Struggling to cope

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horsegirl123

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Sorry for the long post.
Two days ago I had my horse and best friend of 8 years pts.
He suddenly coliced one morning, improved through out the day then suddenly dramatically deteriorated that night so the only option was to have him pts in the early hours of the morning.
I'm absolutely devastated. The worst thing for me was that I wasn't there, i was at university and he was too uncomfortable for him to wait until I could get home and I couldn't let him suffer. He was with my dad and my friend who were looking after him whilst I was away and he loved them both very much.
He's been my rock for the past 8 years and I feel so incredibly guilty I wasn't there, we had such a close bond and I'd always said if anything happened I'd be there and I feel like I really let him down and I'm just not sure how I'm going to move past this. It's a constant ache in my chest, I can't eat or sleep.

Any advice from anyone who's experienced the same thing would be so appreciated.
Thank you
 
I am really sorry to hear of your loss. I do think you know that you did the only thing you could do, and that you would have been there if you could.

Grieving can happen for animals just as for fellow humans. Does your university have a counselling service that could help? They are there for just this time, especially when at uni and away from close family.
 
I am so very sorry for your loss and though i wish there was something i could say that would make you feel better there isn't. over the years i have lost 2 horses and been able to be there to the end, it is the final act that we believe we can do for our beloved animals. I have always thought i would be able to do that for all my pets. 2 years ago, my dog was very unwell one morning, he had cancer and had been having chemo. I rushed him to the vets and they said to leave him, i told them they must ring me if he took a turn for the worst. I rang at 1pm and they said he was stable. At 2pm they rang and told me he was dead. I was truely heatbroken, my boy was my soul mate, no one meant more to me than he and i was devestated he had died alone, my plan for his end would be that he would be pts at home with me when his time came. I was so upset that i couldn't speak to the vet, blamed them for not allowing me and my boy to have our last minutes together and in leaving my OH to the arrangements i never even got his ashes . I am in tears writing this. All i can say is you will feel better in time and even if it wasn't you, he had people who loved him with him. His soul knew you loved him and him you. Sometimes life takes things out of our hands and it isn't fair, you just keep him in your heart. Big hugs, i'm thinking of you
 
I too couldn't be there when my horse of a lifetime was put to sleep. You can't let the guilt get to you. Imagine it the other way round. What if you had made them wait till you got there. Could you have been ok knowing the pain he was in and that he had to wait? You did the most unselfish thing in an even more unselfish way by not making him wait. You utterly put him before you. There is nothing to feel bad about.
 
So sorry, it's the reality of horse ownership that we all have to face at some point but is incredibly hard to take....
You did the right thing for your best friend by not making him wait for you in pain. He had people with him who he knew & who loved him too. He will know that you loved him very much...
It will get easier I promise, but it takes time.
I had two old companion ponies pts 6 weeks ago & I cried more over them than I have over the other riding horses that I've lost over the years, I've no idea why!! I miss their little cheeky faces & their big whinnies when they saw me coming, however it was the right decision for them both - doesn't make it any easier for me tho, I'm sat here in tears!
Give yourself a hug & don't let anyone tell you "he was just a horse" xx
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words. He was only 20 my lovely boy and in such good condition, never been sick or sorry so was all such a shock, it doesn't feel real.
It is very comforting to know I'm not alone as it all feels very empty and lonely at the moment.
In my heart I know I couldn't let him suffer, but the guilt of why did I not come home sooner is so painful.
I'm so sorry for all your losses and I hope my merlin is up there settling in well with them all.
xxx
 
Be kind to yourself. By not making him wait until you could be there you did the best thing for him even though it hurt you. Doing that you showed how much you loved and cared for him. I'm sure if you could have been beamed there Star Trek style you would have been there in a heartbeat, but you could so you did the best thing for him.
 
Thank you for not making him wait for you. My daughter had a competition pony on loan for some years; he was then retired and stayed on with us. We loved him very much. He colicked at night - we had known for about a week that we were coming to the end and it was clear that night was going to be it. But his legal owners wanted to be there. The vet and I hung on for 4 hours with him. We kept him sedated; but it wasn't the end I would have chosen for him. And objectively - I don't think he knew or cared who was there. I think that's a human emotion. (Although no less valid for that!)

That said - one of the first letters I got in Boarding school aged 10 was to say my pony had been PTS following a hunting accident. I don't think I ever got over feeling that I had let him down. I wasn't there. Had I been we might not have taken that jump. I should have held him. Maybe I could have saved him. He died alone etc. etc.

Do go and speak to someone at student welfare. They have loads of counselors and this is no different from loosing a two legged member of the family.
 
I lost my beautiful boy to colic whilst away on holiday. The vet made the decision to PTS after initially thinking of surgery. I completely trust that decision but blame myself for leaving him. My heart tells me he would not have colicked had I been there even though my head tells me it probably would have happened anyway. A year later I lost my beloved rotty to cancer and again was not there for her. Holiday again. To this day I carry that guilt with me for them both and think I always will. However, the people around both my babies did their very best and neither died alone which is a comfort. Allow yourself to grieve but try not to feel bad you weren't there. If we can stop their pain then it is the best, last thing we can do for them.
 
So very, very sorry for your loss. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to have my daughters beloved pony put to sleep while she was away at uni. We both still miss our beautiful Dazzle and always will, but it is important to remember the good and happy times and to know that she didn't suffer when her time came. I think so often one feels guilt as part of grief but time is a healer and the pain will ease. Animals are such a huge part of our lives and leave a tremendous gap when they are no longer there but please know that your horse was cared for to the end, allow yourself to grieve but don't allow guilt to stop you from moving on and enjoying your new life at uni.
 
We lost our lovely boy two weeks ago, he had not very complicated surgery but was in recovery and stopped breathing after 30 minutes. I am devastated we weren't with him. I'm very old and have seen a few horses go, but I have been able to be with them.

You've done your best for your horse, be peaceful.
 
I lost my old boy to colic after nearly 18 years together; he was my constant through a very difficult period of my life. I was completely devastated by his loss, it was a year before I could look at photos of him and little silver packets of Bute still bring a tear to my eye - he was on two a day for the last two years of his life. Things got better when I allowed myself to focus on the brilliant times we had together.
 
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