Struggling and fed up

slumdog

slumdog

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I'm struggling. I keep going over the accident in my head. The thought of getting back on makes me want to be sick, Gam is getting older and I'm going to need something younger to jump, however I never want to ride anything that isn't him ever again. The painkillers either make me feel sick or drowsy. My BS membership is up next month and I'm thinking about letting it lapse and selling everything apart from gam who I'll retire in a couple of years anyway.

Went to a christening earlier and the vicar was talking about good health and how we should all be grateful to god we are healthy, and then afterwards made a be-line for me and lectured me on how even amputees are healthy and I should be thanking god for my health! Completely randomly, I've never even met him before, I couldn't get away from him!

I'm just really fed up, I only wanted a nice new horse to ride, I never thought any of this would happen :(
 
OP, don't beat yourself up. You are bound to be feeling rubbish after what you have been through. Take one day at a time and deal with riding again when the time comes. For now, you need to give yourself time to heal, both physically and emotionally x
 
What a bizarre thing for the vicar to do! I can only guess he was trying to make you feel better, but clearly failed big time!

I don't have anything constructive to say though, other than agreeing with HR about a day at an time. I know I would feel VERY shaken and nervous after an accident like yours. Simply getting bucked off is unsettling enough these days :(

Don't rush into selling up. It's not been long since your accident, so take it easy, and when doctors give you the go ahead, start with a few strides on Gam and build from there. If in a year or two's time, you feel the same, then think again.

Once you are off medication, and mobile again, things may feel better.

Fingers crossed for a speedy recovery:)

Eta at there is probably someone on here who can give you good advice re the constant action replay in your head. I'm guessing you need to process and make sense of what happened and why, but how you do that in a constructive way is beyond me!
 
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I think you need to talk to your GP about the side-effects of the painkillers. Give yourself time to come to terms with all that has happened and don't rush into any decisions, unless you absolutely have to.
I can't imagine what the vicar thought that he was doing, or why he thought that he had the right to do so.
 
There are no two ways about it OP, what happened to you was horrific and it will take you time to get over it both physically and mentally. You can't rush the healing process, accepting that is half the battle. When I knackered my spine, I kept telling myself "it'll be better in two weeks and I will still make it to such and such event" then two weeks would pass and I would still be broken and mentally I fell apart. The best thing I did was eventually accept it would take time and that, beyond following medical advice, it was outside my control. I sent the horse away to be ridden by a friend so I knew he was ok and that eased the pressure immensely. Then I stopped putting deadlines on getting better. I accepted I had a form of depression and went to the gp for anti depressants which helped a lot. If you stick with the painkillers, the drowsyness and sickness should wear off as your body adapts to them. Or get them to put you on another type of painkiller. Trying to get better without painkiller is no good at all. Then, once you are starting to heal and feel stronger physically, then you can tackle the confidence issues and what to do horse wise. One day at a time slumdog, I think you are trying to tackle every problem all in one go and if you are like me that will just add to the panic and feeling that you cant cope.
 
Get help, I only got through all the ***** I experienced with anti depressants, mild ones and trialling pain relief meds until I found the ideal ones. Not codiene in my case.
 
I think that's exactly it, especially with missing Hickstead, plus with Gambler being 20 all I can think about is the time I'm waisting, everyone is telling me there's always next year but he'll be another year older then and what if he's too old, don't get me wrong it's not all about competing him, but he's my horse of a lifetime and I just want to make every moment count while he's in my life. I got my entry pack through from Hickstead yesterday :( only another week until my stitches come out and I think it'll feel a lot better then, which will make me feel a lot better in myself. I'm also the most independent person ever so relying on everyone for everything is unbelievably hard.

I have no idea what the vicar was trying to achieve, I think he was trying to be helpful in a really unhelpful way!
 
I don't know how old you are but sooner or later even without a bad fall you realise you are not indestructible, so do not feel bad about having doubts, its not only normal but sensible. You sound as if you are having a bit of post traumatic syndrome with the side effects of painkillers on top. Go and see you GP, get your medication reviewed, perhaps alternating two different painkillers at regular intervals may work better or ask to be sent to the Pain Clinic.
The injury you have had is severe, people get in to their head its just a broken leg, its not and its b***dy painful.
 
It is normal to have doubts!

I didn't fall off I was jumped on by a 17.2 id who jumped 3 foot into the air & straight onto my foot (no where near as horrible as your accident) but rediculously painful... I was on crutches for 3 weeks & didn't go back to work for 5 weeks (i worked at an event yard at this time) & when I started back at work I was actually scared of leading the horses out incase anything spooked & did the same thing again.

I am not that kind of person at all I've fallen off in some very bad ways not been hurt & got back on the next day so I was really quite embarresed that I was so scared to lead the horses out to the field ! we used to lead in 2's as well & I refused to do that for a while I just couldn't, I never lead the horse who did it to me again, there was just that mental block.

I'm fine now I'll lead anything, it does get easier but its perfectly normal to be scared of what is going to happen !

I wouldn't sell anything until you are off the pain meds etc & starting to do a little bit & then see how you feel :)
 
Hi op. I went through a similar horse related accident eight years ago. Shattered tib and fib on my left leg and now have a pin going from knee to ankle. It took me two years after my accident to actually ride a horse again although (much to oh disgust) i was at the stables visiting the horse involved on my crutches two weeks after coming out of hospital. The flashbacks Will ease over time and as you become more mobile and independent things Will improve for you. Five year after my accident i bought my horse of a lifetime. Hope you have a speedy recovery
 
It's completely natural for you to feel like this, try not to focus on something that you don't need to deal with now. It is way too soon to be planning the short term.
 
Hi Slumdog, I am sorry to hear you are so down. I think a lot of people on this forum will understand, horses and people will mean that a lot of us have had nasty accidents.

I echo getting help, I needed help after a drink driver wiped us out one sunny Sunday, it was literally years before I could mention it without dissolving in tears and feeling rage, but it did pass. I am now a normal "sad" when I think about it. I tried a whole lot of things, from tapping, hypnosis, NLP, rage, etc etc. I don't know which "bit" helped, but I guess it all did.

I would also be wary of your pain meds, I also have one that I cannot tolerate, makes me not myself, so I get prescribed another.

I am glad you have your horse to see you through when you feel ready to ride. There is nothing wrong with lapsing BS either, you can just re-join when you are ready.

Most of all know that it will improve, your horse will be happy to be whatever you need him to be, and getting you up on your feet again my be the most enjoyable job he has ever had.

Good luck.
 
There is no advice that I can give because I have not been in such a difficult situation. All I can send is a big hug, a vtural box of tissues and all the healing vibes I can.
Best wishes
 
So sorry to read of your accident, mental scars take a hell of a lot longer to heal than physical ones. Maybe when you're feeling better physically you could try NLP, I lost every shred of confidence with my boy so attended some sessions, I was very sceptical at first but it has really helped to alter the way I think about riding. Hope you're feeling better soon
 
God works in mysterious ways and he used the vicar to sow a seed in your head, stop for a minute thinking he had no right to approach you, the devils wants you to think that so you can continue to feel sad, and think of what the vicar told you and believe in it you can do it and 20 isnt too old to jump, pick yourself up, as hard as it may be and if you feel down go back and chat with the vicar, remember he wont be judgemental, good luck
 
STOP ..... Take a big deep breath ... and now that breath out really slowly.

What you are going through now is the aftermath ..... the shock is wearing off, the pain is kicking in, and your brain is desperately trying to make sense of what happened ... and brains are very good at putting us into self preservation mode after an accident, especially one where you were hurt as badly as you were.

Take it hour by hour and feel each feeling as it comes up, acknowledge it, thank it ... cry if you need to cry, shout 'god damnit' if you`re feeling frustrated, but most of all give yourself the time now, time to heal, time to get your body back and time to get back into some assemblance of normality before making any really big decisions ... I promise you how you are feeling right now WILL pass ..... just go with it for the time being, and see how you are when you`re up and about again.

*hugs n' chocolate* coz I know how much it sucks to be where you are right now x
 
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you all taking the time to comment. Think I'm going to go to the doctors and tell them how I'm feeling, even if they just change the pain killers I think it'll help. I feel strangely guilty about the mare as well as it's likely she'll end up in the market now which is a shame. It's just been a horrible situation all round. The only one who is having a great time is Gambler who is filthy and fat in the field lol
 
Just read your original post. That must have been absolutely terrifying for you :( You poor thing. All I can say is persist with appointments, get the right pain management and eat protein to help you heal. Don't be shy about taking all help offered and just put what you can on hold. Look after yourself and try not to stress. You were 'lucky' it wasn't a whole heap worse, but it's bad enough. You poor girl, I hope you are being looked after super well.
 
I did not want to read and pass, I can offer you no solution, just hugs and as others have said, one day at a time. Try to accept help, there are times when independence has to take a back seat. Be kind to yourself, you may decide to make changes, but do it when you feel in control and have the pain under control.

A period off in the field may add years to your horses active life, and as he knows his job when you are ready he will still be there for you.

I lost my confidence years ago, and did not ride again after a bad experience. I can only say I have had many years of enjoyment watching others ride and compete on our horses and ponies, and now for me having rescue ponies in the field and time to play with them is rewarding.

Hugs and sending healing vibes
 
Hypnotherepy - absolutely brilliant for a specific incident - what is does is mixes it up with happier times and so the horror of the accident loses its potentency.

And don't think its wossie, why do you think all top athletes have 'mind coaches' this is just what they are, people who help you focus on the positive not the negative and make them more effective.

Really find a good one and go ....... it enables you to start moving forward again. I am sure that there are lots of other things in the mix of moving forward, but honestly, you are where you are, so why not use the experience to ultimately make you stronger - the journey can be good when you start to take control of it!!

Good luck.
 
I badly broke my leg trying a horse my whole world changed that day .
It look five years of surgeries before the doctors where finished with me .
In the time I was injured I lost all three event horses I had to different things it seemed to me that bad luck hung over the place nothing went right .
But I have come through .
Life is different I am different I have learnt lots.
Chronic pain is tiring and depressing but it does get better .
I have learnt how to manage my broken body and hopefully might get to an 80 or 90 BE this year .
It's a world away from where I was but I am happy and at peace with what happened .
Try not to be angry and focus forward .
I know this does not sound help full and I understand the indignity of it and the tears of frustration but you will get through .
 
Goldenstar said:
I badly broke my leg trying a horse my whole world changed that day .
It look five years of surgeries before the doctors where finished with me .
In the time I was injured I lost all three event horses I had to different things it seemed to me that bad luck hung over the place nothing went right .
But I have come through .
Life is different I am different I have learnt lots.
Chronic pain is tiring and depressing but it does get better .
I have learnt how to manage my broken body and hopefully might get to an 80 or 90 BE this year .
It's a world away from where I was but I am happy and at peace with what happened .
Try not to be angry and focus forward .
I know this does not sound help full and I understand the indignity of it and the tears of frustration but you will get through .
Click to expand...

Oh wow Goldenstar, exactly the same as me. I just feel what could have been the next chapter in my 'showjumping career' has turned into a nightmare. I feel cheated out of what should have been a great day trying a new horse and taking her home. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to still have a leg, and not be dead. I really do. But it doesn't help me wanting to scream "this isn't how it was supposed to be"
I'll be ok, I think because I can do nothing but lie on the sofa and over think everything it's hard to be positive.
 
Don't give up, it will get better. I broke my femur around 10 years ago. It was pinned and plated, I spent 6 months on crutches but only a few months out of the saddle! I broke it in the April and was back hunting, jumping, generally going as fast as possible by august/September!
Whilst you can't ride, could you go and have some driving lessons with the RDA?
Ps just remember if you don't put the work in, your broken leg will always be weaker. Good luck and get well soon.
 
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