so lost

[boblet]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure the purpose of writing this other than to hear about your experiences after losing a horse.
I lost my horse a few months ago, I'd had him over 10 years and he was one in a million. It was a horrific death and the whole day has left me shocked and utterly bereaved.
I bought him with ambitious plans but life kind of got in the way. We did a bit of everything earlier on - BE, etc. The last few years we just really enjoyed hacking, occasional parties and our last outing was a days hunting when he was just a machine.
After selling my lorry and having to finacially tighten my belt I lost my passion really. Still loved him and spent all my time and pennies on him but I said to myself that he would be my last horse. I meant in 10 years time when we were growing old disgracefully together...
So i lost him, I had him cremated, I've got his mountain of ashes, I've had jewelry made... I've done all that...
I'm so lost. I've no purpose. Its almost like losing your identity.
But the thought of getting another horse is giving me terrible anxiety. The responsibility, the worry, the financial drain..
I've all his stuff in the garage, I can't look at it.
I've ridden once since. It was ok. just ok. I'm not missing riding right now which scares me as it was all I did!
The yard I was on wasn't ideal, it left a bitter taste in my mouth as I should have moved him. I let a lot go. I feel guilty that his last few months were stressful and unpleasant.
I'd be interested to hear how you felt after losing your horse and if things changed for you?
Many thanks x

 

[Shay]

Couldn't read and run - my heart goes out to you. It is very difficult to loose any loved one - no matter how many legs - under difficult circumstances. You just have to give yourself time. I've not personally faced the loss of an only horse (or at least not yet) there have always been others in the herd. But in my experience the right horse comes into your life at the right time. You may get another horse, you may not. It might be now, it might be in the future. You need to give yourself time to find out who "you" are when you are not "you and he". And it does take time. Give yourself permission to take that time.

There are groups which can help with the grief over a loss of an animal. We all know they are far more than "an animal" but non horsey folk don't always see that and the people based bereavement support are not going to be as sympathetic to you as the animal based ones. BHS runs a "friends at the end" scheme which might be able to signpost you to support locally if you want it.

Things do change. Things always change. I'm not sure you do ever actually "get over" this type of death. But things become easier to bear and life does move on - in a positive way.

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure the purpose of writing this other than to hear about your experiences after losing a horse.
I lost my horse a few months ago, I'd had him over 10 years and he was one in a million. It was a horrific death and the whole day has left me shocked and utterly bereaved.
I bought him with ambitious plans but life kind of got in the way. We did a bit of everything earlier on - BE, etc. The last few years we just really enjoyed hacking, occasional parties and our last outing was a days hunting when he was just a machine.
After selling my lorry and having to finacially tighten my belt I lost my passion really. Still loved him and spent all my time and pennies on him but I said to myself that he would be my last horse. I meant in 10 years time when we were growing old disgracefully together...
So i lost him, I had him cremated, I've got his mountain of ashes, I've had jewelry made... I've done all that...
I'm so lost. I've no purpose. Its almost like losing your identity.
But the thought of getting another horse is giving me terrible anxiety. The responsibility, the worry, the financial drain..
I've all his stuff in the garage, I can't look at it.
I've ridden once since. It was ok. just ok. I'm not missing riding right now which scares me as it was all I did!
The yard I was on wasn't ideal, it left a bitter taste in my mouth as I should have moved him. I let a lot go. I feel guilty that his last few months were stressful and unpleasant.
I'd be interested to hear how you felt after losing your horse and if things changed for you?
Many thanks x

First mare I had 13 years and she was a mare of a life time- I stayed with her till the end but I had my youngster to grieve on but she still left a hole and still have all her things and she died 1995. I have sinced lost a pony - a donkey and my youngster I got lived till 25 she was also a mare of a lifetime and I am still gutted now but I have her son and still all her things too.


What I am saying is don't rush to get rid of your horses things, store them away till you can deal with it better and the hurt is not so raw. Some need a break after lousing an animal and others need to get another asap to help them grieve. There is not magic cure and no time limit on how long hurt goes on for, if riding someone else's horse is not helping don't do it and take a break totally till your ready to decide which way you will go.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of my girls, they have left hoof prints on me. Time is a healer when hurt is not so strong.

 

[boblet]

Thanks Shay, I appreciate your kind words.
They really are so much more than an animal. It's a lifestyle I suppose. I'm not much of a girlie girl and I never had any other hobbies. Not quite sure what else I enjoy! At the moment my days off are filled with rubbish. I'm a pretty needy friend right now!
I'm sure it will get better!

 

[boblet]

First mare I had 13 years and she was a mare of a life time- I stayed with her till the end but I had my youngster to grieve on but she still left a hole and still have all her things and she died 1995. I have sinced lost a pony - a donkey and my youngster I got lived till 25 she was also a mare of a lifetime and I am still gutted now but I have her son and still all her things too.


What I am saying is don't rush to get rid of your horses things, store them away till you can deal with it better and the hurt is not so raw. Some need a break after lousing an animal and others need to get another asap to help them grieve. There is not magic cure and no time limit on how long hurt goes on for, if riding someone else's horse is not helping don't do it and take a break totally till your ready to decide which way you will go.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of my girls, they have left hoof prints on me. Time is a healer when hurt is not so strong.

Thank you. I'm realising there is no magic band aid that's going to make this better. One thing I've discovered though is who my true friends are. Don't people surprise you?!

 

[JillA]

I have found over the years that to cut yourself off from similar animals leaves an even bigger hole - if it was a dog or cat, get another, it won't be the same but after a while they will have wormed their way into your affection too. Same with horses - I take your point about the commitment in time and money, but can you find an owner nearby who needs help exercising, or a share? It WILL fill the gap in time, much more quickly than leaving the gap empty.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

It is difficult. We lost our first horse to a field accident and it was 2 yrs before we got another. We did ride other horses regularly after a few months though.
Every horse that we have lost since has been sadly missed but there have always been others that needed looking after on the day, which imo has helped me to come to terms with what has happened.
Do whatever you need to do to grieve and come to terms with how you feel. Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process but do try not to dwell on it. there comes a time when you have to decide to 'get over' it. Concentrate on your good memories of the time that you spent with your horse.
I suggest keeping all the horsey stuff that you have in a trunk or similar, so that you have it in case you need it later but don't need to see it every day.
Could you volunteer with RDA, or an urban farm, so that you don't lose all your horsey lifestyle but you are not trying to 'replace' your horse until the time is right (if it ever is).

 

[boblet]

I have found over the years that to cut yourself off from similar animals leaves an even bigger hole - if it was a dog or cat, get another, it won't be the same but after a while they will have wormed their way into your affection too. Same with horses - I take your point about the commitment in time and money, but can you find an owner nearby who needs help exercising, or a share? It WILL fill the gap in time, much more quickly than leaving the gap empty.

Hi JillA,
I do have a lot of friends with horses. I find I'm making excuses though not to get involved. I am in hiding a little I suppose!
A friend's pony was really ill a few weeks ago and whilst I supported her it brought back that day and almost made me want to run! I had a voice saying "don't put yourself through it again".

 

[SnowandSunshine]

I'm so sorry you lost him in horrible circumstances, that must be very hard. I had my mare PTS 18 months ago and I suppose I was fortunate in that I chose her time, arthritis was taking its toll and I let her go before the summer flies and heat which she hated. But the tears still come when I think of her, I had her from the age of 5 until she was 28 and I don't think I will ever have the same relationship with a horse.
After she went I obviously missed her hugely but the kids were off school so I was busy with them and didn't miss the yard duties etc. Then when the kids went back I realised I really missed having to go to the yard. Days when I wasn't at work I felt a bit lacking in purpose. I think you get so used to being 'needed' to do the caring and looking after.
Then the loaner of my gelding said she was sending him back to me. I have quite enjoyed the need to get back into the routine of it all but I have been so torn because I know he is not really the horse for me. I don't love him like I did my mare, I don't particularly enjoy riding him. I can't really justify the cost of keeping him either and so will probably try to re-home/loan him.
A few months isn't long to get over your horse, give it a bit longer. Maybe you could try a share and see if you enjoy it or if it becomes a chore. Then you haven't made the full on commitment to another horse.

 

[boblet]

I'm so sorry you lost him in horrible circumstances, that must be very hard. I had my mare PTS 18 months ago and I suppose I was fortunate in that I chose her time, arthritis was taking its toll and I let her go before the summer flies and heat which she hated. But the tears still come when I think of her, I had her from the age of 5 until she was 28 and I don't think I will ever have the same relationship with a horse.
After she went I obviously missed her hugely but the kids were off school so I was busy with them and didn't miss the yard duties etc. Then when the kids went back I realised I really missed having to go to the yard. Days when I wasn't at work I felt a bit lacking in purpose. I think you get so used to being 'needed' to do the caring and looking after.
Then the loaner of my gelding said she was sending him back to me. I have quite enjoyed the need to get back into the routine of it all but I have been so torn because I know he is not really the horse for me. I don't love him like I did my mare, I don't particularly enjoy riding him. I can't really justify the cost of keeping him either and so will probably try to re-home/loan him.
A few months isn't long to get over your horse, give it a bit longer. Maybe you could try a share and see if you enjoy it or if it becomes a chore. Then you haven't made the full on commitment to another horse.

You are so right. It's being needed for sure.
My days off were spoken for and by nature I'm a caring sort of person. I loved the structure, being busy and taking a pride how he looked. I'm getting obsessed now about getting a dog to try to fill the hole. My other half is coming round to the idea now.

 

[boblet]

It is difficult. We lost our first horse to a field accident and it was 2 yrs before we got another. We did ride other horses regularly after a few months though.
Every horse that we have lost since has been sadly missed but there have always been others that needed looking after on the day, which imo has helped me to come to terms with what has happened.
Do whatever you need to do to grieve and come to terms with how you feel. Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process but do try not to dwell on it. there comes a time when you have to decide to 'get over' it. Concentrate on your good memories of the time that you spent with your horse.
I suggest keeping all the horsey stuff that you have in a trunk or similar, so that you have it in case you need it later but don't need to see it every day.
Could you volunteer with RDA, or an urban farm, so that you don't lose all your horsey lifestyle but you are not trying to 'replace' your horse until the time is right (if it ever is).

Really helpful suggestions, thank you.
I've soooo much stuff- 2 saddles, 3 bridles, 20 rugs and every bit of "kit" available... The garage is full... It smells of him which is a challenge.... I do anything to avoid going in there.

 

[rextherobber]

I gave away my horse's things quite quickly-I bitterly regretted it later..

 

[Gloi]

If you don't feel like riding or buying a new horse why not take on a youngster from a rescue centre for a while so you can be with horses and feel that you are doing some good for one that is in need.

 

[boblet]

If you don't feel like riding or buying a new horse why not take on a youngster from a rescue centre for a while so you can be with horses and feel that you are doing some good for one that is in need.

If I had my own place I'd do this for sure but couldn't justify full livery. I think if I ever do get another horse I could only do it if I was in a position to do everything myself, no more livery yards for me!

 

[tashcat]

Lost my boy really unexpectedly - he was 25 so I knew that he wouldn't be around forever, but he was so healthy and happy I expected many more years with him.

Horses are such a big part of our lives, and my daily routine, social life etc was all structured around him. He was my best friend, and the most important thing in the world to me - he's left a massive hole.

We went about 5 months without a horse, and it left me feeling so lost. Its so hard when you've had years of seeing that little furry face and you have to accept you're never going to see them again. I couldn't go back to the yard or be around horses without breaking down.

In April we had the opportunity to take on an ex-racer, and so we brought him home. He's so different to my old boy, but a lovely person and so affectionate. Even now I'll still get really upset, and there are times when he's a handful and I'll sit and cry, wishing I could have my best friend back. If given the choice, I would do anything to have him here. Its a horrible feeling, but having the new one gives me purpose, and has taught me so much. I'm now making new memories, and I suspect one day I'll love this one like my old boy. Both have a place in my heart, and the new one isn't a replacement, but an addition to the family.

Sorry for the ramblings, but I think it helps to share experiences. If you have the ability to get another one, I think it would be a great idea. Perhaps if you took on a project or a rescue you'd feel like you have a purpose, rather than a replacement. Similarly I think getting a dog is a good idea - its something to focus on, without the same stress as horses and again without replacing x

 

[mytwofriends]

I’ve had horses since the early 80’s, only taking a break when I had my kids. Ironically I’d never lost one until last year (they’d all been sold on), but I lost two in nine months.

Losing the first one was sad and unfortunate. Just a freak field incident. But when I lost my sweet oldie back in February I was bereft for weeks. Of all the horses I’d owned/known over the years, he was head and shoulders the best. I make no apologies for admitting that, although of course I did love the others.

Unlike most other people, however, I don’t want another horse. I’ve sold pretty much all my stuff (kept a few special things), and I haven’t once had the urge to ride again. I’ve done it for so long and losing my special boy seemed an appropriate and natural end.

I now have another hobby, equally as time consuming (not really!) and 100% non horse related. My outdoor fix is filled by my dog, who gets more personal attention than she used to.

 

[PeterNatt]

Started fairly late in life with horses (late 20's) First horse I bought when he was an 8 year old and he went on until he was 25 (we only hacked but he was 100%). My vet told me when he was about 22 to start to look for another horse - 'you don't want to be in a hurry looking for another horse' - so I found a 7 year old and she lasted until she was 29 years old but I had been given another horse by that time so had her to enjoy until she was 28 and then bought a 6 year old who I am still hacking out and another 7 year old to keep him company who I also hack out. Every one of my horses had their own characters and I deeply miss every one as we had so much fun together. I am now the wrong side of 60 but still love hacking out and enjoying my horses.................!

 

[ozpoz]

I'm so sorry. It is very hard to lose a horse, in any circumstances, and sadly they don't always have an easy passing.

You will feel better in time, and you don't have to make any decisions now. When it feels right, you'll know if you want to have another or not, but right now, as others have said helping at a charity, or a horsey cause you'd like to support, is a really good idea.
Or think about learning something new, save up for some top lessons to brush up your skills if you need a horse fix. Don't feel you need to replace the gap losing yours has left, but try to look at different ways to keep your love and interest alive.

 

[Schollym]

Thanks Shay, I appreciate your kind words.
They really are so much more than an animal. It's a lifestyle I suppose. I'm not much of a girlie girl and I never had any other hobbies. Not quite sure what else I enjoy! At the moment my days off are filled with rubbish. I'm a pretty needy friend right now!
I'm sure it will get better!

I lost my gelding who had a heart attack at the age of nineteen, still miss him terribly. I felt like I had a horse shaped hole in my life, I was in a position to get another horse supposed to be a happy hacker and she will turn her hoof to anything. It is the unconditional love, the routine,the social and antisocial aspects of life associated with owning a horse. Hang onto your stuff, try and get involved somehow. Perhaps sharing or with a charity. I was hooked on horses from a very young age and can't see life without some involvement as that is where I feel happy ( as well as freezing cold, soaking wet etc)

 

[Irish gal]

If I had my own place I'd do this for sure but couldn't justify full livery. I think if I ever do get another horse I could only do it if I was in a position to do everything myself, no more livery yards for me!

Well you’ve answered your own question there boblet. It’s very hard to keep them on livery as few places will keep them as you would - I feel the very same as you about that.

But the other thing is we all just have to accept that horrific accidents etc do happen with horses, also they are bound to die before us. It’s not easy but it’s all part of it. I had two horses put down over two days, a horse and newborn foal. Absolutely gutting but these things unfortunately happen, it doesn’t make it any easier but it’s all part of life and life with horses.

I really think that riding a mates horse might help you now. Just to get back into it. Who knows one day you might have a house with land and be able to keep them just how you like. But don’t give up on it, things will improve.

 

[JDH01]

I would say hang onto your stuff and keep it clean, you will want to use it one day. I have always had more than one horse which I think has made it easier as you have to keep going for the other one! A couple of their deaths though have felt so unfair and that hasn't always been when they were least expected i.e a horse taken too soon through illness or injury. I can manage it when they are old and have had a great life.

 

[FfionWinnie]

You will be and a bit of you always will be. Get another horse. That’s my advice. 3yrs yesterday since I lost my horse of a life time very suddenly. Never get over it but having another horse keeps me happy.

It’s an awful thing to have to deal with and I found non horsey folk didn’t really get it.