Not exactly horsy but advice needed - pregnancy question

[angela_l_b]

I have no idea what to do. Just found out I am pregnant, my husband has been made redundant, I have 2 horses (one a 4 year old who will need consistent work) as well as working full time and being generally busy.

It was sort of planned - as in early in the year we thought it would be fun, without really thinking through everything it meant. Now I just feel hugely depressed. I don't like children, we had nephews staying at the weekend and they were hideous - loud, needy, and I was just watching them thinking, I don't want to spend my life looking after something like that. I actually only like horses and dogs.

It isn't helped by knowing that just to pay our mortgage I actually can't take time off work. Even when my husband gets another job his salary doesn't even cover it, I earn more than he does and I would probably have to find a nursery and put the kid there as soon as it's born. Not really fair on the child, either.

I don't know if I am hormonal, over-emotional and lots of people go through this feeling that if I have it, life will be over. Or if I really just don't want it. I know everyone says your own are different but I can't imagine liking a child. I can't believe I got into this mess having always said i didn't want any; I feel like I had a couple of months of madness and have done something awful.

I don't really want to have to sell my young horse and give up everything that I work really hard for, to have a baby I don't want much and still have to carry on working hard. Is this normal?

I know I probably sound horrible, selfish and greedy. Actually i just want to cry all the time. I still think it's better not to have it if I won't give it a nice life (and it takes second place to the animals). But maybe I'd adore it, I just don't know it yet. Has anyone else had these feelings?

Sorry so long.

 

[scotsmare]

((((((Hugs))))))))) you have hormone overload at the moment which never helps with trying to make a decision!

Ultimately only you and your husband can decide whether or not you carry on with the pregnancy but presumably you still have a little while to talk this through.

It's quite natural to think that you will be a rubbish parent and TBH I hate other peoples kids too but adore my daughter!

 

[Pilib]

I haven't had these feelings and been pregnant but I have these feeling EXACTLY these feelings when I think about getting pregnant!!!

I am really not interested in children and exactly like you said I only really want horses and dogs!! I am the main earner, work full time, I only have one horse but sometimes that feels like too much so I can't imagine what it would be like if I had a child to manage too.

I am sure there are lots of people on this forum that will be able to give you advice on what it is actually like to manage children, horses and life! But think about how great it would be to have a horsy child, going to shows together, taking them to pony club and watching them progress. That'd be amazing!

(((( Hugs )))) to you during a difficult time. X

 

[The Bouncing Bog Trotter]

Only one word for it...hormones!

The emotions you are going through are totally normal as the enormity of what lies ahead hits you. You can manage horses and babies - there are lots of posts on here that will show you that.

Don't worry about not liking other people's kids - that's quite normal too! Others will be far more eloquent than me so read what people say.

Please don't panic, your life isn't over....a far more exciting chapter is about to start.

PM if you want to talk more (I've got 3 under 4(!) and 3 neds, 2 dogs...

 

[Syrah]

Echo what everyone else has said - hormones.

It's a life changing thing and the enormity of it all is bound to freak you out.

It will all work out in the end.

I was in a similar position finance wise with both of my 2 children. My salary was the higher one and kept us in this house. I was made redundant in March only 3 months after having my 2nd baby.

Once I'd got over the panic and sat and worked things out, it all came good in the end.

Don't forget Tax Credits, Child Benefit. Every penny helps.

As for your 4 yr old, is there anyone who can ride him/her just to keep him/her going?

I did sell my 4 year old because of finances, I had lost my confidence anyway and would not have risked riding her whilst pregnant. I didn't have anyone who could ride her and couldn't afford to pay anyone. Plus the cost of keeping her

However, there will be a day in the not too distant future where I will have another horse. I've got first shout on my mare if her new owner ever sells her and I'll have her back like a shot.

Give yourself time to let it all sink in. Sit down and think of things calmly rather than in a panic as you are now and most importantly, accept help.

 

[Divasmum]

A surprise preganancy always churns up a mixture of emotions. Is there anyone you can talk to such as your doctor or a nurse at the surgery. You do not have to go through with the pregnancy if you do not want to but also need to make the right decision for you at this stage. All the best and I am sure you can PM any of us if you need support/help.

 

[JLD]

yes. when I found out I was pregnant even though we had been trying and planned it I went through times feeling I had made the worst decision ever that i would regret for ever I felt really guilty about not being happy and exited but I wasnt and got really down. hormones do horrible things to you but it is also time of huge emotional change and the future suddenly is very different to how it was. it is probably only in the last few weeks that I have been able to see the positive side of things. I dont really like other peoples children much either !! talk to people I found out lots of my friends had felt like this too. talk to your partner as he probably is going through the mill too. the worst thing thing is feeling alone. I'm going to have to go back to work full time too and yes I feel guilty about it but no situation is perfect and children cope. I feel awfull about having my horse on part livery rather than diy too for the same reasons !! you are not alone in your feelings as you will find out from your post and the answers

 

[glamourpuss]

I know where exactly you are coming from so huge (((hugs))) from me. Its a bloody frightening thought becoming a mum and it really does have such an impact on your life as a woman.

I was eventing and had entered my horse for his first intermediate when I found out I was expecting my son. Although we didn't have the problem that you do with my husbands job, I was also worried about giving up my career and my horses.

You can make things work, I tried to get sharers but they were either not good enough or Chance decided to ditch them and they never came back

so in the end I just rode him myself until I was 30 weeks (I only stopped then because my bump got too big to get on and off

) I then turned my boy out for a holiday.
I was back in the saddle 10 days after the birth of my son, I exclusively breastfed and took my son everywhere with me. I used to ride in the school whilst he slept at the side in his buggy.

As for going back to work and putting the child in nursery, why not? I absolutely love my days at work, talking to other adults, drinking a hot brew being a 'grown up' again instead of a mummy. My son has been in nursery 3 days a week since he was 6 months old and it has been the best thing for him as well. He is sociable and outgoing. At nursery he gets to do all the fun things like painting, paper mache etc the things I don't have the time or inclination to do.

As for not liking the other kids, that is perfectly normal. Me and my hubby have a saying 'Kids are like farts, you only like your own

'

 

[silverbreeze]

I mean this in least offensive way possible; to those of you who have said you don't like children but have thought about getting pregnant etc.. Why? Why would you bring a child into the world if you don't want one?

 

[Bowen4Horses]

[ QUOTE ]
I mean this in least offensive way possible; to those of you who have said you don't like children but have thought about getting pregnant etc.. Why? Why would you bring a child into the world if you don't want one?

[/ QUOTE ]

because i think, no matter how much you want one... your body suddenly releases a surge of very bizarre hormones.

to the OP, can i just say, i HATE kids. when my friends come to stay, i HATE their children. most of them are obnoxious and brats. however, i adore my own children.

i think lots of women panic at the start of pregnancy, and worry they won't be good mums. in fact, when my first son was born, i spent the first few weeks in a strange 'oh god, i'm a fraud' trance. but it all sorts itself out.

you wait. wait until your scan when you see it's little wiggly fingers. wait until it starts wiggling around. wait til you start buying cute little clothes... you'll start to feel excited.

i'm pregnant with my third at the moment. and there are days like today when the sun is beating down and i wish to god i was out galloping on a beach. but... i know that i just have to wait. i'm lucky, my horse is safe and rideable. i wouldn't ride if he wasn't. if you don't think you'll be able to keep riding. then maybe find someone to do the riding side of things for you. i have a friend come to jump my horse as i can't jump at the mo, and i feel horrible watching her, but i just make sure i'm there every time she rides. and i'm the one who tacks him up, grooms him, feeds him etc. so he knows i'm still his mummy!

and when the baby is born, she will sit in her pushchair and nap at the side of the school whilst i whizz around! my kids help groom, today my two year old mucked out for me (badly) and then plodded round on my horse as a part of his 'cool down'.

having children will change your life, it will also change your horsey life. you might find you suddenly want to buy a shetland and enter 'cutest pony' classes at shows... but you won't mind in the slightest!

 

[angela_l_b]

Thanks for all the supportive replies... I do feel a little better about it, though still not sure that carrying on with this is the best idea for everyone.

But still, it's good to know other people feel the same and that their own kids turn out ok!

In reply about why you try for a baby when you don't really want one - it can be very complicated! I know my husband would like it, although he's brilliant about not pressuring me, but it does make me think that I should - it's so unfair on him never to have any just cos I am selfish and prefer my horse. And I think I would like them later on - when they are about 8 or so - but I really don't relish the thought of the early bit with babies and toddlers. So it can sometimes all add up to me feeling like I want them, and at other times to - hell, not in a million years!

 

[Hippona]

Oh God...completley agree with the 'other peoples kids' thing...even close friends kids I can take or leave- I was never a really maternal person, but yes, I suppose its the old biology thing isn't it?
Your own children you love unconditionally, even on the days when you don't actually like them very much because they have been going out their way to piss you off ( 11 year old wind-up merchant tormenting his 6year old sister......you get the picture!!)

Yes....sleepless nights, taking the entire contents of the kitchen out with you everywhere you go, and being covered in vomit ain't great.....but theres loads of stuff to make up for it......fingers/toes...baby smiles...and as they get older they develop into their own personalties, my kids have me in stitches on a daily basis......you can just up and off and have adventures with them, sometimes its an excuse to go down the log-flume and have a water-fight.....

BTW...you can also train them to do stuff......make cups of tea, muck out and empty wheelbarrows........we tell our eldest thats why we had him, to make tea

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Tickles]

Can you try to remember how it felt when you decided to get pregnant? Not preventing it IS planning it and you'll have had strong reasons for doing so. Most of those will still apply, redundancy is very nearly always a temporary issue.

Focus on the facts. They are something stable thing to grab hold of.

And if the reasons for having it don't outweigh those for termination, try to be decisive soon. By the time of a 12 week scan (actually a bit before) you're already talking about a recognisable human form. Much less traumatic for all if you can make the decision quickly.

Which royal was it who got in trouble for says something along the lines of the English spend more time worrying about breeding their dogs & horses than they do themselves? Plenty of people approach parenthood/termination with very little thought at all. Whatever you decide at least you'll have considered it carefully which, unfortunately, already puts you ahead of the curve.

Best of luck!