What do you think? Sorry v long

[happysal20]

I recently lost my beloved horse after nearly 13 years. Anyone who knows me at all knows what a huge part of my life he was and how saddened I am to lose him. In fact one of my friends commented that she knew the name of my horse before she knew the name of my boyfriend! While my friends have been fantastic and very supportive my sister sent me a text message 2 days later detailing her childrens Christmas present list, and as an afterthought that she was sorry about my loss. This annoyed me as I certainly did not have Christmas shopping on my mind, and I felt there should have just been a text regarding losing my horse. (If she had sent me a sympathy card would she have included the childrens Christmas list?) The next morning the phone rang and woke us up but we have an answer machine so we didn’t answer it. Then my mobile started ringing so I assumed the call was important. I answered and it was my sister. I was fairly short as I had just woken up. Without mentioning my horse she launched into yet more ideas of what her children want for Christmas. Regrettably I lost my temper and said “Why do you think I care what your f***ing kids want for Christmas when I’ve just lost my f***ing horse!” and put the phone down.

Once I’d calmed down I tried to phone back to apologise but she wouldn’t answer. I tried repeatedly to phone with no success so in the end I sent a full and frank apology via text. She did not reply. I tried ringing throughout the week but with no success. Finally I rang and she did not answer but texted me a few minutes later to ask if we were going to visit that weekend. I texted back that we were double booked and couldn’t make it, but suggested an alternative date, as I did not feel strong enough to go. She did not reply. I called in the evening to ensure she had got the message and spoke to her husband. He informed me that she was waiting for a full apology and wondered why I had not phoned to apologise before. He was also very insulted by what I had said. I said I had tried to call but she would not answer and he went on and on and said it was in my hands. I said I would ring tomorrow night. I came off the phone feeling really angry and hurt that again no mention of my horse or my loss or understanding of the grief I was going through. But I decided to be the grown up and apologise profusely rather than upset everyone in my family. She then rang me all guns blazing ready for a row and I just burst into tears and repeatedly apologised. She kept on about me not phoning and I said I had tried repeatedly as I did but it was not something I was going to leave a message about, and I mentioned that I knew she was screening her calls. She patronisingly said she accepted my apology and then I told her I had to go as I was so upset.

I feel that she should not have phoned or texted me with Christmas lists at this time and that she has been totally insensitive. She seems to have no concept of how I am feeling, of how important my horse was to me and what a loss it is that he is no longer with me. There is only thought of her and hers – by both her and her husband. They both come across as totally insensitive to anyone elses point of view or feelings, and as playing a power game with hinted ultimatums. The implied threat by her husband was that if I didn’t give the grovelling apology she was looking for then she would never forgive me and therefore a huge rift would be caused in the family which would be totally and absolutely my fault. This was between her and I, so I feel it was totally wrong of her husband to even get involved. She sees and obviously feels no blame or any wrong from her side. I am amazed that both she and her husband could be bitching about me not apologising via telephone when she was screening her calls whenever I tried to call. I am also amazed that she couldn’t even respond to either of my text messages. She has made a really tough time in my life even harder by making it all about her.

Ultimately I “took one for the team”, as having seen how difficult it is for other families when there is a rift, I did not want to put my family through this. I guess maybe I should feel that at least I was the bigger person but I don’t I just feel really angry at her and her husband. I feel she made a really big deal of this and if she cared about me she should have shown some understanding and compassion. I feel that I can never forgive her and do not want to see her or speak to her. She on the other hand is probably feeling vindicated. Should I have said what I feel – I haven’t as I just wanted to stop the row as it is exhausting and I am upset enough about my horse. How can I go forward with this without causing a huge row? Am I wrong to think that she should have apologised to me for her bad timing in calling and her tactlessness in thinking I was at all interested in Christmas shopping at this time?

 

[cheeky girl]

Gosh that must make you feel better getting that off your chest.
I do feel your sister has been cruel and unkind however if she is non horsey then I'm afraid they don't understand. I would of reacted exactly the same as you but prob without the apology so well done for that.
Your feelings are raw at the moment but it would be a shame to fall out with your sister particularly at a time when you need her. Maybe you could go for a drink just the two of you to clear the air
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss

 

[TheBlackMoth]

Family is very difficult. No matter how hard you try - every one has their own stance and totally believe they are right.

I totally understand where you are coming from - but if you sister is not horsey she might not.

Do you have children of your own - I only ask because she may feel you are devaluing her children by putting them in the same bracket as your horse. I am not criticising you as I can see you have tried very hard to resolve this.

I think you have been very fair and been the adult in this situation and I would just give yourself a break from her for now - apart from compulsary Christmas celebrations - and hope that you can forgive her in the future - or even have a calmer conversation with her and put your point of view over.

 

[Kelly1982]

Unfortunatly people who are not 'horsey' dont understand how much our horses mean to us. They see them as our pets and think that if we have them put down then we will be sad but get over it after a couple of days when in fact our horses are our pets, hobbies and our whole life, especially after so long so the grief is far greater.

Your sister and her husband probably felt quite insulted that their children wasn't on the top of your mind as their children are probably their whole world too and to them are far more important than a horse so probably cant see the comparison.

I really do feel for you though and i do think your sister is being a bit unreasonable in not apologising for being so unsympathetic when she clearly knows how much your horse meant to you whether she can understand it or not.

Maybe you and your sister need to have an adult conversation so you can both explain why you was upset and then build bridges again.

Hope everything sorts itself out soon

x

 

[pottamus]

I am very sorry to hear about you horse, having been through it myself...it may as well be a member of your family that you have lost...the pain can be that great.
I feel for you as I have experienced similar with a real c*w I work with. I went through a harrowing week in hospital watching my beautiful Gran die and sat with her until the end...even now a month on...I cry with the pain of losing her. When I went back to work, I was not myself because I was so upset and in a conversation about work, where my opinion was being shot down by this women...I snapped and told her that I too have an opinion if she did not mind! She took huge offence to this and used it as an excuse to slag me off to people saying I had attacked her verbally and how awful a person I was...al behind my back. Only minutes after I snapped I apologised sincerely to her and said I was not myself at the moment. I later heard a few days later that she had told people she would not forget what I said and that she had been driven to drinking that night because of it. Luckily people know she is nutty....but I was devasted at how she had turned my grief and pain against me so she became a victim!
The long and short of it all is...people are extremely selfish...even family sometimes and are only really bothered about themselves at time. Your sister won't understand your grief if she does not have horses herself, but that does not excuse her ignorance towards you and your feelings. You have apologised and if I were you I would forget it and surround yourself with people that do care...things will blow over with time.
I hope you find happiness soon...good luck

 

[airedale]

Absolutely right to say what you did. You were suffering a bereavement. People who have rug rats seem to think that the sun shines out of their arse - it doesn't - they are merely screaming, annoying, aggravating, demanding, sh1t producing little monsters that grow up to be demanding, spoilt, ASBO brats terrorising the streets.

So now we've got that out of the way..... ;-))

She is totally wrong to be so insensitive to your loss and so kid-centric to boot.

You not having kids I assume haven't got that 'my kids are the future of the planet' outlook

However in balance - you were bereaved. She was merely being totally childish.

On that basis - she should be apologising to you and not you to her. I also bet though that your mother would come down on your sisters 'side' as she has produced grandchildren and you merely have lost 'an animal'.

Wipe the tears, be civil and nothing more to your sister to keep the peace and buy her brats a day out at the ILPH horse sanctuary nearest to where you live. Take them there yourself at your expense for a day out in their holidays so that they realise there is more to life then ipods, computers and being spoilt little brats.

That way you have given the brats a present and they are being educated. Educational presents will stand the children in good stead for their future and being compassionate about animals is a good thing to learn

Should royally annoy your sister as well ;-))

 

[ladylisa]

I really feel for you as my sister is just the same and can only see things from her point of view and being from a big family it can get a little awkward.....and no she would never say sorry no matter how much in the wrong she is!

 

[SSM]

Airedale you've said what I wanted to - But could'nt get out right!!! I was actually angry for you.

Buy the kids riding lessons - a Christmas present should be your choice - it is your gift to them.

PS My mother would have taken your side, would have probably clocked my brother around the ear, however old if he had been so insensitive - the animals came first

(as they do in our house!!!)

PS So sorry for your loss

 

[Nic]

I get the impression you are not the maternal type

OP I don't think you over reacted. I got very upset when after my pony was put down I was expected to discuss wedding plans with the bride that night(she didn't even aknowledge that I had lost him)

People are selfish.

I still get upset over Dinky but it does get easier, big hugs to you.

 

[Nic]

[ QUOTE ]
Buy the kids riding lessons

[/ QUOTE ]

Hehe now that's a Fantastic idea!

 

[Dogbetty141]

I feel for you and know how upsetting this is for you. Unfourtunatley like said above people who do not have horses do not know how bad it is to lose a horse. Id hold your head up high and arrange to meet them do not apologies to her again as i fell you have done enough of that already, just be your normal self with them and the rest of your family. Im afraid only horse lovers will give you the true support you need and you know that all us guys on here are there for you.

I would also take kids christmas list too. I have recently been involved in a big family row and now a lot of them are not talking and it is not nice to be in the middle of. Make you you build your bridges with your family. They are there for you mostly. Like they say you cant pick your family but can your friends.

xx hope everything gets sorted out xx

 

[airedale]

yeah - I like that one too

I reckoned a day out at the ILPH 'cos the brats sound spoilt and it would be good for them to see something that showed them that other animals/people can suffer and how lucky they are to be so spoilt ;-)

 

[airedale]

oh - and it might also mean they come back afterwards and keep nagging your sister that they 'want a pony' - hehehehehe

 

[Llwyncwn]

Your post has made me really very sad. I cant say any more than has already been posted. Im totally with you on this one and in your grief. There will always be people who will never understand us and choose to walk rough shod over our feelings. People can be so insensitive. I really do hope that you make it up with your sister and family. Think I would always stand that one step further back from now on though.

 

[Nic]

Hehehe wicked Airedale

 

[sleepingdragon10]

[ QUOTE ]
Absolutely right to say what you did. You were suffering a bereavement. People who have rug rats seem to think that the sun shines out of their arse - it doesn't - they are merely screaming, annoying, aggravating, demanding, sh1t producing little monsters that grow up to be demanding, spoilt, ASBO brats terrorising the streets.



[/ QUOTE ]

Excuse me Airedale, not all parents have that attitude

Happysal20, I am so sorry for your loss and it is almost unforgiveable for your sister to be so childish,and her husband for being such an arse.They obviuously don't understand the total sense of loss that you're feeling....and that in itself must make you feel awful.
Hold your head up high,YOU have done nothing wrong....it's your sister who ought to be apologising....NOT you!

Hugs

Bethxxx

 

[Weezy]

I would never in a million years give anyone a list of what my children want for Christmas

Sometimes their aunties ask, but as a rule it is up to them what they buy and my children are grateful for anythng they get!

 

[mrgoop]

Poor, poor you, Firstly i am very sorry to hear of your sad loss. I had my precoius boy PTS in June this year and wanted to curl up in a ball and not see another soul. It caused problems in my relationship as my non horsey boyfriend couldn't understand what i was feeling. I shadow everything that has been said before. You have said you are sorry and that should be enough. If your sister is so insensitive and childish let her carry on with her mission of destruction. Sod them. Take time to heal your pain, it is indeed like losing a family member and if she can't see that then i feel sorry for her. My thoughts are with you at this awful time. Big hugs xxx

 

[WeeBrown]

You were totally in the right and she didn't even deserve an apology from you but as a fellow 'keep the peace' person I know how you felt. My family are very much 'family oriented' so would probably take the sister's side just to stop a huge rift.
I'm really sorry for your loss. Regardless of how people might see animals as 'just animals', thirteen years is a very long time to have someone whether it be animal or person. I'm hoping in time your sister will see your side, even if she doesn't admit it outright, and show you some sympathy and compassion. On the present front I'd get her kids the things she said they wanted to show you are not being petty, especially if you can get them online and then put them totally out of your mind. But if you can throw in a trip somewhere horsey/animal wise as well it might do them some good - take the sister too

 

[The Virgin Dubble]

Good heavens, I'm absolutely stunned at the thought of your sister and her christmas present list! IMHO, that is downright rude on it's own, let alone being so bl**dy insensitive about your horse.

Personally, I don't think you've done anything that you need to apologise for. Maybe it was wrong to lose your temper, but given the stress and provocation you had to put up with, I would say you had perfectly good reason to lose it with her.

Sorry, but she and her family seem very ignorant (not to mention materiallistic!).

If there's any rift in the family, she is the one who has caused it, not you.
I just hope she sees sense and apologises to you!

 

[Foxford]

Although I've never lost a horse, I can only imagine what it must be like. I'm sorry about the situation with your sister. My family is "difficult"!! And sometimes you feel like saying sod this touchy-feely stuff and f* off! I would say the ball is really in your sisters court, and I would wait to see what happens from her. Out of interest - does she usually tell you what to buy? I would be wound up by that! I am not child-orientated and often find friends who are parents a bit difficult at times. Although I don't tar everyone with the same brush - some people are brilliant. Really feel for you, hope you sort it out.

 

[TGM]

What a horrible situation to be in

. People really don't understand the effect an equine bereavement may have. I have had a situation where I had to have a horse PTS in tragic circumstances but still honoured a commitment to entertain people at home a couple of days later. To find out later that those people were then criticising my standards of hospitality later, when they knew full well how awful I was feeling, was absolutely gutting

.

But although I think you were fully justified in your anger, you are probably best just to draw a line under it all now, for the sake of family harmony. However, that doesn't mean you should continue running around trying to seek your sister's forgiveness. Just treat her civilly and don't bring up the subject again - if she continues to be frosty then I am afraid that is her problem.

Edited to add: I would never dream of issuing a Christmas list for my daughter UNLESS people specifically asked for one.

 

[annie02]

You are a better person than I.

I dont like to judge, but I find it hard not to in this case. A CHRISTMAS LIST!!! Well the world will end if the little ones dont get exactly what they want. First Christmas isnt about gifts its about family, maybe your sister needs to be reminded of that.

Second, your horse is family...at least mine is and I'm sure few will argue with me on that. If she has been your sister for more than a couple of days she should know what your horse means to you. Her husband sounds ignorant about horses and is probably just taking her side because he has to.

Dont wreck christmas, be civil but my gosh you have to talk to her about this at some point. She cant act that way, making you feel wrong YOU WERE NOT WRONG, maybe harsh but under the circumstances understandable. If you dont talk to her about this, (and dont cave and say it was your fault, stand up for yourself, you're right) you will always resent her.

I dont see a difference between her not forgiving you and you not being able to forgive her.

My thoughts are with you and your horse.

 

[brighteyes]

I'm with dubble. God help everyone when I lose any of ours. I don't think it is you who should be apologising. Send her a text of what you want for Christmas. You have tried to say sorry - it's her turn now.

 

[YorksG]

Would it be fair to suggest that the way you and your sister reacted about this situation is a reflection of how things have always been between you? With perhaps this time the difference being that your feelings were nearer the surface and she isn't used to taking your feelings into account, because that isn't her role in the family and your role is as the supportive sister, particularly since she had children.
We are all given roles by our families, we have to see what they are before we can share them.