Should I stay or should I go?

Which yard

  • Stick with the one I’m at

  • Move the small private yard

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Perfectpony07

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what would you do?
I know you can’t decide for me, but I’m so torn it’s killing me.
Current situation- two horses in two different places. Been waiting for space to come up where I am…I have kids, one is a lead rein pony two girls, they can be loud as young kids are, but do try to manage that and don’t allow them to run around the yard.

Went to view a new place this week, has only two other people there, small private yard, arena but surface isn’t great, smaller fields but ok size, my horses can live out together all year, hay can go into paddocks, hacking is great. Just under half the price of where I’m paying now, but doesn’t include Hay, and have to consider extra fuel costs too. Will prob need hay all year due to paddock sizes.
Cons - it’s 20 minutes further away which is doable but is down a main A road that is prone to rush hour traffic so potential to be a nightmare. Lady there seens lovely but also quite full on, and worried how she will be / will be with my kids…

Yard I’m at now, has suddenly got a space coming up this weekend. It’s literally 4 minutes from my house, I can cycle or walk there, however £170 more a month (for both) but includes hay, but we’re not allowed to put into the fields, mine generally live out unless weather is bad. Have made some lovely & trusted friends there, we help each other out & I can rely on them, arena has a great surface & hacking is pretty good. My kids are generally accepted there, my barn is quiet and mostly we have the school to ourselves when they ride.

Cons- the farmer. He is just a nightmare he triggers my anxiety a lot, this is solely the only reason I’m considering leaving truthfully. He has bipolar, and some days he’s lovely some days he’s completely unreasonable. For example, he called me out the blue yesterday& said I could bring my horse there this weekend due to space, and she could go out in a certain paddock, and I could move my pony in with her. So they have a friend due to living out. My pony is on his own, I hate it. I’ve asked to move him before but he said no, and said he obviously can’t accommodate me and I should think of leaving lol!
Anyway, confirmed with him today I was going to move my horse this weekend, and would turn her out with my pony in the new paddock. He then said, no! That the conversation never happened about them sharing & he never agreed to it, it’s a one horse paddock, (even though it had two in before but they moved field due to a walker complaining the horse bit him). There’s more to the conversation but legit felt so deflated, as was so excited to move her there & my two to share and have a friend, it also makes my life easier if they’re together.


It’s made me feel uneasy, as it’s not first time he’s gaslighted me!
He said I might be able to put them together in spring, when the grass grows, but I honestly don’t think he will let me.

I’m now wondering if I should just leave, & move to the other yard. How do I decide I’m struggling so much.
The other place is a gamble too. Do I just keep with the devil I know?
Given how close to home it is, ughh why am I struggling so much with this.
If you read this far, Thankyou.
 
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Lady is quite full on? Hmm. Prone to rush hour traffic? Hmm. (new place)

Cons- the farmer. He is just a nightmare he triggers my anxiety a lot,
Click to expand...

Well, that's major, so I'm going to have to wait until I read your post thoroughly but I need to get ready to go out. Back this afternoon.

Absolutely, Apercrumbie.

ETA: Sorry for poorly arranged post.
 
Perfectpony07 said:
what would you do?
I know you can’t decide for me, but I’m so torn it’s killing me.
Current situation- two horses in two different places. Been waiting for space to come up where I am…I have kids, one is a lead rein pony two girls, they can be loud as young kids are, but do try to manage that and don’t allow them to run around the yard.

Went to view a new place this week, has only two other people there, small private yard, arena but surface isn’t great, smaller fields but ok size, my horses can live out together all year, hay can go into paddocks, hacking is great. Just over half the price of where I’m paying now, but doesn’t include Hay, and have to consider extra fuel costs too. Will prob need hay all year due to paddock sizes.
Cons - it’s 20 minutes further away which is doable but is down a main A road that is prone to rush hour traffic so potential to be a nightmare. Lady there seens lovely but also quite full on, and worried how she will be / will be with my kids…

Yard I’m at now, has suddenly got a space coming up this weekend. It’s literally 4 minutes from my house, I can cycle or walk there, however £170 more a month (for both) but includes hay, but we’re not allowed to put into the fields, mine generally live out unless weather is bad. Have made some lovely & trusted friends there, we help each other out & I can rely on them, arena has a great surface & hacking is pretty good. My kids are generally accepted there, my barn is quiet and mostly we have the school to ourselves when they ride.

Cons- the farmer. He is just a nightmare he triggers my anxiety a lot, this is solely the only reason I’m considering leaving truthfully. He has bipolar, and some days he’s lovely some days he’s completely unreasonable. For example, he called me out the blue yesterday& said I could bring my horse there this weekend due to space, and she could go out in a certain paddock, and I could move my pony in with her. So they have a friend due to living out. My pony is on his own, I hate it. I’ve asked to move him before but he said no, and said he obviously can’t accommodate me and I should think of leaving lol!
Anyway, confirmed with him today I was going to move my horse this weekend, and would turn her out with my pony in the new paddock. He then said, no! That the conversation never happened about them sharing & he never agreed to it, it’s a one horse paddock, (even though it had two in before but they moved field due to a walker complaining the horse bit him). There’s more to the conversation but legit felt so deflated, as was so excited to move her there & my two to share and have a friend, it also makes my life easier if they’re together.


It’s made me feel uneasy, as it’s not first time he’s gaslighted me!
He said I might be able to put them together in spring, when the grass grows, but I honestly don’t think he will let me.

I’m now wondering if I should just leave, & move to the other yard. How do I decide I’m struggling so much.
The other place is a gamble too. Do I just keep with the devil I know?
Given how close to home it is, ughh why am I struggling so much with this.
If you read this far, Thankyou.
Click to expand...
Landlord is a bi polar farmer, with form? And you really want your kids and ponies there? And are paying more for the privilege? No accounting for tastes....
 
Apercrumbie said:
Never a simple decision to make, I feel for you! Just to clarify - is the current yard insisting on individual turnout?
Click to expand...
Honestly it’s so hard isn’t it.
Nope. Most people who have two have theirs together, and then the rest are large fields with mixed herds. There is 4 beloved fatties who have tiny paddocks alone. My boy wasn’t initially alone, but the mare he was with is very old and doesn’t get turned out anymore, just leg stretch in the school. I think tbh the little doll is finding my pony to young and fun & I’m certain the women would love her paddock back.

I think he just completely hates anyone asking anything 🥺. He was so reasonable yesterday it was like the conversation didn’t happen. Which to him it clearly didn’t.
 
Exasperated said:
Landlord is a bi polar farmer, with form? And you really want your kids and ponies there? And are paying more for the privilege? No accounting for tastes....
Click to expand...
I get what you’re saying, but he isn’t the type to shout or kick off. He’s just unreasonable a lot & often changes his mind or forgets what he’s agreed to before.
My kids think he’s great and run after his tractor calling him, he does always give them a polite wave so I can’t complain with that.
 
Perfectpony07 said:
I get what you’re saying, but he isn’t the type to shout or kick off. He’s just unreasonable a lot & often changes his mind or forgets what he’s agreed to before.
My kids think he’s great and run after his tractor calling him, he does always give them a polite wave so I can’t complain with that.
Click to expand...
I just want to clarify that I do not ask him for a lot though Im not a nightmare livery I promise 🤣. I just want an easy life
 
Goodness I feel for you.what a horrid situation to be in. The yard you are at is ideal in many ways but the farmer! How old is he? My father was just like that and it was eventually diagnosed as dementia. I just don't know what to advise except look for option three. Option two doesn't sound good but might do for a little while whilst you find somewhere else.
 
Sanversera said:
Goodness I feel for you.what a horrid situation to be in. The yard you are at is ideal in many ways but the farmer! How old is he? My father was just like that and it was eventually diagnosed as dementia. I just don't know what to advise except look for option three. Option two doesn't sound good but might do for a little while whilst you find somewhere else.
Click to expand...
I wondered that too tbh, I’m not certain on his age. But I would say early 70’s.
Maybe older Im crap at guessing age haha.
I am on a waiting list at another yard close by which I’d love to go, but places rarely come up. Especially for two x

Option two do you mean staying where I am x
 
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Perfectpony07 said:
I wondered that too tbh, I’m not certain on his age. But I would say early 70’s.
Maybe older Im crap at guessing age haha.
I am on a waiting list at another yard close by which I’d love to go, but places rarely come up. Especially for two x

Option two do you mean staying where I am x
Click to expand...
Sorry by option two I mean the other livery place by the road with heavy traffic
 
Ugh what a difficult decision. On balance I think I'd stay where you are because:

- As others have said....better the devil you know re eccentric farmer.
- You may be able to move horse and pony in together at a later date.
- Distance from home. In October I moved mine from a really lovely livery yard 20 minutes away, to a field and barn 3 minutes down the road from our house. It's been literally life changing and I think you might be shocked by the (negative) impact on your life that extra travel time has.
- You know the other liveries don't mind your children being around (which is worth a lot!)

My main concern would be, what happens when the farmer's health deteriorates? Will the yard keep running? But if you're already on the waiting list for another yard, then you're not planning to stay at the farm long term anyway, so perhaps not such a concern.
 
I think i'd move your horse to the same yard as the pony for now but keep any eye out for somewhere else. I'd enlist the person with the oldie to help get the farmer agree to moving the pony in with your horse - as you say, I'm sure shed be happier with her pony being able to use the paddock whenever she wants.
 
Perfectpony07 said:
I wondered that too tbh, I’m not certain on his age. But I would say early 70’s.
Maybe older Im crap at guessing age haha.
I am on a waiting list at another yard close by which I’d love to go, but places rarely come up. Especially for two x

Option two do you mean staying where I am x
Click to expand...
Stay where you are bringing pony to your current yard. Stay on list for the other close yard.

20 mins doesn’t seem far but if you go twice a day it’s an hour and a half from your day, even once a day probably costs £4 a day extra in diesel so that’s £120 a month plus hay, so no real cost saving for worse facilities and more travel.

Does the farmer have a mobile? If so next time you have a discussion just send him a text confirming any agreement, you can say you’re getting forgetful and it helps you to remember.
 
i would keep looking. i recently moved my horses to a yard which was technically only 5 mins further away, but like this new one you've seen, it was along a busy A road and there was a school along that! some times it would take me 45 mins to do a 16 min journey. i gave in after 6 months and went back to my old yard, and now the journey is 10 mins max and its a game changer! the con is i've gone back to a yard with horrible people, where I was at had the loveliest people
 
I think I'd stay put for now, as others have said it's better the devil you know. But I would be looking for a plan C. From what I've read you are looking for the following,

  • group or herd turn out
  • hay in fields
  • 24/7 turn out (in summer or all year round) with access to stable.
  • child friendly
  • nice school for kids to ride in
  • nice hacking
  • not to far from home
That list isn't unachievable.
 
Would it work if each time the farmer agrees to something you send a message to say thanks for the chat and agreeing to x?
You and farmer have written confirmation then that you can refer back to if he goes back on something. Oh, did I misunderstand that when we spoke on x date about y?

I'm not sure if this would help at all or just cause issues.
 
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