Overbearing horse owners mother

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lindsay1993

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I have a wonderful boss who I began working for about a year ago, she mentioned she had some horses who didn't get worked at all and she could do with some help on the yard. I jumped at the chance, having no funds to buy/own my own horse. Fast forward to now and all the horses are back in regular work and I have taken a liking to one in particular, who hadn't been ridden for over 5 years. I have started lessons on her and had my 2nd lesson today. My boss doesn't have a lot of spare time so her mother had to transport me to my lesson today. Horse was a little stubborn as she's just came into season. Lesson went really well, learning leg-yielding as horse is very nappy and fancied flirting with the geldings behind the arena. She resisted at first and threw up a couple of little rears that were manageable. Once she knew she wasn't going to get away with flirting and dragging me wherever she wanted she was great. After the lesson, horse wouldn't load, and so owners mother grabbed her from me and yanked her on the mouth, pulling the bit straight through her mouth, horse then violently reared. (Not my way of doing things at all- I was mortified.) Horse did load eventually, owners mother threw all my beautiful tack into the truck and moaned about needing to go home because she was cold, so we set off for home. Then it began..... a rant from owners mother about what a awful lesson it was, how naughty horse was, how amazing her daughter was and how none of this ever happened when she rode her. She asked me if I was being serious about wanting to go back for another lesson as it was so shocking. She criticized my riding and said some really hurtful things. She said she would take horse home and work her into the ground for behaving so badly. She made me feel like a complete failure. I was so happy coming out of the lesson and felt like crying on the way home after her rant. Horse is improving and so is my riding, instructor is fantastic and was so positive. I feel so downhearted. Owners mother occasionally rides and tries to take over everything I do at the yard, normally resulting in out-of -control stressed horses. She won't let me hack when she's at the yard as she says it's too dangerous. :-( She is very heavy handed and expects all the horses to behave like dressage superstars when ridden, which is ridiculous. Everything I do is wrong because it's not her way of doing it. I'm at a loss of what to do. I love this little horse and enjoy riding her when owners mother isn't around. I don't want to lose out on such a good opportunity but sometimes I just want to scream in her face!! She has no compassion for the horses and everything is a chore for her and its dragging me down. Boyfriend says I should just walk away and try part-loaning somewhere else, but I've grown so attached to this little horse I don't know what to do. I also love my boss and she's so grateful for my help and wants me to do some low level competitions in the future. I'm just not sure how much more of her mother I can take. Advice please... xx
 
Sadly there are many people like this in the world, it's disheartening...if you really like this horse and know you can put time and effort into it plus the finances, maybe ask if you could loan it, but move to another yard? Or walk away and carry on having lessons whilst looking for another horse..
 
Oh, what a rubbish situation to be in :-(
It is very difficult to walk away from a horse once you have grown attached to them. And it's a great opportunity for you, being able to ride and compete.
I don't know what to suggest :-(
 
Tricky situation, just remember if you decide to talk to your boss about her mother, that blood is thicker than water, as the saying goes, hope it works out for you.
 
The way she treated that mare and spoke to you is completely unacceptable. How dare she? She sounds abusive and mean and unfortunately, there is probably no easy way out of this.

I would explain to your boss that you are very unfortunately thinking of leaving and explain exactly why. With any luck, she might step in and protect you from further issues and if she feels she can't (given this beast is her mother), then at least your boss will have understanding of exactly what has gone wrong and you will be able to move on to pastures new having given her the opportunity to resolve this.

I understand you feel attached to the mare but there are special horses on every yard. As unlikely as it seems now, you will have a special relationship with another one in the future.
 
Chat to your boss. Ask her what the best way to manage this is. Mother might be a pain ......but she did drive you to your lesson which meant giving up her time so can't be all bad!
 
She's the owners mother .
You might try to talk to your boss in sensitive way but basically you either learn to handle it or move on .
 
Thanks for the replies! When my boss is there she tells her mother straight and puts her in her place. Mother then usually keeps quiet and goes away. I don't feel confident enough to stand up to her as she can be quite vicious. I'm very grateful for her taking me to my lesson. Some of the time she is lovely, but when she's on one then she's a different person. They have had various paid grooms that have all left after very short periods or haven't even managed to ride the horses before leaving. I will try to have a word with my boss, she's very understanding and I know she gets that her mother is a control freak and has regular meltdowns. There's no way I could afford to move the horse to livery somewhere else and my chances of finding a ride elsewhere are slim as I don't drive (my boyfriend drives me as he also works for the mothers husband) and I have a 3 year old daughter and work Fri, Sat, Sun & Mon. I think I may need to just lay my feelings out on the table and see what happens. :-/
 
You have my sympathies. For some strange reason, horses bring out the worst in some people. However, I personally wouldn't talk to your boss about her mother. I suspect it won't go down well.

If the mother is constantly there and you can't cope with her then it might be for the best if you call it a day and leave. If she's not there all the time then could you not grit your teeth and ignore her on the occassions she is there?
 
I'd zone out while she rants and rambles whilst agreeing with her. The awld grumpy windbag!

You had a great time in a fab lesson. People like this woman need to suck the joy out of others to exist. Ignore her and carry on. :)
 
Illusion100 said:
I'd zone out while she rants and rambles whilst agreeing with her. The awld grumpy windbag!

You had a great time in a fab lesson. People like this woman need to suck the joy out of others to exist. Ignore her and carry on. :)
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This is exactly what my boyfriend thinks. He can't bear her! I do tend to zone out and get on with what I'm doing. She isn't there all the time, but when something interesting is going on then she wants to be involved.
 
Illusion100 said:
I'd zone out while she rants and rambles whilst agreeing with her. The awld grumpy windbag!

You had a great time in a fab lesson. People like this woman need to suck the joy out of others to exist. Ignore her and carry on. :)
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This. Agree with everything she says, in a neutral mannter, it is hard to argue with people that agree with you. Trust me, my teenagers have this down pat, they agree and ignore, it is infuriating for me but works well for them. The mare and your boss sound worth turning a deaf ear to.
 
What an absolute cow bag!
It sounds like you did brilliantly in your lesson to me- green eyed monster alert.
We once had to put up with a terribly interfering trouble making yard owner for a horse on loan that couldn't be moved. It was a nightmare at times but eventually I learnt to grit my teeth and even stand up to her from time to time ;) I think that earned me a little bit of respect and she did back down after a while.
It's bullying really isn't it and totally uncalled for. If everyone else has left pretty quickly she's probably never had anyone stand up to her a bit.
I don't envy you and as much as I sometimes miss being in a yard atmosphere I certainly don't miss people like her!
 
lindsay1993 said:
I'd love to. I can afford to learn, but there is no way we could afford to insure me on our cars. My boyfriend pays over £200 a month for car insurance and he's been driving 5 years!! It's just far too much. :-(
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Maybe the owner of the horse would add you to her policy, or may have a policy that would allow you to drive.

Women are usually cheaper to insure than men, in fact my OH saved 100 quid on his annual premium just by adding me as a named driver. I'm older than him which probably does also help :D
 
Ahhhh, a bully. How "lovely". Unfortunately there are many of those in the horse world.

I'm sorry, I can't deal with rudeness, and I simply couldn't be spoken to like that vile mother spoke to you. I'm likely to be her age, and there's no way in a million years I'd speak to anyone like that, especially if it was someone one of my kids knew. She needs to get off her high horse.

Speak to your boss, but don't bad mouth the mother. She might find you too valuable to lose, and deal with mother accordingly. If she seems disinterested, then unfortunately you might need to step away from riding for her, and look elsewhere for rides.

Hope you get this sorted.
 
Unless your boss can sort her mother out run as fast as you can.Otherwise you will have every ounce of confidence in yourself, generally and with horses knocked out of you.
 
Your boss obviously wants the horses worked & that is why she's asked you to help her out. She also will know that she has lost numerous grooms & will know why. You mention that when your boss is on the yard she will put her mother in her place & will not tolerate her nonsense. I think that you need to speak to your boss & explain what has happened with your lesson & what her mother said to you afterwards & how she said it. Also mention the yanking around of the horse & the bullying & also the total disrespect you you & your tack. Be accurate with what you say & be firm. Hopefully your boss will realise that her mother causes disharmony on the yard & upsets everyone. With a little luck she will understand your problem & resolve the issues & speak to her mother. It is you who is sorting out the horses not her mother & hopefully sje#ll realise this.If she doesn't then walk away & she can find someone else to sort out her horses & maybe her mother can take over & actually walk the walk rather than talk the talk. ;(.
 
Ask your boss if you've done something to upset her mother (which you know you haven't) - just say you got the impression that you were doing things wrong and obviously don't want that so what is the best thing for you to do - let her guide you. She will probably give you tips on how best to deal with mother as it sounds as if she doesn't want to lose your help.

Other than that I would say try as much as possible to not be there when only the mother is around.

If the situation gets worse then you may have to reconsider whether you can carry on but for now I'd stick with it.
 
madlady said:
Ask your boss if you've done something to upset her mother (which you know you haven't) - just say you got the impression that you were doing things wrong and obviously don't want that so what is the best thing for you to do - let her guide you. She will probably give you tips on how best to deal with mother as it sounds as if she doesn't want to lose your help.

Other than that I would say try as much as possible to not be there when only the mother is around.

If the situation gets worse then you may have to reconsider whether you can carry on but for now I'd stick with it.
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That sounds a good way to bring it up with my boss. I had offered to go today, but knowing her mother would be there I decided not to and catch up on masses of housework instead. I have arranged another lesson for next Thursday. Boss says she will try her best to make it this time. :-) Her mother had actually put up some pictures and videos of the lesson on facebook last night, that I didn't know she had taken. To me they look good and I usually hate seeing myself riding! My instructor has commented on them about how well it went and how she thinks we are improving together. I'm going to just ignore the mothers stupid comments and have a quiet word with my boss. I'm not going to let her drag me down as this is something I really want to continue with, in the hope of some competing this summer! :-)
 
Imo I would take it on the chin. When she is ranting just smile and carry on with what you are doing.
Ignore her rants, but if you do listen it's worth asking a question about her advice, eg. If she says it's too dangerous to hack, ask her why, It could be because of the time as schools could be out or rush hour etc. asking questions (in a nice way!) is a great way to show that you are taking her opinion on board and want to know more.

if there's no reason I would tell her that you are taking the most hacking safe horse out to check if it's dangerous & if so will turn and come home.

I would also try and get an instructor to come to yard to give lessons. That way you have boss around also to see what goes on. Most likely the mother is old school and takes no nonsense approach to horses, which isn't wrong but just a different way to how you are dealing with them.
 
only_me said:
Imo I would take it on the chin. When she is ranting just smile and carry on with what you are doing.
Ignore her rants, but if you do listen it's worth asking a question about her advice, eg. If she says it's too dangerous to hack, ask her why, It could be because of the time as schools could be out or rush hour etc. asking questions (in a nice way!) is a great way to show that you are taking her opinion on board and want to know more.

if there's no reason I would tell her that you are taking the most hacking safe horse out to check if it's dangerous & if so will turn and come home.

I would also try and get an instructor to come to yard to give lessons. That way you have boss around also to see what goes on. Most likely the mother is old school and takes no nonsense approach to horses, which isn't wrong but just a different way to how you are dealing with them.
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They are situated in a very remote area with very little traffic and almost all hacking is in forest tracks with no vehicles etc. I love hacking and the horses are very sane, so I'm struggling with only using the school when she is there. She very rarely had ridden and once fell off hacking when the horse she was on turned around too quickly. She hasn't had a lot of experience with horses really. Her daughter lived in London and had both hers on livery full time. She told me she used to ride her daughters eventer in the evenings to keep him fit, but this was well over 20 years ago. They are only now back at home as the daughter no longer rides. She is obsessed with having the horses in the school on the lunge every day and she is the only one who is allowed to do it because she knows how! I think she genuinely means well but she won't listen to anyone else's opinions or advice so it makes it very difficult to communicate with her.
 
lindsay1993 said:
That sounds a good way to bring it up with my boss. I had offered to go today, but knowing her mother would be there I decided not to and catch up on masses of housework instead. I have arranged another lesson for next Thursday. Boss says she will try her best to make it this time. :-) Her mother had actually put up some pictures and videos of the lesson on facebook last night, that I didn't know she had taken. To me they look good and I usually hate seeing myself riding! My instructor has commented on them about how well it went and how she thinks we are improving together. I'm going to just ignore the mothers stupid comments and have a quiet word with my boss. I'm not going to let her drag me down as this is something I really want to continue with, in the hope of some competing this summer! :-)
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Don't let her ruin it.
 
Nothing annoys some people who have lost their bottle more, than watching someone else ride and ride well with lots of confidence. I'd say the dear old soul is feeling frustrated.
 
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