Time With Horse Vs Time With OH

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Cheshire Chestnut

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Does anyone sometimes find this balance hard to get right? We both work shifts and would never want him to feel as though the horse is more important. I love spending time with both him and the horse and never want to be one of those horse owners where the horse always comes first as he's always been very supportive of my horse in every way. I wouldn't ever want to lose that support from him.

Some people make it obvious to their OH's that the horse is their priority and nothing will come between that... Am I naive to think you can have both as a priority and keep everyone happy? We don't have any kids or anything, it's just the two of us (and two cats and a Welsh D!)

He deosn't begrudge the cost or when the horse gets presents, I just sometimes feel he might think the horse gets a lot more attention than him.

Thoughts....?
 
I presume your OH can wash himself, make his breakfast, put his own coats on and doesn't need to be mucked out daily.... Horse does! I think the horse probably does need more TIME than the OH but that that doesnt mean more ATTENTION.
You just have to make sure that the time with your OH is quality time doing special things that you both enjoy.

Im lucky as my horse time is the OH's cow time.
Your OH sounds lucky that you care enough to ask what people think.
 
Haha yes he's capable of all of that and he accepts the horse is a big responsibility and makes me happy at the same time.

To be fair, I had horses a long time before I was with him but when we got together I wasn't riding and had sold my horse 4 years previously due to uni, buying a house etc etc. So the horse a pretty new addition to the family, hence why I want to make sure I get it right.

I think it would have been different and I would have been slightly less cautious if the horse was in my life when I met him.
 
It's is a serious thing to think about .
Although while everything is going swimmingly in a relationship its not issue I bet you anything it comes up in a rocky patch.
My Oh works away home most of the week so I spend lots of time with my horses during the week .
He likes hunting so I spend Saturday making sure he has a great day .
The sacrifice over time I have made is competitions I have quietly all but given up I keep thinking I will find a way and get going again but honestly I have my doubts .
OP I think you need to make rules in your head .
So certain times are human time and you do human stuff then .
But you are right to question how you handle this.
My situation is not normal as I have grooms and my horses are at home so I can make days with no horse stuff going on.
 
Goldenstar said:
It's is a serious thing to think about .
Although while everything is going swimmingly in a relationship its not issue I bet you anything it comes up in a rocky patch.
My Oh works away home most of the week so I spend lots of time with my horses during the week .
He likes hunting so I spend Saturday making sure he has a great day .
The sacrifice over time I have made is competitions I have quietly all but given up I keep thinking I will find a way and get going again but honestly I have my doubts .
OP I think you need to make rules in your head .
So certain times are human time and you do human stuff then .
But you are right to question how you handle this.
My situation is not normal as I have grooms and my horses are at home so I can make days with no horse stuff going on.
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Thank you for this answer. He isn't horsey at all and kind of has a fear of horses. Although he has no problem with me being down the yard, filling the washing machine with straw covered socks, washing my saddle cloths and me spending the money - he doesn't ever want to come down to the yard and I'm fine with that. That way, it leaves it as 'my thing' and time to myself at the yard. To be honest he enjoys running and uses the time I'm at the yard to do his own thing.

You're right in saying that it may come up in an argument if we were to have one though - I sometimes think that the time spent with a horse is an easy thing to blame, although I know him well enough that I don't think he'd be unfair to use this as a weapon. His ex-partner used to ride abd have her own and I think she did used to prioritise the horse over him and he went many years without saying anything, then when he did she told him that the horse was first - him second. I think that hurt quite a lot so I'm always conscious not to make him feel that way considering how supportive he has been so far.

I'm lucky that although I am DIY, the YO does offer services so there is always the option to pay for a full livery day if we went away or had a day out. I was just interested to see different people's views on how they get a good work/home/horse life balance.
 
Yes, I know the feeling. That's why I made my OH in to a Horsie man. Where before he didn't dare come near mine or any other but He learnt to ride 3 years ago now has his own horse and loves it!:D lucky me!
 
i think we just about have the right balance! we don't really spend a huge amount of time together, except dinner in front of tv in the evening, as in the morning he is up early for work and i'm up to go to the yard before work. but he does lots of triathlon training (his big hobby) so we both have our own hobby, so he isn't sitting at home wondering when he will see me! he will pop to the yard about once a fortnight to say hi to the horses or walk the dog while i ride, but other than that he isn't that interested: but that's fine with me and i would never push it.
we don't have joint finances, glad i can still hide quite how much i spend on them!
my friends once asked would i put the horses before him and i actually said yes, as if he was the kind of guy who would tell me get rid of the horses or you wont have me then i would know he was not the man for me. he knows they are like my children and mean the world to me.
we do occasionally try to make sure we spend a weekend morning or afternoon together, or on rare occasions a hole day!
 
My horse comes first, OH knew this but doesn't stop the atmosphere sometimes when I spend all weekend running around the country with the horse as opposed to spending time with him,or when he offers to come along then spends all day sulking it's a nitemare. He gets jealous quite easy of the attention the horse gets and isn't the easiest person anyway, so I often escape to the yard for some peace and quiet I think theres a balance but it can be hard to get it right.
 
pippixox said:
i think we just about have the right balance! we don't really spend a huge amount of time together, except dinner in front of tv in the evening, as in the morning he is up early for work and i'm up to go to the yard before work. but he does lots of triathlon training (his big hobby) so we both have our own hobby, so he isn't sitting at home wondering when he will see me! he will pop to the yard about once a fortnight to say hi to the horses or walk the dog while i ride, but other than that he isn't that interested: but that's fine with me and i would never push it.
we don't have joint finances, glad i can still hide quite how much i spend on them!
my friends once asked would i put the horses before him and i actually said yes, as if he was the kind of guy who would tell me get rid of the horses or you wont have me then i would know he was not the man for me. he knows they are like my children and mean the world to me.
we do occasionally try to make sure we spend a weekend morning or afternoon together, or on rare occasions a hole day!
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Thanks for this - I like your way of thinking. I think we have similar situations. My OH is into his running so that takes up a lot of time, he does go out on his road bike in the summer months too so he has plenty to occupy him. He wouldn't come up to the yard but I think it's the prospect of all the horse mad women he's more scared of rather than the horses themselves, but like you said - I wouldn't push it and that's fine by me.

We have some joint finances for the house/bills etc but then the rest of my money is mine to do what I want with. I think he appreciates the fact that I don't smoke or drink (I have the odd glass of vino down the local but I don't drink on nights out), don't spend countless pounds on designer shoes/bags, so the odd rug and saddlecloth here and there goes without a word to how much I spend. He does joke that the horse has more clothes than him, I can't argue there -it's true.

We don't have kids and the horse is my baby, just like you said. It makes me happy and he knows that so it keeps him happy to know I'm content. I just need to remember sometimes that on the odd occasion it won't harm the horse to be left in the capable hands of the YO for full livery for one day so we can go out for the day together and have a full horse free day.

Thank you :)
 
It's a very difficult balance, yes, especially if your OH doesn't also have a time-consuming hobby or they are the jealous type... both of which are true for me, so it can get very difficult! But communication makes it easier.

I had to come up with a 'weekly plan' to help get a routine to stop my OH getting stroppy. Basically just a planner to tell him what days I will be riding/home late etc and this does help massively. Also helps that I have a sharer 2x days per week, so we have one whole day at the weekend together where I don't have to go to the yard at all.

His hobbies are skydiving, skiing and airsofting - none of these can be done daily and skydiving only in fair weather. The others are a once-a-month thing for various reasons.

Not my fault, and he knows this, but he does get jealous that I'm busy with my horse every day whilst he has not so much to do. It has come up in fights countless times, but at the end of the day, I spend my own money on my horse and still pay my share towards bills etc so he knows there's no real argument. He just feels left out, I suppose.

Those of you who's OH's are 100% supportive or have even taken an interest are so lucky! I know I don't paint my OH in the best light here, but he did buy my new saddle for me after all, so he's not really that bad lol.
 
We have a smallholding so there are lots of other animals and birds to take in to account but generally I do the whole lot 3 days a week and we work out the other days between us with my husband usually dealing with all of the animals and doing the basics for the ponies leaving me the dirty jobs!

My husband is clueless about ponies but I have shown him the basics and I leave the pony in his turnout rug when I know my husband has to turn him out, the other pony thankfully lives out

This all means that on 4 days of the week we are usually in the house by 8pm in the winter and on the nights where he doesnt work we have all the rest of the evening together

On days where the weather is absolutely horrid we do the basics and escape to the house, pub or cinema

Hubby knows the score luckily and is a mild chap which makes my life a lot easier
 
My OH and marriage are very important to me and I don't think I would ever say that my horse come before him. That said, I know he would never make me choose and is very supportive of me in anything I want to do.

I want to spend time with my OH as well as my horse, and also spend time on my other hobbies- running and general fitness and also completing an Open university degree.

I have a weekly routine that I pretty much stick to, so he roughly knows what I am doing. It really helps that he has his own life and hobbies- squash, football & volunteers with the ATC, which can take up a lot of time.

We make sure that we have one week night a week to ourselves, we call it 'date night', even though sometimes it is just spent chatting on the sofa watching tv.

I am organised, my two top priorities are riding and seeing OH one proper night a week, then eerything else fits in as and when. I would hate it if I felt that I had to rush at the stables and that he resented my horse or the time and money I spend on her. In fact if he did, I don't think I would have married him!
 
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Go out with a farmer, they are usually too busy to notice - I can do as I please three months of the year as his working harvest hours, and then the rest of the year he wouldn't dare comment... Saying that we do make sure we do make time for each other..... eventually after everything else....
 
I wouldnt say the horse is a conflict in our relationship BUT that said if he is feeling grumpy and a bit neglected the horse and my time spent with him (and being on here!) is always thrown in my face.

Getting a sharer once a week was literally a life saver for us and now she does two days its kind of evened everything out and i make the effort to cook on both those days and do something nice like the cinema etc... which i love anyway .. and then obviously we plan weekends and are usually busy with our social life which can be quiet challenging but luckily friends and family know im usually gona turn up with hay in my hair and smelling like a muckheap .. and running late :o

I struggle finding the balance and if they are not horsey they struggle to understand just how time consuming this hobby is and no amount of explaining will educate them in my opinion, lol. Yes darling I can muck out and be home in half an hour but I don't want to do that I want to spend a few hours down the yard :rolleyes:
 
I get pangs of guilt that I'm not getting the balance right. Both are ofc hugely important to me but tbh I would say my OH is more important in the big scheme of things, although I think he'd be surprised at that given the amount of time I spend at the yard v with him!!

I'm lucky that he is massivley understanding and wants me to have fun. He knows how much I love it and it keeps me sane and happy. But I do try and make time for him too, and make sure we go on fun dates etc., so he isn't too neglected. I'm helped over the winter cos he's a big football fan so that gives me a clear Saturday :)

But it is a serious thing - it's important I think to have a good balance even if that might sometimes mean compromises along the way. you need to invest the right amount of energy and effort into both, even if the horse gets more of your time!
 
My OH is more important than my horse. When I met him I spent much more time with the horse than I do now. I took on a sharer to spend more time with him. However he is also willing to move house so that I am closer to work and the horse so that I feel more able to fit everything in without chasing my tail! IMO if a horse is more important than the OH then something is missing- my previous relationships are proof!
 
I try my very hardest to keep a balance, but I have horses in two different places, even with the huge amount of support and trading of jobs with others that I am lucky to have, there is a serious impact on my time.

Alongside the horses, I have an often demanding job in an office where there is a culture of working long hours. I can often be out of the house from 6am until after 8pm, and work from home evenings and weekends, whilst my OH is only gone for his 8 hour day and doesn't work from home a lot.

I try to ride most weekday mornings, even just for short hacks, sometimes I don't even ride at weekends because if I did that on top of everything else I'd be gone most of the day, sometimes this is a bit depressing as I seldom get to savor a moment with my horse, or my daughter's horses, or my OH.

M OH and my horses are both important to me, I sometimes feel guilty that I don't get to spend enough quality time with either of them.
 
I can't see why it should be an issue, unless the horseowner is unusually obsessed or the OH is unusually clingy. Surely its normal and healthy for people to have hobbies, and if you do any hobby reasonably well, it does require commitment. Whether that be running, triathlon or horses.

You do get some people who need pretty much constant attention in a relationship who see any competition to that as a negative, but are they that desirable anyway? If they werent complaining about a hobby, they would complain about a demanding full time job.

What else are you going to do instead? Sit at home night after night with a takeaway and watch tv?
 
Not at all. We both share a passion for everything equine. These days I have little choice as my partner has set up his own business and now works 18 hours most days and 6 1/2 days a week. So I don't get a choice anymore, but before his business we just enjoyed being together doing things with all our horses.
 
My OH did go through a phase of finding the lack of "us" time hard as we both worked shifts and after doing the horse (on DIY). We compromised, once a week or two, he would come up and help out/watch me ride or would help me out to get jobs done (lay bed/bring in/feed) so we could leave yard early and do something non-horsey. Usually have a night in with a dvd and takeaway, or a walk along the beach.

He knows how much horses mean to me and would never out right make me choose, but does let me know when he feels a little left out and I may be "neglecting" him a little.
 
Buy him a horse like I did when we got engaged!

No seriously, I think that you have to tell him, from time to time, how much you appreciate him and that you're really pleased he understands the horse needs a lot of time, money and work. I also think that you have to forgo the odd show or lesson to have a horse free weekend and go off and do something together or as a family.
 
I feel that same guilt too - especially if we have been on opposite shifts. I can honestly say have he's not clingy and I'm not an obsessed horse owner, however horses do take up a lot more time than say running does. There's so many more things that can complicate matters - the vet needing to be called for example. Justifing why you need to pay a vet call out fee and being up at the yard at 11pm is sometimes a bit hard, especially if it was on one of our planned 'date nights' or a day set aside specifically for us.

As I always say, owning horses isn't a hobby - it's a lifestyle and sometime people just don't understand it in the way horse owners do. I'm lucky that although my OH does sometimes look a bit wounded when I say I'm off up to turn/muck out the horse and he has he morning off work, he is learning that it is a bit part of my life. Like I said on my previous post, I had always had horses in the past but when I met my OH I had been out of riding for a few years having sold my horse and when we moved to the countryside in May I got a horse again so it's been a big adjustment to both our lives. He's never seen the 'horse' side of me before and I think he's pleased with how happy and content it makes me. We haven't got an awful lot of spare money at the moment with renovating a house so a horse is probably the last thing we should be paying for at the moment but he hasn't said that (he was a bit apprehensive at first but he's grown to like the idea now he's seen how happy I am).

It's all new to me as when I had horses in the past I was single and didn't have to consider anyone else at all so this thread has been interesting to see how other people go about making sure they spread their time fairly, so thank you for your helpful replies - keep them coming! :)
 
All my animals come first. They can't take care of themselves. My OH is capable of looking after himself. In fairness he helps with them and wouldn't have it any other way, we are very like minded.
 
Echo Bravo said:
He would soon let you know if he was unhappy.
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This!!!!!

My OH gets a bit jealous of the horse, because I spend so much time at the yard and am always taking treats etc to her. Sometimes competitions etc get in the way of things he wanted to plan, but he knows that without horses in my life, I would be very unhappy. He comes along to comps sometimes to support us, and last winter he did come with me in the freezing cold and rain! Credit given where credit is due, he's very tolerable.

There is the occasional comment of 'Bloomin' horses' or 'I don't get it, she's only a horse', but I remind him of how much time he spends playing football and at the gym and it puts everything in perspective a little. That and he doesn't mind me smelling like a barn too much :p

I think if your OH was really unhappy though, he would mention it.
 
My OH doesn't ride but he likes cycling so every now and again, to involve him and spend time together he rides on in front of me. It's a way of sharing my hobby with him.
 
Everyone is different and I think that couples have to accept each others hobbies and passions.

My OH knows that my horse is my passion and understands that there are times where my horse will come first. (for example when I was in a rush due to a ball and I ended up having to call the vet out, OH asked if I would like him to come to the yard and wait with me but I said it was fine and that he should go to the function.)

On the other hand OH loves his game shooting and dsuring the shooting season is regularly away on shoot days and will stay away for two or three days at a time leaving me to look after the asortment of animals.

But it works for us.................... as long as your arrangement and lifestyle suits you and your OH then why worry about what anyone else thinks?!
 
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