Molasses
Well-Known Member
Patterdale lessons – 24 things I’ve learned from living with a Patterdale
Just for fun
1.Patterdales are like bond villains, conniving, egotistical, narcissistic spending their time digging underground volcano layers and being sensationalist and ridiculous. But your story would be less interesting if they weren’t around
2.Patterdales have enormous egos. This dog believes he’s king of the canines, lord of all he surveys, bringer of death, emperor of emperors. All the crawls, leaps and chirps is his. Unless it’s scary. Then he will run away.
3.Should his ego be bruised, say by an electric fence, a stray boot, a car door or a weight dropped from height then vengeance shall be swift and terrifying. Cower ye puny mortal who happened to be first on the scene of the crime! For a Patterdale’s wrath shall be fully inflicted upon the first creature he sees. Caught his tail in the electric fence - a red mist descends on his brain and if you are unfortunate enough to be nearby – prepare to receive the full force of growls, snarls and accusations of betrayal. He will begin preparing his lasers and shark pits immediately for you have slighted his Patterdaleness.
4.A Patterdales bark is not the delightful yip yip of other small dogs. No indeed this bark is like the unleashing of hell. Like the lid of Pandora’s box banging in your nightmares. This bark sounds like something will be dismembered, soon, and with glorious malevolence. He might be just greeting you with a happy bark as you pull in the drive and he means to say ‘hello servant’ but what everyone hears is ‘Death! Death to all’ even an excited bark while out surveying his domain (walking) will be misinterpreted by all strangers as “Dear God that dog is going to kill us all’ simply because of its terrifying tones.
5.A Patterdale will teach you patience. This virtue will be learned as you wait him out at the edge of whatever new burrow he has disappeared down. No coaxing, yelling or cajoling will entice him out until he’s good and ready and not until he’s given that badger/bunny/weasel a good talking to.
6.Patterdales are obsessed with holes. Big, small, muddy, smelly, cobwebbed or new. Holes are wonderful things. If it’s big enough he’ll dive deep into their depths and conduct an barking orchestra of snarls that echo up from deep in the layers of geology. If it’s shallow or too small he will bury his head in as far as it will go and inhale the sweet sweet smell of hole.
7.Patterdales don’t so much wish they were taller as they wish everyone else was smaller. Once picked up they ride upon your shoulders, perched with dignity and looking for a weakness in the defences not seen from below. They will only pretend to love you to take advantage of this extra height.
8.Patterdales will not tolerate inclement weather. This is the universe mocking them. The will sit on the doorstep in rain, snow and hail blaming you. They will not go outside without pushing and forceful talking to. Once outside they will resent you. Being forced to experience weather is akin to having their ego bruised...therefore see no. 3 for how this will now play out.
9.Patterdales will visit death upon small things, and sometimes not so small things in a quick, efficient way with a delighted smile on their face. It would be all-right if it wasn’t for that smile. In that smile you imagine a bath-time-slip incident in your future followed by swift dispatch by your Patterdale. The last thing you’ll see is that damn smile.
10.Food is a challenge. Not so much sustenance as a speed derby.
11.Everything is food if you look at it the right way.
12.Other dogs play with sticks. Patterdales take on whole oak trees. When it’s obvious they are going to loose they will bark at the tree for starting the fight in the first place. See no. 4 for the barking problem. Strangers walking by will think you’ve just kicked him such is the force of anger in this bark.
13.All toys belong to the Patterdale. A Patterdale can fit at least 3 tennis balls in his mouth at once and then blame the other dog if he can’t breath properly.
14.Patterdales are thieves, all of them, not just thieves but con-men. Like professional criminals Patterdale’s remove all evidence. They probably take up the carpet and ring for a courier to collect it and get it professionally cleaned. At least you have to assume that as the carpet is gone. That butter tub was always empty. Oh that packet of sausages, no you never actually bought them. Only a fool dog would leave the evidence of their guilt. And Patterdales are no fools.
15.Patterdales are quick to test you, slow to forgive you and always looking for the advantage, they are conniving, and entitled members of the canine Bullingdon club. If your Patterdale comes with the classic 3 piece suit look, how suave, how debonair, how absolutely complete is his evil disguise. Dressed in a white shirt and tie front, with his dark coat and two tiny white socks at the back he is always dressed up ready for his lines in the Bond Casino Scene. Like those scenes there will be much spinning of furniture and gunshots when a Patterdale is nearby.
16.When a Patterdale disappears he will eventually come back, whether you like it or not. Worry not, he will recruit players and henchmen and bend them to his will and be returned to you. Unfortunately.
17.Patterdales are bullies and cowards, though they’d never admit it, when surrounded by larger dumber or less villainous dogs (perhaps Labradors), they will play the ultimate con (a Patterdales favourite movie is the Usual Suspects) and pretend to be cute and submission. The minute those Labradors are any distance away the Patterdale will bark and snarl just to show them that he could have taken them with both paws tied behind his back if he’s wanted to.
18.If you are being boring a Patterdale will sit and growl at you, just to see if he can make you more interesting.
19.Patterdales don’t do mornings. Mornings are for loser dogs that like going out into weather. Want a morning dog get a Collie. Want to be part of nefarious schemes – get a Patterdale.
20.Patterdales are Chuck Norris kinda dogs, things do so much happen to them as they happen to things. Things like scenery and vegetation.
21.The extinction of the dinosaurs was caused by the Patterdale. Mammoths – same thing.
22.In the Pentagon, deep in the lower levels, locked in a glass room with only a glass chess set for company is a Patterdale. No one knows what that particular Patterdale did. But it was bad, really really bad.
23.When a Patterdale is injured (properly injured, not just a bruised ego) then you will discover that actually inside the layer of skin is a layer of bullet proof titanium. It’s very hard to actually injure a Patterdale and usually a good soaking in Dettol will revive them. Think your Patterdale has been concussed. Just wait 5mins (enjoy the peace and quiet) they’ll be back on their feet and terrorising the neighbourhood before you can boil an egg.
24.Patterdales are the ultimate thief for they will steal your heart and never give it back.
Just for fun
1.Patterdales are like bond villains, conniving, egotistical, narcissistic spending their time digging underground volcano layers and being sensationalist and ridiculous. But your story would be less interesting if they weren’t around
2.Patterdales have enormous egos. This dog believes he’s king of the canines, lord of all he surveys, bringer of death, emperor of emperors. All the crawls, leaps and chirps is his. Unless it’s scary. Then he will run away.
3.Should his ego be bruised, say by an electric fence, a stray boot, a car door or a weight dropped from height then vengeance shall be swift and terrifying. Cower ye puny mortal who happened to be first on the scene of the crime! For a Patterdale’s wrath shall be fully inflicted upon the first creature he sees. Caught his tail in the electric fence - a red mist descends on his brain and if you are unfortunate enough to be nearby – prepare to receive the full force of growls, snarls and accusations of betrayal. He will begin preparing his lasers and shark pits immediately for you have slighted his Patterdaleness.
4.A Patterdales bark is not the delightful yip yip of other small dogs. No indeed this bark is like the unleashing of hell. Like the lid of Pandora’s box banging in your nightmares. This bark sounds like something will be dismembered, soon, and with glorious malevolence. He might be just greeting you with a happy bark as you pull in the drive and he means to say ‘hello servant’ but what everyone hears is ‘Death! Death to all’ even an excited bark while out surveying his domain (walking) will be misinterpreted by all strangers as “Dear God that dog is going to kill us all’ simply because of its terrifying tones.
5.A Patterdale will teach you patience. This virtue will be learned as you wait him out at the edge of whatever new burrow he has disappeared down. No coaxing, yelling or cajoling will entice him out until he’s good and ready and not until he’s given that badger/bunny/weasel a good talking to.
6.Patterdales are obsessed with holes. Big, small, muddy, smelly, cobwebbed or new. Holes are wonderful things. If it’s big enough he’ll dive deep into their depths and conduct an barking orchestra of snarls that echo up from deep in the layers of geology. If it’s shallow or too small he will bury his head in as far as it will go and inhale the sweet sweet smell of hole.
7.Patterdales don’t so much wish they were taller as they wish everyone else was smaller. Once picked up they ride upon your shoulders, perched with dignity and looking for a weakness in the defences not seen from below. They will only pretend to love you to take advantage of this extra height.
8.Patterdales will not tolerate inclement weather. This is the universe mocking them. The will sit on the doorstep in rain, snow and hail blaming you. They will not go outside without pushing and forceful talking to. Once outside they will resent you. Being forced to experience weather is akin to having their ego bruised...therefore see no. 3 for how this will now play out.
9.Patterdales will visit death upon small things, and sometimes not so small things in a quick, efficient way with a delighted smile on their face. It would be all-right if it wasn’t for that smile. In that smile you imagine a bath-time-slip incident in your future followed by swift dispatch by your Patterdale. The last thing you’ll see is that damn smile.
10.Food is a challenge. Not so much sustenance as a speed derby.
11.Everything is food if you look at it the right way.
12.Other dogs play with sticks. Patterdales take on whole oak trees. When it’s obvious they are going to loose they will bark at the tree for starting the fight in the first place. See no. 4 for the barking problem. Strangers walking by will think you’ve just kicked him such is the force of anger in this bark.
13.All toys belong to the Patterdale. A Patterdale can fit at least 3 tennis balls in his mouth at once and then blame the other dog if he can’t breath properly.
14.Patterdales are thieves, all of them, not just thieves but con-men. Like professional criminals Patterdale’s remove all evidence. They probably take up the carpet and ring for a courier to collect it and get it professionally cleaned. At least you have to assume that as the carpet is gone. That butter tub was always empty. Oh that packet of sausages, no you never actually bought them. Only a fool dog would leave the evidence of their guilt. And Patterdales are no fools.
15.Patterdales are quick to test you, slow to forgive you and always looking for the advantage, they are conniving, and entitled members of the canine Bullingdon club. If your Patterdale comes with the classic 3 piece suit look, how suave, how debonair, how absolutely complete is his evil disguise. Dressed in a white shirt and tie front, with his dark coat and two tiny white socks at the back he is always dressed up ready for his lines in the Bond Casino Scene. Like those scenes there will be much spinning of furniture and gunshots when a Patterdale is nearby.
16.When a Patterdale disappears he will eventually come back, whether you like it or not. Worry not, he will recruit players and henchmen and bend them to his will and be returned to you. Unfortunately.
17.Patterdales are bullies and cowards, though they’d never admit it, when surrounded by larger dumber or less villainous dogs (perhaps Labradors), they will play the ultimate con (a Patterdales favourite movie is the Usual Suspects) and pretend to be cute and submission. The minute those Labradors are any distance away the Patterdale will bark and snarl just to show them that he could have taken them with both paws tied behind his back if he’s wanted to.
18.If you are being boring a Patterdale will sit and growl at you, just to see if he can make you more interesting.
19.Patterdales don’t do mornings. Mornings are for loser dogs that like going out into weather. Want a morning dog get a Collie. Want to be part of nefarious schemes – get a Patterdale.
20.Patterdales are Chuck Norris kinda dogs, things do so much happen to them as they happen to things. Things like scenery and vegetation.
21.The extinction of the dinosaurs was caused by the Patterdale. Mammoths – same thing.
22.In the Pentagon, deep in the lower levels, locked in a glass room with only a glass chess set for company is a Patterdale. No one knows what that particular Patterdale did. But it was bad, really really bad.
23.When a Patterdale is injured (properly injured, not just a bruised ego) then you will discover that actually inside the layer of skin is a layer of bullet proof titanium. It’s very hard to actually injure a Patterdale and usually a good soaking in Dettol will revive them. Think your Patterdale has been concussed. Just wait 5mins (enjoy the peace and quiet) they’ll be back on their feet and terrorising the neighbourhood before you can boil an egg.
24.Patterdales are the ultimate thief for they will steal your heart and never give it back.
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