Scared Child

topstripelucy

topstripelucy

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Good evening all,

Just wanted to ask your advice.

My daughter has had a lovely 11.2hh pony that we owned for a number of years and she rode well just to the point of cantering. She got too old and unfortunately she died last winter, since then we have not had a pony for her. We now have a lovely saint of a 13.2hh palomino pony on loan for my daughter (10 years old) which is owned by my blacksmith. She is a lovely pony and has not put a foot wrong but she is very forward going, trots fast and nips into canter if turned too sharply. Never done anything else like buck or bronc etc. Problem is my daughter. She rides well, lovely position etc but she is scared!

In the outdoor school she will trot her but that is with trepidation and worry and will only trot one length of the arena. Out hacking she is fabulous, trots for ages and quite fast too, the pony is bombproof and even gets my big 17.2hh ID past things he is wary off LOL!

We had a long chat today about, cost of pony, cost of keeping pony and the fact that her confidence is getting worse not better. She hasnt and wont canter her either! I have thought about taking the pony up to nearby school and pay for a lesson from an instructor I know (since she wont listen to me - I am an AI too!) but she refuses to go as she is too scared.

It resulted in tonight her refusing to trot and when she did her legs shot forward, her position went to pot and her face was ashen! I decided that she would not make a rider, she admitted she was too scared but loved the pony.

Do I (a) Keep pony - buy her and hope my daughter will get used to the speed and her being a forward going pony? (b) Give her back to blacksmith who has at least another 2 families wanting to buy her? (c) Try her with an instructor even though she is adament she wont get on her?

I am pretty sure I need to just cut my losses on this one but love the pony myself and know we wont find another saint like that! Grrrr decisions....HELP.....
 
Aw, bless her! Didn't realise it was you when I started reading! Lol

Have you thought about getting her involved in pony club? Maybe just riding with some other kids would help - seeing it's actually fun and the pony's not scary? Bet they can do some sort of taster sessions without you having to pay a full subscription.
 
I would give her time. Losing a horse who meant a lot to you can do this to your confidence as an adult, never mind a child. It will come. In the meantime, if she loves the pony, she is getting some benefit from the arrangement.
 
I think I would find a pony that will give your daughter confidence.
She is only 10 as you say and I think for you to say I decided she would not make a rider is a little harsh.
She would probably be much happier on a pony she feels safe to canter on.
Hope that makes sense. Didn't want to sound mean as I know things on here can be taken the wrong way! :)
 
Why has she got to canter and do fast work? If your daughter enjoys just having a walk why not just leave her to go at what speed she is comfortable at. She might come around to wanting to go faster in her own time
 
Back off let her keep the pony at least at the moment , if you return the pony she may see it as a punishment for being scared.
Perhaps take her for some rides with you on foot no pressure just fun and chat.
 
Pushing her into riding the pony will only push her further away. If you're not happy to keep the pony for her to just do ground work with, then I'd let it go. If you can afford to keep the pony, I would be taking the laid back approach. If she doesn't want to ride him, then fine ... she can groom, do the day to day care etc - perhaps get into in hand showing? Or if her love of horses is great, but not her love of riding, let the pony go, get a lovely little mini shetland or something and let her just enjoy being around horses without the pressure to ride. She could then learn about all the other things you can do with horses, like driving, teaching tricks etc and her confidence may well return with time.

No idea if that helps, but good luck either way! Kids eh!

Ems
xx
 
Sorry to say this but I had exactly the same thing with my daughter. Her pony was a little forward going and frightened her to the point where we were going backwards for ages and eventually she wouldn't even get on the pony. I'm afraid much as she loved the pony I bit the bullet, sold the pony and started her on lessons at a riding school.

Her pony went a year ago and we've gone from being terrified to do anything other than walk with a leader to now walk, trot and canter as well as small jumps in canter and all off the lead rein. It turned out that she just needed to ride a really slow and steady plod of a pony for a while. The one she rides now is a fairly whizzy 14.1 fell pony, and she's only 8 but it works because she gained confidence on the slow and steady plod, oh and didn't have me teaching her any more :o
 
Nervous children can come round and gain confidence but usually at their own pace, with a good sympathetic instructor and the right pony. It sounds to me as if this pony as good as it is may just be too sharp at the moment, could you take her for some lessons on a more steady type that she could go to the next stage, cantering possibly popping a small jump, once she is over that hurdle she is likely to make rapid progress.
Could you lunge her, this can really help as they know the pony cannot go anywhere, lots of fun exercises to gain confidence, go over poles, start to canter once she feels ready, take some pressure off by going back a step or two, most kids love being lunged and can relax a little more.
 
Goldenstar said:
Back off let her keep the pony at least at the moment , if you return the pony she may see it as a punishment for being scared.
Perhaps take her for some rides with you on foot no pressure just fun and chat.
Click to expand...

Agree!
My niece is extremely nervous and won't canter, mother tends to push which is exactly the way to put her off riding.
 
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O bless you all, thanks everyone for replying and your kind words.

LadyT - yes its me...and yes its decision time. She was in tears tonight...just wanted her to trot around the arena, she did about 5 metres and stopped her and refused to do any more. Just sat in middle of arena crying! She was white as a sheet! Yet out hacking brave, albeit she wont canter! She said she is scared of the speed, she doesnt like it and feels out of control. The thing is the pony is not doing anything just trotting and always pulls up...stalemate we have reached! I have considered lessons with a friends daughter but she is cantering and jumping and Meg wont do it as she thinks the pony may start cantering when she doesnt want to...tbh think I have made the decision that she is not right for Meg just wanted some advice that I doing right thing! Grrrrr

thewonderhorse - no I dont take any offense - it did not come out right on my thread anyway...you are completely right - I dont think this pony is right for her. I imagine her on a nice cob (when she is bigger) that she can hack out on which is more of a kick along type...this pony you dont even need to touch with your legs and its off but in a nice way! If I send Polly home, I may just send her to the RS for a while to get her confidence back!
 
I have 2 daughters who ride & the older one is cantering and popping a little course. Knowing my two girls&the path we have taken to get to current stage,it sounds like the pony is unfortunately not the right one for your daughter:( Confidence is a fragile thing. There is every chance that sticking with this pony could send her either way but why risk it? And (again,I have 2girls and know they'd keep every animal that crossed their path if they could!) of course she loves it & wants to keep it but you as the adult need to decide whether you're happy to keep&pay for a girl's v expensive pet or if it's important to you that she actually rides&gets the whole (potentially wonderful !) experience? Because the whole wonderful experience is possible but it has to be the right (gold dust!) pony:-/. We had one on trial-lovely pony but 3days in,for a couple of reasons,knew he was not&wouldnt ever be,without harming their confidence,the right one for us. He went back-cue weeks of heart tugging 'I miss him,why did he have to go' etc but now we have the right one-am so glad we persevered. Good luck-it sounds like you know in your heart what to do:)
 
I was scared to canter until about age 12. Just sayin.' I only rode lesson horses at the time, didn't lease, but I think it would have been even more traumatic if my parents (not horsey, which probably helped) had been pushy about the issue.

Give your daughter space. If she's happy at walk and trot, let her walk and trot. She may yet find her confidence.
 
A couple of things to think about, is the child riding because she wants to, or because you want her to? If she is happy hacking, why not carry on doing this and leave the school work till the child wants to do it? Is there a goal for the child, if so what is it and does the child want to reach that goal, or has someone else set it for her?
It is very easy to think that a child 'should' be able/willing to do something, when they aren't comfortable doing it.
Second ponies that are too sharp and too forward going can dent even the most gung-ho childs confidence, so one who is worried now may find this one too much.
If hacking out works, stick with it. :)
 
I don't know, if she's safe then maybe persevere a bit longer but just do some fun stuff. Have you tried getting her to do some games or the old style stuff that we used to do as kids (ie round the world and all that kind of stuff) rather than trying to make her 'ride' as such. I had a 13.2hh when I was 10yo and I think I spent the majority of the time just mucking about, riding bareback, playing 'gymkhana' games and all that kind of thing. Maybe she just needs to do stuff like that. Maybe set her some games to do in the school along the lines of mounted games type stuff (nothing taxing) but there can be a 'prize' involved (whatever that may be! :) ).

I still think maybe letting her ride with some other kids would help as then she can get confidence from people her age. Noone listens to their mum after all! :D
 
Ps It would also be better for the pony to go to a home where he can be fully appreciated&achieve his potential,so if there's someone waiting in the wings who might do that,I'd return it to farrier and let him give the others a try. (That isn't meant nastily in any way whatsoever,btw,just a 'side' observation. The one we returned needed a slightly older&more competent child,at a stage that neither of mine were at at that time. I'm sure he will have ended up happier-he looked slightly anxious when ridden and handled by mine!)
 
bikerchickone said:
Sorry to say this but I had exactly the same thing with my daughter. Her pony was a little forward going and frightened her to the point where we were going backwards for ages and eventually she wouldn't even get on the pony. I'm afraid much as she loved the pony I bit the bullet, sold the pony and started her on lessons at a riding school.

Her pony went a year ago and we've gone from being terrified to do anything other than walk with a leader to now walk, trot and canter as well as small jumps in canter and all off the lead rein. It turned out that she just needed to ride a really slow and steady plod of a pony for a while. The one she rides now is a fairly whizzy 14.1 fell pony, and she's only 8 but it works because she gained confidence on the slow and steady plod, oh and didn't have me teaching her any more :o
Click to expand...

Thanks bikerchickone - good advice...RS will get her confidence back. Thanks for that story it has really helped me!

Thanks everyone for your advise...it is all being taken on board. Think I need to sleep on it and have another ride tomorrow and see how that goes. I let her walk around and weave in and out of cones and stop start etc but there is only so long we can do that for. The pony sets off in trot with a whisker of a movement on top and Meg clamps up which makes the pony trot faster.
We hack out every weekend with my big ID and she is super, we have a laugh and even go over the bridlepaths, she trots over the fields fine...just in the school she is scared! I have told her canter will come and not to worry about it...one day she will canter without realising it. My thread comes across like I am a pushy mother and I arent - I live on a busy main A road and cannot hack out everyday with the weekday traffic and my husband wont feed, shoe and buy an expensive pony for one day a week hack and the daughter crying/refusing to ride through the week in the school...its all very stressful!
 
Venevidivici said:
I have 2 daughters who ride & the older one is cantering and popping a little course. Knowing my two girls&the path we have taken to get to current stage,it sounds like the pony is unfortunately not the right one for your daughter:( Confidence is a fragile thing. There is every chance that sticking with this pony could send her either way but why risk it? And (again,I have 2girls and know they'd keep every animal that crossed their path if they could!) of course she loves it & wants to keep it but you as the adult need to decide whether you're happy to keep&pay for a girl's v expensive pet or if it's important to you that she actually rides&gets the whole (potentially wonderful !) experience? Because the whole wonderful experience is possible but it has to be the right (gold dust!) pony:-/. We had one on trial-lovely pony but 3days in,for a couple of reasons,knew he was not&wouldnt ever be,without harming their confidence,the right one for us. He went back-cue weeks of heart tugging 'I miss him,why did he have to go' etc but now we have the right one-am so glad we persevered. Good luck-it sounds like you know in your heart what to do:)
Click to expand...

O you have to me a tee...thank you so much for your help! I think I do know what I need to do too!
 
Some children need a pony who needs winding up to even begin to consider more than a sedate walk- I was one of them. Still am, to an extent! I'd find a pony who was older, slower and needed lots of kicking. My sister had a very whizzy pony (it was a bit of a mad galloper in all honesty- it would take hold and go XC) and it did scare her. Her next pony was a 13.3hh elderly chap who she was tiny on. He was so slow it was painful, but would always jump and was very kind. As she improved, he did get a bit more go-ey. She moved on after a year to a whizzy pony again, confidence sky high :D
 
We bought my granddaughter,aged 7, her pony over 2 years ago, but because we have had no school she is rarely off the lead rein. We let her trot up the road with one of us beside her. She had some group lessons on school horse but was still being led round. Last week a school friend, as a birthday treat took her to share her private lesson. She was trotting round on her own and even ended with a small jump on her own. we could not believe the difference. Perhaps you could try a shared lesson. It seemed more fun with the 2 of them.
 
Just be a little wary of cones etc-for some ponies(who've done it all before!)it suddenly ignites their 'gymkhana head' and they speed up/get excited as they think that's what's expected! ;)
 
Venevidivici said:
Ps It would also be better for the pony to go to a home where he can be fully appreciated&achieve his potential,so if there's someone waiting in the wings who might do that,I'd return it to farrier and let him give the others a try. (That isn't meant nastily in any way whatsoever,btw,just a 'side' observation. The one we returned needed a slightly older&more competent child,at a stage that neither of mine were at at that time. I'm sure he will have ended up happier-he looked slightly anxious when ridden and handled by mine!)
Click to expand...

Thats what I think too...the pony is a STAR but def a second pony and too much for Meg at the moment...the pony never mis-behaves and is a saint. They dont come along very often which is why I am finding this decision hard, especially ones which are as bombproof as this one. My hubby is fed up and said to me this is it...no more! I am sure I can work on that one though LOL!
 
I agree with yorksg, if she is happy hacking it leave her to it. And don't push her to do stuff she doesn't want to, pushing a scared child is the worse thing you can do, because then they believe they aren't living up to expectations.
 
carthorse said:
Sounds like the wrong pony for her . I hope you find the right one its so important
Click to expand...

This.

Listen to her. Put yourself in her position (or read the many posts from adults on here that are in her position) with a big horse that you find a bit too sharp and too whizzy...

I went through this with my stepson. We had a 12h pony that he did really well on, despite it being whizzy. As he outgrew it, a wonderful 14h jumping pony came up for loan, so we took it. It was just that bit too much for him, and he grew more and more reluctant to ride, unless it was on his little pony. In the end we gave the pony back and took a quiet old cob that would plod round clear round, we were told. His confidence grew and grew, and the steady pony was fantastic. In the end they won trophy after trophy at PC and ironically beat the wonderful jumping pony he'd had on loan many times!

Some kids are braver than others and will battle through with ponies, others won't and will give up riding if you over horse them. I'm am AI too, and came to the conclusion that even what seems like the perfect pony to us, isn't always to them..
 
13.2 for a 10 year old is quite big. If she went into competitions she is going to be up against 14 year olds maybe? (Note - I was still on the leading rein at 10!).

If she is happy hacking then let her enjoy it. Sounds as though the pony is a saint.
 
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