Not ready for new Dog. Yet!!!

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windseywoo

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I will try to keep this short but need some advice. In November of last year our four year old border collie dog died after a relatively short illness. It was a complete surprise that we lost him and it completely knocked me for six. I had found him three years earlier along a bridlepath whilst a friend and myself were riding our horses and after taking him to our local dogs home to make sure he wasn't claimed we bought him home. He settled in well with our other dog and was basically adored by pretty much everyone. We had lost one dog to old age just before we had him and then in his short time with us we lost our other dog through old age and I had to have my horse put to sleep due to liver failure. Having another younger horse and then my dog, I was hoping that I would not have to go through the trauma of losing another pet for a good number of years and when we decided to move house the hope was once we'd settle in we'd have another dog to keep him company.
When I've lost my other animals I was able to be with them until the end, know that they'd had a good and long life and know that I'd let them go at the right time. However with Brams it was nothing like that, we weren't with him when he died at the vets and as with him being so young it felt just so unfair. I was basically heartbroken and if it hadn't been for my horse I don't know what I'd have done. I couldn't talk about him for months without crying, I had to take time off work due to illness and even rang a mind charity just because some days I felt like I wanted to die ( though I never contemplated suicide). I felt this horrible guilt that we hadn't done enough for him and hadn't pushed the vets more to find the cause of his illness.
Anyway people at the time kept saying that the best way to heal was to get another dog, but I wasn't ready then and more to the point I'm still not ready now, which is the reason I'm posting. My OH is desperate to have another dog and has even started to email me dogs homes with pictures asking what I think and has started to make the new garden dog proof!!! However when I came home from the yard tonight he informed me that we are having a home visit from one of the dogs homes tomorrow and its just got me really upset (again). I do want another dog or two eventually and I've never said over these months that I don't want another dog, but I feel I'm being pushed into it when I'm not ready. I know what I'm like as a person and I can see me comparing it to Brams and that's not fair on the new dog.
So please if anyone's got any advice on how to handle this I'd be very grateful.
 
Hiya, I lost my lovely rescue dog only a week ago. It was very sudden and he went overnight. I have felt really guilty about not being with him at the end despite the fact that I could not possibly have known so I do have some understanding of how you feel.

I'm the sort of person who deals with my grief by getting another dog. We have already started looking although we have agreed not to bring a dog home for a few weeks as we have a long weekend away booked middle of August

All I would say is that it sounds like your Oh is the sort who needs a dog around to move on and be happy. Maybe OH thinks getting a dog might actually help you? All I would say is maybe open your mind. Get the home visit. It doesn't mean you have to get a dog the day after, but once you have been approved you can start meeting dogs and when it feels right you will be in a position to bring one home.

I'm sure your old dog would want another dog to have the opportunity of a great home that he had xxx
 
I really feel for you. its never easy losing them ..before I lost my old dog I thought I would get another straight away but when I lost her aged 14 1/2 I couldn't face even thinking about another for 5 months...I live on my own so only had myself to think about. your OH is obviously wanting another and you may find once you look at a few you will feel more able to face another.....as you are a dog lover you will probably melt when you see THE ONE...good luck
 
I totally know how you feel as I lost my dog of a lifetime just before xmas, she was only 5 and died very suddenly with no warning, I felt all kinds of guilt at the time, not about not doing enough, or not being there as my OH was and I know she had a good life, but more feeling guilty that I almost resented our other dog for being there and not being her, and also guilty that I didnt fall apart after her death like I did when I had to have my mare pts. My OH and I agreed thst we would want another dog at some point but not for some time, my other dog aparently did not feel the same and clearly did not cope as an only dog so we ended up starting the rescue process in February, we didnt get nula till May and on the trip home with her I cried buckets feeling that I was betraying my girl by getting another one but now she is here I dont compare them or anything I just have 2 beautiful dogs that need my love and care. If your OH needs this to help him move on then maybe its worth starting the process, you cant replace your dog but you can love another one.
 
Well after I'd posted on here (haven't told OH I have) we had a chat about it and he was very surprised at how I still felt, but said that he thought I was being very harsh on myself and that he knew I wouldn't compare the dogs negatively. So the lady came round yesterday, had a good look and we filled in the questionnaire. It was all a bit odd for me but the lady was very nice and thought that we'd be able to give a dog (or two!!) a really nice home. So I don't know in myself how I feel about it all, but we shall see. I've blackmailed the OH to be able to have a foal off his mare in a few years if I let him have a dog and so know it seems to be wait and see what is about. I'm sure something will grab us when the time is right and I just hope I don't burst into tears. Thanks to all that replied and good luck with your new and future doggies, though we will never forget the old ones.
 
windseywoo said:
Well after I'd posted on here (haven't told OH I have) we had a chat about it and he was very surprised at how I still felt, but said that he thought I was being very harsh on myself and that he knew I wouldn't compare the dogs negatively. So the lady came round yesterday, had a good look and we filled in the questionnaire. It was all a bit odd for me but the lady was very nice and thought that we'd be able to give a dog (or two!!) a really nice home. So I don't know in myself how I feel about it all, but we shall see. I've blackmailed the OH to be able to have a foal off his mare in a few years if I let him have a dog and so know it seems to be wait and see what is about. I'm sure something will grab us when the time is right and I just hope I don't burst into tears. Thanks to all that replied and good luck with your new and future doggies, though we will never forget the old ones.
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Don't stop yourself bursting into tears...tears are good and only show how much you have loved your animals. The tears tend to overwhelm us when we try too hard and too long to stifle them. Grieve...you lost your dog, it is ok to grieve.

Reading your first post, all I wanted to say was that, as you know you want more in the future...that sometimes you have to just bite the bullet and make yourself do something. That's not always a good idea, but I couldn't read anything in your post that would make me worry about you not taking to a new dog.

Reading your second post, it is clear to me that you are stifling the part of you that wants another dog or two. You sound like you do want a new dog, but don't want to admit it to yourself or accept it.

Possibly the reason for that is that you feel guilty over how your last dog passed and that you feel like you failed him in some way.

Let me be clear on this. You did not fail your dog. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you must learn to accept what happened and forgive yourself for not being there. Not that you need to forgive yourself for doing anything wrong, you didn't. But...you feel bad that you weren't there and no amount of reason or common sense will change that because you loved your dog and you are human...so you must forgive yourself.

The desire and even a little excitement is there inside you, I can "read" it in your last post, so whilst I'm not going to say to jump in and do it...I really do think you should be a little proactive. Spend an hour or two looking at the dogs for re-homing yourself and don't just look at the dog itself. Look at the dog in relation to the life you can give it with the experience you have built up.

If I genuinely thought you weren't ready yet, I wouldn't have said all of that, but I really think you are ready.

Losing a dog can break our hearts into a million little pieces...new dogs can't fix those breaks, but instead they build a whole new heart of love. Don't do it for your other half, so it for you. xxx
 
_GG_ you always post lovely replies on the forums, thank you very much. I do still feel horrendously guilty for (in my opinion) letting my other dog down and for not being there for him at the end, but as said maybe I need a new little pal in my life to love. Crabby, we've also had german shepherds and English pointers before so definitely seem to be pulled towards the working dog breeds and luckily have the space to exercise one or two!!! Just posting is making me feel more positive but tearful at the same time, so in some ways maybe I just needed to write it all down and get it out in the open. I'm sure I'll know when I see the right one.
 
windseywoo said:
_GG_ you always post lovely replies on the forums, thank you very much. I do still feel horrendously guilty for (in my opinion) letting my other dog down and for not being there for him at the end, but as said maybe I need a new little pal in my life to love. Crabby, we've also had german shepherds and English pointers before so definitely seem to be pulled towards the working dog breeds and luckily have the space to exercise one or two!!! Just posting is making me feel more positive but tearful at the same time, so in some ways maybe I just needed to write it all down and get it out in the open. I'm sure I'll know when I see the right one.
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It's just working through it. Trust me, I'm the worst for it. I still haven't been to my cousins grave who died when we were both 14 as I just can't bear to deal with it. I have never even started the grieving process for her and that was 21 years ago now. I've managed to grieve for everyone else we've lost, but not her.

What I have learned over the years though is that sometimes we think too much about things when in actual fact, what we should really do is just let it be. That's all. Be it tears, be it guilt, be it fear, be it excitedness, be it guilt again, be it talking on a forum, be it browsing ads....just let it be. Stop fighting how you feel, give in to it, accept it and suddenly you'll find yourself in a new place :)
 
It's a big step to acknowledge how you feel and as GG says it is the start if the healing process . I had a cat put down a while back and I felt so guilty that I hadn't noticed how thin and ill he'd become. It took me ages to get another because I felt that I was a bad owner and that I'd let him down and didn't deserve to have another cat.
Distance and time has show me that even I'd known I couldn't have done anything about his illness. But it took me some time to recognise that.
 
I lost my dog just before Christmas last year. I have always had German Shepherds and never had a small dog before
I saw a Border terrier on a local rescue site who was found just before Christmas heavily pregnant
She gave birth to 8 pups on New Years day and I ended up with the runt
Don't know the breed of the dad but she is a little brindle Border terrier Cross
I have never had a small dog before let alone a terrier but she never fails to make me smile - she is such a little character
Another thought - maybe now you have had your home check - you could perhaps foster and the right dog will find you?
Anyway good luck !!
 
Just wanted to say that this was a lovely initial (if sad) post and there are some terrific replies on here.
 
Nutrock.. Great suggestion re fostering.
OP. Loads of rescues are desperate for fosterers and you've got the experience. Cyprus rescue are currently looking for foster homes and finding places where they will be the only dog is difficult. Please consider it.and pm me if you want to know more . My boy has advanced to the stage where I can now consider finding him a friend and I'm meeting potential new little sister for him Monday :)
 
I'm so sorry about your dog. The same thing happened to us with our four year old last summer, it was a horrible, horrible shock and I'm still sad about it, particularly as we've just lost our older girl too. But as sad as we were, I don't regret getting a little pup. We waited a few months first, but he is a little bundle of joy. Dogs are such amazing healers of our pain, so I don't think you will compare a new dog with your boy, and neither do I think you will regret getting another one. I doubt the new one would let you :p
 
I lost my beloved dog on the 9th May this year, life is empty without him.

There are three ways this goes


!. time out from another dog till you feel ready ............. weeks/months years/
2. get another one within weeks / months of loosing one as life is harder without some little 4 legged friend to grieve with
3. you wont get another ever

We will get another when we come back from holiday as its unfair to get one this side of going away.

I sympathies with you ..................
 
Well I thought I wouldn't reply too soon as things moved very fast at home!!!! We got the confirmation on the Tuesday that we'd passed the home visit, so then the OH was up to a home near his work on the Wednesday lunch time and told me which he liked and that they'd been reserved. He had picked one off the website, but when he got there took a shine to her kennel mate and decided to have the two! So this morning we have gone to the home and picked up the two girls Elvira and Kimberley. They are very sweet, just over a year old and I actually think they are sisters, even though they have different colouring as physically they are very similar. So they've had today to settle and we definitely couldn't have split them as they take their confidence from each other. Kimberley is more confident with the OH yet Elvira has kept him at more of a distance though I can give her a fuss. They travelled home really well and I have to say there have been no tears (from me) just lots of gentle laughter as they find their way about.
Obviously we'll see how tonight goes in regards to how they sleep, how many accidents we have and then tomoz they'll be meeting more of the extended human family who will be helping with the walking. If all goes to plan and they seem to listen to us we'll take them down the field next weekend and introduce them to my field mates two dogs and the horses!!!!
Thanks for all the positive comments and here's hoping everyone finds their new doggie pals. xx
 
windseywoo said:
Well I thought I wouldn't reply too soon as things moved very fast at home!!!! We got the confirmation on the Tuesday that we'd passed the home visit, so then the OH was up to a home near his work on the Wednesday lunch time and told me which he liked and that they'd been reserved. He had picked one off the website, but when he got there took a shine to her kennel mate and decided to have the two! So this morning we have gone to the home and picked up the two girls Elvira and Kimberley. They are very sweet, just over a year old and I actually think they are sisters, even though they have different colouring as physically they are very similar. So they've had today to settle and we definitely couldn't have split them as they take their confidence from each other. Kimberley is more confident with the OH yet Elvira has kept him at more of a distance though I can give her a fuss. They travelled home really well and I have to say there have been no tears (from me) just lots of gentle laughter as they find their way about.
Obviously we'll see how tonight goes in regards to how they sleep, how many accidents we have and then tomoz they'll be meeting more of the extended human family who will be helping with the walking. If all goes to plan and they seem to listen to us we'll take them down the field next weekend and introduce them to my field mates two dogs and the horses!!!!
Thanks for all the positive comments and here's hoping everyone finds their new doggie pals. xx
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Firstly, this has put a BIG smile on my face. Well done and congratulations.

Secondly.....uh....PICTURES PLEASE :) xxxxxxx
 
Well done! And how lovely that you've got two! I'm hoping to view a pup tomorrow and introduce her to Sam in the hope that he will accept her. He has final say in the matter although as a young male he may well think that a 5 month old out is way beneath his dignity. Hope all the introductions go really well.. Best of luck and don't forget the photos :)
 
lovely to read you have taken on 2 dogs...and so nice that you are able to give your love to another dog(dogs).. definitely piccies please!!!!!
 
Reading that you have two lovely girls brought tears to my eyes. I love a happy ending.

We have also passed a homecheck but we won't be getting our new girlie until the start of September as we are going away in August.
 
I knew it would come down to picture requests!!! As it now means I'm going to have to tell OH I've posted, because I'm absolutely useless when it comes to posting photos!!!!! I've just been reading the other post regarding the Romanian dogs being culled, as it transpires that our two have come from Romania and at the time I would have rather had dogs from here, just because I think there are lots of dogs in the UK that need good homes. However that is a different topic which is why I didn't bring it up earlier. Anyway it has been rather a stressful week with trying to get the girls to settle and figure out the best way to deal with their personalities, but there has been a steady improvement over the time. We haven't taken them down the yard yet as the other introductions are taking a bit longer than anticipated, but hopefully that will happen this week. We've been in touch with the trainer we'll be taking them to at the end of the month for some advice as there have been some issues which is to be expected, so hopefully things will keep getting better. Anyway (not advertising!!) we got them from love underdogs so if you need a picture fix, they are on there as rehomed under Kimberley and Elvira. Will sort out new pictures soon xx
 
Sam has been with me here in the UK for 2 months now.( from Cyprus) It's had its challenges but each week I've seen improvements in levels of anxiety and manners. We are getting there :) as will you. Well done for taking them on and giving them a chance to live again. Please keep posting updates on their progress as I'd love to hear how they develop.
 
Thanks crabby, they are both lying down at the mo whilst I'm typing, OH has been out all afternoon so we've had a girls bonding session. They've been playing in the garden, taken for walks and had lots of fuss. How did you find Sam in Cyprus?
 
So glad to read a happy ending. Sometimes grief drags us down so far that we think we will never re-surface. I have known friends who left getting another dog too long when they lost one, and then ended up never getting another as it seemed harder and harder to do :(

I lost one of my wonderful border collies suddenly at a young age 3 and a half years ago and it was extremely difficult to come to terms with. I think it took me a full two years to get over him. I also had two GSDs and another collie at the time, so the thought of getting another didn't cross my mind until I saw a photo online of a working line GSD that just took my breath away - and so he came home. Look forward to seeing photos of your two.
 
Hello. Its not all been happy!!! We've had issues with the neighbours as they are both very "vocal" dogs shall we say, if we let them off together they just head for the hills so its one on the lead one off, they have caused major disagreements between myself and the OH, they are rather destructive and they are basically still very frightened of anyone else after nearly 7 weeks. We booked them on a training course which started last week so we'll see how that goes and have had a behaviourist out to look at them to find ways to help with the issues. It did get so bad at one stage that I wanted them to go back, but the OH wants to keep them so at the minute they are stopping as I do actually think it will only upset them more. They do have their good points so here's hoping that one day everything just changes for the better, it doesn't help that I'm not as mobile as I need to be which is adding to the problems and that the OH's parents (they would be regularly babysitting) still can't get very near them!!!! At this moment Kim is trying to find anything to destroy.
 
Well I've been off work this week and so have spent a lot of time with them and man when you've got neighbours banging and crashing from 10.00 in a morning until 5.00 then I'm not surprised the girls are upset!!! With the weather being so nice we've been able to get out and about which is helping, they are actually pretty happy dogs when things are nice and quiet.
 
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