do when she is gone? I drive 3 hours a day in order to see her before and after work for a start. It will not be easy to fill the time and the hole in my heart. I'm not replacing her and intend to have nothing more to do with horses. Luckily I have a number of time consuming interests already but I'm increasingly feeling like my entire raison d'etre is going. I have had to devote huge amounts of time and money to her over the years at the expense of what other people would call having a normal life. It will be a very long dark winter I think. I hope you feel better soon.
 
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