Parents of teenage competitors - Support needed!

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Ignition

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My 16 year old daughter is eventing this season, having previously done pony club and the like. I need tips on how to avoid murdering her before the end of the year! ;)

For example, I go to collect her and horse from school where they both live term time. I've sorted out all the extra kit and packed it all in the lorry, i've prepared the lorry, packed food, organised all her clothes and extra bits.

I've given her a list of everything she needs to organise to bring with her and ask her to make sure the horse is prepared. The list is not long in the slightest, as I'm bringing most of the stuff from home. So, obviously arrive 15 minutes before we need to leave to find horse still muddy, no plaits of course, a collection of rugs and tack kind of sort of prepared but not really, tack hastily being scrubbed, brushing boots soaking wet as she only washed them that morning... the list goes on. I think Charlie Sheen will be sober before she ever successfully gets herself organised for something :rolleyes:

I then launch into Mother mode and have the horse scrubbed, and plaited and rugged and booted and loaded in record time, and dig out different brushing boots to replace soaked ones, and quickly surface clean the tack, and find the list I gave her and do the run through by myself... And get back in the lorry where she's sat, cool as a cucumber, texting her mates about how excited she is to be going eventing although it's a lot to organise...:rolleyes:

During the day I'm running around collecting the numbers, changing tack, getting her everywhere on time, washing the horse, loading it back up... I stopped at the end of it all and thought to myself "Why on earth are you doing all this, whilst she's off chatting with her friends!" (whose Mothers were similarly running around like headless chickens!)


So my question is - how much would you do? Should I just arrive and sit in the lorry and text MY mates and see what she does? And potentially let the horse and tack arrive dirty and -heaven forbid- leave her to do the plaiting?

This is just a rant really, about the joys of teenagers. I've been quite lucky with my older kids but this girl just fits all the stereotypes :o :D I'd be interested to hear any child/teenage related hints, tips or moans. Considering sending her Dad next time and staying at home with a bottle of wine instead. :cool:
 
Lol! You know she rang me when she was back at school to say she'd loved it but was knackered from "all the running around involved in eventing." She never said it was you doing it all Alex!!! Xx
 
I'd be really tempted to tell her that due to your other committments you will only be able to arrive at x time to pick up her and horse and go straight to event, and there will be no time for you to sort horse etc. So basically you arrive at stated time (not before), she is standing waiting with horse and kit ready to load. If she is not then just sit in lorry waiting. Get to event late and see how embarrassed she is in front of friends when she is not allowed to compete due to missing her time slot. She'll only need to be eliminated once!

Also, take a friend along with you so you can chat whilst she is sorting the horse out, getting her number etc. Its a bug bear of mine that kids seem to turn up at events and just get on and ride and then pass the horse back to mother to sort out. She needs to learn for herself about timekeeping and looking after a tired horse after cross country etc.
 
My mother wouldn't have let me get away with that at that age! She would obviously help me but I enjoyed getting ready for events. Often we had a routine that I would get the horse ready whilst she would pack the lorry for me and im very grateful. I think you're going to have to play bad cop for a little while untill she gets the idea :)
 
Personally I think that if she can't get her side of things organised then she obviously isn't really that bothered about going eventing. So I would read her the riot act, tell her that you aren't going for your benefit, that you are putting in a huge amount of time and effort to get her out eventing and if she wants you to continue to do all that she needs to hold up her end of the bargain and have everything ready to go when you arrive. Tell her that if you end up having to clean tack or plait up for her again it will be the last time she goes this year.

At the event, tell her to do stuff. If she is standing around tell her to do whatever your next job on the list is.

If she isn't much better next time withdraw her from the next event and dock any monies lost in entry fees from her pocket money too (or at the very least send her dad and see how she copes).

She doesn't realise what an incredibly lucky girl she is and needs a wake up call. She is manipulating you into doing everything for her and you are falling for it, why should she get up early to get ready if she can just wait for Mum to turn up and do it for her instead. Do you tidy her room and pick up after her too?

When I was her age I would have given my right arm to have a horse never mind a lorry and an unpaid groom and the chance to go eventing. In fact as a teenager I was fighting a battle to ensure my parents continued paying for my riding lessons and delivering me to the riding school once a week, it was made very clear that both things were privileges not rights. Come 16 my parents stopped paying for my lessons and they reduced from being weekly to when I could save enough from my weekend waitressing job, and I didn't ride regularly again until I got a full time job after graduating from my post grad course.

I'm not trying to give a woe is me story or tell tales of in my day, I just think she doesn't know how lucky she is. Not sure whether she is a bit spoilt and isn't appreciating her opportunities or whether perhaps she isn't as interested in going eventing as her mum is, or is more interested in how it looks to her friends than actually doing it........

There are so many teenage girls out there who would kill to be in her place.
 
bounce said:
I'd be really tempted to tell her that due to your other committments you will only be able to arrive at x time to pick up her and horse and go straight to event, and there will be no time for you to sort horse etc. So basically you arrive at stated time (not before), she is standing waiting with horse and kit ready to load. If she is not then just sit in lorry waiting. Get to event late and see how embarrassed she is in front of friends when she is not allowed to compete due to missing her time slot. She'll only need to be eliminated once!

Also, take a friend along with you so you can chat whilst she is sorting the horse out, getting her number etc. Its a bug bear of mine that kids seem to turn up at events and just get on and ride and then pass the horse back to mother to sort out. She needs to learn for herself about timekeeping and looking after a tired horse after cross country etc.
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I totally agree with this! My mum would never let me get away with it, its simple i did all the work and if i didn't do it i couldn't go! You should like a great mum but if you always do it for her she will never learn. Good Luck for future events
 
Thanks folks, you are right of course. I swear she's some sort of Derren Brown apprentice - my kids would never normally get away with so much which is why looking back at this day, and many other competition days before it admittedly, has made me see sense. It's like a game of chicken though - who cracks first if we've 10 minutes to get ready and an unprepared horse... Bloody kids. ;)
 
DO NOT RUN ABOUT AFTER HER.

Next time that happens sit in the lorry until she has loaded her kit and pony (be it clean or dirty).

If she misses her section you can be sure she won't next time ....
 
I'm 16, i have my own horse and i live with my grandparents (my gran's horsey!)

If i ever want to go to an event, i have to clean my tack, sort out all nummnahs and rugs, get all my kit together, load the lorry up, bath, plait and sort the horse out myself, loading up and mucking out before we head of to the event and what not.

My gran collects all the stuff i need washing (which is usually in a pile by the washing machine) and puts it on to wash and hangs it up to dry. On the day she makes up the food and when we're there she will enter me and hold the horse for me - usually only while i am getting changed!

I have to tack the horse up, get myself ready and sort the lorry out all before i can even think about getting on and warming up!

I suppose its leaving in enough time to be able to get there and get it done and then have 10 mins to chat to friends and relax before warming up!

My gran's always followed the rule, if i want to do it then i must do most if not all the work myself. So on the day i dont expect anything but support at the side lines from her, its also more relaxing if i do the work/prep myself, if anything goes wrong, i cant blame anyone but myself!

It's also quite nice to have her on hand to hold the horse in a relaxed mood! Then obviously when i get home, i sort the horse out and turn her out and then help clean the lorry, then everything is put away or washed, tacks cleaned and i can then sit down :)

Hope this helps:D
 
KristmasKatt i'm aware of how lucky my kids are as I grew up in totally opposite cirumstances, and I can only hope and do my best to educate them that they are lucky little gits to have so much. I wouldn't have ever called her spoilt before this, but maybe I am being a tad blind and need to toughen up and remind her that eventing is a luxury to be earnt! Thanks for your response, really well written.
 
I suppose i'm lucky as my 16yr old gets it all ready, i generally just have to drive. Mind you i wouldn't be able to turn out to her standards as she is extremely anal.
Tbh, at 16 they are more than capable of turning out their own horse and being able to manage their time. I would lay the law down, hard as it would be, if you turn up and she isn't ready, turn around and go home i expect you could find something else to do with a whole day (i would choose a cheaper event to try this one on, not a BE!) bet it wouldn't happen twice.
 
i'm a teenager and if i did that my mum would kill me.
if i was going eventing i would be planning what to take for weeks and have everything sorted a few days before.

i assume she has got enough to have everything cleaned at least a week before (apart from tack) and have it all stored realdy to just load that morning, would make her life alot easier! :)
 
TBH, this is a real bugbear of mine, and with the mood I'm in, you'd better watch out :D

See, I think they really really really need to learn to do it all for themselves - otherwise how will they manage in the real world, either going off on their own or when they go and become working pupils for somebody famous in a gap year in which case they will get CRUCIFIED!!

I am a very bad Mummy - I do pretty much NONE of the preparation, although I've been known to pull a mane or two and do some trimming/clipping as necessary. But all basic grooming, bathing, tack cleaning, lorry packing, washing-sorting etc etc etc has to be done by the jockey. Plaiting is normally their department too although I made an exception for the two recent PTs as new pony has a beast of a mane and, having seen jockey's efforts for Aston unaff, I couldn't bear to see him up against the smart ponies looking like that so succumbed, against my better judgement :D

At an event, I will get involved before and between phases as it's just easier, really, and makes sense. Because I train her too, I am most involved with helping her work in etc. Obviously also after XC in helping wash off etc. However, once things calm down, it's over to her again in terms of removing studs, packing stuff away etc. If we are staying away, my opinion is that it's her pony so she cares for it, feeds, mucks out, waters, hays, everything. I put wraps on, because I'm fussy about them, that's about it. I do the domestic side of things but tbh I'm pretty useless at that so she loses out both ways :D :D

I have always tried to make her responsible for herself and her pony from when she was very little so it just sort of comes naturally now. We do go through a mental checklist together before we leave to make sure everything important is in, but she's the one who takes the lead. Tbf she is a very mature kid and always has been, so I suspect a lot of it comes down to the raw materials you have to work with ;) But I am always slightly not so much irritated as baffled by the mothers I see at overnighters and places like the PC Champs, running round with laden wheelbarrows or getting up at 5.30 to feed. Alsways seems to me we pay a fortune and work our socks off to allow the little darlings to pursue their incredibly expensive hobby so the least they can do is pull their weight!
 
Even when we were young and competing, although my mum does a huge amount of stuff for us we were entirely responsible for our horse's turnout, our own stuff, our tack. Mum would nag us, but she'd tell us that we needed the lorry loaded with clean tack and riding gear the night before and then we'd be leaving the house at x o'clock. If we forgot stuff, tough luck!!

I think you just need to grit your teeth a bit and tell her that she's going as she is when you arrive. And then anyone who asks about her turnout, explain that she didn't get ready and that you're encouraging independence!
 
Send someone else next time - in fact if she's doing the same event as my friend's daughter so I can get a lift over from Cambs I'll even volunteer myself!

I used to take a couple of friends kids out competing with my daughter. It's amazing how much more pleasant and co-operative a child is when mum isn't there to do it. I even thought of arranging it so that for team events every child went with someone else's parents.

Alternatively turn up with just the absolute basics - no picnic, no treats and no money and announce that as she could only be bothered to do the bare minimum so could you. Then swan off and find a mate for the duration and leave her to it. Oh and get back to the lorry late so she has had to hang around.

I have to say that my daughter once tried "Mum, as it's an early start and I need my sleep could I sleep in the lorry over night and then you could get my horse ready in the morning and load her quietly and just wake me up when we get there?" It's now a family joke!
 
O wow!! I have waited 20 years to get a horse, and would have happily swapped my little brother and slept in my horses stable if my parents were even remotely interested!!

If i were you, I would say "No, I am not taking you, instead I am collecting your horse, and going on a fun ride untill you clean/prepare etc yourself and prove to me your responsible enough to go eventing!!"

Please adopt me... :D:p
 
I started quaking in my boots when I saw your name pop up TD ;)

You are right though, I don't know why I'm treating eventing as different. I've left my kids behind before when they haven't got themselves up in time for a lift or to get their horse to go hunting or to pony club. I suppose because it's the drive down the school, then the long drive to the events and I was just determined to get it all sorted and done. And to make it fun for her... but we all know that horses can't all be fun. I think having the horse on full livery at school has somewhat spoilt her and she got a shock when it came to actually preparing him to do something herself. Sigh - roll on Larkhill :o
 
Thanks the everyone - I imagine the daughter in question will see this thread so looking forward to a phone call later ;)

Dora - I would but I'm sure your poor parents would be most offended!
 
Ignition said:
I started quaking in my boots when I saw your name pop up TD ;)

You are right though, I don't know why I'm treating eventing as different. I've left my kids behind before when they haven't got themselves up in time for a lift or to get their horse to go hunting or to pony club. I suppose because it's the drive down the school, then the long drive to the events and I was just determined to get it all sorted and done. And to make it fun for her... but we all know that horses can't all be fun. I think having the horse on full livery at school has somewhat spoilt her and she got a shock when it came to actually preparing him to do something herself. Sigh - roll on Larkhill :o
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It's an easy trap to fall into but equally it's a slippery slope. I think there have been some good suggestions on here, any of which would probably have an impact. I think my own approach from where you are at would be to have a bit of an honest chat about your own impressions of the day and get her to acknowledge that it needs to be different next time, with a threat that if it isn't she misses whatever it is she really wants to do after that - whether it's the event at the school (is it that school??) or whatever... The combination of treating like and adult with threats of unwanted consequences usually works with mine but you've got more experience than I have ;) and will know what will work with yours... Best of luck, do let us know how it progresses :cool:
 
wish you were my mum ;)

Joking aside, she will only do it herself when she has no back-up to pass the buck to.

Perhaps ring her when you are an hour away and give her a 'kick' down the phone to make sure horse is washed and plaited at least?

My mum comes with me to every event and lesson etc but I do all of the work/planning/cleaning/loading myself as 1. I worry something will get left behind and 2. I moved out at 16 to be a working pupil so am used to it and have a little routine I like to stick to (and probably most importantly, it's not her job anyway! :))
 
TableDancer said:
It's an easy trap to fall into but equally it's a slippery slope. I think there have been some good suggestions on here, any of which would probably have an impact. I think my own approach from where you are at would be to have a bit of an honest chat about your own impressions of the day and get her to acknowledge that it needs to be different next time, with a threat that if it isn't she misses whatever it is she really wants to do after that - whether it's the event at the school (is it that school??) or whatever... The combination of treating like and adult with threats of unwanted consequences usually works with mine but you've got more experience than I have ;) and will know what will work with yours... Best of luck, do let us know how it progresses :cool:
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Not sure which school you mean, so probably not 'that school' :confused::D

I've had a bit of an informal chat with her about it but I'm going to get serious about it, especially after reading the responses from the parents and kids here all of whom obviously handle it a lot better than we do. I've agreed to take her and someone else to Larkhill in a couple of weeks and the other girl is older and a lot more serious about it, so hopefully it'll rub off on her.

Thanks again everyone, I'm so pleased nobody's threatened to call the social on me or simply told me i'm a terrible person etc etc. Lovely, polite threads can happen ;)
 
Ignition said:
I think Charlie Sheen will be sober before she ever successfully gets herself organised for something
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! Nicely said....

Well, if she can't be bothered to prep said horse.....and either screws up competition or misses something....tell her she's bi-winning.

She has to learn to do these things herself, it's part of growing up :)
 
doratheexplorer said:
O wow!! I have waited 20 years to get a horse, and would have happily swapped my little brother and slept in my horses stable if my parents were even remotely interested!!

If i were you, I would say "No, I am not taking you, instead I am collecting your horse, and going on a fun ride untill you clean/prepare etc yourself and prove to me your responsible enough to go eventing!!"

Please adopt me... :D:p
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hahaha glad I'm not the only one!!!

I've been riding 30 years and my parents still pretty much think horses are equivalent to burning tenners!

The only show they have ever helped me prepare for was the fancy dress class at a local gymkana when I was four. My mum made my costume.... for many years neither of them saw me ride, when I was about six and started riding at a riding school rather than on the neighbours pony they started sitting in the car reading a book while I had my lesson, and when I was older they would go home and come back to pick me up at the end of the day. I guess it was about 5 years ago that they came to a show I was competing at just to watch, and since then they turn up to occasional shows for a little while to snap some pictures and watch the interesting bits.

I remember seeing the kids with pushy parents and being envious and thinking if only we could swap! :o
 
KristmasKatt said:
hahaha glad I'm not the only one!!!

I've been riding 30 years and my parents still pretty much think horses are equivalent to burning tenners!

The only show they have ever helped me prepare for was the fancy dress class at a local gymkana when I was four. My mum made my costume.... for many years neither of them saw me ride, when I was about six and started riding at a riding school rather than on the neighbours pony they started sitting in the car reading a book while I had my lesson, and when I was older they would go home and come back to pick me up at the end of the day. I guess it was about 5 years ago that they came to a show I was competing at just to watch, and since then they turn up to occasional shows for a little while to snap some pictures and watch the interesting bits.

I remember seeing the kids with pushy parents and being envious and thinking if only we could swap! :o
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Oh bless you. I have lots of kids so I'm always very conscious of supporting them in everything they do whenever I can, i get paranoid that one will think they aren't getting as much attention as the other etc. I'm sure your parents were proud of you though, it's just that horses are very boring to some I suppose!
 
Being a parent is a challenge imho. You might make mistake x and I might make mistake y, someone would have to be really out of order before I would cast a stone at them.

My daughter is a bit older than yours and has decided not to go to uni so is working full time. I often find that she seems lack time and money management skills among other things, it is very hard to take a step back but I am trying to.
 
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