The last few days..

emfen1305

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 December 2015
Messages
1,037
Sorry, another moany post from me but just feeling a bit rubbish and know that the lovely people of HHO send nice vibes which are much needed tonight and for the next few days. The vet is coming on Friday morning, it has been arranged for a week or so now but this week is hard. I am an emotional wreck at work, I cried over a spreadsheet yesterday and nobody dares speak to me in case it sets me off. I don't feel like talking to anyone at the yard and I don't even feel like being there. I am torn between spending as much time as I can with him and just trying to detach myself and just doing the basics, I don't know what to do. All of this is being exacerbated by the fact that I can't sleep so I am overtired and getting really irritable. I almost called the vet yesterday to cancel the whole thing because I just can't cope with feeling this constant pang of guilt in my stomach. Please someone tells me that it gets better :(
 

ozpoz

Well-Known Member
Joined
31 August 2010
Messages
2,578
This is the worst part, waiting. You will get through it but I don't think there is much anyone can say to make it better, except that many of us have been there and know what you are going through. x
 

chaps89

Well-Known Member
Joined
8 July 2009
Messages
6,273
Location
Surrey
I'm sorry you had to make this decision, it's never easy. For me, the waiting to have it done was the worst bit, after it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It's easier said than done but look after yourself and just do what feels right. Are you able to work from home or take any holiday if work is difficult? I hope all goes smoothly for you.
 

Pearlsasinger

Well-Known Member
Joined
20 February 2009
Messages
36,418
Location
W. Yorks
Yes, it gets better.
I can never decide which is worse, a planned pts or having to decide/do it as an emergency. In an emergency I find that you start second guessing yourself/the vet and wondering if the outcome could have been different. In a planned pts you know that you are doing the best thing for the horse because there is no more that can be done (whether that is because of financial constraints/time available or lack of medical knowledge, or just because the horse has had enough). In your case, if I remember correctly, you have tried all that can be tried and the horse still isn't right - there is nothing more that can be done.
Except that you can make him as comfortable as he can be this week. I can promise you that when it is all over your overwhelming emotion will be relief. Relief that he is no longer in pain and relief that you no longer have to watch him and hope.
I will send you some stay strong <<<vibes>>>> to get you to the end of the week. I am sorrry you are facing this.
 

tda

Well-Known Member
Joined
18 April 2013
Messages
1,790
Location
Yorkshire
It does get better. Hope you have someone with you, to take you away at the best time. Please don't watch x
Focus on the positive , it is the right decision xxx
 

SEL

Well-Known Member
Joined
25 February 2016
Messages
7,442
Location
Buckinghamshire
Stuff him full of spring grass and as many goodies as you can get, make a huge fuss, cry in his mane and deep down know this is the right thing. Be kind to yourself xx
 

JDH01

Well-Known Member
Joined
24 January 2013
Messages
264
Location
Derbyshire
Like a lot of owners I have had to make both a planned and an emergency decision to pts. In an emergency even if you are not here (I was on holiday) you just have to react to make the best decision you can in awful circumstances. I hate the planned decision and the waiting feeling like your friend knows they are condemned which of course they don't but you feel they do. Just love your horse and be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, this is a selfless and really brave decision and having watched my dad die a painful and prolonged death only wish we could make it for our human loved ones.
 

Equi

Well-Known Member
Joined
25 October 2010
Messages
12,092
You poor thing, there really is nothing to say. Ive been lucky in that any decision has been pretty soon after the need...but i think back to my dog who i had to pts at xmas...i did it on the day we decided ok enough, but for months before i was a wreck thinking about it. (she was diagnosed with terminal cancer) Even that day despite it being clear she was ready, i was a wreck. I have bitten the head of the queen if she had crossed me. immediately after she was taken away (my wonderful dad and aunty took her, i just could not bare it...crying thinking about it even now) i had the anxiety until my dad called and said thats it, shes gone. As much as i dreaded it and felt like my heart was breaking i knew it was the best, and that she was now okay. It was honestly a huge relief. I was sad, obviously, had a bit of a wobbly day in bed. But i just could not help but smile that she had a great life, and a respectful end with people she loved...and if im honest she always loved my dad more than me lol but she was no longer in pain.

So when people say its the waiting that makes it worse it is. I think we assume that after it we will have this even worse dip of grief..but when you know it is in the best interests, you feel relief. You are grieving now already...youll be sad, but you know its best. You will be okay. You will get through this.

Not the same, but when i sold my horse (too much horse for me) i spent about a week in tears before his new owner picked him up. I couldnt look at him, but i could not stay away from him. Its such a mixed emotion...but it got better. I was ok :)
 

southerncomfort

Well-Known Member
Joined
29 September 2013
Messages
3,704
I do feel for you. Knowing you are doing the right thing doesn't make it any easier to deal with unfortunately.

Will be thinking of you on Friday.

x
 

hopscotch bandit

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 February 2017
Messages
2,872
Like a lot of owners I have had to make both a planned and an emergency decision to pts. In an emergency even if you are not here (I was on holiday) you just have to react to make the best decision you can in awful circumstances. I hate the planned decision and the waiting feeling like your friend knows they are condemned which of course they don't but you feel they do. Just love your horse and be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, this is a selfless and really brave decision and having watched my dad die a painful and prolonged death only wish we could make it for our human loved ones.
Yes I agree. I could never make a planned decision to pts but everyone is different. For me it would have to be immediate, once I had consulted with my vet and there was nothing more that could be done it would have to be done there and then. I couldn't bear this taking photos, plaiting mane, sobbing into neck business and I don't think its particularly fair on the horse to be crying in front of him/her either - not saying you are or would do OP but I wouldn't.

I really hope it goes okay for you. Thinking of you
 

3OldPonies

Well-Known Member
Joined
25 March 2013
Messages
1,599
Location
Berkshire
Thinking of you. Grieve however you want, after all you've been through with your horse today will be hardest, but trust me, it does get better with time and you'll remember the good times you had together.
 

Reacher

Well-Known Member
Joined
24 February 2010
Messages
2,177
Have followed your story, so sorry it has been so hard for you.
Hopefully the worst is now over. Remember you did everything you could to help him.
Now look after yourself x
 

emfen1305

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 December 2015
Messages
1,037
Thank you all for your kind words. Sorry for the late reply, I decided to take myself off 250 miles away to visit none horsey friends who need help building ikea furniture and decorating their new house so I thought it would be a good distraction but had to contend with a lot of Friday traffic! It went as well as it could have done, he had no idea, we walked into the arena as we have done a million times, he had a little bit of sedative and I gave him a big hug (he would absolutely not allow hugging so this was nice) and then within 10 seconds of being injected he was down and gone. I was surprised how quickly it was all done, the vet said it was on the quicker side but was a testament to his "get on with it nature". The nice crematorium man arrived 30 mins later so had lots of time to spend just stroking him and we took some hair and then I went for a coffee with my friend whilst he was taken. I am heartbroken and feel a bit numb, like it hasn't really happened at all but it is a different kind of sad - I know I have 100% done the right thing by him and he'll no longer be in pain. He went to sleep stuffed full of treats and hopefully knowing how much I love him.
 

Northern

Well-Known Member
Joined
28 February 2013
Messages
801
Thank you all for your kind words. Sorry for the late reply, I decided to take myself off 250 miles away to visit none horsey friends who need help building ikea furniture and decorating their new house so I thought it would be a good distraction but had to contend with a lot of Friday traffic! It went as well as it could have done, he had no idea, we walked into the arena as we have done a million times, he had a little bit of sedative and I gave him a big hug (he would absolutely not allow hugging so this was nice) and then within 10 seconds of being injected he was down and gone. I was surprised how quickly it was all done, the vet said it was on the quicker side but was a testament to his "get on with it nature". The nice crematorium man arrived 30 mins later so had lots of time to spend just stroking him and we took some hair and then I went for a coffee with my friend whilst he was taken. I am heartbroken and feel a bit numb, like it hasn't really happened at all but it is a different kind of sad - I know I have 100% done the right thing by him and he'll no longer be in pain. He went to sleep stuffed full of treats and hopefully knowing how much I love him.
Big hugs to you. I had to make the decision on Wednesday for my girl. After a year of issues, severe DJD in her front leg and finally degloving her hind leg in front of me I too said enough was enough. I wish I could have given her more time but in my heart I know what I did was right. She was only 11, same as your boy. Be kind to yourself and remember the good times, it has helped me <3
 

googol

Well-Known Member
Joined
28 October 2012
Messages
855
Thank you all for your kind words. Sorry for the late reply, I decided to take myself off 250 miles away to visit none horsey friends who need help building ikea furniture and decorating their new house so I thought it would be a good distraction but had to contend with a lot of Friday traffic! It went as well as it could have done, he had no idea, we walked into the arena as we have done a million times, he had a little bit of sedative and I gave him a big hug (he would absolutely not allow hugging so this was nice) and then within 10 seconds of being injected he was down and gone. I was surprised how quickly it was all done, the vet said it was on the quicker side but was a testament to his "get on with it nature". The nice crematorium man arrived 30 mins later so had lots of time to spend just stroking him and we took some hair and then I went for a coffee with my friend whilst he was taken. I am heartbroken and feel a bit numb, like it hasn't really happened at all but it is a different kind of sad - I know I have 100% done the right thing by him and he'll no longer be in pain. He went to sleep stuffed full of treats and hopefully knowing how much I love him.
Glad it went so well for you. I am probably going to have to do the same in a few hours. I can&#8217;t even imagine it. Thankfully I have an amazing support network and 2 close friends who are going to be there with me. My throat is so sore from uncontrollable crying and I feel like I&#8217;m having palpitations. I just have an over whelming sense of sadness. I&#8217;m going to miss my boy, every single thing about him, so so much. It&#8217;s of no comfort to me at all that the conditions are horrific so I&#8217;m not sure il feeel the relief that started to give me some comfort in this thread. I just hope it goes as smoothly as it did for you. My heart goes out to you, incredibly difficult times :-( xx
 

emfen1305

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 December 2015
Messages
1,037
Big hugs to you. I had to make the decision on Wednesday for my girl. After a year of issues, severe DJD in her front leg and finally degloving her hind leg in front of me I too said enough was enough. I wish I could have given her more time but in my heart I know what I did was right. She was only 11, same as your boy. Be kind to yourself and remember the good times, it has helped me <3
I am so sorry you had to go through that, big hugs to you! It is such a difficult time but honestly this is the first morning I've woken up and not needed the extra 10 minutes to sort my self out after crying, I feel a strange kind of peace. X
 

emfen1305

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 December 2015
Messages
1,037
Glad it went so well for you. I am probably going to have to do the same in a few hours. I can&#8217;t even imagine it. Thankfully I have an amazing support network and 2 close friends who are going to be there with me. My throat is so sore from uncontrollable crying and I feel like I&#8217;m having palpitations. I just have an over whelming sense of sadness. I&#8217;m going to miss my boy, every single thing about him, so so much. It&#8217;s of no comfort to me at all that the conditions are horrific so I&#8217;m not sure il feeel the relief that started to give me some comfort in this thread. I just hope it goes as smoothly as it did for you. My heart goes out to you, incredibly difficult times :-( xx
How heartbreaking for you, I am so sorry to be reading this, sending a big hug your way. Cry as much as you need to, let it all out. I had a close friend with me yesterday and we both cried all morning whilst Toby obliviously played with his treat ball, it was really hard watching someone else get so upset too but it just made me realise how much he was loved by everyone and how much joy he brought to us all and that's what I keep with me now. I didn't dread actually putting him to sleep, I just dreaded what I would feel after, I've been lucky that I've never lost anyone or anything close to me so don't know what it is like to grieve but my vet kept reassuring me it was the right thing to do and the kindest thing for him which really helped any guilt I was feeling. Take care of yourself and give him a big hug xx
 

southerncomfort

Well-Known Member
Joined
29 September 2013
Messages
3,704
When my mare was PTS I thought I was coping extremely well, but 2 days later it really hit me hard and the pain and grief knocked me sideways, so please don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling worse in the coming days. It's the worst bit but it does get easier after that.

I'm so glad he went quickly and peacefully, sounds like it was definitely his time, and that alone I hope should make the pain more bearable.

Lots of love. xx
 

emfen1305

Well-Known Member
Joined
2 December 2015
Messages
1,037
When my mare was PTS I thought I was coping extremely well, but 2 days later it really hit me hard and the pain and grief knocked me sideways, so please don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling worse in the coming days. It's the worst bit but it does get easier after that.

I'm so glad he went quickly and peacefully, sounds like it was definitely his time, and that alone I hope should make the pain more bearable.

Lots of love. xx
Thank you, yes definitely expecting to break completely down at some point, I suspect because I'm so far away in a totally different environment I'm not really dealing with it but when I get back to work on Monday I think it will hit me. im just going to take every day as it comes. Despite it being very cheesy, I feel the quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" is quite applicable here and to all horses x
 
Top