Struggling with PTS

[ClaretCarrot]

I need to apologise in advance for the very long rambling post. I had my horse pts this week and I'm really really struggling to come to terms with it. I had her nearly 20 years and she was unsound for most of it. Between serious injuries and reoccurring laminitis, her life was a very strict diet for most of the year with bouts of pain management when necessary. Over the years in my head I knew the sensible decision would be to pts but I never thought I would have the guts to go through with it. I justified keeping her going because she loved the winters and the freedom of being in the field with the whole herd.

This winter she got laminitis, and the prospect of putting her in a wood chip starvation paddock in winter changed everything. I just couldn't starve and segregate her during the winter too. So when the farrier told me to put her in the woodchip paddock for a few weeks to get over the laminitis, instead I put her out in the field with her friends and I called the vet to get her pts. I pretty much asked the vet to come up ASAP as I was worried I'd chicken out like I have many times in the past.

It all went very smoothly and she didn't for a moment have any worry. I managed to hold it together at the time, but now I'm absolutely falling apart. It's like it was a different person who called the vet and made that decision, and led her out of her stable to be pts. I was in some sort of haze at the time, and now that haze has lifted I can't actually believe I did it.

This post is completely pointless, I'm just wondering will this extreme sense of guilt and disbelief go? I'm absolutely devastated.

During the spring summer autumn she was on a track looking longingly at the horses in the rest of the field. When laminitis hit she'd be moved to a woodchip paddock. The rational part of me knows I did a lot of her, as I built the track and the woodchip paddock for her and spent a fortune on vets and farriers over the years. But I can't shake off this extreme feeling of guilt. I'll miss her terribly. And of course now I'm thinking of a couple of things I didn't try, and maybe they might have been the key to keeping her sound.

 

[Redders]

Didn't want to read and run. Want to say that you did the best thing for your friend. I don't think you ever get over a loss like yours, but you do get used to it and it gets easier with time. You did the right thing, don't feel guilty cause she is gone, feel glad that you could end her pain.xxx

 

[JanetGeorge]

You did the right thing and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have an old girl in the field I am watching like a hawk - I know her time is rapidly approaching - but as long as she holds her condition and is seen eating with some enthusiasm, I can't bring myself to do it.

It's the hardest decision we have to make - on what you have said there was nothing else you could have tried - and I respect you enormously for trying so hard for so long. It will hurt for weeks - or months - there's nothing you can do about that. But don't feel guilt! You owed her a stress free end - that's done.

 

[southerncomfort]

Oh I am sorry.

I absolutely 100% believe that you made the right call for this mare. You'd seen her suffer on and off over the years and you knew it would make her unhappy to be off grass and away from her friends again. She was a grand old lady and you made the most selfless decision to let her go rather than suffer.

What you are experiencing is the gut wrenching grief that goes with losing someone that has been a huge part of your life for so long. Confusions, guilt, anger, bewilderment.

The truth is that you did everything you could for her right up to the very end and I truly hope you can take some comfort from that. xxx

 

[Annagain]

Oh you poor thing. Have a big hug from me. It's still incredibly early days and I promise, it will get easier. I've only had to PTS once. It was an emergency and I had no choice but it was still awful. It was Tuesday April 5th 2005. That date is imprinted on my memory.

You know deep down that you did exactly the right thing. She would have had very little quality of life by the sound it. As you say, spending all year on her own in a starvation paddock would not be any sort of life.

You've done everything a responsible caring owner should do. You were strong for her when she needed you to be and now you're suffering for it. She knows nothing of that though, she went knowing she was loved, with a belly full of grass having spent some lovely time with her friends and no worries for her future. It's pants when the best thing for them is the worst thing for us, but that's what it was....the best thing for her.

 

[ihatework]

Oh bless you, I'm welling up having called it a day with my 2 old cats yesterday and being in a near identical situation with an old and much loved horse myself.
He has unsoundness issues and advancing cushings. He got laminitis last year and spent most of the summer either in a box or a bare paddock.
I won't do that to him again and once spring hits I think he will be pts.
It will be the worst and hardest decision I will have made in my life. I hope I can be strong like you.

 

[Farcical1]

No need to apologise at all. It sounds like you worked bloody hard to give her a good life and gave her great care. You have done her the greatest kindness that anyone can do.
You will grieve and you will come to terms with it. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. In time, you will remember the good times with a smile.

 

[chillipup]

Please don't feel guilty ClaretCarrot, you loved and cared for your horse an awfully long time and right up to where your love and selflessness provided a quiet and dignified end for such a dear friend. You've been extremely brave and I know your heart must be breaking. You were right in your decision and have no reason to feel guilty (although I'm sure all who have been in this position have felt the same)

You are grieving at the moment because of the sudden loss. This grief may last for quite some time. Don't be afraid of it, it is very natural and It can seem like it will never end, but little by little you will come to terms with it, in your own time. You will never forget your horse, nor what she meant to you but your grief will subside and despite it still being able to bring a tear to your eye every now and again, it will eventually bring peace to you and the ability for you to remember your very special friend regularly and in more happier times.

You have my sincere sympathy CC. I wish you well.

 

[dozzie]

I think it is harder when you have to "make" the decision. There will always be the "what if... could I have done more..."
I think you need to think about why you made the decision and why you felt it was the best decision.
Don't feel guilty. Focus on what lay ahead for her had you kept her going. You did the right thing.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I am so sorry about your horse but you totally did the right thing her quality of life was looking bleak because of the laminitis and they don't know why they are being kept in so it's not fair to keep them that way, I was in your position last year my lovely mare got laminitis she had cushings and ems and couldn't be ridden, I got her almost sound in 3 months and then it came back and she was in so much pain I had her pts the next day I couldn't watch her go through it again, I feel guilty I can still cry my eyes out over her even though I know I did the right thing it's horrible isn't it it still makes you feel rotten I promise you one thing it does get easier as time goes by, it's still very raw for you as it's only just happened I was in depressed state for about 2 weeks could not stop crying and then I just had to pick myself up for the sake of my other horses, if you need a chat pm me I know exactly how you feel and if I can help you in anyway I will x

 

[gingerarab]

I have done exactly the same today and for the same reasons so i completely understand where you are coming from, its the worst decision to have to make and you feel so so guilty for doing it. I keep telling myself it is/was for the right reasons and that pony is no longer suffering or living a life of hell. Doesnt stop you feeling so awful x pm me if you want to chat x

 

[Hepsibah]

I think you chose the right moment for her. You did what was best for her rather than what was best for you every step of the way. The way you're feeling now isn't because you did the wrong thing or because you didn't do enough but because you loved her. It's the price we pay for loving them and we pay the price gladly.

 

[WandaMare]

So sorry to hear about your horse, and yours too gingerarab. It hurts so much to let them go but its the kindest thing for them, saving them from more suffering. Hugs to you both x

 

[Irish gal]

Please don't blame yourself in any way and I very much doubt there was a whole lot more you could have done to keep her going comfortably. TBH you probably are quite rare for having got a laminitic mare like that into her 20s at all. And I'm sure she knows what you did for her, building her a paddock and track - she couldn't have had a better owner.

You are just grieving for her now and it will take time, especially as you were so close to her and had her so long. I've had three PTS and I still feel guilty about all three although none were directly sick due to me. One broke his leg in a stress fracture on the gallops and I ask myself why did I ever put him into training - he would be alive now if I didn't. Completely pointless but maybe we all feel guilt to some degree.

I hope you have someone there you can talk to and have a nice quiet weekend planned. Don't put yourself under any pressure, you've been through enough xx

 

[rhylis]

I really feel for you and I know exactly what you mean when you say that it feels like it was a different person who made the phone call and sorted things out on the day. I had my mare pts in November and it was like I was on auto pilot throughout the whole thing. It hit me like a sledgehammer about an hour later that it had actually happened. Our situation was similar to yours in that my horse had soundness issues and recurrent severe sarcoids the whole time I had her (15 years). I was on the verge of pts for a number of years before it happened. I think its was in my mind so much and I prepared myself over and over to do it but each time didn't. Finally when it did happen my brain was telling me that it wouldn't really go ahead and there was this moment of shock when she really was gone.

Its been about 3 months now and the horrible guilt I felt afterwards is fading as I know there wasn't another option, especially as this winter would have been hard on her. Winter was always a good time for her as the sarcoids were a big problem in summer due to flies. This winter being so wet and muddy would have been terrible for her.
It does get easier and gradually the guilt will fade because you know deep down that you did the right thing for your horse.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

You really have nothing to feel guilty about. You spent many years doing the very best you could to keep your horse as healthy and comfortable as you could and when it became obvious that your usual management had become ineffective, you made the best decision for her that you could.
If you had decided to keep her separated from her herd during the winter as well, you would have beeen justified in feeling guilty, imo. That is no life for a horse, especially as it would seem that she may have had another episode of laminitis, even with that management.
I am sure that if your horse could do so, she would thank you for putting her needs first.
Of course you are upset, she has been a huge part of your life for many years but please don't beat yourself up becasue you have put her suffereing to an end. Take some time to really concentrate on the good times that she had with you and keep telling yourself that you did your best for her *always*

 

[Ali27]

I made that awful decision on Monday so know exactly how you feel I had my mare 14 years but 3 1/2 years ago, she had a lesion on her SDFT and when operated on, they discovered that her manica flexoria was torn too. The prognosis for even being field sound was poor but she did months of box rest and I religiously stuck to controlled walking programme. She has had the last 3 years being a happy, fat, hairy field ornament. However on Monday, I found her hopping lame on a different leg and called vet. The verdict was tendon again and I had always promised her that I would never put her through months of box rest again especially as last time the prognosis was so poor. So I held her right until the end on Monday as she slipped away peacefully. The first few days were hardest when I constantly questioned if I made the right decision and maybe that I should have given her a chance! Now, I totally know that I made the best decision for my beloved mare. I pick her ashes up tomorrow which is going to be so hard but I'm going to go for a long hack on our other horse and scatter some of her ashes on our favourite ride. Take care! You did the right and brave thing for your horse! Pm me if you want a chat x

 

[touchstone]

I did exactly the same for my mare in September, I couldn't face a winter of her being alone and deprived of her favourite grass when she came down with laminitis. She also had Cushing's and ems, so I knew that she would likely deteriorate to the point of really suffering if I didn't act for her.

I think it's totally normal to question what you've done and to wonder 'what if', but if it hadn't been the right time then you wouldn't have gone through with it, it was the kindest option for your horse.

I still miss mine dreadfully, but I wouldn't want her alive and miserable just to keep me happy.

As hepsibah has said, it hurts so much because you loved her so much. X

 

[Sukistokes2]

You are a brave and caring owner, you did the best thing for her and not for yourself. That hurts! A lot of us really understand that on here. I wish you all the best!

 

[oldie48]

You are grieving but in time I'm sure you'll feel so much better knowing you did the best for your horse. Thank you for posting. I'm sure there are many of us, nursing elderly horses along, knowing in our hearts that there will be a day, possibly quite soon, that we will also have to make that awful decision. TBH it is the mark of being a "responsible" owner I just hope that when my time comes, I'm brave enough to step up to the mark because my horse deserves that. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Wagtail]

I know exactly how you feel about keeping a horse going with recurring laminitis and having to starve and segregate them. I did this with my mare for three long years. She was my horse of a lifetime and I have never loved another animal quite so much before or since. We were like soul mates and knew each other inside out. I too called the vet on the day of the deed having known that was what I would have to do for a very long time, but she was always so cheerful and seemed so happy all of the time that I just couldn't make that final call. In addition, she had a companion who was also needing to be starved and segregated for the last 9 months of her life. The straw which broke came when she redid an old tendon injury which meant she would need a few months box rest and I just couldn't do it to her. I called the vet and had him do the deed then and there. Like you, I felt in a complete daze. Sadly the PTS was not peaceful and it still haunts me over two years later. But the decision was the right one. I miss her every single day.

You did the right thing for your mare. I can tell you if the PTS itself had been more peaceful, I would have recovered far better, so you will. It will take time, but don't feel guilty, you absolutely did the right thing for your mare x

 

[maxapple]

You have done the right thing for your horse - without a doubt. It's such a hard thing to do and they leave such a gap.

Give yourself lots of time to find peace with it all. When I had my horse pts I gave up riding for the first time in 30 years and mine had been on DIY, so it was a total life change too. I Just didn't want to be around horses at all - and lots of friends offered theirs for me. It's been 17 months now and I am just getting back into riding a friends horse.

I still feel sad and guilty some days, despite knowing it was the only choice I could make for him. I could have waited but that would have been wrong.

Lots of love x

 

[hairycob]

Because you did the unselfish thing she won't know any more pain. I suggest a large glass (or 2) offline, a big box of tissues, play songs that make you cry and let it all out.

 

[ClaretCarrot]

Thank you so much everyone for the very kind replies. They are a huge comfort. I'll continue to re-read them over the coming days/weeks. My mare was the matriarch of the herd so it's both upsetting and interesting to see all their reactions to their loss too. After she was Pts I let all the horses go over to her, and each said goodbye very differently. Her son who was always stabled beside her wont willingly go into his stable anymore.

Obviously in my haze (or auto pilot as you say Rhylis) I incorrectly remembered her not looking too lame while I was leading her out to bb Pts. Thankfully I took a video of her the day before walking out to the field for the last time, and that painted a different picture and reassured me I did the right thing. It still hurts like hell though.

GingerArab I'm sorry for your loss too, and everyone else that has had to make that call also. It still hasn't fully sunk in but there were less tears today. Thanks again everyone for your kind words x

 

[serena2005]

No need to apologise at all. It sounds like you worked bloody hard to give her a good life and gave her great care. You have done her the greatest kindness that anyone can do.
You will grieve and you will come to terms with it. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. In time, you will remember the good times with a smile.

Second this xxxx take care xx

 

[Adopter]

Time will help ease the pain of loss, but the loss of a special horse or pony, never seems to go it catches you at off guard moments, but you had the courage to make the call so that she should not suffer any longer I think that shows love and how much you cared for her. Hugs.

.

 

[poiuytrewq]

What a caring kind owner your mare had.
You did exactly the right thing, no doubt with her best interests at heart.
What your feeling is completely normal and a part of the whole grief process.
Think of the pain and distress you have prevented her from having in the future. She's at peace now xx