Not sure how to title this but needing help after loosing horses

[doodle]

Not sure this is going to make much sense but will try to explain. I lost 2 horses within quick succession a year ago. The first reinjured his tendon in the field we tried box rest but he got colic, tendon then deteriorated further and we were stuck in situation where painkillers were giving him colic, no painkillers was In humane and the fetlock had dropped, he had had enough and was in extreme pain and starting to colic again. Tendon would never heal.
The second somehow got caught in the fence and cut half his hoof off. He was hospitalised and initially vets were confident but Infection spread to the pedal bone, the vets operated and removed all the infected bone leaving a massive hole In His foot. Infection came back into the bone and nothing more could be done, he was very lame and distressed.
Both of these hit me really hard and I still struggle with loosing them and visions of them in huge amounts of pain and on the ground.
I have a new horse now and he is great but I can't stop imagining horrific things happening to him. Every night I am sure I am going to go up to find a broken leg, or he has ripped a leg off in The fence or he will get peritonitis (horse at the yard died from this shortly before minto ) or something else terrible will happen and I will loose him. How do I get over this? I go over and over it and even try to work out how to get out of the field with a broken leg to get him ready for collection people. I can't get over this. Help.

 

[TickyTavey]

Both your losses sound very distressing, sorry you went through them. Try to rationalise your imaginings; it's horrible luck to lose two horses in quick succession, but that doesn't mean more likely to lose another. I think when you process a traumatic event you can project your anxiety on to another subject, in your case, your new horse. It sounds like your anxieties are becoming intrusive if you're constantly thinking about worst case scenarios/replaying versions of their final moments. I don't think it'd be over the top to speak to your gp about this. Hope there's someone you can talk it through in real life too, sometimes helps to just voice your concerns and fears and have someone, not dismiss them, but help you to rationalise them.

 

[GoldenHours]

I really feel for you. I recently lost my mare in a similar scenario to your first loss, i.e. tendon re-injury and complications arising from the box rest which then led to more serious illness and a sharp deterioration in quality of life. I think about it every day and although my head is still full of 'what ifs', I am not suffering the anxieties that you are experiencing. I agree withTickyTavey that it would be worth having a chat with your GP about this. Alternatively, if you have health insurance (eg through an employer) they may offer a confidential counselling service which could be useful. I wish you well - go easy on yourself.

 

[Kaylum]

Massive hugs I had a recent loss and what I did was to distract myself with something else. I now volunteer for a horse charity I am helping with their marketing and it has helped so much.

 

[Equi]

You still sound like you are grieving. Hopefully over time and touch wood nothing happening, you'll settle a bit and start to enjoy your new horse. Just try to remember freak accidents are just that.

 

[poiuytrewq]

So sorry to read this. Life is cruel at times. Maybe try the British Horse society friend at the end scheme? They are brilliant x

 

[Flame_]

Not much help but I know exactly how you feel. I lost my fab, lovely chestnut arab to colic then my little spaniel with a broken leg within a couple of months last year when both were in the prime of life. I don't know of anything I can do differently to stop the same sort of miserable stuff happening in future - I hope it doesn't but that doesn't seem good enough.

My new horse is a dream and I'm so privileged to have him, if he doesn't live a long, healthyish life, I think I'll be giving up.

 

[FfionWinnie]

I lost two to EGS, the second being my utter horse of a life time perfect horse I only had for 6 months. That was 18 months ago and while I will never forget her I had to force myself to stop thinking about if I lose another one to it. If it crosses your mind you have to force it out and think positive thoughts instead. I know it's incredibly hard but it does work.

 

[Pedantic]

Remember your not alone with this, we lost daughters Arab earlier this year, I still see him in my mind being PTS by the vet etc, I have to forced it out of my mind with other thoughts, not always easy.

 

[Midlifecrisis]

I think its natural for past experience to influence how we react to present situations. There are good suggestions here and I think you ll have to train yourself to "know" that you have created a safe environment and taken good precautions and practice good management and then push the negative thoughts away with brighter nicer ones. I am having to stop myself over thinking any change in eating patterns with daughters horse in light of recent experiences with my own. I think more time and positive experiences with your "new" horse will override the negative thoughts...I hope so.

 

[fatpiggy]

It is a mild form of PTSD. I had my mare PTS because of old age and decrepitude, it all went smoothly and to plan but I still have momentary visions of her lying dead on the floor. Horses are unpredictable things which break easily and you have been doubly unfortunate, but many many horses live out their lives with little more than fly bites to show for it. Do you have a counseling service at work. Or perhaps someone knows someone who does it. It is money well spent. Try not to think what might happen to your new horse - you cannot influence that, but instead think of things you want to do with it. Make a list, a plan and stick to it. It is a bit like falling off really - most people are more frightened of potentially falling off than the actual event. The fear stays with you if you let it, whereas in reality you hit the ground pretty smartish and it is over. You know pretty well instantly whether you have done more than get another bruise or two and you get up and get on again (I'm a great believer in that).

Don't think that you are the only person who ever felt this way - there is a huge queue in front of you and plenty coming up behind.

 

[Meredith]

I lost two to EGS, the second being my utter horse of a life time perfect horse I only had for 6 months. That was 18 months ago and while I will never forget her I had to force myself to stop thinking about if I lose another one to it. If it crosses your mind you have to force it out and think positive thoughts instead. I know it's incredibly hard but it does work.

I lost a horse to EGS over 15 years ago and for a few years after the first thing I did when I went to my horses was bend to their side and listen for gut sounds. I still become very anxious in springtime and will not let my horses eat grass when not at home.
However, each day that everything is OK makes the next easier. I know that life will never be the same but try to focus on what is good and look forward to the fun times that I'm sure will come again.

 

[applecart14]

Kamikaze I know how you feel, I really do. I lost four horses in under seven years. The first had a bad accident on a fun ride, they battled for three weeks and he had 3 GA ops but they couldn't save him. The 2nd horse broke his leg in the field, the third dropped down dead of a heart attack.

They all meant an awful lot to me but the last horse was especially dear to me as I had done a lot of 'firsts' with him. Rommy came to me as quite an aggressive horse who had no top line and looked very rangy and fragile. The previous owners (two in succession) had SJ him but they could not hold him as he was too strong and he'd gone back to the dealer. Rommy was strong with me too but we built the trust together and I did a lot of work with him. We affiliated BSJA and we got some winnings - he was a very good show jumper, but I suspect he was a woman's horse rather than a mans. I built his fitness and top line up, and mentally and physically he was in great shape but a traumatic fall in the field which sent him rearing backwards onto his neck (I suspect he was jabbed in the mouth by the YO with his chifney on) put and end to that and he was PTS with Wobblers/CVM at the age of ten. He turned from the 'ugly duckling' to the 'swan'. Because I was with him at the end I found it much harder, but we had had some good times together. Losing four horses one after the other totally broke me.

When I bought my present horse Bailey it took a good three or four years to properly bond with him and it also took the expertise of a 'horse whisperer type person' to convince me that my horse was going to be around for many years to come which finally gave me the confidence to bond with him, knowing I wouldn't lose him anytime soon.

She said that he wouldn't be able to be ridden much past the age of 19 (which he is now) and I would lose him at 21. Because it was years off I wasn't really that bothered at the time although I am now.

I ended up going to the Doctors with depression and was put on flourexetine (Prozac). I was offered counseling but in the area I live its not really known for horsey people and I felt that they wouldn't understand how I felt or feel my grief. Gradually I came to terms with his death, but it hit me very hard and even now, mentioning his name I get tears welling in my eyes.

 

[doodle]

Thanks everyone for replying. I already suffer with mental health issues and anxiety. I went to my gp about 6 weeks ago who offered counselling but I have heard no more. I have my regular psychiatrist on Monday so he may be able to update. I have found to this point the mental health service have dismissed it slightly, despite me being hospitalised after I lost my first horse, as they were just horses.
I spoke to my friend today about it and she was if the opinion that horses are horses and as such it *may* happen again but I need to just get on with it. I am not sure how. I worry so much about Robin I sometimes feel like selling and not having another horse as I can't deal with the stress. I keep having horrible dreams about loosing them, particularly about minto and his stable being taken over and having to fight for it back.

 

[touchstone]

If it is affecting you so badly then I think selling might actually be a good idea until you get back on your feet, there is always something to worry about with horses but if this has reached an unacceptable level that you can't deal with then there can't be any enjoyment in it for you.

Sadly horses can damage themselves in a multitude of ways, it's unfortunate and heartbreaking when it does happen, but there are no surefire ways to prevent everything and as an owner you have to accept that. Giving yourself a break for a while might take the pressure off.

 

[jfb]

your horse is very lucky to have an owner who cares so much.

this might make some people worry more and focus too much on what could happen, and i don't know what advice someone with existing problems needs, but i'm a control freak so:

i would make a list of everything i worry could happen. then write down everything i can realistically do to prevent it or deal with it if it happens. get advice from the vet on emergency first aid, get any useful phone no.s, make emergency action plans. then shut the list away somewhere and let go of it. then if anything happens, it was fate and i controlled everything possible. horses really do sometimes have awful things happen, no matter what you do, but so does life, and what a shame not to live because of it. i hope you keep your horse, they really do sound lucky to have you, and something could happen just as easily if they're owned by someone else.

or maybe buy a couple more horses so your heart's spread across them...

 

[peaceandquiet1]

your horse is very lucky to have an owner who cares so much.

this might make some people worry more and focus too much on what could happen, and i don't know what advice someone with existing problems needs, but i'm a control freak so:

i would make a list of everything i worry could happen. then write down everything i can realistically do to prevent it or deal with it if it happens. get advice from the vet on emergency first aid, get any useful phone no.s, make emergency action plans. then shut the list away somewhere and let go of it. then if anything happens, it was fate and i controlled everything possible. horses really do sometimes have awful things happen, no matter what you do, but so does life, and what a shame not to live because of it. i hope you keep your horse, they really do sound lucky to have you, and something could happen just as easily if they're owned by someone else.

or maybe buy a couple more horses so your heart's spread across them...

this is good advice, some things you can't control

 

[Esme2015]

Hi there

I don't really have any good advice except to say that I think making the list is a good idea, I do that with my nerves. What could happen and how can I cope with it if it does? It's an irrational fear and is called grandiose behaviour or thoughts I believe.

I really do feel for you, my friend lost two in six months and her beloved dog a few months before that. She's decided not to get another horse for a while, if at all but that's her choice. Personally, I want her to at least heal a little bit before she even thinks about getting another one, but she certainly won't ever get over losing the first horse, he really was her baby. I know it's totally broken her but she's got a new puppy to distract her and that's helping. I guess what I'm trying to say, very badly, is that lots of people do go through it sadly, and at least you know you aren't alone. My friend also has anxiety issues and when I heard about the second horse, my heart just broke for her, I can't imagine how she must feel.

I do hope you find a way of controlling your feelings. It makes me so angry when people don't understand how much our pets/equines mean to us. I don't have children and mine are my substitute babies. I shall fall apart when one of them goes :-(

Hugs to you xx