Telling share horses owner I don't like competing

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chaps89

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I've shared share horse for 3 years now. The first summer I did a couple of dressage tests on him (the yard he's on also runs nice friendly shows)
Many tears and bad scores later due to tension/nerves and I had a conversation with a sports psychologist type person.
At which point I realised I just don't enjoy it and don't want to compete enough to invest in the work needed to make it enjoyable. I've somehow managed to avoid doing any subsequent competing one way or another.
However show season is upon us and his owner is really keen for me to compete him again this year. (She competes him herself but usually at a higher level or in a different discipline)
How on earth do I tell her I just don't want to compete without offending or upsetting her?
Heck, I fall apart sharing a school or if there's someone in the school next to me, never mind doing an actual dressage test. Yes, it's irrational and extreme I know!
 
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She probably doesn’t realise and thinks she is just being encouraging and trying to give you the opportunity.

Just tell her what you wrote in the post. It will probably maker her life easier anyway if she doesn’t have to work around you competing
 
Just be honest. Say that you really enjoy the horse but competing really isn't your thing and you wouldn't want to disrupt her season by possibly upsetting the horse with your own nerves. Maybe offer to groom for her at a show or two so she feels like you are being involved in a way you are happier with.
 
She's just so very keen - to the extent of offering to pay my entry fee.
I'm not sure I really understand it but I know it's a really nice gesture and that a lot of people would jump at the chance so I don't want to sound ungrateful or upset her.
I usually groom for her at a few of the shows anyway (I enjoy the scrubbing and getting ready bit!) But might reiterate I'm happy to help with that and suggests she comes to watch a lesson if she'd like to see me riding?
Last time she saw me ride was a disaster - I knew it was important and wanted to show her how well it's been going, so promptly got all tense and he went more backwards than I've ever known with alsorts of wiggly evasions going on because I sat there like a pleb not actually riding :-/
 
How is this:
It's very kind of you to offer and I realise I'm very lucky to have your support :) I hope you don't mind me saying though that I'd actually rather not compete him as I don't enjoy it and actually find it very stressful, so I know we are far from our best in test situations as a result. I'm more than happy to come out with you as a groom again this year (I like the pampering and getting ready bit!) And maybe we could arrange my next lesson at a time where you can come to watch if you'd like to see how we're getting on?
 
chaps89 said:
How is this:
It's very kind of you to offer and I realise I'm very lucky to have your support :) I hope you don't mind me saying though that I'd actually rather not compete him as I don't enjoy it and actually find it very stressful, so I know we are far from our best in test situations as a result. I'm more than happy to come out with you as a groom again this year (I like the pampering and getting ready bit!) And maybe we could arrange my next lesson at a time where you can come to watch if you'd like to see how we're getting on?
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Maybe make it clearer that it's not the horses fault, you just don't enjoy competing as a whole. Saves the potential for her to think you mean 'I don't like competing ON YOUR HORSE' and her taking offense :)
 
chaps89 said:
It's very kind of you to offer and I realise I'm very lucky to have your support :) I hope you don't mind me saying though that I'd rather not compete him as I don't enjoy it and find it very stressful, so I know we are far from our best in test situations as a result. I'm more than happy to come out with you as a groom again this year (I like the pampering and getting ready bit!) And maybe we could arrange my next lesson at a time where you can come to watch if you'd like to see how we're getting on?
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I took the liberty of editing your suggested words, chaps.

It sounds more definite without 'actually' here and there. (So they are now gone.) The part in bold is very very good (because it's completely true) but the underlined part could be omitted. That bit doesn't seem to be true because you told us you get stressed out when your friend watches your lessons (which I can totally understand. I loath being watched when doing anything).

Good luck. Remember, all your friend probably wants is to know what you want.
 
Darn, I just obliterorated my post by mistake.

chaps89 said:
It's very kind of you to offer and I realise I'm very lucky to have your support :) I hope you don't mind me saying though that I'd rather not compete him as I don't enjoy it and find it very stressful, so I know we are far from our best in test situations as a result. I'm more than happy to come out with you as a groom again this year (I like the pampering and getting ready bit!) And maybe we could arrange my next lesson at a time where you can come to watch if you'd like to see how we're getting on?
Click to expand...

I've taken the liberty of editing your piece, chaps, to remove the actuallys. It sounds more definite without them.

The bold bit is very good but the underlined bit should be removed I think, because you'd rather not be watched during lessons.

Remember, your friend probably justs wants to know what you want.
 
Agree, better with out the actually’s
I find a lot of people just don’t understand the not being competitive thing. It may be that she really thinks she’s making it the best situation for you.
I’m sure it will be fine, especially as your still offering to help and showing interest in them competing x
 
I thought I wanted to compete but then decided I didn't enjoy it.Just lately trainers young son has started a bit of show jumping with him and I enjoy going to watch that.
 
As a person with a loaned out horse, I just want the loaner and the horse to enjoy their time whatever it is they choose to do :) I'm sure your owner won't mind at all so long as you and her horse are happy
xx
 
Agree- just tell her. And the wording of that is great. A lot of people really struggle to get their heads around the fact we all enjoy different things! So her encouraging you will probably because she thinks that you'll enjoy it really once you get there, or deep down you want to do it. Just be clear with her that you really don't and really won't. Honest!
 
I wouldn't be at all surprised if the owner is just grateful that you are helping her in riding her horse nicely, keeping him fit and also taking the time out to come and groom for her too. She's probably being really proactive at offering to help you get to competitions as a way to help you in return, she just doesn't know yet that its not your cup of tea :)
I just read it a thought (as an owner who is very grateful for my lovely hacking sharer and also a friend who supervises me at shows sometimes) - that would be me ;)
I share my transport with my friend so she can go to the training and complementary clinic she likes, she doesn't enjoy competing either.
 
EKW said:
Just be honest. Say that you really enjoy the horse but competing really isn't your thing and you wouldn't want to disrupt her season by possibly upsetting the horse with your own nerves. Maybe offer to groom for her at a show or two so she feels like you are being involved in a way you are happier with.
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Perfect.

I hate competing too and when I was between horses I used to hack competition horse for competitive riders who hated hacking - it was a good solution all round.
 
I had 2 horses, two sharers, and regularly offered both a chance to compete at a lower level, and neither were interested. Would do lessons / hacking / fun rides but not up for competing. I didn't mind at all, I just didn't want them to feel left out. I was quite happy to be the main competing rider for both horses. I just didn't want my sharers to feel I was using them to keep horse fit for me to compete. I wanted them to have the opportunity if they wanted.
 
I've told all my sharers that they're welcome to do as much or as little competing as they'd like and I really mean it. A couple of them did a bit, but most are happy hackers or enjoy lessons but not much else. What matters to me is they do their days, they treat him well and they don't put anyone in danger. Everything else is totally up to them. They can paint him pink and make him wear a tutu if they like!
 
Thankyou everyone. I'm actually a bit surprised so many people understand, very relieved!
To a certain extent it is worse with him because he's well schooled so we should do well and because the shows are held on site it means people know us which makes me feel under more pressure than if it was on my own pony at an outside venue where it's not as bad (Although I still don't really enjoy it!)
I took your advice and sent the message above with the tweaks in it - she's replied to say no problem and that she understands. Phew!
 
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