Ezme
Well-Known Member
My name is Magnus and you dont get to my age, Ill be 20 soon dont you know, without learning a few things so as the dumb French and Belgian horses I live with wont listen to me I shall share my wisdom on how to live an easy life with my internet friends.
1) Manover yourself into a position where you have many mummies and daddies to look after you, mines a place called Arlington court.
2) Get yourself a good reputation as a driving horse, unfortunately this may take a few years and may involve exerting yourself which is why it is essential to get to your place early while you still have the energy.
3) One you get a good reputation itll be decided that you will make a good lesson horse this is where it all starts to get easier as a beginners lesson driving horse has to do little more than walk and trot through woods and up the roads. The pupils are usually so transfixed by trying to hold the reins in one had you can dictate the pace, mines a slow walk, and as long as you stay in the middle of the track they pretty much leave you alone, sorted. Enjoy the scenery, have a look about, personally I like having a mooch and surveying my estate. The other great thing about being a lesson horse is you end up with even more fans who will bring more treats.
4) Doing this sort of this normally keeps your fairly busy and if your good at it itll be decided that you dont have enough sparkle to go to parades and carnivals so youll never need to go on the lorry again and can stuff your face at home. Occasionally however you will be asked to do something stupid like dress up like a dragon or a ghost. Go along with it, it may be a pain but it gets you many small children who normally come with the bonus of attention and treats, ask for swede its great. Bite when they run out, you wont be blamed because they fed you!
5) At some point new boys will appear the first ones didnt bother me too much after I kicked the cr*p out of oliver in the field on his first day out, thatll learn him. The great thing now, you will be trusted, youve done lessons, had kids all over you and been dressed up youll be put in a pair with one of these young whippersnappers this is great because, lets face it, young horses are stupid (unless theyre me obv) so you get to stand there, occasionally walk, while they bounce up and down and side to side. By now with all these treats youll be of a solid stature which helps when the bounce into you. My particular trick has given me the nickname of the rock as you will be put in the right of the carriage and whenever something scary comes you get to bully the stupid baby into a hedge and pin him there until he stops being dumb. Great, you get to stand there and watch the world go by and be endlessly amused by tw*t next to you.
6) Now youll be indispensible. You will be loved by all without actually doing very much. This is also where having many mummies and daddies is great, you get thought of as an old man and fussed by all, play them off each other, works brilliantly, pick one to be yours and be nice to her, come over to her in the field, I went to sleep with my head in the lap of mine and now she said Im special, then the others want to have the same thing so feed and scratch you, occasionally ignore your little girl then youll get more fuss to cheer you up
7) Now I have my fun, they started riding me, I hate saddles so get ridden bareback which is more fun, keep them on their toes and throw the odd tantrum my best lately was bucking off my head coachman because she got on me holding a pooscoop, youll get away with it, youre an old campaigner and quirky
Im not saying this is a short term plan but it gets you through working life with as little effort as possible (without injuring yourself, eww pain, and not working at all) and guarantees someone will fall in love with you and take you home to eat and potter about for the rest of your life. Take advantage, take em for all their worth!
1) Manover yourself into a position where you have many mummies and daddies to look after you, mines a place called Arlington court.
2) Get yourself a good reputation as a driving horse, unfortunately this may take a few years and may involve exerting yourself which is why it is essential to get to your place early while you still have the energy.
3) One you get a good reputation itll be decided that you will make a good lesson horse this is where it all starts to get easier as a beginners lesson driving horse has to do little more than walk and trot through woods and up the roads. The pupils are usually so transfixed by trying to hold the reins in one had you can dictate the pace, mines a slow walk, and as long as you stay in the middle of the track they pretty much leave you alone, sorted. Enjoy the scenery, have a look about, personally I like having a mooch and surveying my estate. The other great thing about being a lesson horse is you end up with even more fans who will bring more treats.
4) Doing this sort of this normally keeps your fairly busy and if your good at it itll be decided that you dont have enough sparkle to go to parades and carnivals so youll never need to go on the lorry again and can stuff your face at home. Occasionally however you will be asked to do something stupid like dress up like a dragon or a ghost. Go along with it, it may be a pain but it gets you many small children who normally come with the bonus of attention and treats, ask for swede its great. Bite when they run out, you wont be blamed because they fed you!
5) At some point new boys will appear the first ones didnt bother me too much after I kicked the cr*p out of oliver in the field on his first day out, thatll learn him. The great thing now, you will be trusted, youve done lessons, had kids all over you and been dressed up youll be put in a pair with one of these young whippersnappers this is great because, lets face it, young horses are stupid (unless theyre me obv) so you get to stand there, occasionally walk, while they bounce up and down and side to side. By now with all these treats youll be of a solid stature which helps when the bounce into you. My particular trick has given me the nickname of the rock as you will be put in the right of the carriage and whenever something scary comes you get to bully the stupid baby into a hedge and pin him there until he stops being dumb. Great, you get to stand there and watch the world go by and be endlessly amused by tw*t next to you.
6) Now youll be indispensible. You will be loved by all without actually doing very much. This is also where having many mummies and daddies is great, you get thought of as an old man and fussed by all, play them off each other, works brilliantly, pick one to be yours and be nice to her, come over to her in the field, I went to sleep with my head in the lap of mine and now she said Im special, then the others want to have the same thing so feed and scratch you, occasionally ignore your little girl then youll get more fuss to cheer you up
7) Now I have my fun, they started riding me, I hate saddles so get ridden bareback which is more fun, keep them on their toes and throw the odd tantrum my best lately was bucking off my head coachman because she got on me holding a pooscoop, youll get away with it, youre an old campaigner and quirky
Im not saying this is a short term plan but it gets you through working life with as little effort as possible (without injuring yourself, eww pain, and not working at all) and guarantees someone will fall in love with you and take you home to eat and potter about for the rest of your life. Take advantage, take em for all their worth!
