Tough day.

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LauraWheeler

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This morning i woke up and looked out my window to see another pony in Lucys stable. It was a bit of a shock and at first i thought it was her. (Crazy as that sounds especialy as the pony is a grey welsh sec a).
I went out to start work and checked the mares and foals. I just kept thinking about how Lucy was supposed to be aunty to the foals this year once they where weaned. She loved foals and would have been so happy looking after them. I did my outside jobs then came in and desided to clean all the bridles. I was collecting them off the bridle rack but stopped when i came to Lucys. I just left them on the hooks i couldn't clean them i didn't even want to touch them.
Everything of hers is egsactly where it was left before she went i just can't bare to touch any of it.
In the afternoon i went to my gardening job. As i left there was an apple on the floor that had fallen off the tree i thought "Lucy would love that i'll take it back for her" It wasn't till i got home and felt the apple in my pocket i realised how stupid that was.
Then i saw the polish lodger (who doesn't speak much english but he does try very hard) He asked me why i was so sad. I tried to explain to him and he kept asking for all the details and i just burst into tears.
I thought i might give Herbie a little brush. I don't feel upto riding him yet. But i couldn't do that either as i only have one grooming kit and that was Lucys.
Now i'm just sat indoors crying. Noone else is here so i just want to let it all out. I try to be strong and not to sad when other people are around but it is so hard i miss her so much that it hurts and i just don't see how things can just carry on without her. I know they have to but i just don't see how. If that makes any sence.
I feel so guilty that i wasn't there for Lucy when she needed me and would give anything to see her one last time. I wish i had had the chance to say goodbye. My head is full of what ifs. Like maybe if i haddn't gone away Lucy wouldn't have given up. Maybe she thought i had abandoned her or given up on her.
Sorry I realy don't know why i'm posting this but i do feel a little better for having typed it out.
 
Aw hun, i'm so so sorry for you :( wish i could give you a big hug..
You gave her such a good life try to just think of all the happy times you and Lucy had.
''Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.''
Is Herbie your other pony? if so i would try and stay focused on him. He wont ever replace Lucy but in time he may become just as special to you for different reasons, and you can give him what you gave Lucy - a long and happy life full of fun and adventures together.
Bless you hun, try and keep your chin up i know its so hard..x
 
O Laura.

Allow yourself time to greve.

Everyone has 'what ifs' when someone dies and it's tough.

From what I've read in your posts you have done above and beond for your little mare and should be so proud of that.

Please try and remember all the good times and feel happy that she was lucky enough that you found her and gave her such a loving home.

Big hugs

xx
 
Oh, I am so sorry, Laura. You are going to have tough days and days that are easier than others. Lucy will always remain your heart, forever, you had a wonderful bond.

When I lost a horse I loved very much I wrote a poem. Much the same as you I think writing was a comfort.

You will come to terms with her death in your own way and I hope your pain eases. When it does that doesn't mean you are forgetting her or love her any less its just that life has to go on and you are adapting to life without her. I hope the memories you have will make you smile one day. I am sure if she is looking down at you she is saying 'thanks mum for loving me so much you let me go'.

Take care

xxx
 
Oh hun :( :( x

My advice would be to take comfort from Herbie. Brush him, love him, cuddle him - whatever. It will feel so strange at first, but it will help. I was the same - Mum spent ages trying to get me to fuss over her old boy after Mickey died, and I just didnt feel I could. But then one day, I just threw my arms around him and cried into his mane, and even though he could never be Mickey, he helped me so much.

Let it all out if you feel you need to - dont be afraid to cry. I spent many hours locked away, flooding my laptop with tears as I wrote Mickey's story. Don't hold anything inside xx
 
Its a very hard thing to get over, but you will in time. you need time to greive. Maybe you could plant a tree for her or something, thats what I did.
You cant blame yourself that it happened when you were not there. These things happen for a reason, although its not always easy to see at the time.
 
I have tears in my eyes Laura, sending you a huge hug cus i think you need one! I felt the same when I lost Daizy and then Sunny, couldnt touch their stuff, and kept thinking oh I must go and do their tea etc, and then realising..... I dont know the details of Lucy's passing (I'll go and search posts) but is there any way you could have her ashes back? Ive still got Sunny, in a wicker basket in my room, and that helped me grieve and move on much better than when I lost Daze and had to burn everything of hers as we didnt know what killed her till the PM.....
Im sending heartfelt hugs and best wishes hun, I do hope someone comes home and gives you the cuddle you so obviously need xx
 
((((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))

This has been a terrible shock for you, you will probably not be able to accept it's happened for a while. Grief is a terrible thing to go through. This is totally normal, what you are going thru now, and you will come out the other side in time. Just take each minute as it comes, and start taking rescue remedy spray to help comfort you.

Your love for Lucy will never die. With animals I have lost, I have kept their bridle or their collars, kao-lined them or whatever the gooey pink stuff is, and placed them in a "memory box", but at this stage, you may need to have her smell still on her things. Keep the grooming kit as special, and go and buy the basics to start a new one. Take some of the hairs from the brushes, and put them in an envelope to put in the memory box, along with her headcollar, bridle, whatever. You will know that that will always be there, just for you, even as other things change around you.

Lucy will be watching out for you, I promise - and she'll help you thru this. Talk to her.

Sending you much love Laura, I feel so sad there isn't more we can do. sm x
 
I believe that somehow you was meant to be away when she decided the time was right, to save you some of the trauma. My mum had a very long and drawn out terminal illness and I firmly believe she chose to depart on the only weekend I was away at a wedding at the other end of the country. 10 years later my dad did the same! Although still tragic at least I was saved from seeing them take their final breath and my last memory of them both is when they were still alive.
 
Thankyou guys.
I just feel so numb but it's so good to have someone to let it all out to. Especialy people who know how i feel. Lucy has always been the one there for me in the past. Every time i was feeling down or like i couldn't cope i just went to see her and she somehow made it all better. But now i feel worse than i have ever felt and she's not here to cuddle.

Rosehip I can't have her ashes back as she went to hounds. She loved her hunting more than anything else it was the only time she didn't think about her tummy. So i felt this was the right thing for her.

shysmum a memory box is a lovely idea. My vet got some of her tail for me and also kept her shoes. They are still at the vets along with her headcoller. My vet said she would keep them till i am ready to pick them up.

Archiesmummy I tryed to wright a poem last night. (I have ritten them in the past for other horses) but i just can't find the words for Lucys poem. I want it to be as perfect as she was and it just all sounds rubbish. I still can't bare to look at any pics of her so i can't even look at a photo to get insperation.
 
bitlessbill My vet said that egsact same thing. She said Lucy didn't want me to see her giving up and my last memory will be of her fighting on. My vet was glad i wasn't there (in a nice way).
 
You can do whatever you like in terms of crying, and keeping her things as they are for as long as you need to, before it feels Ok and possible to 'move on' from the overwhelming grief stage. It may be bit by bit, and it may be quicker than that but be prepared for little things like the apple to trip you up and not wanting to do things because 'last time you did that/went there it was with her.

And for tears to come in moments of deep thought or solitude. I think it wouldn't be normal if they didn't!

I can't wait for the poem, when the words finally arrive in your head. Leave the door open and they'll come by themselves.

Lastly, do not punish yourself over not being there. You weren't meant to be.
 
Laura- you are doing really well. By talking to us on here you are dealing with it. She would not have wanted to see you in a state. Be happy for what she has taught you and you should be proud of what you did for her.xxx
There is a site (not sure what its called) that will make bracelets etc with the hair from horses tails. It may make a wonderful keepsake for you. You would be able to keep her close to you all the time. Just an idea.xxx
 
I know what you mean about the photos, its almost a year since my girl went and I cant look at photos yet, I have a box with her headcollar and some of her mane and tail in but have only looked at it a couple of times as its still painful.
I have planted a tree in my garden in her memory. There is a website called hoofbeats in heaven that might help.
I am really sorry, but soon you will start to remember the good times and she will live on forever in your memory.
 
Aww Laura, big hugs. It was never going to be easy for you, just take your time everyone will understand.

Please don't feel guilty about not saying goodbye - you did say goodbye I'm sure before you went on holiday, it's just you didn't know then it would be the final goodbye.
 
shysmum I nearly forgot to ask anyone to keep them. I'm glad i did as i think i would regret it if i haddn't.

brighteyes I can't promise it will be amazing but i hope it comes soon.

cougar what a lovely idea i'll look into that. I was trying to think of something i could do along those lines.

flash1 thankyou. I don't feel like i'm quite so crazy now for not wanting to look at her pics.

Wobblywibble thankyou.
 
Im so glad you have her tail hair and shoes, I have some of Sunnys mane and Just a bit of Daizys, and they both have apple trees in the garden. Give it time, it will be less raw one day, and you will be able to smile at the happy times again xxx
 
Thankyou Spudlet they look fantastic. Think i might have to save up for a while. I don't want to try myself incase i mess it up.

Thankyou Rosehip.
 
Oh Laura i really dont know what to say

Dont feel guilty about not being there. It sounds like she waited till you were not there to try and spare you seeing her like that, she was a special and loving pony right till the end. You gave her a fantastic life!

Try and think of all the good memories and give yourself time to grieve, everything gets better with time. And try and focus on herbie one day he will be as special to you as she was.

((((big hugs on there way to you))))
 
BobbyMondeo thankyou. Alot of people are saying she prob waited till i was away and the more i think about it i wouldn't put it past her.
If Herbie turns out to be 1/4 of the pony Lucy was he'll be one special pony.
 
Hugs Lauraxxx

Dont feel bad about grieving hun. You just have to work through it at your pace. What you are going through is normal. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. People grieve in different ways and each bereavement is different.

Just take it one day at a time.
 
Thankyou Tormenta.

Thankyou BobbyMondeo. Lucy was something else. one of a kind. Although i hope Herbie doesn't take as long as she did to come right.
 
That jewellery is lovely Laura you should deffinately save up for one, it would be a lovely special way to remember her!

And it sounds like herbie was coming along really well before you went on holliday so hopefully it wont be long untill you are having lots of fun adventures on him
 
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