Managing non-horsey friendships???

[Deltofe2493]

So I bought my horse earlier this year, and moved out of London. Safe to say my life is completely different to how it was pre-covid. Horse is on full livery, fully shod, 3 feeds a day, needs constant work / lessons and I enjoy going out competing which isn't cheap as I don't have my own transport. I am loving every minute of actually owning my own and doing what I want to do when I want to do it. She also has her regular checks such as dentist / physio which again all adds up.

On top of this, I am trying to save for a mortgage. I work Mon-Fri and weekend evenings. When they do meet up it is usually in London which is ££££. And also if I take time off at weekends, it means I lose the cash I would have earned that night.

I am under a lot of financial pressure and I am too embarrassed to keep using the money excuse to sit events out. I used to be the person who would be at every event no matter what, holidays etc and about not worry about my overdraft / credit cards and I do not want to live like that any more.

My question is.. how do people manage long distance friendships on a budget and get them to understand that you're not always available/don't have the funds? Without giving the impression their friendship isn't important at the same time. I don't want them to think I've 'changed' or don't care about them because I am still the same person and I do enjoy socialising, just not as much as I used to because money is tighter than it used to be so I have to be picky.

I feel like if it was a child people would be more understanding, but because it is a horse and isn't the 'norm' they don't quite get it.

 

[Starzaan]

My friends aren’t in England, so that helps ?
My best friend and friendship group aren’t horsey at all. They all work in fashion and live in paris, Athens and New York. I don’t see them nearly as much as I would like, but I’m just honest with them. They know I can’t afford to see them much, and why, and when we do go out they know I don’t want to blast money on cocktails all night.
Real friends understand.

 

[AntiPuck]

It doesn't solve the situation with your current friends (although the solution to most relationship problems in life is "talk to them about it"!) - but it may be helpful to make new friends in your new area, and perhaps even horsey ones so that you have shared interests and lifestyles to bond over. Is there a riding club you can join? A hacking group?

 

[paddi22]

life changes and it's natural to drift away. I moved from the city to the countryside and I gradually ended up making a new gang of friends and only seeing my old ones very rarely. As starzaan said, real friends do understand. there is a phase of your life where its fun to spend money on cocktails and nights out, and then you move into a different phase. A few of my friends used to moan I didn't make the effort to see them, and the handiest solution I found was to put it back on them. So I shower them with invites to stay over weekends and stuff. put it back on them that THEY are they ones that also need to travel to visit YOU.

 

[Cortez]

Maybe you need new friends?

 

[Deltofe2493]

One of my good friends also bought a horse a few months after me, so she completely understands. I get on well with my instructor and I used to have a buddy at the yard and we took horses to the beach but she has since moved yards. She goes back and forth from London but hopefully catch up with her in next couple weeks when back for Xmas.

It's the existing friendships I worry about. But you guys are right, I need to actually talk to them and tell them what is going on. I do find it difficult to open up though and hate any kind of confrontation/deep discussion.

 

[Deltofe2493]

It doesn't solve the situation with your current friends (although the solution to most relationship problems in life is "talk to them about it"!) - but it may be helpful to make new friends in your new area, and perhaps even horsey ones so that you have shared interests and lifestyles to bond over. Is there a riding club you can join? A hacking group?

Definitely! I am hoping to make some friends when I go out and about to clinics / shows etc. My yard isn't wildly busy, hoping YO will be able to take some more liveries. I did consider moving to a buzzier yard, but it is close to home, facilities are excellent, reasonably priced and horse loves it there.

 

[Annagain]

It sounds like real life has hit. I'm guessing you're mid 20s if you're also saving for a house and suddenly worrying about debt and living within your means. It happens to most of us then. We all have to worry about paying the mortgage and putting food on the table. If your friends aren't there yet, they will be soon. Relationships that are meant to last will and those that aren't will drift away. You'll see each other at weddings over the next few years and it will be nice but that will be enough. I have a core of about 6 friends from uni, 4 from school and 1 from the horses (since pony club) who are ever-present in my life, others have come and gone and that's fine.

Having said that, it does sound like you're spending a lot on the horse. If that is what you want to do and you're financially comfortable, that's fine but if not seeing friends is bothering you, cutting back on the competing would be a way of freeing up time and money. I don't mean never do it, just maybe drop one in three and save that money specifically for a weekend with friends?

 

[Jango]

I have horsey friends but also non-horsey friends and as others have said if they are real mates they will understand. Basically you have reduced time and money. The money one is easy, invite them to do things that are more in your budget, e.g. a pizza night at yours or a boozy picnic in the summer. The time one is harder, but if you want to remain friends you will have to make the effort to see them. Focus your time and energy on a couple of really good friends and understand other friends will just naturally slip away as you have less time/money for socialising.

 

[Deltofe2493]

It sounds like real life has hit. I'm guessing you're mid 20s if you're also saving for a house and suddenly worrying about debt and living within your means. It happens to most of us then. We all have to worry about paying the mortgage an putting food on the table. If your friends aren't there yet, they will be soon. Relationships that are meant to last will and those that aren't will drift away. You'll see each other at weddings over the next few years and it will be nice but that will be enough. I have a core of about 6 friends from uni, 4 from school and 1 from the horses (since pony club) who are ever-present in my life, others have come and gone and that's fine.

Having said that, it does sound like you're spending a lot on the horse. If that is what you want to do and you're financially comfortable, that's fine but if not seeing friends is bothering you, cutting back on the competing would be a way of freeing up time and money. I don't mean never do it, just maybe drop one in three and save that money specifically for a weekend with friends?

That's the same as me, 6 girls from uni, and 1 bff from primary school and the other girl who also shares the horsey life. Some of the uni girls already have their mortgages (they were able to save at home, my mum moved away when I was 21 so was left to fend for myself). The past year I have been living with my bf and his parents actually saving.

I absolutely understand what you're saying re not go out competing, I only started in September, and have done 3 so far. Won't be this month or next due to Christmas (visiting mum in Ireland plus flight plus covid tests plus not being able to work the weekend as it is xmas eve /day). I am also away with main job for a week end of Jan, so will lose cash there too so I already know competing won't be an option again until March / April.

It's one particular friends' birthday at the beginning of Feb, and when I missed the first birthday brunch in May this year due to me back working weekends she gave me a bollocking and said how disappointing it was that I'm missing it etc. Ironically she didn't attend my birthday in July due to her having family commitments the night before. I don't want to upset her by not coming, but I need to work consistently for a couple months until I'll be financially comfortable again. Or should I just go and suck up the costs?? I don't know.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I have horsey friends but also non-horsey friends and as others have said if they are real mates they will understand. Basically you have reduced time and money. The money one is easy, invite them to do things that are more in your budget, e.g. a pizza night at yours or a boozy picnic in the summer. The time one is harder, but if you want to remain friends you will have to make the effort to see them. Focus your time and energy on a couple of really good friends and understand other friends will just naturally slip away as you have less time/money for socialising.

I'd love to invite friends over but living with bf & parents and it's not the type of home you can invite friends too. Even BF doesn't really bring his friends over, we always end up going elsewhere! Which is why saving so important so we can have our own space. But yes I agree, maybe plan things out of London and go for light lunches and breakfasts with no drinking involved (my achilles heel, can never just have one lol).

 

[smolmaus]

when I missed the first birthday brunch in May this year due to me back working weekends she gave me a bollocking and said how disappointing it was that I'm missing it etc.

Hmm. I am little older than you but not far off being in the same situation (we bought our house last year) and I would not be accepting a bollocking off anyone supposed to be my mate for basically any reason. Maybe a "Awk that's disappointing, we really miss seeing you more often" which is going to sting but nobody is shouting at me. We are meant to be adults here, not teens getting fraught and emotional over a birthday party ?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

If she gave you a b*llocking for not coming to her do then sack her off straight away. Anyone who gets angry with a friend for their absence rather than asking what's going is self-centered.
With the rest just say 'I am saving for a house, paying off debt and have a horse which is a significant expense, so I will only be able to come down for cheaper events or about once every 6 months. I'm sure you understand as you had to save for your mortgages'.. if that goes badly and they don't even try to understand then sack them off too.. You'll come to realise that only truly two sided friendships are worth maintaining, I have shed a lot of one sided or 'toxic' relationships with people in the last 4 years, friends and family, and it comes as quite the relief! Even if the thought is initially a scary one..

 

[Annagain]

That's the same as me, 6 girls from uni, and 1 bff from primary school and the other girl who also shares the horsey life. Some of the uni girls already have their mortgages (they were able to save at home, my mum moved away when I was 21 so was left to fend for myself). The past year I have been living with my bf and his parents actually saving.

I absolutely understand what you're saying re not go out competing, I only started in September, and have done 3 so far. Won't be this month or next due to Christmas (visiting mum in Ireland plus flight plus covid tests plus not being able to work the weekend as it is xmas eve /day). I am also away with main job for a week end of Jan, so will lose cash there too so I already know competing won't be an option again until March / April.

It's one particular friends' birthday at the beginning of Feb, and when I missed the first birthday brunch in May this year due to me back working weekends she gave me a bollocking and said how disappointing it was that I'm missing it etc. Ironically she didn't attend my birthday in July due to her having family commitments the night before. I don't want to upset her by not coming, but I need to work consistently for a couple months until I'll be financially comfortable again. Or should I just go and suck up the costs?? I don't know.

Ah I took what you said to mean you were competing a lot more often than that, that's certainly not excessive at all. It actually sounds like it's not the horse and the money you spend on her preventing you from seeing friends at the moment but work and family commitments. If your friends don't understand that, they're not true friends. If you can't make the brunch in Feb, could you suggest meeting your friends somewhere in between for lunch instead? That should be a bit cheaper, cut down on travel costs (and having to stay in London the night before if that's what brunch would have required) and you could be back in time to work in the evening. It will also put the onus on them to make some effort to meet you half way (literally and metaphorically).

 

[Deltofe2493]

Ah I took what you said to mean you were competing a lot more often than that, that's certainly not excessive at all. It actually sounds like it's not the horse and the money you spend on her preventing you from seeing friends at the moment but work and family commitments. If your friends don't understand that, they're not true friends. If you can't make the brunch in Feb, could you suggest meeting your friends somewhere in between for lunch instead? That should be a bit cheaper, cut down on travel costs (and having to stay in London the night before if that's what brunch would have required) and you could be back in time to work in the evening. It will also put the onus on them to make some effort to meet you half way (literally and metaphorically).

I like that, and did consider this option, but wasn't sure if it is a bit cheeky to say? I feel like it sounds lazy like I can't come to you but will you meet me? But it's literally half way so it shouldn't be an issue if she is my actual friend?? I think at this point I am over thinking and worrying too much. I defo need to dig out the 'Good Vibes Only' book again.

 

[Widgeon]

It actually sounds like it's not the horse and the money you spend on her preventing you from seeing friends at the moment but work and family commitments. If your friends don't understand that, they're not true friends. If you can't make the brunch in Feb, could you suggest meeting your friends somewhere in between for lunch instead?

Totally agree with this. Are your friends all still London based? If they are, and you're not, that's a lot of time and money to spend on travelling in an out of town - I'd be a little bit disappointed that they don't understand that. I have a dozen or so good friends scattered all over the country (and some overseas) so I have to be quite tactical in what "dos" I go to - I'll usually only go if I'll see a few people there (not just one or two) or if a particularly close friend is going, or it happens to be relatively close to me. Can you try to pick a few events a year that you make a big effort to get to? Honestly, a really good meet up two or three times a year is doing quite well once you're working hard, looking after the horse, maintaining a good relationship with your partner (and his parents!) *and* saving for a house. That sounds really tragic doesn't it.....but it's true

 

[Lucky Snowball]

Could you agree an event / date when you'll visit. Explain about the horse ie care, clinics, vet checks, competitions and send regular photos and updates, results etc on social media so they know you're thinking of them.

 

[Trinket12]

That's the same as me, 6 girls from uni, and 1 bff from primary school and the other girl who also shares the horsey life. Some of the uni girls already have their mortgages (they were able to save at home, my mum moved away when I was 21 so was left to fend for myself). The past year I have been living with my bf and his parents actually saving.

I absolutely understand what you're saying re not go out competing, I only started in September, and have done 3 so far. Won't be this month or next due to Christmas (visiting mum in Ireland plus flight plus covid tests plus not being able to work the weekend as it is xmas eve /day). I am also away with main job for a week end of Jan, so will lose cash there too so I already know competing won't be an option again until March / April.

It's one particular friends' birthday at the beginning of Feb, and when I missed the first birthday brunch in May this year due to me back working weekends she gave me a bollocking and said how disappointing it was that I'm missing it etc. Ironically she didn't attend my birthday in July due to her having family commitments the night before. I don't want to upset her by not coming, but I need to work consistently for a couple months until I'll be financially comfortable again. Or should I just go and
suck up the costs?? I don't know.

To me, the friend that got mad at you but didn’t show up for your birthday is a little self centered. Yes it can be disappointing and annoying when people bail, but it’s also a fact of life. I’d be taking a look at that friendship and being honest with yourself on who makes the effort in that friendship?

I tried really hard before COVID to maintain all my friendships, checking in with everyone, arranging get togethers and showing up to everything. It was exhausting!

When COVID happened, I realized I didn’t enjoy that much socializing, what I did enjoy was riding and spending time with my horse buddies. Most of my friends have kids and I don’t, so with some what we had in common (nights out mainly!) didn’t exist anymore, I wanted to talk horses and they want to talk kids ?

I have pared back my time and I focus on friends who make as much effort with me as I do with them. Time with friends should be nice, it should give you energy not take away and there needs to be give and take.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing with your friends, choose the events you want to go to and can afford, and if anyone gets mad at you about that, how good a friend are they really?

 

[Hanno Verian]

I get where you are coming from completely, you quite literally live in a different world to your friends from university days, to a degree you have moved on where as they havent.
Your friends are people, people arent perfect, we all have different priorities and perspectives, you have taken on the commitment of a horse and embraced or re-embraced that life, your friends may have no idea what that means. Why dont you try and organise a country weekend for your friends, see if they can get an air bnb, make it a very country experience,. which if they are townies will be very novel for them. If you get the chance introduce them to your horse so they see him/her as a person not a thing, its a shame they cant get to see you go XC or jump a course, so they would get an idea of what the commitment/involvement is, the fact that you dont just open a cupboard and pull a fully tacked up horse out, to go do something then put it back in the box and walk away.
If they are truely your friends they will be happy for you that you have such a rewarding hobby/sport/passtime and support you and your choices, or at least understand them. If they are too self centred to understand what is important to you then perhaps its time to move on.

 

[HeyMich]

My Gran used to say that friends will be with you for 'a season, a reason, or a lifetime'. Sounds like the 'season/reason' may have run its course... If they are 'lifetime' friends, then they will understand and support you, even from afar.

 

[MissMay]

I was in this boat a year ago. And my other half said once every 2 months just put 60-100 less in saving and spend it doing stuff with your friends. Because at the end of the day that 600 a year is not going to be the reason you can't get a house, but you dont want to isolate yourself. You suggest lunch or breakfast for a Sunday morning meet up it's cheaper and you actually get to catch up. Or a takeout and wine in someone's house you do need to make compromises and come with alternatives

Say no enough times and people just stop asking.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I get where you are coming from completely, you quite literally live in a different world to your friends from university days, to a degree you have moved on where as they havent.
Your friends are people, people arent perfect, we all have different priorities and perspectives, you have taken on the commitment of a horse and embraced or re-embraced that life, your friends may have no idea what that means. Why dont you try and organise a country weekend for your friends, see if they can get an air bnb, make it a very country experience,. which if they are townies will be very novel for them. If you get the chance introduce them to your horse so they see him/her as a person not a thing, its a shame they cant get to see you go XC or jump a course, so they would get an idea of what the commitment/involvement is, the fact that you dont just open a cupboard and pull a fully tacked up horse out, to go do something then put it back in the box and walk away.
If they are truely your friends they will be happy for you that you have such a rewarding hobby/sport/passtime and support you and your choices, or at least understand them. If they are too self centred to understand what is important to you then perhaps its time to move on.

I love this idea.. I never thought to actually invite them as I assumed they'd just say no. I could always invite them to a show on a Sunday for them to see and get lunch after. Like you and everyone is saying, friendships are give & take so why not! Will definitely suggest this when the days are a bit brighter and warmer.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I was in this boat a year ago. And my other half said once every 2 months just put 60-100 less in saving and spend it doing stuff with your friends. Because at the end of the day that 600 a year is not going to be the reason you can't get a house, but you dont want to isolate yourself. You suggest lunch or breakfast for a Sunday morning meet up it's cheaper and you actually get to catch up. Or a takeout and wine in someone's house you do need to make compromises and come with alternatives

Say no enough times and people just stop asking.

That's exactly it!

Funnily enough, one of the girls lives up in the midlands and she hosted a curry & wine night at hers and this was the event we all made it to! I am not opposed to doing smaller bits at all, just managing the long distance and 'out out' boozy occassions which it always seems to be.

 

[Deltofe2493]

Could you agree an event / date when you'll visit. Explain about the horse ie care, clinics, vet checks, competitions and send regular photos and updates, results etc on social media so they know you're thinking of them.

I said to myself in COVID when I started to save that I will only go out for birthdays, but that is starting to prove impossible. Coming from everyone's advice, I need to stop worrying over birthdays and big day outs, but make the effort where I can and real friends will understand.

ALWAYS posting on social media! She is my pride and joy!

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I think you just need to care less about social pressure.

It’s one of the things I love most about my thirties. I have taken a huge step back from my social life and I invest my time, effort and money into the people that matter the most, my home and my horses.

In my twenties, I placed a huge amount of pressure on myself to be at every social occasion. I would sometimes do three different social events in an evening - I’d pop in for drinks somewhere, meet friends out for dinner, then make an appearance at some or other party. I was constantly exhausted, doing things that I thought were important to other people or to how others viewed me.

I’d highly recommend making that shift - I have never been happier. I did lose some friends along the way - some I know we will reconnect again when I’m in a different place, some I won’t and I’m ok with that. But the relationships that really do matter to me are stronger than ever, and that’s such an important thing.

 

[Deltofe2493]

I think you just need to care less about social pressure.

It’s one of the things I love most about my thirties. I have taken a huge step back from my social life and I invest my time, effort and money into the people that matter the most, my home and my horses.

In my twenties, I placed a huge amount of pressure on myself to be at every social occasion. I would sometimes do three different social events in an evening - I’d pop in for drinks somewhere, meet friends out for dinner, then make an appearance at some or other party. I was constantly exhausted, doing things that I thought were important to other people or to how others viewed me.

I’d highly recommend making that shift - I have never been happier. I did lose some friends along the way - some I know we will reconnect again when I’m in a different place, some I won’t and I’m ok with that. But the relationships that really do matter to me are stronger than ever, and that’s such an important thing.

Yes I agree. I was exactly the same and suffered from serious burnout. I have to say, I took complete advantage of the lockdowns as the only thing to do was focus on myself. I was on furlough/flexi-furlough, so took up running for a few months and then riding. Read a few books and had some lovely chilled weekends and early nights.

The comments on this thread has shown me I'm not an a**hole, just someone who is on a different path to others which is completely ok. Thanks for everyone's input, I feel a hell of a lot better!

 

[Hanno Verian]

I love this idea.. I never thought to actually invite them as I assumed they'd just say no. I could always invite them to a show on a Sunday for them to see and get lunch after. Like you and everyone is saying, friendships are give & take so why not! Will definitely suggest this when the days are a bit brighter and warmer.

I think that they would love that, it might take a bit of organisation, but it could be a real eye opener for your friends you'll need someone to manage them for you whilst you're doing your horsey bit so you can concentrate but it could be a lot of fun too.

 

[SO1]

I am still in contact with uni friends from 30 years ago.

We all have different budgets and time constraints and live in different parts of the country but still manage to see each other.

We normally work to whoever has least money. Some of the wealthier friends sometime contribute more by paying for meals or tickets for things. Last time we stayed over a friends house who had lots of space. We recognise we are not equal and try and meet once a year all together. If you all want to make it happen and keep in touch it will work.

One of my friends lives in Cornwall so we don't see her often but as the rest of us live in the S.E. she normally does the travelling to meet the rest of us once a year.

 

[spotty_pony]

Is non-horsey friends actually a thing?! I wouldn’t know! ?

 

[blitznbobs]

Id be invlined to invite them to me for a lunch / dinner at your place… put the boot on the other foot, so to speak . You could show them your new life or not when they are with you… but youd see them with out travelling and you could make lunch or go to the local pub etc …