Serious Crisis of Confidence :(

[Applesauce]

Hi Everyone

I hope this is in the right place, sorry I am new to this.

I just wanted some advice really from some friendly horsey peeps... I am having a serious crisis of confidence and I don't really know what to do.

I had a horse on loan for a year which repeatedly bucked for no reason (everything was checked), I never came off, or got hurt but by the time I cut my losses and gave him back my confidence was pretty low.

So 3 months ago I bought a lovely kind handsome irish gelding thinking he would be my confidence giving chunky safe dope on a rope type. However he is only 6, and I think (understandably) still clinging on to some baby tendencies (e.g.. lashes out with back feet when trying to pick them up when grooming) and he really needs to take confidence from the rider which I obviously don't have. I have fallen off 3 times - and one time got badly hurt - due to spooks where he is so on edge - even in the school and I know that it is my nerves that affect him because I have a friend that rides him and he is totally fine.

So I am at a loss of what to do... I have to force myself to ride him which makes me feel sick, I dread going to the stables and I just feel that I am being unfair on both myself and him and that I should find him a home where he will be out and about and hacking and enjoying life, not stuck with me being pathetic, and I will have a break from riding for a few years.

Please tell me I am not the only one to experience this?! It is so upsetting and I really don't know what to do

 

[jrp204]

You are not being pathetic! You are not being unfair on your horse. You could get some help with him and get your confidence back or If you feel this is a step too far, get some help, advertise him and give your self a break. It is supposed to be fun!

 

[acorn92x]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Losing confidence is an awful thing but it really is so common, and it's something many riders experience at some point in the lives.

Horse riding is an incredibly expensive hobby and like any hobby, it should be a pleasure, not a chore. The positive thing in this situation is that you know why you are not enjoying so are able to work on that and make steps forward to change it. I recommend that you get yourself an experienced and sympathetic instructor who is willing to work with you and your horse. By doing this, hopefully you'll find that you learn to understand each other a little more and from this, your confidence should grow in time. It would be wrong to expect miracles overnight as these things take time but you will make progress. If you feel that even after lessons, you are not confident enough for your horse, I would recommend that you sell him and look for something older and steadier until you feel more confident. A 6 year old, as you correctly said, is still very young and is likely to still have a few babyish tendancies so will thrive with a confident rider. There are plenty of great confidence giving types out there so you are not asking the impossible by looking for something like this and I would definitely say don't let your heart rule your head in a situation like this - horses which lack confidence generally tend to need confident riders. I've seen several situations where people have owned horses which are probably a lot like yours, while they are either not confident enough or experienced enough to handle them and have been injured as a result of the horse spooking or unseating them somehow and it'd be awful for this to happen to you OP.

Above all, I suggest you find yourself a good, kind instructor who is experienced with nervous riders who need their confidence building and work from there. They may be able to ride your horse for you which will help even further as he'll be getting schooled by another confident rider in addition to your friend (Assuming this arrangement would stay). If things don't work out with your horse, I would recommend that you get the instructor or another experienced horsey friend to go with you if you view another to give you an honest opinion so you can avoid this situation again in the future.

I wish you all the very best, if you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me as I have been in your situation before.

 

[paddi22]

it's supposed to be an enjoyable hobby, so for your own sake trade him on. He might be a bit more sensitve and need a stronger rider as he's a baby. For his sake, sell him to to someone he clicks with.

You don't need a break from riding, your nerves just need a break from feeling in constant danger! Get a lovely schoolmaster (something maybe a bit older that has done everything) and that you can have relax on, enjoy, have tons of fun with and that will build your confidence.

 

[Applesauce]

Thanks all.

I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have tried with an instructor but sometimes even getting on is hard enough.

I had thought about perhaps looking for a half loan/share for a year or so and then thinking again about owning.

The thought of selling him breaks my heart but I don't know what else to do really

 

[Zibby]

Hi, i had something very similar when i first got my boy. I had about a year when i came off slmost every time i rode, and he's 17.2 so it was a long way down!
I got a fantastic instructor who understood my confidence issues and was able to ride my horse so could tell me clearly where i was going wrong. I'm by no means there yet (still nervous about hacking out on my own) but really enjoying my horse and our time together.
The other thing that helped me was spending time with him on the ground too.
Best of luck.
Zibby

 

[Applesauce]

Hi, i had something very similar when i first got my boy. I had about a year when i came off slmost every time i rode, and he's 17.2 so it was a long way down!
I got a fantastic instructor who understood my confidence issues and was able to ride my horse so could tell me clearly where i was going wrong. I'm by no means there yet (still nervous about hacking out on my own) but really enjoying my horse and our time together.
The other thing that helped me was spending time with him on the ground too.
Best of luck.
Zibby

Wow... I don't have quite as far to fall as you - my boy is only 16hh! Still hurts thought ;o)

Thank you

 

[acorn92x]

Applesauce, it might be worth trying another instructor. Maybe have a chat with the other people at the yard or have a look in local horsey magazines for recommendations? Another place where I found my great instructor was on the BHS website. Sometimes it takes a couple of lessons with several different instructors to find one that really suits the needs of you and your horse. I know it's hard not to get disheartened but lessons, time, patience and persistence will all help.

 

[Applesauce]

Applesauce, it might be worth trying another instructor. Maybe have a chat with the other people at the yard or have a look in local horsey magazines for recommendations? Another place where I found my great instructor was on the BHS website. Sometimes it takes a couple of lessons with several different instructors to find one that really suits the needs of you and your horse. I know it's hard not to get disheartened but lessons, time, patience and persistence will all help.

Thank you I will have a look on the BHS website

 

[showaddy1]

Me!! I am exactly the same as you... phew, I have finally admitted it...
I was always a reasonable rider, with no fear... as I've gotten a little older I have become more cautious. Bought a young, very big mare who threw me off when the mood took her. Snapped ligaments - couldnt work + pain, has turned me into a very nervous rider..
I have sold the mare, been completely honest about her 'tantrums', and now riding daughters horses.
Each time I climb aboard I feel sick, and the thought of having a 'blast' fills me with fear. I have tried lessons, but although I wasnt at all nervous of their wonderful schoolmaster, the instructor didnt seem to get that I may act like a confident, experienced rider... inside I am falling apart.
If you find it too hard to sell your horse, could you maybe loan him out and then loan/ buy a schoolmaster who will hopefully regain your confidence..
Keep in touch, Id love to know the answer!

 

[Applesauce]

Me!! I am exactly the same as you... phew, I have finally admitted it...
I was always a reasonable rider, with no fear... as I've gotten a little older I have become more cautious. Bought a young, very big mare who threw me off when the mood took her. Snapped ligaments - couldnt work + pain, has turned me into a very nervous rider..
I have sold the mare, been completely honest about her 'tantrums', and now riding daughters horses.
Each time I climb aboard I feel sick, and the thought of having a 'blast' fills me with fear. I have tried lessons, but although I wasnt at all nervous of their wonderful schoolmaster, the instructor didnt seem to get that I may act like a confident, experienced rider... inside I am falling apart.
If you find it too hard to sell your horse, could you maybe loan him out and then loan/ buy a schoolmaster who will hopefully regain your confidence..
Keep in touch, Id love to know the answer!

So glad there are others that feel the same as me. I am EXACTLY the same - I look confident and fine, but inside I am completely losing the plot.

My friend rides my horse before me sometimes, and when I see her walk back over to the gate on him I just get overwhelmed with this feeling of "oh no it's my turn"

I just feel so guilty, because the poor horse hasn't got a bad bone in him, he just needs confidence that I can't give him

It's so hard!

 

[paddi22]

don;t feel bad about selling him on - you'l do yourself and him a massive favour. He can get a lovely confident home that can help him grow, and you can get a horse that you will love, trust and enjoy. There's no failure in selling him on - it's the wisest move for all involved.

 

[Podgelover]

Sell him on. it's the bets thing for both of you sadly.

I shared a mare who was just plain mean for a while, she completely knocked all my confidence and I was terrified to ride for a long time afterwards. He need a confident rider who can use his skills and sit through his naughty moments! and you need something nice, calm and easy to get your confidence back. Ive recently just brought my horse and its the best thing Ive done. He spooks a lot but never bucks or rears, just darts off and to be honest having something like that is the best thing for my confidence, if I'd have got something that was never scared of anything I would have always been on edge, at least I know now if hes scared I'm not going anywhere!

Good luck xx

 

[FestiveFuzz]

The way I see it you have two options - a) sell him on or b) find a trainer you click with and work through it. Only you will know whether you have the nerve, time and finances for option b.

Whilst he's not an ideal fit it's not impossible for you to turn this around but it will be hard work and there will be days when you just feel like giving up. On the flip side, when you finally get there it will be the most rewarding feeling in the world.

 

[Fruitcake]

The way I see it you have two options - a) sell him on or b) find a trainer you click with and work through it. Only you will know whether you have the nerve, time and finances for option b.

Whilst he's not an ideal fit it's not impossible for you to turn this around but it will be hard work and there will be days when you just feel like giving up. On the flip side, when you finally get there it will be the most rewarding feeling in the world.

Think this is great advice.

Option 2 does take time and money and, most importantly, help from the right instructor but it can be done.

Depending on finances, could you find someone to take him in for a few weeks to school and work with you too (possibly on another horse at first) to gradually get you back to riding him?

 

[Jnhuk]

I found the reading the Chimp Paradox helpful

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Chimp-Paradox-Management-Confidence-ebook/dp/B006K26BEQ

 

[Applesauce]

A couple of people had asked for an update on this....

Well this weekend my lovely boy went out on loan for 18 months to a lovely (thoroughly checked, vetted, referenced) home that I will be visiting every fortnight, to gain some life experience and mileage that I couldn't give him.

I will spend the 18 months getting my confidence back on a schoolmaster, and riding friends horses and making sure that I get some good experience for when I have him back with me next year, and I can't wait

 

[Bodger]

I've only just caught up on this (another nervous nellie here!) really glad to hear that you've found a solution that sounds like the best of both worlds for both you and him. Good luck with getting your confidence back and keep us posted!

 

[Ponycarrots]

If you can, put him on loan from your yard so someone confident can ride him and bring him on. In the meantime, have lessons at a riding school or loan/ride someone else's horse that's older and a bit steadier. Hopefully a few months down the line your confidence will improve once more and you can ride your lad again

 

[Ponycarrots]

Oops sorry I just noticed your update. Ignore me haha!