Splitting up when OH is horsey

Smogul

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Has anyone gone through this and how did you split the horses?
We have a virtually retired 20 year old who is technically OH’s horse and a 9 year old who is technically my horse so you’d think it would be simple. However, I don’t think OH will be able to afford a horse as he keeps getting fired. This is part of the reason I am thinking of leaving as I am fed up with his financial irresponsibility. I can’t afford to keep two horses permanently but don’t want to sell my horse as it took a while to find him and he is ideal for me.
To complicate matters, 20 year old has degenerative condition and we are not sure how long he will last. We are not sure if he will cope over winter. After last emergency call out in January, we agreed with our vet that next time his condition flares up, he will be PTS. So if I do go down the road of trying to take on both horses, I could sell my horse then find a week later that old boy needs put down.
What would you do in my situation? Hang on for a few more months and see what happens? Try to insist both horses are mine? Try to agree that OH's horse is put down as part of the separation agreement? Would a lawyer think I was nuts if I suggested this?
 

PandorasJar

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If oldie is technically his and 9yo technically yours, don't complicate things. It would be incredibly difficult to get ownership on a split esp if not married or bought when together.

Why should OH's horse be put down in separation agreement? Would probably make things awfully nasty and whw/bhs unless in dire health would not back a case like that.
 

indiat

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Do you have concerns your OH will not look after the old boy properly? If so, call me mad, but I would stick it out for a couple of months for the sake of the old boy. Winter is not that far away amd it might be the kindest thing to let him go before the weather gets bad from the sounds of things. I really don't think you can dump your OH and insist he puts down his horse at the same time, I don't think he is going to react well to that! Then you can move on knowing you are not leaving him behind and you don't have to worry. Also, you will know you can comfortably look after your own horse. Commiserations on the break up.
 

Smogul

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OH will look after horse OK if he is working. If he isn't, he can't afford livery let alone expensive drugs which horse needs on daily basis. If he doesn't get the drugs, he will have to be put down for welfare reasons. Do I let him go and watch this happen?
 

Smogul

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If oldie is technically his and 9yo technically yours, don't complicate things. It would be incredibly difficult to get ownership on a split esp if not married or bought when together.

Oldie was bought with from our joint money primarily for OH to ride and passport is in his name. 9 year old was bought after I was left money so under Scots law is legally mine.
 

DuckToller

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Do you have concerns your OH will not look after the old boy properly? If so, call me mad, but I would stick it out for a couple of months for the sake of the old boy. Winter is not that far away amd it might be the kindest thing to let him go before the weather gets bad from the sounds of things. I really don't think you can dump your OH and insist he puts down his horse at the same time, I don't think he is going to react well to that! Then you can move on knowing you are not leaving him behind and you don't have to worry. Also, you will know you can comfortably look after your own horse. Commiserations on the break up.

I'd go with this.
 

Vodkagirly

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You keep your horse, he keeps his. Try and stay on good terms so that if his horse worsens you can advise to put down.
 

PandorasJar

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OH will look after horse OK if he is working. If he isn't, he can't afford livery let alone expensive drugs which horse needs on daily basis. If he doesn't get the drugs, he will have to be put down for welfare reasons. Do I let him go and watch this happen?

I would.

Let him know you're unhappy and discuss it rationally. Do what VG says.

Personally I'd walk away. If he's on livery then they will advise him if it's in appalling condition, but less than that and you have not a leg to stand on.

The other thing is possibly to say that as he was bought together, he can be summered out then pts ahead of winter and you'll split the cost of this/last few months.
 

Equinus

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I think he should take responsibility for his own horse too. Maybe he will stick to a job if he has the responsibility. (?)

When my first husband and I split (amicably) We found a loan home for his ride and drive section D and I oversaw it and looked after my own girl, but when the pony came back I ended up paying the bills. Eventually found him a fantastic home, and they eventually bought him for a nominal sum but he was a relative youngster, albeit with many stable vices (rescue)

Good luck with whatever you do, but he really should take responsibility for his own horse.
 

pookie

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I'm afraid I agree he should keep his horse. Is your OH aware of how you feel? Is this something you can discuss with him?

Both of my horses were bought with our joint money but are passported in my name. If we split up there's no way I could afford both atm as I work part time but I'd certainly be unhappy if my OH wanted to do something with them - they were both bought on the understanding they're mine and I would want to choose what I do with them in the event I can't afford them. If your OH loves his horse perhaps it will be a wake-up call to be more responsible.

Good luck - splitting up is never easy at the best of times.
 

Smogul

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Maybe he will stick to a job if he has the responsibility. (?)

I wish I thought that but I don't. At the minute, when he is not working, I pay for both horses. JSA won't cover livery bill, let alone medication.
He won't neglect horse in the sense of not looking after him but I suspect I will end up picking up the costs as I do just now. In this case, I would rather I had the ultimate say in in what is going on.
 

PandorasJar

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I wish I thought that but I don't. At the minute, when he is not working, I pay for both horses. JSA won't cover livery bill, let alone medication.
He won't neglect horse in the sense of not looking after him but I suspect I will end up picking up the costs as I do just now. In this case, I would rather I had the ultimate say in in what is going on.

You do... You have an ultimate say, to tell him that using you as a financial aid is simply not going to continue happening. Of course he isn't going to stand on his own two feet if you bail him out.

If he won't neglect the horse in terms of looking after him, then he himself can surely make the decision to pts if he can't find the money.

Pan
 

redriverrock

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This is just my opinion so please dont shoot me down in flames but when you split from someone that is what you do...SPLIT. You will no longer have any say in what he does and he wont have any say in what you do. If the horse is his you dont have a say in what happens...simples!
Sounds to me like you are going to have serious problems in walking away and things are going to get very messy if your not careful.
You cannot get bogged down with complications and recriminations, if you leave or kick him out you cant start dictating what happens to his horse anymore than he can tell you what to do with yours. I understand that you have kept him going financially...believe me I have been there and done that but it is your choice...if you truly want to split and move on in life you have to let go.
Good luck!
 

Morgan123

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I had this situation. I have my own horse and my ex and I took on an old mare together as she was going to be put down. Actually the horse has been a total star adn we've had years of fun with her. Technically we both own her, but my ex just completely adores her. I'm the 'horsey-er' of the two of us and when we split up it would have made sense for me to have both as I'm also more financially secure. However, what we did (and I'm not saying it was easy but it was fair) was to compromise - would that be possible? We share their care, I take over financially but with my ex helping whenever possible. I would have felt totally unfair taking away the horse from my ex, and similarly I know that I am financially more stable and have more knowledge anyway about keeping horses so it makes sense for me to have the care. We have talked about it, and at times like when I've needed to move yards, we've discussed whether it would make more sense for my ex to keep the mare and me to keep my gelding, but it's worked out well this way and we're both happy with it.

Just an idea?
 

happyhacking:)

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Could you give him a nominal amount of money and take responsibility for both horses. Find a field to rent for the rest of the summer to keep costs down and then have the old boy PTS before winter and then either move your youngster back to original yard. Or failing that talk to your YO. And see if you could pay less money in livery for the old boy but continue after he's gone. So say you put him down end of October that's 3 months livery but pay for it over six months.
 

Star_Chaser

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If both horses are being retained at the same yard then could you not step in if your OH runs into difficulty so that your old chap is taken care of? Your OH might surprise you with the care of him.

I've just watched a very messy breakup and in that case the dogs ended up being sold off and split possessions dumped, sold, broken etc Its not easy being the bigger person but when you've been close to someone it seems a shame to me when things become so acrimonious.

Can I ask are you the one asking for the split or is it your OH? He might need someone to lean on if your the one asking to break up and what is better than a horse when your in need of comfort.
 

Chestersmummy

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I know its not the same but my ex and i had a cat together. When we split, we decided that as i did more with the cat and brought the cat, he would stay with me.
 

zaminda

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My ex and I had 6 horses between us. Initially I moved mine a couple of months after I left, as we rented a field together. It wasn't easy, and the horses really struggled. My ex struggled big time initially, then things calmed down. To be fair to him, he looked after mine whilst I went travelling. I think it depends on how fond of the horse you are. If he is like one of yours, then you could agree to help him if things did get difficult, if not, then walk away without a backward glance.
 

Orson Cart

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This is just my opinion so please dont shoot me down in flames but when you split from someone that is what you do...SPLIT. You will no longer have any say in what he does and he wont have any say in what you do. If the horse is his you dont have a say in what happens...simples!
Sounds to me like you are going to have serious problems in walking away and things are going to get very messy if your not careful.
You cannot get bogged down with complications and recriminations, if you leave or kick him out you cant start dictating what happens to his horse anymore than he can tell you what to do with yours. I understand that you have kept him going financially...believe me I have been there and done that but it is your choice...if you truly want to split and move on in life you have to let go.
Good luck!

Redriverrock is speaking a lot of sense here. Agree completely. You can't separate from someone and then feel that you can dictate what they do or do not do with their horse. The best way to split from someone - if children are not involved - is for that split to be final with no further contact between the two of you once it has happened. Keep it clean and keep it simple. If you want to let your OH go, then you need to let his horse - and the responsibilities associated with that - go too.

Good luck with whatever your decision may be.
xxx
 

Smogul

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I think it depends on how fond of the horse you are. If he is like one of yours, then you could agree to help him if things did get difficult, if not, then walk away without a backward glance.

I think this is part of the problem. Although he is OH's horse and 9 year old is mine, we probably spend as much time with each other's horse as our own, grooming, walking old boy out, OH will ride and lead mine, etc. Could you walk away from this?

I don't mistrust OH in the sense I think he will neglect the horse but I just don't see how he will manage financially. Moving to field livery isn't possible as his horse's condition means he needs to be stabled in wet weather. I would also be very reluctant to move him from the current excellent yard where they know him well and understand his condition.
 

redriverrock

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The fact is no matter how attached you both are to each others horses you are not happy and want to end the relationship with him. You have already stated you do not want to take on long term financial care of HIS horse but seem unable to relinquish control over what will happen to HIS horse.
You have also said that you do not think oh, soon to be EX will neglect HIS horse but you still want a say in what happens to HIS horse after you split? This is when things are going to get acrimonous..trust me!
The horse will not suffer, he clearly loves the horses as much as you do...try and seperate your feelings from the equation, he may have let you down but that dosent mean when it comes to the crunch he will let the horse down. When faced with the reality of the situation and the sole responsibilty on his shoulders he will react differently im sure...at the moment he has you providing him with a security blanket...you need to let him man up!
Failing that he will find someone else to support his life style!!
LET GO!!
 

Potato!

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The fact is no matter how attached you both are to each others horses you are not happy and want to end the relationship with him. You have already stated you do not want to take on long term financial care of HIS horse but seem unable to relinquish control over what will happen to HIS horse.
You have also said that you do not think oh, soon to be EX will neglect HIS horse but you still want a say in what happens to HIS horse after you split? This is when things are going to get acrimonous..trust me!
The horse will not suffer, he clearly loves the horses as much as you do...try and seperate your feelings from the equation, he may have let you down but that dosent mean when it comes to the crunch he will let the horse down. When faced with the reality of the situation and the sole responsibilty on his shoulders he will react differently im sure...at the moment he has you providing him with a security blanket...you need to let him man up!
Failing that he will find someone else to support his life style!!
LET GO!!

This^^^
 

NoseyPosey

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I can't see why this is being made complicated. You split, he keeps his horse & you keep yours. If he can't keep up horse ownership due to financial issues then that's his problem, not yours. Would you keep putting petrol in his car? If you want to be involved with his horse (or life) then are you sure you really want to split?
 
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