please kick me/remind me why i'm doing this?

Bowen4Horses

Bowen4Horses

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 March 2009
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4,970
Location
South Lincs/North Cambs
www.poppywebber.co.uk
***total self pitying ramble alert ***

as i'm sure some of you know, i recently moved house so that i could keep raff at home. and i also had a baby (now 2 months old).

i've uprooted my kids, moved to a house half the size, left all my friends behind, my hubby has extra 3hrs a day in the car commuting. raff was in a livery yard with a good manege, sweet people etc etc. and all so i could have raff at home.

i'm sitting here. dreading going out to do the horses. i used to look forwrad to seeing them. but now i have to plod through SO much mud. my toddler runs away and empties sugarbeet onto the floor, the baby has to be strapped to me because her pushchair won't go through the mud. and she's getting heavy!

everytime i look at the horses i feel an immense amount of guilt. every penny that we have (and don't have) goes on the horses. yet, i have only ridden Raff ONCE in 6 months. and, whilst my husband is a darling and very supportive, i can tell he's wondering why on earth we're doing all of this. i tell him i can't ride as we don't have a saddle that fits. and i can't have a saddle fitter out, as there is nowhere for me to ride him/try saddles out.
so, my husband helps me buy a lorry. we have literally spent EVERY penny that we have on the lorry. to the extent that i thought it was going to run out of diesel on the way home and we had no money to put more in until payday! but i don't even have the motivation to go out there and even see if raff fits in.

there is so much work to be done on the land, to keep the horses. we have had to fence it all, put stables up etc. and now need to put a whole new drive/track in. i just can't help but think we should never have moved. i'm lonely, i can't do anything fun as i don't have time/money because of the horses. i can't take the kids out because i simply don't have enough hours in the day to do everything. i miss my friends, i miss my old house, i miss raff being on a yard with HARDSTANDING and being able to get the farrier/dentist/saddler out.

now,, the poor thing is standing in a field of mud. not being ridden, getting excessively hairy and wasting away. costing a small fortune. my husband is working his fingers to the bone trying to fit in work, commuting and also doing all the work for the horses (fencing, stables etc all put up by him). i feel so guilty. why on earth have i done this to my family?

i'm sorry for the total whinge. it's VERY out of character for me to moan like this. but i haven't spoken to an adult for DAYS and i can't tell my hubby how i feel because it would break his heart.
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does anyone want to kick me?
or tell me what i should do?
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Sell the lorry.

Put the child in nursary for a few hours a week.

Make plans for spring.

Join the WI (I'm serious).

Get a livery (or two).

(((( Hugs ))))) It's a crap time of year and it's been sooo wet. Things will get better. One step at a time.



.
 
OK....slaps not necessary.

Think about it...this is a CRAP time of year....not enough daylight hours, everything is covered in mud. On a ride-to-cost ratio.....no horses are value for money at this time of year, unless you have an indoor arena.

Your OH wouldnt have agreed to the move unless he wanted to....

It is hard with young ones and horses...all I can say is it gets easier. This time of year I spend all my time looking forward to the better weather, lighter evenings and horses living out...it gest me through the days when its all dark and wet. Come summer time......raff will be out in the grassy field, you will have no mucking out to do...just a gentle stroll to the field with the kids.

Bear in mind you have only recently had a baby too...combined with all the house selling and moving upheaval...perhaps its all just hitting you now? Your OH sounds lovely...I would chat with him because if you bottle it all up he will know somethings not right.

Chin up hun.....nearly christmas, then spring and summer are on their way.

(((((((hugs)))))))))
 
I think you need to prioritise. You have two small children and a husband who need you. It is not possible to do everything, especially in the winter - unless you have LOADS of money.

I think you should take a step back from your horse for a couple of years until your children are a little older. If you have no time to ride your horse then you will have no time to compete him and so you really do not need the luxury of a lorry. Sell it and relieve yourself of that financial burden. Accept that for a few years you will just ride at the weekends when your husband can look after the children.

Your horse will be perfectly OK being hairy and semi-fit for a couple of years, it won't kill him.

I keep my horse at home and at first I did not have perfect facilities, they come with time. In time you will also make new horse friends and your children will help you make friends with women who live locally with babies. You might even get involved with getting people to look after them for a couple of hours.
 
awww im so sorry to hear you feeling like this. have you got enough room so you could have some one keep thier horse with you give you a bit of company and go ridding with?
I have gone years with out hard standing and last year got hold of some old slabs and have laid them down, look at local adverts some people give them away!
Also can you not ride in the field so the saddler can sort you out a saddle?
Hope things getter better for you soon

P.S you sound like you have a very lovely and understanding husband!
 
First of all, have a big ((((((hug))))). You poor thing. As you say you moved (and I remember what a song and dance THAT was with the baby imminent) you've had a new baby and now you feel you are being guilt tripped by your horse. I know it's easy to say, but do you think you might be a bit hormonal after the baby? It sounds like it's all just too much all at once. Perhaps a chat with your health visitor or GP might help? I think your husband might be more understanding than you think too. He obviously loves you very much and would probably be devastated to think that you felt you couldn't talk to him about it. After all you are not moaning or ungrateful, just upset and worried.

Nothing more useful to add except, don't worry about Raff - he doesn't care about being hairy and unridden.
 
Your horse does not mind if he is wasting away in a field (as long as he's not literally wasting away?!
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).

I think things like the fact that you have just moved, just had a baby and its winter affects people more than you think. Isn't moving house one of themost stressful things you cna ever do?

I would set yourself an aim for the new year, tell your horse that he is having the next four months off, what a treat for him, and just enjoy having your new baby and her first christmas and new house. Stop giving yourself such a hard time too!

Then when spring comes round, everything will look brighter, days are longer so you'll have more time to do everything.
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you have had a lot to contend with recently haven't you, with a new baby and moving, usually when you have a baby it is a time when you need to take a step back and let the yard help with your horse but having them at home you can't do this. We moved from a lovely house to a wreck of a house so that we could have the horses at home and i feel guilty because my husband has to spend all of his time building but saying that we both love our new rural lifestyle. The mud this year is the worst it has been and i know what it is like when you can't even lunge because the ground is too wet. You could do with some help couldn't you, would it be possible to get a livery in, what is the hacking like where you are, maybe someone who doesn't need a menage, although you would need to be careful who you took on, and then at least you would have some company and maybe could take turns to turn out and bring in etc. Also you need to find a mother and baby group or such like where you live so that you can make contact with other young mums, maybe put toddler into nursery for a few hours a week then you can carry baby over to stables and place in pushchair while you muck out, if there is no where to stand pushchair could you not ask hubby if you could put something down temporarily, we had a load of railway sleepers given to us which would have done the job or maybe some paving slabs, just until you can put some concrete down at a later date. Cheer up, if push comes to shove it won't do horses any harm to be rugged up and left out to give you a break. Anyone in your position would be fed up, i think you need to find some company, maybe invite some of your old friends over for lunch or something.
Just think how great it will be in the future when you have made new friends, the sun is shining and you are spending time with the kids and their pony.
 
Poor you honey. Going through a crap time myself, I can more than sympathise. It must be so hard, trying to do it all.
One thought: could you maybe advertise for someone to come and help - one of the ladies I work with has two teenage daughters and they have 'adopted' two horses near them whose owners are having protracted medical treatment - they don't pay anything but go out to the horses, groom them, fuss them, feed them, change rugs etc. Maybe you could look for something similar?
It will get better.
It will get better.
It will get better.
 
Ah bless you, i felt the same when we bought our smallholding in march and i hadn't just had a baby! Poor you. Its very hard getting used to being at a new house and affording everything that needs doing. Everything takes time, we have been there 9 months now and still a lot of things need doing but it will be worth it. Summer was amazing with the horses at home, no mud, you could just lie in the field with them, my 4 yr old son loved summer there too as he had so much freedom.
It may not feel like it now but i promise you it WILL get better. I moved from all my friends too but you will soon make friends, we know quite a lot of people now and our old friends come and visit from time to time.
Bless you, don't feel guilty, i think its all a part of getting used to the new things and although at first i missed the livery yard a bit, i love them being on their own now!
Hopoe you start to smile again very soon.
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Oh CCP I wish you were round the corner, but you can have a hug and a virtual coffee - I just put the kettle on.

You need some mummy friends I think. Look on Netmums, find your local NCT, and make the effort when there is an opportunity to go out get everything ready to go (food bibs nappies etc prepare your bag the night before and leave by the door), next morning to do everything quickly and STOP at the appropriate time - leave what's not done - and go with the kids to the local church toddler group/NCT or whatever. You need to get out! I was like this and found that I made the excuses not to go but actually all mums are in the same boat - and I was lucky to find a friend lived just round the corner and we used to regularly meet up for gossip, we'd also have the other's child round to play allowing us to get on with our own things from time to time and sometimes we'd do stuff together to share the burden . Could you also offer a one day a week share of Raff to free up a day for you? Also Raff will be fine with some time off from riding just sitting in a field. He may well prefer it you never know. I'm sure it'll do him good to take a chilled out if muddy winter break at least. Or maybe longer - what's the rush?

I'm coming to this from the other extreme - we just got 2 ponies to go in the field behind our house (cue frantic fencing etc etc) and I'm thinking it's OK and we are coping fine, everything is getting done, the ponies seem happy they have enough grass despite the mud and we've still another field too, so will be FAB in the summer - the weather is SO EXCEPTIONALLY crappy, really the worst we've ever had rain-wise in the 14 years we've been here BUT this isn't too bad considering we can't ride before or after school (too dark) we have no school, can't ride in the field (too muddy - normally well drained enough after an hour since rain stopped), and most weekends it rains anyway. So it's quite OK now BUT the summer will be BRILLIANT I keep thinking. And I can't do much at home during the day as I've staff off ill (again, but I'm on here as I'm waiting for someone on the phone to fix something technical with our PDQ machine)

As I've nothing to compare it to (unlike you) it's actually quite good and it is fun to see the ponies out of the kitchen window, to potter down there and pat them, or to go and poo pick (am a bit overwhelmed at the volume of poo actually - hubby just thinks he's going to dig it all in to the vege plot....he's had to plan the extension to the plot) but I do know I am at an advantage as my daughter is at school - you have 2 kids under 5 / your feet.

And you do need mummy friends. I'm sure there will be someone out there who a) likes or has ponies and b) has same age kids, but you have got to get off here and go out to find them.
There is a mummy horsie forum on Mumsnet , not as popular as here but you may find someone there near you. Or put an advert in the local tack shop for other horsey mummies to meet up with for a coffee. eg New to the area mum with 2 under 5s and a horse at home would love to meet with other horsey mums for chit chat, hacks etc.
Above all please do make the effort to get out and about and meet some other mums, I'm sure it'll help immensely even if they're not horsey (they can learn to be can't they?) you just do need to find someone you like and enjoy chatting to and trust, so in time when they've popped round for tea one day you can just say would you mind keeping an eye on my 2 for a few mins I've just got to sort Raff - and you can scoot down and change his rug/feed him/do whatever for 10 minutes as opposed the 45 minutes it takes with 2 in tow, that's the sort of person you need to meet - even if it does mean you have to hold the fort at their house every now and then while they clean out their rabbits /clean the kitchen floor/disinfect their loo/pop to the supermarket or whatever!

Sorry such an essay - bloke now decided the problem with our PDQ machine is it needs a new sim card.
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I can sympathise, I've been feeling similar and I haven't just had a baby! We moved the horses from a nice yard to our own place (not at home), we had to do LOADS of work to it, and didn't get everything done in time for winter.

We have the same issues as you, with no hardstanding, LOADS of mud etc etc, and I was feeling really down in the dumps as I had moved them to make me happier, yet it was all turning into a bit of a disaster, and my OH seemed to be spending every weekend down there with me trying to sort something out.

It will get better, we've had the wettest November ever - it cant get any worse! The weather will get colder and hopefully the ground will dry out a bit, and before you know it, it will be spring again and you can get some people in to do an area of hardstanding (my plan anyway!)....you will have months to sort things out, and then next winter you will probably laugh at the hellish time you've had this winter.

It doesn't matter if you don't ride for a bit, or if you are not even really doing anything with Raff, it really is only a few months left until the weather improves, and you can pick it all up again then. Are you bringing him in? If so could you not leave him out at night to make your life a bit easier?

Big virtual hug coming your way! xx
 
If you are planning to have Mark Fisher (Wisbech) to do the saddle, he has a school and is happy for clients to visit him. Mark also has kids so I'm sure him and the Mrs will be very understanding if you are a bit frazzled.

My field is rapidly going down hill, so I will probably have to travel to Mark if my saddle needs adjusting before spring.

I know absolutely nowt about kids, but have to say some of the forums mentioned in posts above sound perfect for you. At least you can get on them when its dark and get dobbins etc done during daylight.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Do you own the house/land?

[/ QUOTE ]

yes, own it. house is lovely, and was completely 'done' and ready to move into. land however was not, and there is not enough of it (not even 2 acres, and we need to allocate some of it to the kids for a garden. so 24/7 turnout isn't an option unless i put down all weather turnout stuff (more money...
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)

i'm also looking for more land to rent. so hopefully that will help

x
 
thank you all for your lovely replies. i think i just needed to write it all down and acknowledge i'm stuck in a miserable rut.

the good news is, it's VERY out of character for me, as i'm usually a total fighter and never ever get down. so, i shall stop dwelling on the awful mud out there, and be positive.

today i will:
-put postcards up in local shops asking for land to rent
-look into preschool for my toddler (think he should be getting free preschool soon?)
-look on Netmums (gulp)
-buy a big bag of carrots for the horses and apologise to them for the mud
-make my husband a nice dinner and tell him how i feel
-have the lovely kerilli round for coffee. she will tell me off, and remind me how much raff doesn't mind being a fat, hairy slob

apologies for the drivel. i can't believe, at 31 years old, i'm having to ask for a kick up the bottom.
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Everyone else has said what I wanted to say, but so much better than me, so here are some extra (hugs). My daughter is 1 now, I struggled last winter and that was with my horse on part-livery and my parents helping to look after my daughter a lot.

I think free pre-school is available from 3 year olds. Have you got a children's centre nearby (used to be surestart) to go to some of their groups?

I just wanted to suggest a better sling for you to use to carry your baby whilst you're around the horses. I use a patapum and still carry my daughter on my front occasionally, but on my back mostly to get my horsey chores done. It's also handy being hands-free out and about. I used a baby-bjorn to begin with, but the patapum is much better for my back and shoulders - all the weight is transferred to your hips, and it's ok to carry babies/toddlers up to 40lbs.
 
I sort of know how you feel except for the baby bit, my two are alittle older.

10 days ago I moved from a livery yard with fantastic facilities to my own place , stables and land just next to my house, with no facilities. I too have wondered what the hell have I done, coping with mud, etc.

I have come in from "my " yard in an awful mood but I'm finding it hard and then had a good talk to myself on how lucky I am.

It will get better and I'm sure when spring/ summer arrives the winter will seem a distant memory.

Rome wasn't built in a day, fingers crossed the rainy days stop and I can ride, but the forecast for me tomorrow is fog !!
 
Poor you hun, bigs hugs! I've also got 2 young kids, moved house in the summer and got my first horse in the summer, so know how manic it all is. I am fortunate in that neddy is in livery, but fitting everything is is manic most days! walking dogs, sorting out kids for nursery, riding(if I'm lucky), housework, doing dinner, trying to do up old house to rent out, christmas, seeing friends to keep me sane, the list is never ending and just gets longer!
I normally survive on a day to day basis!

But neddy will be fine not doing much and pretending to be a hippo. See if you can get someone to help out. Not sure if he's safe to hack, but even if you got someone to come and hack him, whilst you walked with the kids will get you out of the house once a week maybe?

My youngest is 16months and eldest was 3 in October. I have got a really got back pack carrier which the youngest loves going in, she can stroke the horses and won't get trodden on. I take my 3 year old down to the field to poo pick in the wheel barrow and we play "spot the poo", he's got an all in one waterproof so can jump in as much mud as he wants and stays dry. And my sister and I book our lessons one after the other so she can hold small child whilst I ride. The eldest goes to pre-school and nursery a few mornings a week (free the start of term after they are 3 for 15 hours a week) which is a godsend.

Young babies are hard work and tiring (I know those sleepless nights well!!) but don't try to do too much too soon, it just won't happen!! Set yourself small goals and prioritise what really needs doing. It does get easier, you just don't realise it at the time! (I know I didn't!)

Oh, and accept that everything takes AGES with 2 small kids in tow! What used to take 10 mins with no kids will now take you an hour. It still gets me annoyed sometimes that I run round like a headless chicken, my house is a mess, my hair needs a wash and I'm always tired, but I just take a step back and breathe!! (this post has taken me about 40mins to type what with kids with dirty nappies, not sharing toys, the youngest doing a good immpretion of a limpet on my leg, eldest wanting a wee and both wanting something to eat and drink!)

Talk to hubby, am sure he will understand, youve done a lot recently and having a baby does make you tired.

Phew! Quick click on post, haven't got time to spell check!
 
well, you'll all be pleased to hear i've dragged myself out of my dreadful mood.

i think it's the weather and how short the days are. there literally is not enough time in the day to get everything done. and you wouldn't believe the amount of MUD out there. unbelievable!

i guess i just have to get through winter... and hopefully sort the land issue out in spring, thank you all for kind words.... i promise it's very out of character to be such a whinger.
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x
 
hello dont forget you have just had a baby you may be feeling a little depressed and when that happens nothing seems to feel good also that would explain the lack of enthusiasam for your horse , i get it this time of year and motivation is really hard and not really there , look at the good, it sounds like you have a wonderful husband who will move heaven and earth to make you happy , my man would never do any of those things for me, not in million years , your children will grow so quick before your eyes so enjoy them , give yourself some time off from the horse and maybe give him a rest only do what you have to the weather is bad and that makes us all miserable , you are very lucky to have what you have so enjoy the good and dismiss the bad till you feel better good luck xxxxxx
 
[ QUOTE ]
***total self pitying ramble alert ***

as i'm sure some of you know, i recently moved house so that i could keep raff at home. and i also had a baby (now 2 months old).

i've uprooted my kids, moved to a house half the size, left all my friends behind, my hubby has extra 3hrs a day in the car commuting. raff was in a livery yard with a good manege, sweet people etc etc. and all so i could have raff at home.

i'm sitting here. dreading going out to do the horses. i used to look forwrad to seeing them. but now i have to plod through SO much mud. my toddler runs away and empties sugarbeet onto the floor, the baby has to be strapped to me because her pushchair won't go through the mud. and she's getting heavy!

everytime i look at the horses i feel an immense amount of guilt. every penny that we have (and don't have) goes on the horses. yet, i have only ridden Raff ONCE in 6 months. and, whilst my husband is a darling and very supportive, i can tell he's wondering why on earth we're doing all of this. i tell him i can't ride as we don't have a saddle that fits. and i can't have a saddle fitter out, as there is nowhere for me to ride him/try saddles out.
so, my husband helps me buy a lorry. we have literally spent EVERY penny that we have on the lorry. to the extent that i thought it was going to run out of diesel on the way home and we had no money to put more in until payday! but i don't even have the motivation to go out there and even see if raff fits in.

there is so much work to be done on the land, to keep the horses. we have had to fence it all, put stables up etc. and now need to put a whole new drive/track in. i just can't help but think we should never have moved. i'm lonely, i can't do anything fun as i don't have time/money because of the horses. i can't take the kids out because i simply don't have enough hours in the day to do everything. i miss my friends, i miss my old house, i miss raff being on a yard with HARDSTANDING and being able to get the farrier/dentist/saddler out.

now,, the poor thing is standing in a field of mud. not being ridden, getting excessively hairy and wasting away. costing a small fortune. my husband is working his fingers to the bone trying to fit in work, commuting and also doing all the work for the horses (fencing, stables etc all put up by him). i feel so guilty. why on earth have i done this to my family?

i'm sorry for the total whinge. it's VERY out of character for me to moan like this. but i haven't spoken to an adult for DAYS and i can't tell my hubby how i feel because it would break his heart.
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does anyone want to kick me?
or tell me what i should do?
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[/ QUOTE ]
Now you know why good livery costs
smile.gif
. I have 10 horses on full livery and 10 happy owners. My hair is quickly going grey and my feet are more like that of a ducks but hey ho! Spring will arrive and we will all be saying how wonderful it is to be horse owners
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Isnt there someone who could help out for a couple of days a week? Ive now got myself a groom as my general health was on the brink of collapse and Im sure you would see the world with different eyes if you werent so shagged out. Put him on half loan and enjoy your family
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I wish you the very best and hope you can sort something out soon.
 
Pleny of (((((hugs))))))) girl, and You and the OH have just moved, it's been the wettest November for 10 years. It's winter give you and Raffe time off, there's deep mud everywhere. what with the high winds heavey rain, I haven't ridden for a while and my horses are in deep mud at the moment, check their feet at night when I bring them in to see if they still have their shoes on. Very cold weather on the way, just think frozen water pipes, ground, roads slippy. Think Postive, look for the good things, like Xmas
 
I haven't got much to add that hasn't already been said. My two horses are at home with no facilities except muddy field and stables. I have two young children but am a few years down the line. I turned mine away, sold my transport and didn't ride for over two years as that was the only way I could manage. I've only got back to a few lessons and RC this year. It's hard, but the summer is easier and is something to look forward to. One of the things that got me through was hiring a childminder for a few hours once a week which allowed me to ride/carry out horsey jobs I couldn't do with kids around. If for any reason horses were stabled then I had a freelance groom who helped me once or twice a week. Both cost money that we couldn't really afford, but it did help to keep my sanity and my special time with horsey was something I looked forward to so much.
Hugs to you and think of those lovely summer evenings when you will be able to spend the time on your own land and with your horses. Hugs,

Sue
 
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