Parent nerves!

[QueenT]

My daughter and I are going to a four-day overnight show with her 10 yo jumper. I always get a little nervous, typical sports parent, but this time it’s worse! It’s not completely irrational, she’s had her share of eliminations as he’s a sensitive horse, and you can’t always tell in advance that he’s going to stop. He can be clear and placed in one class, completely check out in the next. She gets temporarily very frustrated, but loves the horse, and enjoys working with him. So, this is a big show at a height that’s not stable for them yet, and I worry so much! I worry that she’ll get injured, eliminated again, horse will be too tired, she can’t see the strides, find the right pace, what other’s will say/think, horse spooks at decorations… telling myself not to worry is not working!

 

[nikicb]

I think parental nerves are not uncommon, however, I'm sorry but I don't think I would be taking them to a 4 day show when they are not established at the heights required. In my opinion you are only setting them up to fail, which isn't fair on the pomy, child, or you really.

 

[Fieldlife]

I think you both need to learn to set them up for success. He's not a machine. Sounds like you need to be better at reading when he's stressed / tired / switched off etc. And maybe not competing on those occasions or finding how to encourage him to relax etgc.

As for a four day, stay away show. Have you done them before. Does he go better staying on site? Or is this a new experience? If it is new, I'd stay at a comfortable height, not a level he isnt established at.

I would think 4 days of competing is pretty tiring. You could do easy height day 1, new height day 2 and day 3. Easy height day four. Though I am still not sure about 4 days in a row of competing at jumping??

 

[QueenT]

I think parental nerves are not uncommon, however, I'm sorry but I don't think I would be taking them to a 4 day show when they are not established at the heights required. In my opinion you are only setting them up to fail, which isn't fair on the pomy, child, or you really.

Yes, well, it’s all agreed with her pro trainer, and part of gaining experience. They are fine at home and ok at smaller shows, so I suppose we’d have to tackle this at some point. Still doesn’t help with the worrying

 

[Fieldlife]

Yes, well, it’s all agreed with her pro trainer, and part of gaining experience. They are fine at home and ok at smaller shows, so I suppose we’d have to tackle this at some point. Still doesn’t help with the worrying

Yes but set them up for success - lower heights initially at first stay away show, and build up over the days, if goes well.

 

[nikicb]

Yes, well, it’s all agreed with her pro trainer, and part of gaining experience. They are fine at home and ok at smaller shows, so I suppose we’d have to tackle this at some point. Still doesn’t help with the worrying

I am not sure how old your daughter is, however you are her advocate, and should have the final say in what your daughter does assuming she is a minor. It's fine to take advice from her trainer, but at the end of the day the decision is yours. I stand by my original opinion that you are setting them up to fail. Confidence is hard won and easily lost.

Editied to correct error.

 

[Patterdale]

Trainers who don’t have children (even those that do) often make the wrong decisions where pushing children is concerned.

You know your daughter, you know your gut - if you think it’s too big, then the buck stops with you.

How old is she? What does she think?

 

[SpotsandBays]

Sounds like maybe your gut is trying to tell you something?

 

[QueenT]

I think you both need to learn to set them up for success. He's not a machine. Sounds like you need to be better at reading when he's stressed / tired / switched off etc. And maybe not competing on those occasions or finding how to encourage him to relax etgc.

As for a four day, stay away show. Have you done them before. Does he go better staying on site? Or is this a new experience? If it is new, I'd stay at a comfortable height, not a level he isnt established at.

I would think 4 days of competing is pretty tiring. You could do easy height day 1, new height day 2 and day 3. Easy height day four. Though I am still not sure about 4 days in a row of competing at jumping??

It’s three days competing, arrival day one, and he’s supercool with travelling and staying overnight. The classes and heights are agreed with the trainer, so objectively it should be fine. Sometimes it just isn’t anyway

 

[QueenT]

Trainers who don’t have children (even those that do) often make the wrong decisions where pushing children is concerned.

You know your daughter, you know your gut - if you think it’s too big, then the buck stops with you.

How old is she? What does she think?

She’s 18, it’s not a pony (not sure where that came in) and they’re showing at 115. So part of it is letting go of the controls, and let her plan shows with her trainer. I am a dressage rider, have no eye for strides and I think 40 is too big…

 

[QueenT]

Trainers who don’t have children (even those that do) often make the wrong decisions where pushing children is concerned.

You know your daughter, you know your gut - if you think it’s too big, then the buck stops with you.

How old is she? What does she think?

18, and wants to go for it.

 

[Patterdale]

18, and wants to go for it.

Ok so not really a child then.
It’s up to her I’d say. But if you have serious concerns then you need to raise them.

 

[Clodagh]

I know you didn’t really want advice but I worry the horse will get sour and fed up.
My friend, an experienced show jumper, is taking her horse to Arena this weekend. He will do height classes in ascending order, one a day. The third day will be his highest established height.
I would say training should be at home and competing a confirmation and celebration of success. Success being defined by child, horse and mum being happy on the way home.

 

[nikicb]

18, and wants to go for it.

Ok, from your OP it sounded like she was younger. I think you definitely do need to discuss your worries with her. Although in theory she can make her own mind up about going, if you are the one providing transport etc., then you really do have a reasonable say in this.

 

[Poppy+MrDarcy]

We all worry for our kids so they don't have to! It's not our fault just shows that we care I took my 9 year old to a little local show, and I was very nervous! I new there wasn't anything to worry about, but I just couldn't help myself Xx

 

[SpotsandBays]

18, and wants to go for it.

Ah! At that age she’s old enough to make her own informed decision with the information around her (trainer etc!). But if you are worried then I’d have a chat. I’d like to hope her trainer believes that she’s fully capable of that level, and that if she wasn’t they wouldn’t suggest it

 

[asmp]

Do what I used to do - watch behind my fingers or not watch at all! My daughter competed my horse in a TREC competition in Italy as part of the GB junior team and I just couldn’t watch her round. They did really well too. I’m sure my nerves were worse than hers

 

[Ratface]

I am not sure how old your daughter is, however you are her advocate, and should have the final say in what your daughter does assuming she is a minor. It's fine to take advice from her trainer, but at the end of the day the decision is yours. I stand by my original opinion that you are setting them up to fail. Confidence is hard won and easily lost.

Editied to correct error.

Nicicb, I endorse your opinion. However, Queen T, do you feel able to support your daughter if she wants to dial back on any of the classes that she's entered?
It can be difficult for horses and their riders to regain confidence if they have a negative experience in any show discipline.
My mother used to come to every show that I entered with my rather quirky pony. She just said "Go and have fun, and don't break either of your necks!" We did some Demolition Derbys in our day, got a few frillies and certainly had loads of fun!

 

[J&S]

Trainers are not always right! Teenagers can be a little too confident in their ability and be rather in awe of the trainer who wants them to attain great heights. Sometimes a mother/parent/owner can see more objectively. You may very well be right to worry, so be there for them just incase "help" is needed. Stand firm if you think things are going the wrong way and help your daughter understand that there is always another day.

 

[OlderNotWiser]

Trainers are not always right! Teenagers can be a little too confident in their ability and be rather in awe of the trainer who wants them to attain great heights. Sometimes a mother/parent/owner can see more objectively. You may very well be right to worry, so be there for them just incase "help" is needed. Stand firm if you think things are going the wrong way and help your daughter understand that there is always another day.

Exactly this!! My daughter’s horse was over faced by an ambitious trainer 6 years ago and it took many many months to get his confidence back.

 

[oldie48]

OK, your daughter is 18 and has been out competing, I guess for some time and she has a pro trainer. I can only share my own experience with you. I also got very nervous when my daughter was eventing, particularly during the XC phase, however, I had watched her develop as a rider, knew she had good training from an excellent trainer who had known her for several years. My job was to get her to the venue, do studs, help her tack and untack, make the coffee and generally be a dogsbody with a smile on my face. I have felt physically sick at times when she's set off XC but I hope she never knew. Hopefully, that's what you do and you are reaching out here to say how you feel and in that case, trust me I know lots of mums who worry about their children in all sorts of situations. It's natural, just don't let them know! Good luck to your daughter I hope you have a wonderful time and it all goes to plan and if it doesn't, just put it down to experience. fwiw, when she was a junior we went to the Scope festival and she had a wonderful time, she jumped in the main ring final for one of her classes and met some lovely people. She also had a nasty splat when the pony slipped! That's competing for you.

 

[QueenT]

OK, your daughter is 18 and has been out competing, I guess for some time and she has a pro trainer. I can only share my own experience with you. I also got very nervous when my daughter was eventing, particularly during the XC phase, however, I had watched her develop as a rider, knew she had good training from an excellent trainer who had known her for several years. My job was to get her to the venue, do studs, help her tack and untack, make the coffee and generally be a dogsbody with a smile on my face. I have felt physically sick at times when she's set off XC but I hope she never knew. Hopefully, that's what you do and you are reaching out here to say how you feel and in that case, trust me I know lots of mums who worry about their children in all sorts of situations. It's natural, just don't let them know! Good luck to your daughter I hope you have a wonderful time and it all goes to plan and if it doesn't, just put it down to experience. fwiw, when she was a junior we went to the Scope festival and she had a wonderful time, she jumped in the main ring final for one of her classes and met some lovely people. She also had a nasty splat when the pony slipped! That's competing for you.

This! All the reasons for going/not going have been discussed in a mature manner with daughter/trainer/father etc - and we're going, that's not the question. The horse is not sour and she's been competing for years. She has built him up from a sack of nerves that sometimes surface. My post relates to my mum nerves and how to deal with all of that. I only mentioned eliminations, etc because she has had her share of eating the sand, so my nerves have some root in experience. I am just really bad a dealing with them, and really hope it doesn't show too much. So I am using this... it's experince.

 

[Jellymoon]

I think people were imagining at first this was an 8 yr old on a pony!!

I think the fact that’s she’s actually an experienced young adult on a horse, with a pro trainer…and you still worry…just goes to show that us mums will never stop worrying about our babies however old they are!

My only advice would be to try not to transfer the worries and doubts onto her, she will ride better the more confident she feels. Just be there with support and encouragement and pick up the pieces if it doesn’t go to plan. Make sure lorry is stocked with Prosecco and brownies for either commiserations or celebrations.

 

[Ratface]

I competed on a variety of tricky ponies and dubious horses when I was in my early teens. My mother always drove the box, acted as groom, declarer of horse and rider, number fetcher, programme getter, sandwich maker and general unflappable stalwart soul. It was not until quite a few years later that I discovered that as soon as I had set off on my showjumping round or XC run she went back into the cab, rolled the windows up and read the paper until I returned!
She always greeted me cheerfully and asked how I thought the horse had gone and thus pieced together the information she needed. We then got on to seeing to the horse's needs. She didn't mind what the results were, as long as the horse and I were in one piece (in that order!) and that we'd had a fun day.
We used to give lifts to other young people and their horses. She was a "The more, the merrier" type, and we always enjoyed our outings, whatever the weather or the results.

 

[TheChestnutThing]

She’s 18, it’s not a pony (not sure where that came in) and they’re showing at 115. So part of it is letting go of the controls, and let her plan shows with her trainer. I am a dressage rider, have no eye for strides and I think 40 is too big…

You sound like my mom...she walked round a 90 track with me at a show and said...are you sure this isn't too big (and she evented long format 1 star!). She also thinks anything over 40 is massive.

IMHO I have a horse just like this, and I always err on the side of caution and enter lower. He's jumping 1.10/20m at home and I have dropped him down to 80/85 BS Cat 1 shows (we were jumping BD) until he gets his confidence and sensitivities out the way. Rather that and we have fun, which is what it is all about! I understand where her trainer is coming from aswell, but it's horrible not knowing if you are going to go clear or be eliminated at the first fence. I would start him at say 90/95 day 1, day 2 1m/105 and the final day up to 110/115 if the rest goes well.

 

[Birker2020]

My parents were the same with me, my last horse was quite spooky at times and I had some nasty falls, nothing broken but about 5 concussions over a 15 year period, each time in an ambulance, CT scan/xrays. Seen Dad following me in the ambulance through the back door whilst my partner attempted (with help) to load the horse and drive home a couple of times, got carted off on a spinal board, etc.

But considering I was out literally every weekend jumping or fun rides it wasn't that surprising. So I fully understand where your concerns are. This was when I was in my mid 30's to mid 40's, it doesn't matter how old your daughter is, you still feel the same as a parent. Because B was so spooky Mum asked me to stop jumping and concentrate more on dressage which we had quite a bit of success with but I missed my jumping to much so continued as much as I could.