Support the Otis Ferry Fund-raising Evening

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Cedric

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Like everyone else on this site (apart from the soap-dodging antis) I've spent a considerable time since the ridiculous charges preferred against young Otis thinking how we can help our hero. In particular I'm concerned that this splendid representative of hunting will have great difficulty in meeting the legal bills in the forthcoming fascist court case. He comes, after all, from humble stock and hunts for the thrill of the chase rather than lining his coffers with filthy lucre. I don't think people realise just how hard it is to go foxhunting as well as paying fines for drink-driving etc...

I have therefore decided to organise a fund-raising presentation of Hamlet at the Simonsbath House Hotel on May 3rd at 8pm sharp. Due to a disappointingly low level of support from the local hunts I will be playing every part. Tickets are a very reasonable £35 and that includes half a pint of Carlsberg AND nibbles. Otis himself, alas, cannot attend because he says he has a prior engagement as Head Judge at the Heythrop Young Farmers' WAGs' Wet T-Shirt Competition.

I very much look forward to seeing you all next Saturday!

PS If any ladies have any spare tights you could lend me please send me a message. You can have them back after the performance if you really insist.
 
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peakpark

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I have therefore decided to organise a fund-raising presentation of Hamlet at the Simonsbath House Hotel on May 3rd at 8pm sharp. Due to a disappointingly low level of support from the local hunts I will be playing every part.
Click to expand...

Hmmm......sounds interesting. How are you going to act Hamlet stabbing Polonius through the arras?
 
AmyMay

AmyMay

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Otis Ferry does not come from humble stock. But if he can't afford his legal fees - then presumably he is eligible for legal aid.

Otis is more than capable of looking after himself - and knows full well the implications of his actions - silly lad.
 
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matty007

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Why on earth would you want to raise money for a ignorant little tw*t like him??.

Cant you see that everytime Otis "daddy was a popstar" Ferry assaults and robs people, it is plastered over all of the papers. Do you honestly think this does your "guardians of the countryside/Animal loving" image any good???

x
 
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Cedric

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Thank you one and all for your kind support. Unfortunately I've had a very busy week and have only learned the lines as far as the ghost coming in in the first scene so I've had to ditch Hamlet.

Instead though I'm going recreate my favourite sketch from Little Britain where the fat one in the wheel-chair jumps off the diving board behind the other person's back then sits back down all wet. I'm using my daughter-s paddling pool for, well, the pool, and have cobbled together a very convincing wheel-chair (using a pair of roller skates and an old shooting stick). I've been practising whenever possible all week and, apart from a slight hernia scare, it's all been going rather swimmingly (!). Remember it's all for Otis so please make the effort to attend, and ladies note I WILL be wearing Speedos!!!
 
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brummel

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Oh, bl..dy hell, I've just spluttered half a cup of coffee over my screen reading this...it's hilarious.

Good one Cedric!!!! :)
 
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FinellaGlen

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Cedric - your forthcoming "performance" sounds intriguing. I am particularly looking forward to the Speedos........or am I?
 
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Cedric

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Grumpy, you've missed it!

Well, what a night it was! It was clear by 9pm that no one was going to turn up. Depressed at the thought of having to fork out £100 for the "conference" room in the hotel I trudged to the bar to drown my sorrows, where I was met with banshee-like screeches from the assembled throng of what turned out to be a load of drunk women on a hen-night. They immediately surrounded me and started clapping and shouting "OFF! OFF! OFF!" It was only then that I realised I'd forgotten to get changed and was still in my Speedos. To my astonishment they took to shoving notes down the front (which produced a mild but not unpleasant chaffing effect). Having force-fed me a few pints of cider I must say I rather enjoyed the attention after the failure of the show and showed them a bit of rump steak and some of them were kind enough to say it was the best Granddad-o-gram they'd ever witnessed. Of course then I had to explain why I was really there and, many of them being hunting girls, told me not to worry. "Oh he's just ghastly. I know lots of people in the Heythrop and frankly..."

I texted Otis to tell him the bad news and he said "Who are you? F*** orf!" The joker!

Fortunately, the hotel didn't make me pay so I'm £200 quid up. Think I'll keep it.

Woke up this morning in Simonsbath's only skip. Not again!
 
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native

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The 'Support the Otis Ferry' bit caught my attention as I thought who on earth would want to do that? I'm so pleased I've read this thread, funniest thing I've read in a long time :D Well done Cedric.
 
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