Not fitting in at livery

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

I feel like I’m not fitting in very well at my livery yard and I don’t know what to do as I love the facilities and they take great care of my horse.

I’ve only been there since last August and recently I feel like there’s a shift in the atmosphere and nobody is really talking to me and I can’t put my finger on why. As far as I know I’ve stuck to the rules, and I’m always considerate about not stepping on peoples toes and always asking permission before using shared yard equipment or sharing the arena’s with somebody already using it. I’ve asked a lot of advice from the yard manager over the months so perhaps she thinks I’m pestering her a bit too much?
I will also ask the other staff about my horse when I see them, e.g if he’s been out in the field that day, if he’s been on the walker, exactly what he’s fed so I don’t clash with adding supplements (his main feed is part of the livery), does that sounds like I’m coming off as demanding? I’m only enquiring about what he’s up to when I’m not there as he’s on full livery.
I also feel that others are judging me because my horse isn’t a competition horse and all of theirs are, including the owners, although I’m trying to school him slowly through the winter so we can compete at low level as soon as we’re able to.

I don’t know how to feel and wondering if I’m just overthinking it, I also don’t feel that I can speak to the owner about how I’m feeling, not because she’s not approachable but I don’t want to make something out of nothing if I am overthinking.

 

[Winters100]

Poor you. It is not a nice feeling when you think you don't fit in.

But I would say that maybe you are overthinking, and it might be that people are not talking just because they are busy.

I really doubt that they are judging you because you are not competing - on our yard we have every standard from a keen beginner with her first horse to Grand Prix dressage and professional polo - most of us sit somewhere in the middle - and we all rub along just fine.

It may also be that because you are anxious you don't appear to be approachable. I would say that when you go tomorrow remind yourself how much you love your hobby, have a big smile on your face, and just have a little (socially distanced) chat with someone. You will probably find that they are friendlier than you imagine.

Regarding asking staff about your horse I think it is important that you don't make them feel that you are 'checking up' too much. Presumably he is fed the same meal at the same time every day, so unless you have reason to think this is not the case then I would assume that it is done.

Just relax, and I think you will find that when you are more cheerful that people will also find you more approachable.

Good luck!

 

[Muddywellies]

I totally agree with the above. I suspect they are just busy. (it's not a social club and people quite often simply don't have time to stand and chat). You sound like a lovely livery and they probably think quite highly of you. I think you're worrying needlessly. Carry on as you are, but remember on busy yards, time is money.

 

[dreamcometrue]

You haven’t been at the yard for very long and I think it often takes a good few months to really settle in. I think perhaps you may be a bit lonely if you don’t already know anyone at the yard. The whole lockdown and COVID distancing way of life over the past year has made it even more difficult for making new friends so hopefully when things ease up a bit over the summer you will develop friendships. People will be riding more too. Maybe ask your YO for help in arranging people to hack with as that is a great way to get to know people.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

I totally agree with the above. I suspect they are just busy. (it's not a social club and people quite often simply don't have time to stand and chat). You sound like a lovely livery and they probably think quite highly of you. I think you're worrying needlessly. Carry on as you are, but remember on busy yards, time is money.

Thank you both for your input, in regards to the feed question I should have specified that I only asked that the one time before I bought supplements to add in, but when I ask other questions I’m just wondering how my horse is doing and what he’s been up to as I can only see him 4 times a week and the horses don’t really have a set field schedule so he may not go out for a few days at a time, so in that respect I’m also wondering how fresh he’s going to be before riding lol.

And this is the thing, a lot of the other liveries do tend to stand around chatting, or going out hacking with each other, but nobody seems to approach me or ask me to go out anymore and I don’t know why. I also keep getting reminded of the yard rules recently which I never actually break, and being asked to let the staff know what days I’ll be going to the yard even though I’m there at the same days/times every week, and will always say to the staff “see you (whatever day)” before leaving.

So either I’m overthinking or there’s a breakdown in communication or I’ve done something wrong without realising.

 

[dreamcometrue]

Is everyone on full livery at your yard? Are those who are chatting in groups on DIY?

 

[Winters100]

You know sometimes how we say things can make a big difference. If someone reminded me of a rule that I always kept to I would just reply 'yes, I always do this, did you think that I did not?', but in a very friendly manner and with a smile so they knew that I was not offended.

To me no set field schedule does not sound ideal. Where I am there is a schedule, and if something changes (for example huge weather problem) then we receive an sms at turning out time (dawn) so we can plan how we want to manage our horses and inform YO if we need assistance. I don't see how it works if you go 4 times a week but he may be in for 3 days, because unless they are exercising him you would need to be there.

You said that no one chats or asks you to hack anymore, so I take it that they did previously. If you have someone who you previously chatted with could you just ask them (in a relaxed and friendly way) if you have upset them?

You sound like a nice person, so I would not worry too much. They are probably just busy, but evein if not then just be friendly and positive - no one stays angry forever!

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Is everyone on full livery at your yard? Are those who are chatting in groups on DIY?

Yes everyone is on full, it’s the only option.

 

[HappyHollyDays]

Just ask them. If you have unwittingly broken some rule rather than second guessing and feeling upset all the time just ask if you have done something wrong.

 

[Bob notacob]

trust me on this , if you were on a bad yard you would absolutely know. You are just experiencing the jitters . Your horse is your baby and you are in full protective mode. Everyone else around you also feels the same. I am 65 ,had horses all my life , am totally paranoid when it comes to Bob.

 

[Shysmum]

I really sympathise with you. I've been made to feel very uncomfortable on some yards, but I think it was because I'd been an RSPCA inspector. I had to leave several. I hope you find somewhere you're comfortable, be it this yard x

 

[Bob notacob]

trust me on this , if you were on a bad yard you would absolutely know. You are just experiencing the jitters . Your horse is your baby and you are in full protective mode. Everyone else around you also feels the same. I am 65 ,had horses all my life , am totally paranoid when it comes to Bob.

PS, Bob is totally paranoid when it comes to pigeons

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

You know sometimes how we say things can make a big difference. If someone reminded me of a rule that I always kept to I would just reply 'yes, I always do this, did you think that I did not?', but in a very friendly manner and with a smile so they knew that I was not offended.

To me no set field schedule does not sound ideal. Where I am there is a schedule, and if something changes (for example huge weather problem) then we receive an sms at turning out time (dawn) so we can plan how we want to manage our horses and inform YO if we need assistance. I don't see how it works if you go 4 times a week but he may be in for 3 days, because unless they are exercising him you would need to be there.

You said that no one chats or asks you to hack anymore, so I take it that they did previously. If you have someone who you previously chatted with could you just ask them (in a relaxed and friendly way) if you have upset them?

You sound like a nice person, so I would not worry too much. They are probably just busy, but evein if not then just be friendly and positive - no one stays angry forever!

Yes I usually just reply with a no problem when I get reminded.
The fields are quite restricted during the winter, and all horses are on full livery so the staff are in charge of turning out, and I like to believe that he’s on some decent turnout time now weather permitting, and my weeks usually work out that I see him on Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekend, he’ll be turned out as often as the weather permits as we’ve had a lot of storms and snow recently, and they don’t have a floodlit arena so I’m unable to ride everyday after work in the winter, but come summertime I can see him every day.

Yes they’ve stopped doing those things for some reason, but as you said I could message one of the other ladies to find out if I’ve upset anyone, I just feel awkward as all of the other liveries have been there for years!

 

[dreamcometrue]

One of the best ways to become well liked at a yard is to ask people about their horse, be interested in their horse and what they do with their horse and say nice things about their horse. ?

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

One of the best ways to become well liked at a yard is to ask people about their horse, be interested in their horse and what they do with their horse and say nice things about their horse. ?

I actually do that all the time ? All of the horses on the yard are beautiful, and I’m always interested in what they’re getting up to and complimenting them, I used to get questions back but now not so much!

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Just ask them. If you have unwittingly broken some rule rather than second guessing and feeling upset all the time just ask if you have done something wrong.

I think I will have to soon as it’s really getting to me and I don’t want to change yards.

 

[Muddywellies]

Thank you both for your input, in regards to the feed question I should have specified that I only asked that the one time before I bought supplements to add in, but when I ask other questions I’m just wondering how my horse is doing and what he’s been up to as I can only see him 4 times a week and the horses don’t really have a set field schedule so he may not go out for a few days at a time, so in that respect I’m also wondering how fresh he’s going to be before riding lol.

And this is the thing, a lot of the other liveries do tend to stand around chatting, or going out hacking with each other, but nobody seems to approach me or ask me to go out anymore and I don’t know why. I also keep getting reminded of the yard rules recently which I never actually break, and being asked to let the staff know what days I’ll be going to the yard even though I’m there at the same days/times every week, and will always say to the staff “see you (whatever day)” before leaving.

So either I’m overthinking or there’s a breakdown in communication or I’ve done something wrong without realising.

Ah OK, so others stand around chatting. That indeed, can cause awkwardness. I think you're doing fine as you are and it can be hard being the new person, especially if (like me) you're on the shy side. Do you feel comfortable asking one of them if they fancy going for a hack? Can you engineer a situation (tack cleaning perhaps) where you are in the same room with someone, and start a conversation? Could you sometimes take a packet of biscuits. Of you can get those huge bags of pick n mix online. Leave them in a communal area with a note saying. 'Help yourselves. From Gertrude and Dobbin x'. Treats always help break the ice (I do it often). Keep sming, but without pestering, persevere. I'm sure you'll crack the ice eventually.

Ps. Mine is on full livery and sometimes I think I'm verging on micromanaging. You're perfectly entitled to ask questions.

 

[Muddywellies]

I actually do that all the time ? All of the horses on the yard are beautiful, and I’m always interested in what they’re getting up to and complimenting them, I used to get questions back but now not so much!

Don't idolise/worship them though. They are no better than you and you're all liveries paying the same amount. . Yours will be equally as beautiful!

 

[FlyingCircus]

Are you actually fun to ride with!? I have to admit, I end up picking those I'm really friendly with at the ysrd based on if we enjoy doing the same things. If I want to go for a gallop and you just want to walk everywhere...we generally drift apart and will talk less because of it.

That said, I'm not rude to anyone and will say hi etc to everyone. Just only proactively plan to ride with the ones who I enjoy riding with.

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Ah OK, so others stand around chatting. That indeed, can cause awkwardness. I think you're doing fine as you are and it can be hard being the new person, especially if (like me) you're on the shy side. Do you feel comfortable asking one of them if they fancy going for a hack? Can you engineer a situation (tack cleaning perhaps) where you are in the same room with someone, and start a conversation? Could you sometimes take a packet of biscuits. Of you can get those huge bags of pick n mix online. Leave them in a communal area with a note saying. 'Help yourselves. From Gertrude and Dobbin x'. Treats always help break the ice (I do it often). Keep sming, but without pestering, persevere. I'm sure you'll crack the ice eventually.

Ps. Mine is on full livery and sometimes I think I'm verging on micromanaging. You're perfectly entitled to ask questions.

Sometimes I will go to the group to chat and just be part of the conversation or try to be at least, and other times I’ll get on with grooming or tacking up if I’m running short on time so hopefully that’s not coming across as me ignoring them! And we have a livery Facebook group and I asked if anybody wanted to go hacking one weekend and got completely ignored, I felt comfortable asking up until recently, although I did hack out with one of the girls the other day which was nice, I did want to open up to her about how I was feeling but held back, the biscuits/sweets idea is great though I’ll definitely do that soon!

Like I said I only ask questions about how he’s doing really, I never want any of the staff to feel like I’m questioning their care so I probably come off as awkward too as I half explain that I’m only wondering what he’s been up to haha!

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

Are you actually fun to ride with!? I have to admit, I end up picking those I'm really friendly with at the ysrd based on if we enjoy doing the same things. If I want to go for a gallop and you just want to walk everywhere...we generally drift apart and will talk less because of it.

That said, I'm not rude to anyone and will say hi etc to everyone. Just only proactively plan to ride with the ones who I enjoy riding with.

Well I haven’t really been given the chance to show if I am fun or not tbh! I’m quite easy going, if someone wants to have a gallop on the mountain I’m more than happy to, and if they just want a stroll on the road then that’s fine too, in terms of riding together in the arena’s though there’s not much opportunity to pair up and practice jumping or just having fun with the horses and playing around.

 

[FireCracker238]

Are you actually fun to ride with!? I have to admit, I end up picking those I'm really friendly with at the ysrd based on if we enjoy doing the same things. If I want to go for a gallop and you just want to walk everywhere...we generally drift apart and will talk less because of it.

That said, I'm not rude to anyone and will say hi etc to everyone. Just only proactively plan to ride with the ones who I enjoy riding with.

This^^
When they used to invite you did you accept their offers?

I never fit in at yards either, but I'm an anti social auld goat which probably explains it ??

 

[FireCracker238]

X posted, sorry ?‍

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

This^^
When they used to invite you did you accept their offers?

I never fit in at yards either, but I'm an anti social auld goat which probably explains it ??

I’d accept if I could make it at the time they were going! Haha come to my yard, we can be the outcasts together! I like to think I’m not anti-social at all though, I smile and say hello to everyone!

 

[Lady2021]

I have experienced that in the previous yard especially when there expensive horses are involved. we don’t have a mad expensive horses. So We very Judge as a result .

 

[FireCracker238]

I’d accept if I could make it at the time they were going! Haha come to my yard, we can be the outcasts together! I like to think I’m not anti-social at all though, I smile and say hello to everyone!

If I'm honest I think it was yards that made me anti social. I've always been quiet and kept myself to myself, but I'd do the same as you and always smile and be polite but its tiring when the niceties only go one way.

It sounds like you're trying your best, just keep chipping away, as others have said you've not been there that long. Fingers x'ed that things improve for you ??

 

[ScarlettRonan_xo]

If I'm honest I think it was yards that made me anti social. I've always been quiet and kept myself to myself, but I'd do the same as you and always smile and be polite but its tiring when the niceties only go one way.

It sounds like you're trying your best, just keep chipping away, as others have said you've not been there that long. Fingers x'ed that things improve for you ??

I’m sorry to hear that, but as long as you’re happy and so is your horse that’s the main thing! And thank you! ?

 

[Winters100]

Well I haven’t really been given the chance to show if I am fun or not tbh! I’m quite easy going, if someone wants to have a gallop on the mountain I’m more than happy to, and if they just want a stroll on the road then that’s fine too, in terms of riding together in the arena’s though there’s not much opportunity to pair up and practice jumping or just having fun with the horses and playing around.

I think you are doing fine. Don't be offended if people don't want to ride together in the arena, I like pretty much everyone on our yard but still go super early to be able to train alone, or with one of the few people who trains same discipline / pace as me. Equally one of my best friends has been asking me for weeks to hack, but I have been working on fitness so just have not found a good time. At this time of year a lot of people are thinking about next season, getting horses ready and wanting to focus on fitness and ironing out problems - it is much more likely that this is the cause of no one wanting to hack than anything else.

 

[honetpot]

I think its just that time of year, its wet, muddy and even if you are not wet and muddy you just want to get on and go. I like a chat but when its grey and over cast it saps the life out of you. If they are competition horses they probably are worried about putting miles on the clock, to keep them fit, and feeling a bit fed up, because there is nowhere to go.
Last lock down it was spring, and our RC did lots of little fun things, so everyone was kept interested, this time it's just harder. We all need some sun and some dry weather.

 

[Muddywellies]

Having read your responses I think you're really trying. Its just 'newgirlitis' I think. Established groups can be tricky to crack. I'd get the sweeties then perhaps back off. Let them come to you. Be warm and friendly, but don't actively seek conversations. I could be wrong and it may backfire, but worth considering perhaps? BTW, I've put on our messenger group about hacking before and got zero response ?. And sometimes no one speaks to me and I feel awkward, but I know them quite well and so I know it's not me. They are just preoccupied. In your case, I'm sure it isn't you. You're just the new person.